Obesity and marriage problems

[Tricia K. 0]

Oh you wicked, wicked woman! You tricked your husband because you gained weight! Oh the poor baby! The horrors of his situation!

All right, enought of that crap.

Okay, You just finished a graduate degree and you have a 3 year-old child, and where is the lethargy? Hello! I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you have been doing the majority of the house work and being primary caregiver for your baby.

Jules, hunny, you deserve so much better that this self absorbed and abusive man. You only deserve the best that the universe has to offer. Like Shackdog said, you are a rare jewel and have every right to be treated as such! I got very angry when I read your first post, and I'm not angry with you. You have my deepest sympathy.

It sounds to me like you are living with emotional and some verbal abuse. Repulsive indeed. Harumph. If you are told the same thing over and over and over, you will begin to believe that thing to be true, even if it is a vile lie. And he's lying to you. You are not repulsive, not by any stretch.

Unconditional love is very possible, no matter how many adults are involved. We don't lose our capasity to be loving as we age. Nor do we lose our ability to be lovable and loved. You deserve to have someone who finds you attractive, no matter what. And I'm serious about this.

Please find yourself a good councelor/therapist who has experince dealing with abuse issues.

Oh, and your baby will not be damaged by divorce. I think being raised knowing your father is repulsed and abuses your mother is oh so much more damaging than being raised in a loving and nurturing family.

PM me if you need me.

I wholeheartedly concur!!

[TheWomanWithin 0]

I am so sorry to hear that Jules, it is sad and disheartening when I hear things like your story.

Was this just a ploy from your husband to have control over you and MAKE you make the decision to lose weight? or is it that he would really leave because you are overweight?

If he was really going to leave, wouldn't he have left before? Sounds like it's been an ongoing battle in your relationship (same as mine) and sounds like there is more going on behind your husband's outside emotions than he is letting on.

It really sounds like to me that he is insecure inside about himself that he cannot handle your weight.

Believe me, I have been there and I know how it feels. I said almost this same thing here as I did to my husband.

He needs to put himself in your shoes (all our other halves do) and really see how you feel. I know the majority of the time people cannot relate to or empathize with someone unless they have gone through that specific problem themselves.

Like losing a child - most of you will never know how it feels until you go through it. But we are still human and have feelings and can be supportive of the other person. Just the same, someone cannot know how we feel daily when we are overweight unless they have been there.

You need to ask him if the tables were turned, what he would expect you to do?

He could be in an accident and gain weight from being paralyzed, or he could develop a metabolic disorder that could make him gain weight, even yet, he could lose his job, gain weight feel bad about himself and would he expect you to be there, care for him and really love and support him the way he needed?

Some very deep thinking and soul searching is in order for you both.

If he cannot handle the ups and downs of real life and what it brings with it, then maybe that is not the good match of a soul mate?

Sorry for such a long post, but I have found people here are so supportive and have really made me feel better about some things that I wanted to lend another side to this.

[barbara465 2]

The most important person in all of this is you. You must take care of yourself first. Once you take care of you, then the rest becomes easier. We can still be fat and have self esteem. That is, we can believe we are worthy individuals no matter what we look like. Your husband's problem is his problem. Don't make it yours. Fat or thin, you will still be the same person. That is why so many of us fail at losing weight. We are still the same so we can't adjust to the "skinny" us and still feel that we are unworthy. Only you can answer whether you are in this relationship for the long haul. You are in control of your own self - not your husband. Good luck to you with whatever decision (s) you make.

[julesmck 0]

vinesqueen, thanks for your support!

However I should clarify a few things: my husband works full-time and actually does do a fair bit of the house-work. He did not have a good childhood himself (which no doubt explains a lot of things) but I honestly could not ask for a better father for our son. The way they interact is incredible - my husband showers him with love (yes, unconditional!), attention, interest and patience. They are really sweet together.

I am a stay-at-home mom and what my husband objects to is that I don't get off my duff often enough and take our son to the park, for walks or for rides on his tricycle, etc. because I have all the energy of a slug, no matter how much coffee I drink.

I do worry about my husband's attitude towards me rubbing off on my son but so far my husband manages to keep his negative comments to himself until we are alone.

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Jules;

Like your husband, mine works full-time, always has, always will.

We own a pool business and he works his ass off in the 90-100 degree FL weather where I can be at home with the kids and have my own business....this does not excuse him for being an insensitive cad and saying things that hurts me...

wait, where have I heard that before? lol someone told me that when my husband was having problems accepting my weight.

What your husband should so is support and love you, help you achieve what you want to do - where you are weak, he is strong and vice versa.

When our lives start having "bumps" such as things like this, I remind him of our vows when we got married:

Our hearts and spirits are entwined as one. We now

desire to profess before all the world our intention

henceforth to walk the road of life together.

To these two people, this marriage signifies the birth of a new spirit, a spirit which is a part of each of us, yetnot of any one of us alone.

This "birth of spirit" reminds us of Spring, the season

when all life is reborn and looms again. It is

appropriate, therefore, that we were married in the Spring, and that it be under the open sky, where we are close to the Earth and to the unity of life, the totality of living things of which we are part.

The beliefs and thoughts about love which motivate these two people are perhaps best expressed in the words ofpoet Kahlil Gibran:

"You were born to be together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the wings of

death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in your silent memory. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heaven dance

between you."

"Love one another, but make not a bondage of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup, but drink now from one cup. Give

one another of your bread, but eat not of the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music."

"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping, for only the hand of life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in shadow."

Do you LISA, knowing this man's love for you and returning it, realizing his strengths and learning from them, recognizing his weaknesses and

helping him to overcome them? (and I meant this no matter what life's circumstances may bring)

Let your rings serve as locks not binding you together, but as keys, unlocking the secrets of your hearts for each other to know, and thus bringing you closer together forever.

"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks to another day of loving.

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home eventide with gratitude, and then sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

You can change the outside, you can change the inside, but deep down where it really counts,

you will always be who you truely are" ...Stay true to yourself...

[babsintx3 0]

Hi ,

I agree with Vinesqueen, Alex and everyone else here who posted about unconditional love. The physical part should equate to very little in a relationship of substance. It sounds like you have been battered emotionally and I was angry when I read your post and subsequent posts (not at you, just the futility of the situation) because you really seem to believe that your husband has a right to treat you with disdain and repulsion just because of weight gain.

And divorce is not the end of the world. I have been there and life goes on. Your husband does not sound like a good role model for your child. If he berates you about your weight and allows her to believe that it is OK to only commit in a relationship just based on someone's appearance, what kind of message is that sending to your daughter???

Also, the question you should ask yourself is if your husband gained 80 lbs and tried diligently to lose the weight and kept yo -yoing would you leave him? Would you support him or would you tell him that you met him thin and his present weight repulses you?? Or would you try to support him and do everything possible to help him succeed no matter how many times he failed??? food for thought.....

Babs in TX

334/180ish

-154 ish

[carlacollins 0]

I am agreeing with all who have spoken since and after me before! (hehehe) Unconditional love means NO MATTER what I love you the same...........Hugs and prayers girl...God is in control!

xo

[the best me 6]

Okay Jules, I have to chime in here because a few of your comments are very familiar to me! The lethargy and self-absorption that comes from the weight. The "how can I blame him when I find myself repulsive?". The "more weight I gain the less control I have". The "rebellion thrown in" (big one for me!) And the "I won't know until I get my health back and am able to survey the landscape with a clear head". Boom. Boom. Boom. All, me too!!!!

How can I be "me" in my marriage when I feel so outside of myself? I'm NOT me at 80-100 pounds overweight! It's an emotional nightmare, really. I was stuck. So very stuck and not growing emotionally, spiritually, in any way. I had no hope. What a terrible state of being to bring to a marriage. I hated it. I hated me, and I didn't trust him to love me. He could never do it right. And forget about a healthy sex life. I couldn't breathe, it was a chore to turn over or shift or move, my belly was in the way in soooo many important ways, I was sweaty and my armpits stank, talk about distracting for me! and not much about sex was comfortable or wonderful at all at 240+ pounds. And then there's everyday life. I was exhausted, unmotivated, helpless, mad, frustrated...so many terrible things. Now, don't get me wrong, my entire life wasn't totally horrible, but when these emotional issues are below every surface of every facet of my life, I was sure having a difficult time. I'd imagine what I describe is a bit of what is true for you, too.

So, yes, 60 pounds down from 2 years ago. 20 on my own, 40 with my beloved band in the past year, and so many things are better better better. For me, losing this weight has been the key to being able to handle the rest of life...my REAL life. My marriage, family, my relationship with God even, has improved! I can actually believe the things I say I do, I can believe it when hubby says he loves me. Oh, and sex is waaaaay better. I feel alot more like me. I always knew that was a good thing, I kind of like me! the one that was locked inside all that fat and flab. I'm still no skinny-minnie, but it's much improved.

So, that wonderful person you are is there, and don't forget her. She's smart, capable, intuitive, content, and giving. Unlock her, if you dare. (((hugs)))

[Sunta 4]

In my opinion, I think that the problem lies not within your husband feeling less attracted, but within the way he's telling you about it and threatening divorce (if it weren't for your son). I have to disagree ever so slightly with some of the other comments about how attraction should be unconditional. I don't think of myself as a shallow person by any strech of the imagination, but I will admit that there have been relationships I have had where the person grew to look vastly different from when we met, (not having to do only to do with weight, but also other appearance changes) and I have to say that I did lose attraction because of those appearance changes. Now, how I dealt with it is a different story. I do believe that love should be unconditional and that issues like loss of attraction can and should be dealt with, together, a couple, without using harsh words or threatening to leave. I think that it's the way your husband is dealing with his loss of attraction rather than the fact that he did lose attraction. There are many, many reasons why people can lose attraction for their partner, and not all of them weight-related. It's a problem that the couple has, and should be dealt with as a couple, united and bonded together. Attraction can be regained, and I agree that therapy is in order for you as a couple. I do agree that it is not right the way your husband is talking to you, and that his loss of attraction could be stated in a much kinder, gentler, even a positive, way. For example, my husband would never openly criticize my weight, but he has said things like "you know, sex would be alot easier and more appealing if you lose the weight". So he states it in a positive way, rather than saying "I'm not attracted to you." I gained over 100 pounds since meeting my husband, and while I consider myself to have a pretty good self-esteem, I have stopped caring alot about my appearance, and I can see that probably, he's not as attracted as when I was 23 and alot thinner. He's human after all! But it's the way he approaches it and the way we deal with it together that makes the difference. He was incredibly supportive of my surgery and always tells me I'm beautiful, etc. I think therapy could help tremendously in your situation. Your husband needs to learn to express himself in a kind and loving way and needs to learn how to rekindle his attraction. Would he be willing to see a marriage counselor?

[Kryssa 1]

I agree with everything Sunta said. But I also think it is too easy to forgive someone for not loving you when you don't love yourself. The big question is wether you will still hate yourself enough to put up with his "I'm going to leave if you aren't perfect" crap if you DO lose weight. Somehow, I don't think you will.

[j.s. 0]

I have to go with my first thought as I read your post. You husband would divorce you if it was not for your child, well I am sorry but if you and he both think your child does not have any idea how he feels about you and how this makes you feel about yourself, I have to say I think your mistaken. Kids can pick up on this. If your house is not happy (and I cant see how it is when he is "repulsed" by you) how do you expect your child to be happy. Kids are not as clueless and you would like to think. Give that some thought.

[affy 0]

Okay, time for a male to "weigh" in on this. I speak too straight sometimes, but straight talk is easiest understood.

He is a wretch. He does not deserve you. My wife is overweight, and she is just as beautiful to me now (or more-so), as she was 15 years ago (when she was thin). She never makes me feel bad for being overweight....I do enough of that to myself. Again, he does not deserve you.

Shallow! Shallow! Shallow!

So, will he "love" you again, when you lose weight? Will you ever be sure?

So, if your child becomes overweight, will he stop loving that child?

I never encourage divorce.....but, you know, he makes me want to tell you to file. Instead, I will encourage marriage counselling. HE needs it.

[Kathi 0]

O.K.. here goes my two cents...I can go both ways about this.

I can COMPLETELY understand about how you feel in regards to your own attractiveness, and your husbands response to it. It is hard to feel sexy, or to expect somebody to respond to you sexually if you do not see it in the mirror. I have looked at my own self many times and thought that there is no way in hell that I find myself attractive, so how in the heck can I expect for someone else to see me appealing???

And I do feel that when you begin a relationship, then a major change occurs in the person that you are, then it is very difficult for the other person in the relationship to just have to accept the change. I am talking about all types of changes, not just weight.

BUT... I must say, that if the only change in you is your size, then it is an issue of he should love the person you are deep down. That standing by someone's side through the difficult times and ups and downs is the true meaning of marriage.

I also think that the DH should be cut a little slack because it is traumatic for the mate to endure the hardships of our weight issues. They do feel the frustration as intensly as we do.

sorry if this was wishy-washy.

((hugs)) kathi

[omamoon 0]

Jules, you need to know that the first person you need unconditional love from is YOU. You need to know how to love yourself first before you can handle the challenges that life is dealing you. The band will force you to look head-on at your food issues. Take it from one who has been there, one-on-one therapy is the way to go. Talk to someone who will listen and can give you the tools you need to handle your life. Instead of trying to fix the symptoms (weight loss, lethargy, etc.), fix the problem -- your lack of love for yourself. It's so hard, but the work is so worth it. A clearer vision of yourself will give you the answers you need as far as your personal relationships are concerned. Get out your insurance card, and call the number on the back. Tell them you want to speak to their behavioral health people about getting some personal counseling. Get your referral number (they can help with finding a qualified therapist near you) and start the road to wellness. I wish you all the best.

[flower 2]

This is like dejavu my husband met me for the four years I was relatively thin 145 150 5 4 and over our 13 year marriage have gained 100 pounds he was verbally abusive and called me names and said fat jokes and was always hounded me but I felt stuck I have 4 children and had zero self esteem but one day after 10 years of marriage I confronted him and told him I had had enough he was verbally abusive I did not want him if he didn't love me I didn't want him there just for the kids and he realized that he had hurt me severly and he admitted that he did all those things he said that he loved me and he never once after that mentions fat or lazy or none of the choice words he had to describe me. All it does is wear on your self esteem and you end up believing it I did lap band for me but I can say I can't wait to reach goal and jam it in his face.