:cry okay this is probably going to be bawl babyish but i have to say i need someone to help wipe away my tears. :think

(being melodramatic)

anyway, my issue is as follows: i am on my 5th week out and i am able to eat anything, i lost 20 and gained 5, but that is not bothering me too bad. i truly do feel like my cravings/hunger has been turned off. (good thing i know) i also can tell when i am actually hungry or not. so what is my problem you say? even though i am not hungry, i find myself scouring the cabinets and heading to fast food places and trying to eat even when i am not hungry. DH thinks i just need a fill, but i don't. now that i don't have food to comfort myself as much, and i don't have work since i have been off for surgery ( i am a bit of a workaholic) i have come to realize i don't have any more friends. i also don't have a life. :eekB: all i do is eat and watch tv when i don't work. hell i even have my house cleaned!! so since now i am forced to evaluate my food, i am tuning into myself and i have found i pushed all my friends away about 2 years ago for some insane reason (still haven't figured that one out). i also have no hobbies or outside the house activities. :help: i think i just spent $11,000 to find out i am bored and lonely and it is a bit of a shocker!

suggestions and comments welcome!

Hiya, well..I applaud you though...you seem to have sorted it out and realized some things (ie. about your lonliness, lack of hobbies, friends etc). THAT is half the battle...recognizing these things and that they might be an issue for you. All I can say is that is GREAT...and now that you "know" perhaps you can take some positive steps to rectify things. Join a club, learn a new craft/hobby, start making friends (maybe even call up an old friend)?

Congrat and good luck. Be kind to yourself.

It's time for you to go back to work. You state you're bored at home and MOST obese people eat out boredom and as a coping tool. Work on building friendships. Is there someone who you might enjoy going to a healthy lunch with? having over to your place to enjoy a lunch you prepared?

Check out what's happening in your community for the summer and get involved in an activity that you enjoy. You'll meet new people. Instead of visiting fast food places, go to a book store, a garden center, the park, etc. You need to think "outside the box" and shake up your routine. You already took the first step by having the surgery.

Go to a local scrapbook store and join a beginners class to make a scrapbook of your weight loss journey! Scrapbookers are always willing to meet new friends.

:eekB: Kristin

http://www.lapbandtalk.com/showthread.php?t=17803 Here is a nice little thread that I started.....What Do You Do Now Instead of Eating????

Also, I belong to TOPS and several of the MD LBT Support Group has joined. It is 5 of us now. This board is great but there is nothing like having someone going through the same thing to talk to. Check out your local TOPS chapter (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly http://www.tops.org/ Click on meetings to find a chapter near you and there will be one near you.LOL) You will find friends there for sure. First meeting is a free visit, $24 to join for the year, that gives you monthly magazine subscription and monthly dues vary from $3-$6 per monthly depending on your chapter. Good Luck and check them out, they are cool. The don't care how you are losing they weight. They are there for peer support.

Well, I'm not off work for surgery, since I had surgery last July. But I did come to a serious realization that I had isolated myself socially, except for work. I guess that happened when I was "in the food," and focusing on what I could eat next.

Now that I have figured out how much I can eat and still lose weight, and now that I have figured out how to work my band, I realize there is a void, a void that used to be filled up with food, the acquisition of food, the enjoyment of food, etc., etc.

I filled part of that void with more exercise, since I needed to increase that anyway. I also set some goals for myself, including the goal of having a friend or another couple over for dinner just once per month. (very reasonable, and anybody can do that) I set a goal of making plans to do something with a friend every week. And I created a book list for myself, since reading fiction is one of my pleasures. It's early yet, and I don't know how the plan is going to shake out, but at least I feel like I'm doing something to move toward my goals.

K

Hi,

I really like KathInc's idea about setting goals for making friends. Make a goal to call at least one person each week and make at least one plan per month. Set small goals for yourself and stick to them. I would very much recommend getting in touch with your old friends. Most people will welcome back "missing" friends with open arms. I also agree with others' ideas about joining things in your community. Extracurricular activities are a great way to meet friends. You could also start a club yourself! I started a movie club and I greatly enjoy socializing with my club every week. I also work very hard on deepening existing friendships. I had made a goal for myself of putting all my friend's birthdays on my calendar and either calling or sending a card on their birthday. I always call if I know someone is going through a hard time or offer to help a friend move etc. I am always there when a friend needs support (or at least I really try to be!). The best way to make friends or deepend existing friendships is to be a great friend yourself. You'll do well if you focus on that idea and put plans into place to make it happen.

I think that you are moving into a new level of awareness of your relationship with food. For some people, they get the band and they can make the necessary changes needed to become successful. Many of us have to struggle to find new ways to cope or to relieve boredom, when it used to be food. For some (myself included), therapy is a good way to get you on the right path to a healthier lifestyle.

For me, boredom is not my problem. With young children, a demanding job, etc, life is hardly boring. My problem is finding ways to cope with the stress of life without using food. Exercise really helps. So does getting online for support. You have to find what is a healthy alternative that will work for you...

You are not alone! Most of us struggle with this!

Jen, I feel for you, I honestly do.

My house is spic and clean. I am a clean freak.

My job is fullfilling, and I do it 200% while I am at the office.

My kids are older and not wanting me in their business.

We watch a lot of TV. We eat in front of the TV.

When hubby is not home, I am done with my cleaning, and milling around, I tended to graze.

Now, I drink, walk, and visit my neighbors.

Yes, I too am going crazy. I am trying to find new friends.

This is an emotional time for us. Hang in there and if you ever want to chat, I am here for you!!!

-Mel

I'm with you. Somewhere along the way, I gave up friends and outside activities that I enjoyed as well. I think it was the depression and lack of self-esteem that came along with my weight gain. The more I gained, the less I exposed myself to others, especially emotionally. It's tough to face that head-on and work through what might have gotten you there. One step at a time. Local support groups, church, exercise classes. I have begun water aerobics. I've gone to CURVES. I've gotten myself back into church where I get a whole lot of support and genuine caring from people who don't owe me a thing or who don't know the first thing about my past experiences or judge me. It's baby steps, but it's do-able. Good luck in regaining your confidence and getting back out amongst the people. :rant:

Well this is a bit tangential-but when I realized that my career was not all that I hoped with respect to life satisfaction and my darlling children would be soon leaving- I realized that Iwould actually have to figure out what I was all about.

I know that having loving relationships with other women is really important. I am blessed with really good friendships with women. Having said that, I am not particularly good at this. I have always been a introvert. But it is the most important part of my thirties and forties. I really did not got that my women friends were so critically important when I was younger.

I have alot of adventures planned for the next stage of my life. I am really excited about it. My life is ssooo full with plans. And that is OK. I really thrilled with my lifeoptions.

My friend is going through a really hard divorce. Now what I hear in this post is really what I asked her-what does she want in five year. She could not answer this questions. My blessing is that, with much reflection over the last few years, I know what I love so much more. It lead me in part to lap band surgery. I am really blessed.

I think finding, and making good friends is much harder as we get older, because we tend to be much more rigid in our expectations. When we were kids on the playground at school, we made friends, and many of them remained close throughout school, and even to this day. However when I look at some of my longest friendships, because they are so much a part of me, I accept in them, things I might let ruin a new friendship. Not being as invested in someones life, it seems we judge them more harshly.

For instance, I went to a BBQ at some co-workers of my DH's, and her kids like to have made me nutso!!! She has called me wanting to go shopping or to lunch, and I hum-haw thinking.....do I want to subject myself to several hours with these brats??? Now in all honesty, some of my friends kids could have been this rotten as well (never my own!!!). But I knew them from day one, I grew to love them BEFORE they became brats!!

Maybe we need to be less "mature" in our developing of friendships, find that person you can laugh with til milk comes out your nose, and make gross jokes with. But WE are too cautious of what a new friend might think to ever do that!!!

Kat

I've heard that obesity is a social disease. I just don't know which comes first. Do we withdraw from the shame of the obesity, or do we become obese because we have withdrawn from life and close contact with friends?

thank you all for your responses and encouragement, they make so much sense to me. i am trying to implement some of these ideas you all have given. even the personal stories help because i can identify with them and see the pattern in my own actions. i am really trying to remind myself to be a good friend to others and not be too picky about that friend. i am making a conscious effort to find other peoples positives and overlooking their negatives ( like this friend whines or complains too much, or wants me to help her all the time...) because i have been really bad about that here lately. i have also decided to take what i need from several friends. i am usually a one or two friend kind of person but i am going to try to have friends for the occasion. example: going out friends, work friends, working out friends, lunch friends, shopping friends... i think this will help me find things to with people all the time instead of waiting for that 1 friend to have time in her schedule leaving me at home with nothing to do. after i figure out the friend thing i will have to start working on becoming more self entertained and find the ability to have fun even though i am by myself.

i am not a big poster on any board ( like with my friends i feel it takes alot of effort to maintain online relationships-as shameful as that is to admit) but it sure does feel good to put it out there. (it) representing feelings, thoughts, emotional baggage... the funny thing is i told my DH about my post and then i said in a melodramatic way of coarse " what if nobody responds? i already feel bad enough about myself, if i don't make friends online i am going to have you just shoot me." he :grouphug:.

i am already enrolled in a pilates class that will start in june as long as doc clears me for it. so that is one step. i am considering going to one of the TOPS meetings too. i had a continue ed. class today and had lunch with a girl i barely know from the hospital, turns out we live in the same area and went to the same high school a year apart. we exchanged # and promised to get together soon. i am also going to try to use up some time by going to the gym. i know that it won't really kill me :pout: but boy am i dragging my feet on that. i feel like i am trying to head in the right direction, now all i have to do is get my feet to go right too!! i can't wait to find out what else is lurking in my head :eek

Jack,

thanks for my new mantra, i hope you don't mind if i steal it. i am printing it out and putting it on my mirror and fridge. i absolutely love this one.

"You have used your brain to elequently define the problem....now use your spine to implement those actions necessary to achieve your goal."

Hi Jen, this sounds all too familiar. I have been in that rock bottom "dark night of the soul" place a couple times in my life and it seems I had to be there first to then go on and get insight and make major changes. You've already begun changes with your banding. I was just reading a fellow's post on my local area band forum and he said that he was surprised at the great increases in his life as his weight decreased, increased self esteem, energy, confidence, peace of mind, physical attractiveness, interest in the world around him. There have been so many good suggestions on this thread and if you just start with one thing that makes you feel good, and just try to believe that more goodness will be coming your way.