A bit of a story...

I have a great relationship with my parents, but my mother especially has a lot of baggage around my obesity, for which she blames herself - she wan't there enough, she didn't teach me the right eating habits, she was overweight while I was growing up and was a bad role model, etc.) They came with us to the hospital, in separate cars, and I later learned she cried the whole way because she felt HORRIBLE...as she put it, "I didn't want you to have to go through something as drastic as your first surgery to take control of a problem that's my fault." Basically my mom felt that "My daughter is fat because of me and now she has to undergo something this severe to take care of the situation." I've told her again and again it's not her fault but, well -- she's a mom.

My mom is MO herself, and I know she'd do just about anything to get the weight off. She has said she would get the band if she could, and has asked a lot about the costs. However, her and my father are both state employees, and only have one option for healthcare through a local hospital network that completely condems WLS, doesn't offer any WLS procedures, and certainly doesn't provide coverage for it for employees or customers. They won't even let spare rooms be used for local support groups because they want no association with WLS. My parents also don't make a lot of money. They can provide for their needs, and have a little extra, but that's about it. They could not afford the add'l payment of having the procedure financed.

On the other hand DH and I have it easy, financially. We could pay her expenses out of pocket without a second thought. I mean - crap, DH spent more on my bday present than what the entire cost of her surgery would be. OF COURSE I'd rather have my mom's good health! Here's my rub... we've bought them large/expensive things before, and while they appreciate it, they always feel bad and akward - they're still stuck on "we don't want you kids spending your money on us" mentality. They're pretty old-fashioned in that sense, and adamant that a child not spend their "hard earned money" on the parent.

I know that if I ask my mom if she wants me to pay for her procedure, she will say no because she wouldn't want us to spend our money on her. But she's my mom, and I want her around for as long as possible.. .and her weight is really starting to affect her health. I *know* this would do her good, and she's open to the procedure itself, but sees it as 100% out of reach. I've explained this to her, and told her I want her to be around for me, and to meet her grandchildren, etc. -- but she still won't hear of us spending that much of "our" money on her (as far as I'm concerned, anything we have is theirs too, if they need it, and she knows this).

I've thought about just depositing money to cover the costs into their account, but she'd flip and I know she'd insist on us taking it back.

So I know there are moms & especially banded moms out there... can you give a daughter advice on what would work if you were in my mom's shoes? I'm a fighting for a lost cause? Any suggestions for how else to bring this up?

The journal is a really good idea. And I think we're visiting them this Saturday. Hmmm...

aaamom, I don't believe it's a selfish action. I tend to be objective in most of my actions & thoughts, to a fault. But thinking out loud... I never mentioned banding to her outside of what I was doing to me. She came to me herself with interest and questions. I did ask her once if it's something she would consider, more to gauge her thoughts of me doing it than anything else. She said, "If I could afford it, or if my insurance company would cover it, I probably would. I want to be thin again. I'm sooo tired of being fat." My mom has been MO most of my life, the only exception being 1 year that she was on WW and dropped enough to just be "overweight". I hear from her constantly how much she hates it, how much she misses her energy, how she wishes she could find the diet that would work, etc. Additionally, she's had some problems in the last few years that make being overweight even more difficult. She was diagnosed with melanoma, and it was on the bottom/side of her foot. As a result she had to lose most of her foot from her heel to just under her ankle bone, down to about 1" of the bottom of her foot. It looks like a big dog bit her and just took a chunk out of her foot (according to my very young cousins, it looks like "chinese food" - LOL). She can walk, but the added weight makes it a lot more uncomfortable, and she always says she needs to lose weight to help her get some normal mobility back. I've never suggested this to her. When she asks what my thoughts are I tell her honestly, as she knows I will, so I've told her I thought the band would help her, but only after she asked, and I said no more.

Yes, my insurance paid for my surgery. Completely. Well, I paid $40. One $20 copay to the surgeon for my consultation and one $20 to the hospital. I've actually looked into having her added to my policy, for other reasons (e.g. her insurance will not pay for a prosthetic for her foot, so she could wear normal shoes... mine would cover it 100%, AND she'd get two of them), but the only way we could swing that would be to prove she lives with me and is a "dependent" -- no way to swing that.

You know what Wheetsin? After reading your last posts I do see a big problem with pre-arranging it and making her feel like she has to do it to keep you from losing the money. I also think this has to be a very personal decision, and even though we all agree that it's a wonderful thing that you're offering, it would have to be something your mom really wanted for herself.

I think the best way to handle this is straight out. Do you live nearby so you could take her out to lunch? If so, take her out (when you can eat again) and talk to her about your progress and the band, and ask her straight out if she's had any thoughts about getting one for herself. Then, let her know that you and your husband love her and have already decided that if she wants the band, you have the money set aside for it and all she has to do is say she's ready. Assure her that this money is not going to affect your finances in any way, and that it is set aside for her and her alone. And even if she doesn't want it right now, it will be there if and when she decides she does want it.

That way, you put the decision in her hands while assuring her that its taken care of should she decide she wants it.

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Oops, I guess you and I were posting at the same time. You just said she did say she would want it. So that's one hurdle jumped.

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Holy cow.. I love the journal idea as well. Very much along the lines I was thinking.. but I really like the journal aspect of it. Sorry folks, I was writing the same time you all were.

Your second description is much more my style. I'm the "Simon Cowell" type - say it like it is. I had concerns about deception, that's just not me. And I also had concerns about it being her decision (concern #3 in one of my previous posts).

I talked to DH about this tonight and we're both leaning toward telling her the money is there if she wants it, and leaving it at that. She'll see my progress, and just as I would if our roles were reversed -- she'll start thinking, "That could have been me if I'd done it..." And if she doesn't do that, and doesn't want the band, that's entirely her decision. My offer would be for *any* support she felt she needed, band or not. If she wants WW meetings, fine. If she wants Nutrissytem, whatever. If she wants to go to a "fat camp" or one of the weightloss clinics, I'll hop online and order her tickets. I don't care about the means, it's the ends. As long as it's what she independently wants. (But my suspicion is that -- let me lose another 50 lbs, and I don't think she'll be able to stand it )

Wheetsin, your mother is very lucky to have a daughter like you. Kudos to you, my dear.

Your mother is one very lucky person to have you and your DH who love and care about her so much. I really liked the idea about the Dr is doing a trial for some research and because they are doing research with this band that the procedure is free. I wish someone would tell me that. Anyways, What ever it is you end up doing I wish that you get the end results that you are wanting for everyone involved. I will keep this in my prayers and hopefully with a few of those here and there the answer will be made easily. If you are not a religious person I hope that I didn't offend you as this was not said out of wishing to go against any beliefs that you do or don't have. Again, Best of luck with making the RIGHT decision on how to handle this situation.

You are a beautiful person with a heart to match!! You didn't get that way on your own, so I know your parents are beautiful people too! It's not easy raising children to be as unselfish and giving as you are. This takes work! Bless the heart of your parents!!

I am a straight forward person as well (love Simon) and I can only see you taking that approach. If I were in your shoes, I would have a heart to heart expressing your desire. Then I would make three points:

1. Her grandchildren are going to NEED her. I come from a very close family. My relationship only deepened when I put my children into the arms of my parents. It can't be explained, but she will know....it's very special. It sounds like you already intend to stress the importance of her presence with her future grandchildren. My mom has said more than once that sometimes she feels she gave birth to my boys b/c she is so close. I have never seen my dad cry, but I have been told the tears have fallen when we pulled out of the drive.

2. Ask your surgeon and nurses if they have any ideas and if they have ever had anyone in a similar position. My husband says I talk too much, but you would be surprised what I've learned from others just by sharing.

3. If she needed a kidney, you wouldn't hesitate. That is, if you were able to do so. This is giving her a chance at life she hasn't known for a quite some time.

I agree with you that it does need to be her decision one way or another (that sounds like a song). Put it out there and the rest is up to her. One thing is for sure, she will be watching you and she will imagine herself with the band.

I wish you the very best and I know the choices you make will be the right ones.

Wow, I'm going to guess your mom isn't a wolf. Congrats on that.

I wouldn't try to decieve her into beliving that you'd "won" a surgery, who would belive that any way? (wait, i just got finished reading "the things we've believed thread...)

I like the idea of giving her a journal or letter, telling her exactly how you feel and what you want to do about it.

What a great thing to do.

I agree with the others here, get with your doctor and get everything set up and PAY for it in advance, then she almost can't say no... if she does - she is really going to be thinking about it and heck how can she refuse if you're going to lose the $$ if she doesn't do it?

I have a daughter who is 19, if it meant saving my life and making me feel better and she had the money she would pay for it.

I would say no I can't do that because as parents WE are the ones who are supposed to take care of our children, it kind of makes us feel weak accepting that we might need help from our children before we absolutely have to.

After a few months she will probably be so happy that she has such a loving and generous daughter and s-i-l and one day she will forgive herself when you succeed

opps I think we were all posting at the same time lol

She said, "If I could afford it, or if my insurance company would cover it, I probably would. I want to be thin again. I'm sooo tired of being fat."

Tells alot right there...share with her what it was like and offer to "lend" her the money and even put it in writing, whatever you have to do.

Sounds like a plea for help but not many options...

Wow, what a wonderful thing you want to do for your mom.

I really liked the journal idea and sitting with her and just letting her know the money is there for her if/when she decides to do it.

Then, every few weeks I would say something like, "Have you given any more thought about the lapband surgery?" so she doesn't have to come asking you for it directly. Being a proud person myself, I know I would have a hard time accepting such generocity at first, but if the person kept bringing it up, I would possibly change my mind because I would realize that they really meant what they were saying.

So, don't give up on her - give her some time to accept your generocity.

Good luck,

I would talk to your physician doing your banding and pay for it through their office and let her know that they had heard your families story and would like to offer her a "FREE" lap banding and see what she says.

She's you mother, she gave you life, how often to children have the chance to offer "life" to their parents. To keep them around longer and living a healthier better life, I say let her read this entire thread, she'll see how lucky she is to have a daughter who wants to do this for her.

does any one know how much it cost for a band in the us in uk its £7,950 and could u tell me how much that is in pounds

I've been sitting here thinking about mothers and how much we love them and want them to be around for always. I think the journal is a wonderful idea. You can write out all your feelings for her and how important she is to you and that you want your children to be able to know her and how wonderful she is. And let her know that the money is set aside for her and that it won't be a hardship for you and your husband to do this. Let her know how much you'll need her as you raise your family. Maybe you can convince her that this is just as much for you as for her. I don't like the idea of anything deceptive...too often it comes back and bites people in the butt.

Good luck as you tackle this!

Emily

As a self pay pt. Barix Clinics in Belvidere IL (formerly Bariatric Treatment center) is $13900. (roughly 7915 pounds)