The past few weeks have been hell. My stomach is in bad pain - the kind that prevents me from sleeping. I'm eating too much, which is putting too much pressure on my wounded & trying-to-heal stomach. The band definitely did some damage to my stomach and esophagus. According to my doc, I need to eat like a bandster to make it heal, otherwise I'll be in major trouble. But hello? If we could eat small portions none of us would be here.

I don't know what to do. The diet doc referred me to the addiction specialist, who is vacationing in Spain while I eat myself to death. The diet pills make me feel like I’m going to have a heart attack.

I ate 1/2 gallon of ice cream for dessert the other night. Last night I stopped at a pint, 4 Cookies, cold Chinese food, yada yada.

One reason I didn't have RnY for my revision was that I was convinced I would eat enough to explode that little 1-2 ounce stomach I'd be left with.

I've often made the same comment as Lisa about hunger. But here's another one. When some silly doctor tells me not to take something "on an empty stomach," I usually say something like, "Take a close look, Doctor, and tell me when you think I last HAD an empty stomach." Duh...

Lisa, with your history, where for so long, food was your only refuge and there was so little of it...you should be praised for doing so well for so long. I don't know if anything makes the crazies go away. Get happy? Let's eat. Get mad? Let's eat. Get laid? Oh...well...a cigarette and a snack after.

I do not eat well. I can make a FEW more reasonable decisions, because I don't want to have the runs in the morning and my new guts don't much care for products made from wheat flour. But the Reese's and the can of nuts barely stand a chance. I AM moving more and exercising...I wonder what the impact of that will be.

Rambling...just want you to know that you have a CROWD of us who understand.

don't know if anything makes the crazies go away. Get happy? Let's eat. Get mad? Let's eat. Get laid? Oh...well...a cigarette and a snack after

Shit Sue

are we sisters?

Shit Sue

are we sisters?

Oh, Vera, I think it's more than the two of us!

Lisa...you are not alone with the head hunger thing. That is exactly what I do and have done for years! I'm afraid to see how much I've gained since deciding to get the band. I know I need to stop this craziness, but not sure how. Even when I do get the band, it will be the biggest hurdle for me to deal with. Why is head hunger so powerful? Can't cut your head off. I need to get real I guess.....whatever that means.

oh Lisa, honey, I wish you were having an easier time. I really, really wish that.

It is so hard when we are raised by insane parents. The damage it does lasts forever. It is flat out amazing that we are as functional as we are. I'm astounded that my son is not damaged beyond repair, he's got his own issues, but he is not damaged. And that is my miricle I suppose. He is kind and strong and wise beyond his years. I look at him and know that I'm not as damaged as I could have been.

I have seen you with your animals Lisa. I have seen the love and devotion you have for those in your life. I know that you love deeply and passionately. I know your love for your daughter, even as she is in the EU with her father and other family. I know that while you didn't give birth to her, she is as much your daughter as your own flesh and heart. Because she does have your heart.

Lisa, my dear, I wish you could love yourself just half of what you love others. Because you must love yourself to survive and heal your physical damage. And you must because there are so many lives, people and animal, who need your love and energy.

But you must heal more than your physical, you must heal your psyche, wounded as it was by the insane wolves we were forced to live with as children. I know that I protected myself by building armored shields around my core, I wouldn't make a noise while my mother would beat me, even though I knew it would anger her. But at those moments, I had power, she couldn't make me cry no matter how hard she hit me, no matter how much she made me bleed, she could force no sound from me.

Lisa, you had the same power. You still do, you know. You were able to not only survive your childhood, but you thrived. How do I know this? I've met you, I've felt your energy. You did not let her destroy her then, you must not let her destroy you now.

I was going to send this as PM, but I decided it would give your more strength, the more people who read your thread adding their positive thoughts and energy, helping to heal your heart

Vinesqueen,

Once agian the most smartest person I have ever met.

I love you and what you have to say.

Delarla, Maybe that is why I can't even role over on my side at night. I'm eating probably over 8 ozs. at times and this is just my 2nd week. Like you though, I hurt, hurt, hurt! Lisa

Reminds me of the time LBT members were discussing (jokingly) getting a lobatomy (sp?).

*Our eating problems have nothing to do with the stomach*

So (big question here) why hasnt modern medicine invented something for our brains - to aleviate eating disorders?

..and maybe they have and those unfortunate select few are not able to tell the tale...

(((Im being too analytical here- sorry)))

I know I have said this before but I am going to keep saying it till there is no longer a reason for it to come out of my mouth.

THIS SUCKS!!!

I am sure like Lisa we all have our head demons. I have been fighting one myself for the last three weeks. And according to the scales it seems to be winning. So Lisa I feel your pain as far as eating all the wrong foods.

I think I need to be locked away for two or three months on a fat farm to starve me so I can lose at least SOME weight. All I am managing to do these days is GAIN. I am so disgusted right now and I feel the depression sneaking it's head back into the door. SIGH!!

Oh, Penni...I totally agree. It definitely SUCKS! I started out good today then POW I ate the tops of 3 choc. chip muffins. Was I hungry? Nope - I had just eated a tuna wrap. They were there....

Yep, it sucks. I don't know what else to say...except, may I go to that fat farm with you???

I usually just lurk around here but I always have to stop and read your threads because you are kind of my hero. I read about your struggles and I wish that I could help.... I think that you have delt with all of these hardships with grace and humor and it's ashame that we can't help you as much as you have helped so many of us. The only thing that I can even suggest is to try Overeaters Anynomous. I have tried them a couple of times when I was at my lowest and it helped a bit....but there is no cure. I found AA to be easier because you can live without drinking but you can't live without food. The people in those meeting have all the same problems with food that we do. The only problem for me was that when I started to listen to people who binged then purged, I thought it sounded kind of like a good idea at first. Boy am I sick to think that. One thing that I am curious about is I find with the band that I still have a terrible time with head hunger and have been known to beat the band if I eat slow enough. How did you manage to stay away from all the good stuff when you were banded?

You guy's are my sisters and my brothers. You know my pain and my joy's. I have been at this eating game for some 20 years, and have never been on the winning side. This time I am 370 and not going back up. I eat all day, a little at a time. I am fighting to get another fill so I can lose more weight.

My real sister in NY is now like 160 lbs and all because of the band. She looks great, BUT................. the band and not being able to eat like she use to, sent her to the "Bug House" (not dissing, anyone who has been there, I have been there and I deal with it by laughing at it). So she looks great but is on a lot of "Med's" to keep her sane. Not this white boy, I will talk to people and let this maddness in my head out somewhere. I think hateing one's self is not what is cracked up to be, I have been hateing myself all my live and I have never changed a thing, I am still here. This maddness in my head thinks it can kill me and go on living, sick, right?? I am encourging you all to take to each other, tell on yourself, and if you are going off the deep end take someone with you. Sometimes it's harder to run with another at your side. Remember this "THING" (the maddness) like's the dark and can't live in the light, SO............ expose it to some light, ask a bunch of fatty's over and have an eating party, I bet it won't last as long or it won't be as bad. I love you guy's a lot.

Butch

So your saying food is a coping mechanism. I have used it like that for years. I lived with a man who for years was pretty un-affectionate. I guess I did a food substitute for that lost affection. I felt unloved and need to put some salve on the pain. Food was that salve. Now it is

a bad HABIT to want to eat all the time. I fight it band or no band.

I have success sometimes and not others. The thing we all need to remember is we are not bad people, we are good people with a bad habit.

The hopeful part is habits can be change with continued hard work and a desire to change it. The doc I go to says we need to use every tool available to change those habits. Exercise, eating right etc. The band is a tool and not a magic bullet. I have just had 4 days with my first fill and I still want to graze all the time. Like someone earlier posted "it sucks" plain and simple. HOwever nobody said life was gonna be easy. We (I) can do this ............One food choice at a time.

Darlene

Ok Butch, that's twice you've made me cry. *hugs*

Lisa, from one self-hater to another... *big hugs* You're in my prayers.

self-hater

Maybe I missed something...

The first time I met Lisa, she hurled, spewed love at everyone. A joyful, funloving women in a realm of her own. No-one can compare.

I just can't see Lisa as a self-hater

I will agree with CMR, we have food brain issues

I found AA to be easier because you can live without drinking but you can't live without food. The people in those meeting have all the same problems with food that we do

we can quit drinking but we just can't stop eating.

Then there are those like me who just love to taste!