A bit of a story...

I have a great relationship with my parents, but my mother especially has a lot of baggage around my obesity, for which she blames herself - she wan't there enough, she didn't teach me the right eating habits, she was overweight while I was growing up and was a bad role model, etc.) They came with us to the hospital, in separate cars, and I later learned she cried the whole way because she felt HORRIBLE...as she put it, "I didn't want you to have to go through something as drastic as your first surgery to take control of a problem that's my fault." Basically my mom felt that "My daughter is fat because of me and now she has to undergo something this severe to take care of the situation." I've told her again and again it's not her fault but, well -- she's a mom.

My mom is MO herself, and I know she'd do just about anything to get the weight off. She has said she would get the band if she could, and has asked a lot about the costs. However, her and my father are both state employees, and only have one option for healthcare through a local hospital network that completely condems WLS, doesn't offer any WLS procedures, and certainly doesn't provide coverage for it for employees or customers. They won't even let spare rooms be used for local support groups because they want no association with WLS. My parents also don't make a lot of money. They can provide for their needs, and have a little extra, but that's about it. They could not afford the add'l payment of having the procedure financed.

On the other hand DH and I have it easy, financially. We could pay her expenses out of pocket without a second thought. I mean - crap, DH spent more on my bday present than what the entire cost of her surgery would be. OF COURSE I'd rather have my mom's good health! Here's my rub... we've bought them large/expensive things before, and while they appreciate it, they always feel bad and akward - they're still stuck on "we don't want you kids spending your money on us" mentality. They're pretty old-fashioned in that sense, and adamant that a child not spend their "hard earned money" on the parent.

I know that if I ask my mom if she wants me to pay for her procedure, she will say no because she wouldn't want us to spend our money on her. But she's my mom, and I want her around for as long as possible.. .and her weight is really starting to affect her health. I *know* this would do her good, and she's open to the procedure itself, but sees it as 100% out of reach. I've explained this to her, and told her I want her to be around for me, and to meet her grandchildren, etc. -- but she still won't hear of us spending that much of "our" money on her (as far as I'm concerned, anything we have is theirs too, if they need it, and she knows this).

I've thought about just depositing money to cover the costs into their account, but she'd flip and I know she'd insist on us taking it back.

So I know there are moms & especially banded moms out there... can you give a daughter advice on what would work if you were in my mom's shoes? I'm a fighting for a lost cause? Any suggestions for how else to bring this up?

I am all soggy because I am having this conversation with my mother too. I think you should let her read this thread... Of course the Journal is a great idea too.

It is quite a gift to give - hope, quality of life, and a longer future for your entire family.

I am stuck because my Moms insurance WILL pay for her surgery, but she has been obese her entire life. She has been alone since my parents divorce in the late eighties. She lives a small life in what she calls a "box". Scared to leave a five mile radius from home, she slowly withers. She told me that the greatest gift she was ever given was her grand-daughter, my daughter.

She fully expects to die within three years from her multiple co-morbidities. I hope that she sees my progress and dares to want it for herself. We need her. She too, blames herself for my food issues and weight. She punishes herself by wasting her remaining time. If I could give her the motivation to reach for her dreams, I would. To keep my family tree green, I would shed blood, sweat and tears (just like the ones on my face right now). Tell your Mom that money can't buy happiness, but it can buy time if you use it right. Lots of love to you and your family, from me and mine.

Brenda

My mom paid for my surgery, and while she's not MO, I hope one day there is something big I can do for her like this.

If it were me, I would just sit her down (at home, not at a restaurant, because I'm a cry baby) and just tell her something to the effect that, she'd expressed an interest in it, and that I want her around for a good long time, and I would happy to do this as a way to hopefully ensure that was going to happen. After getting your feelings out, it's kind of up to her.

It's a great gift to receive when it's something you really want, and you don't think there is any way you will ever get it, I can tell you that much.

Wheetsin I really like the journal idea and the cashier's check in the envelope. Also if she balks at taking the money tell her you are going to use it as a tax write off.

But this is really what I would do. I lost my mother when my daughter was 3 1/2months old so I can relate to how hard it is to make the person who is gone real to the grandchildren.

I don't know if you already have kids but I would write in the journal a section of how they miss having/knowing their grandmother. Be creative if you don't have kids and make up imaginary ones and what they would probably say. The things they would miss without her here. Like school programs when the parents and grandparents sit and proudly watch the kids. Or family get togethers how lonely they are/would be for her. Christmas and birthday gifts from grandma. You get the idea.

I also would take some family pictures and cut her out and paste next to the "journal entries of present/future grandchildren". This would be a visual aid of ?WHO'S MISSING?

Whatever it takes to make her understand what a big hole would be left in your lives without her. M:think

hello, let me tell you a little story: I am pre-op currently and just about ready to meet with the surgeon for my day. There is no way I could be doing this right now without a christian brother who told me that he had been praying for me for a long time and about the upcoming surgery. He knew that I did not have the money to do this and probably would not have had the opportunity because of the money.

About four weeks ago, while I was in my prayer time, I told God that if I was to have this type of surgery then He would have to show me the way it was going to be done. I told him I loved Him and would follow His directions. The very next morning my wife calls me at work and said that this christian man came into her office and gave her two chks each in the amount of 10,000.00. This was what I needed to have the surgery.

My suggestion is just tell your Mom that you have been praying for her for some time and that the money has become available for her to have the surgery and that this is a gift from God. Also I would sit down with her and let her read some of the information that people all over the country are writing here with success story one after another. All I can say is what can you say to a person who extends your life, thank you just doesnt cut it, the only thing that can even come close is I LOVE YOU.

Hijack~

That is awesome shackdog!

hello, let me tell you a little story: I am pre-op currently and just about ready to meet with the surgeon for my day. There is no way I could be doing this right now without a christian brother who told me that he had been praying for me for a long time and about the upcoming surgery. He knew that I did not have the money to do this and probably would not have had the opportunity because of the money.

About four weeks ago, while I was in my prayer time, I told God that if I was to have this type of surgery then He would have to show me the way it was going to be done. I told him I loved Him and would follow His directions. The very next morning my wife calls me at work and said that this christian man came into her office and gave her two chks each in the amount of 10,000.00. This was what I needed to have the surgery.

My suggestion is just tell your Mom that you have been praying for her for some time and that the money has become available for her to have the surgery and that this is a gift from God. Also I would sit down with her and let her read some of the information that people all over the country are writing here with success story one after another. All I can say is what can you say to a person who extends your life, thank you just doesnt cut it, the only thing that can even come close is I LOVE YOU.

My suggestion is just tell your Mom that you have been praying for her for some time and that the money has become available for her to have the surgery and that this is a gift from God.

Not my cup of tea, see below.

Not my cup of tea, see below.

hehe. That made me laugh, because that's what I'd suggest. It would work in my family! LOL

I just straight up talked to her about it during the weekend. I told her that whatever course of action she decides on, the money is there. She said she knows it wouldn't hurt us financially, and she'll keep it in mind. I respect that she is her own person and needs to find her own way to do things, and the best thing I can do is be there for her when she gets there, wherever "there" may be. If she has questions I will answer them. If she asks for help, I'll be there before the question is out of her mouth.

Thanks for all your suggestions. They're not wasted - there's still a lot of thinking for her to do, and many ways left for me to help her that might benefit from a little kick of creativity.

Not my cup of tea, see below.

Exactly what I was thinking! Positive Atheism is one of my favorite websites.

I'm mainly a lurker but I have a suggestion of where to go from now. Ask her to go with you to your next fill appointment. Let the surgeon know a head of time and ask if he will "do" a consultation on your mom. Let him explain the procedure, listen to her medical issues, and let her know that she would be an excellent candidate for the surgery. I have paid for a couple of "consultations" for my friends who were afraid to take the first step even though they attended an information session. It helps them to know that even the doc agrees that this is the best thing for them to do to get control of their weight. My doc is so cute, that if I refer someone, whether they have the surgery or not, I get a free fill. He feels it is the best form of referrals. I have him schedule me as the last appointment of the day, and after we go in and he talks about what is going with me and I do/or do not get a fill that visit, he turns to my friend and says, since your interested, how about if we go in my office and discuss this further. I wait in the waiting area. So far only one of my friends elected to go to another surgeon due to insurance issues. But it is a subtle way for them to observe and hear firsthand why a doctor will find them to be a good candidate.

Best of luck with your mom.

Carol

Dr. McKeen

12/29/03

269/162/149 (3 pounds from having a "normal BMI"

man...my mother in law is like that. A feeder i mean. We will go to visit her, and no matter what time we come in there is a chicken casserole in the oven and a cheesecake in the fridge. She will ask you, "Are you hungry? Can I make you something?" If you say no she will still make you a sandwich or two and say "just have this". then she blamed me during college when Rob put on weight!! LOL And if you do not eat everything at dinner she thinks you are saving room for dessert. she can whip up food faster than anyone I have seen too. Every morning we are there she has biscuits and gravy, eggs, sausage, pancakes ready. lunch is leftovers reheated and sandwiches. Dinner is whatever you want. She will often make different meals for each person. it is like being at a restaurant 24 hours a day. LOL and christmas and thanksgiving is crazy!! If the whole family shows it is a total of 12 people. that includes 4 kids. She will find the biggest turkey she can, usually around 20 pounds, and on christmas she will have a ham too. I can't eat baked ham...it makes me violently ill for some reason, so she cooks a huge turkey just for my father in law and I. He has the same problem with baked ham. LOL We keep telling her a little chicken will do, but no...she has to do a huge turkey. then sends us all home with tons of leftovers.

She is that way because of my husband and his brother. they are picky eaters, and che caters to them. banana bread...two loaves with nuts, two loaves without. because jimmy likes it with nuts and rob likes it without. jimmy like apple pie and pecan pie, rob likes cheesecake. so during the holidays she makes two of each. I swear you could put on 10 pounds over a weekend with that woman. LOL

I think I would find out first if she truly wants this surgery for herself. If she does, and money is the only obstacle in her path, prepay the doctor and give it to her as a gift.

I would also sit her down one on one and discuss your weight issues with her. Let her know how you feel, what you believe contributed to your weight issues, and how being overweight made you feel. A frank discussion, laying it all on the table, will maybe allow your mother to rid herself of some of the guilt. Her guilt for your weight may prevent her from getting the surgery. She might think that her weight is her punishment for putting you through what you went through. This might take some time to work out, but it needs to be for her to be willing to accept her own issues.

My mother is now gone, but I had to have that talk with her. She never understood my weight issues and what made me fat. She never understood what words and actions can hurt someone to their core.

Your post has hit me to my core. Family is so precious. Give her the gift for you, for her, and for future grandchildren.

Ummmm I dont think I would pay for my mom, thats a whole different story...lol but I had a dream 2 nights ago that I won the lottery and my 3 best friends and I went to TJ and we all got banded...LOL hmmm... Maybe I need to have the hubby play the Megabucks... BAHWAHHHHH

I just think it is an AWSOME thing to love someone that you just want to have around forever!!

Meow - You should totally play the lottery!! Belive me, REAL people DO WIN!

Wheetsin, you win the Daughter of the Year award, hands down. :first:

Just have a quiet heart-to-heart with your mom and tell her that the money means NOTHING to you, but she means EVERYTHING, and PLEASE accept it. I lost my mom 16 years ago and if there had been a chance - even a tiny one - that money would have helped, I would gladly have given every dime I have and gone to live in the street.

Beg your mom to let you do this for YOU and your dad, not for her. Beg her on your knees, if you have to.

You are only as happy as your saddest child.