A bit of a story...

I have a great relationship with my parents, but my mother especially has a lot of baggage around my obesity, for which she blames herself - she wan't there enough, she didn't teach me the right eating habits, she was overweight while I was growing up and was a bad role model, etc.) They came with us to the hospital, in separate cars, and I later learned she cried the whole way because she felt HORRIBLE...as she put it, "I didn't want you to have to go through something as drastic as your first surgery to take control of a problem that's my fault." Basically my mom felt that "My daughter is fat because of me and now she has to undergo something this severe to take care of the situation." I've told her again and again it's not her fault but, well -- she's a mom.

My mom is MO herself, and I know she'd do just about anything to get the weight off. She has said she would get the band if she could, and has asked a lot about the costs. However, her and my father are both state employees, and only have one option for healthcare through a local hospital network that completely condems WLS, doesn't offer any WLS procedures, and certainly doesn't provide coverage for it for employees or customers. They won't even let spare rooms be used for local support groups because they want no association with WLS. My parents also don't make a lot of money. They can provide for their needs, and have a little extra, but that's about it. They could not afford the add'l payment of having the procedure financed.

On the other hand DH and I have it easy, financially. We could pay her expenses out of pocket without a second thought. I mean - crap, DH spent more on my bday present than what the entire cost of her surgery would be. OF COURSE I'd rather have my mom's good health! Here's my rub... we've bought them large/expensive things before, and while they appreciate it, they always feel bad and akward - they're still stuck on "we don't want you kids spending your money on us" mentality. They're pretty old-fashioned in that sense, and adamant that a child not spend their "hard earned money" on the parent.

I know that if I ask my mom if she wants me to pay for her procedure, she will say no because she wouldn't want us to spend our money on her. But she's my mom, and I want her around for as long as possible.. .and her weight is really starting to affect her health. I *know* this would do her good, and she's open to the procedure itself, but sees it as 100% out of reach. I've explained this to her, and told her I want her to be around for me, and to meet her grandchildren, etc. -- but she still won't hear of us spending that much of "our" money on her (as far as I'm concerned, anything we have is theirs too, if they need it, and she knows this).

I've thought about just depositing money to cover the costs into their account, but she'd flip and I know she'd insist on us taking it back.

So I know there are moms & especially banded moms out there... can you give a daughter advice on what would work if you were in my mom's shoes? I'm a fighting for a lost cause? Any suggestions for how else to bring this up?

I have no answers for you. There is no right or wrong answer to this- it is really a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. Writing as a 53 year old mother who has always had a problem accepting gifts- especially big ones- I see where she is at. As a daughter who has lost her mom 5 yrs ago, I see where you are at. With all the other things you have written, the only thing I can say is to go slowly. Be an example for the surgery so Mom can see it really can work and talk about your experiences and NSV's and how happy you are with the whole process slowly a little bit at a time for a long while. This may take time but after she sees you and hears you, slowly she may come around. I would not try to push it or just present it to her- sometimes we can all be like little kids and automatically run the other direction!!

Good Luck!

What a wonderful daughter!

I would present your Mom with a gift certificate for the surgery and tell her that it's not refundable. Give it to her on a special day... like her birthday and tell her the greatest gift she can give you is living a long life.

I just straight up talked to her about it during the weekend. I told her that whatever course of action she decides on, the money is there. She said she knows it wouldn't hurt us financially, and she'll keep it in mind. I respect that she is her own person and needs to find her own way to do things, and the best thing I can do is be there for her when she gets there, wherever "there" may be. If she has questions I will answer them. If she asks for help, I'll be there before the question is out of her mouth.

Thanks for all your suggestions. They're not wasted - there's still a lot of thinking for her to do, and many ways left for me to help her that might benefit from a little kick of creativity.

Wheetsin. Good for you for talking to her straight. I would suggest that sometime in the future - maybe not right away - to keep on asking her if she has thought about it. She may be wishing she could take you up on your loving offer but not know how to broach the subject. If you can bring it up occasionally - and you will know when and how - it may make it easier for her to accept. I personally would find it difficult to say "remember that offer you made awhile back..?"

I am touched to tears at your generousity. Your are a wonderful daughter.

Wheetsin,

What a generous offer. You're a special person, and I bet your mom's special, too, for helping make you that way.

I think the best idea is the "you've won a free procedure". You could say it's for research or that your doc has been so successful helping people with this surgery that he decided to "give back" to the community, and this is his way.:kiss

Another option might be to write her a letter from your heart and give it to her. That way, she can't interrupt you right away!

Wheetsin, I'm concerned about your mom's fixation on being a bad mom to you. My first thought was, "Something's off the beam here. It sounds like she's depressed." What do you think? Would she ever accept help to relieve those guilty feelings?

Keep us posted on what develops!

NanctRN

Wheetsin,

You are a daughter to be proud of. If one of my family were in need, I'd hope that I have the financial means and generosity of spirit available to help out (like you obviously have in loads).

Whatever happens, you must not be deceptive or pressuring about this - having such a surgery is a big decision for your mum, and no doubt you will feel at least some responsiblity if she goes ahead. Open and honest communication, and then leaving it to her to sort out (as you have done) are in my opinion, the best way to go. Having her read the thread, or writing her a letter or scrapbook of memories, hopes and dreams for your mum might be meaningful for her too...

Good luck, both to you and your mum!