Very emotional about decision to get banded

[free101girl 0]

First post for me here. I've been lurking and reading randomly, including the entire "Why are YOU Fat?" thread, which had me sobbing -- I could relate to quite a bit of it.

I've been overweight pretty much my whole life and downright fat for almost ten years. (I'm 5'4", 235 lbs, so roughly 100 lbs overweight and 40 BMI.)

My mother was a health-food nut who didn't allow white sugar, white flour and many other "junk" foods in our household. She was extremely controlling about our food intake. Naturally junk food became the forbidden fruit and all of my adult life I have struggled with binging on certain foods (crackers, Cookies, ice cream). The thought of eating one Cheez-It and stopping is almost unthinkable. I'm likely to eat half a box. So I try not to keep such items in the house.

Usually I eat a very healthy diet -- but too much of it. I eat almost no junk food or fast food because I know it's unhealthy and also I don't want to start a binge. But I consistently overeat "good" foods.

There are many obese people in my family, including a beloved grandmother who helped me through a very tough childhood. I love to cook and eat. My very wonderful husband loves to cook and eat. Almost his entire family is obese. They are all fantastic cooks and their lifestyle revolves around food. I have gained 65 pounds in the 10 years I've been with my husband. (I would love to blame his family's evil influence, but no one was forcing all that delicious food down my throat!)

My sister-in-law was banded about 2 years ago and despite being the most totally noncompliant patient imaginable (she lives on a 100% junk food diet, knows exactly how to get around her band and does so deliberately) she has lost 65-75 lbs, down from 300. Quite frankly this gives me hope!

I'm fortunate in having no diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc, but I do have very bad knees that impact my life a great deal. We travel a lot and I'm always in pain because of the additional walking that entails. I've been told I will have to have total knee replacement in both knees eventually.

I'm about 95% convinced that I need to get banded, but the decision is really wreaking havoc on me emotionally. I told my husband I wanted to do it, and he's very supportive. But since I decided, I've been crying non-stop. I'm just racked with a mishmash of emotions and thoughts:

- denial (hey, I'm not THAT fat, am I?), but this is fading fast now that my BMI is 40

- wondering if I've "tried hard enough" yet, even though I've been dieting for more than 25 years (Weight Watchers, low-carb, low-fat) and always lose a little, gain a lot more back

- self-hatred for allowing things to get to the point that I have to seek surgery

- fear that it won't work (and just plain fear of surgery, pain, etc)

- stress over trying to find the right surgeon and aftercare

- probably some residual emotional crap to do with my bad childhood and its relationship with my obesity, which I really don't want to deal with

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has gone through this. Please tell me I'm not! :nervous

Thanks for "listening." It feels good to get it all out there.

Mary

[Paulax 8]

Hugs, I have many of the same feelings and even family stories as you. (Italian) Can we talk?

I am pre op and wondering why the hell I want to do this to my body one minute and wondering why the hell I can't do it myself.

Then I remind myself that it is my brain chemicals that dictate what and when I want and need to eat and that is not my fault and not in my control and I am sick and tired of feeling like a failure and like it is my fault that I am fat. I am tired of feeling like a lazy person because I am not an exercising fool. I am tired of feeling stupid that I don't know what to eat or how much.

I am not stupid.

I am not lazy.

I am not an unsuccessful person. Weight is the only thing I have failed at.

I am going to do this surgery and stop feeling like a failure.

We will all do it for our own reasons.

Good luck with yours, but for now please stop beating yourself up.

[Liamaroo 0]

This is my first post, and I am in the pre-op stage. I struggled for years with my pride. I was the chubby kid, the chunky teenager, and a fat adult. My weight has cost me a lot of things, but the hardest to bear is knowing that my weight has rendered me infertile.

I have finally forgiven myself for the harm I caused to my body. I realize that I am an extraordinary person with a very common problem. I see weight as a condition, perpetuated by genes (Sicilian here!) and the addictive chemical reactions of food. Losing this weight will always be my responsibility, but it's not my fault - if that makes sense.

I, too, worry about post-surgery complications. But I have to do something and I've already tried everything else. So, I agree with Paulax. This is no time to beat yourself up; it's time to do just the opposite. As for the emotional implications, I don't think there's a surgery out there that can lift emotional burdens. Personally, I am seeing a counselor. My husband and I see a marriage counselor together. He is also obese, and even though he is supportive of my decision, I know that our relationship will change dramatically when I begin to lose weight so quickly. I want us to be prepared!

Lap-band surgery doesn't mean you are giving up on yourself. It means you'll do whatever it takes to be happy and healthy. It's a committment unto itself.

Those are my thoughts. Good luck to us all!

[mboyz2 0]

i am having to same thoughts going thru my head, you wrote what i feel.i am not going to be ready for my surgery till april . need to know someone else has the same emotions.email

[NJChick 3]

Oh Mary :confused: your not alone thats for sure. I was a basket case (okay still am lol) from the time the thought of lap band even entered my mind until I woke up from surgery. Your thoughts are very much normal.

Hang in there, you'll do the right thing.

[DOC 0]

Wow. I can so relate to all your thoughts. I have surely been there. Maybe I will diet one more time... fear, denial. Everything.

The only one who can make this decison for you is YOU. You have to be totally comfortable because you have to live with it.

Good luck. If you need support this is the place to get it.

[sunsett 2]

I had the same feelings. It is so normal. This is all a process and it is very emotional.

Hang in there, you'll do great.

[pugmum 0]

Once the fire is burning, it really doesn't matter who started it. So whether you believe this is your fault or you have "issues" is going to be there postop. Just so you know! What is also there, though, is hope! I have much more hope and am much less obsessed with why/how/what/where/who than before. That is a lot of extra energy!! :confused:

Kelli

[Constance 0]

Hi. I am your weight issue twin. I, too, keep second guessing myself. I think there is an element of it being too good to be true. We have had so many other weight loss failures and it is hard to belive something can and will, work. I seriously go through your list of second thoughts DAILY.

Me:

"I could still try another diet"

"I will feel so stupid if I die on the operating table"

"Will I ever be able to unconsciously chew thoroughly, or will I think of it every single time I eat?"

"Will the scars be hideous? (Moreso than my stretch marks? ha!)

"What if I am stranded on a deserted island and I just got a fill - will I die of starvation?"

(the 'desert island scenario' is fodder for countless paranoid ramblings)

"Will I be 80 years old b!thcing about PBs?"

So that's my list - if it makes you feel any better.

But think of this. What if you were in the reverse position and someone said "Ok, I know you are thin, but I want to give you a chance to eat anything you want and never work out. You can be as lazy and gluttonous as you want. But you will get big, huge even. It will creep up slowly. Soon you'll stop ever wanting to wear anything cute or sexy and settle for baggy and elastic. You'll dread bathing suits and everything surounding them. Your pants will wear out quicker because your thighs rub together so much. You will feel embarassed when you eat a big meal in front of strangers. Much of your enjoyment of life will be in the shadow of a looming sense,'cripes, I'm huge."

Sounds lame, right? Like who the heck wants to sign up for THAT?! So really, I think we are opting for a better way of life.

edited to add: I'm not infering that we are all lazy and gluttonous -- just saying it for the purpose of the argument, doing nothing vs. doing something

[Paulax 8]

But think of this. What if you were in the reverse position and someone said "Ok, I know you are thin, but I want to give you a chance to eat anything you want and never work out. You can be as lazy and gluttonous as you want. But you will get big, huge even. It will creep up slowly. Soon you'll stop ever wanting to wear anything cute or sexy and settle for baggy and elastic. You'll dread bathing suits and everything surounding them. Your pants will wear out quicker because your thighs rub together so much. You will feel embarassed when you eat a big meal in front of strangers. Much of your enjoyment of life will be in the shadow of a looming sense,'cripes, I'm huge."

Sounds lame, right? Like who the heck wants to sign up for THAT?! So really, I think we are opting for a better way of life.

edited to add: I'm not infering that we are all lazy and gluttonous -- just saying it for the purpose of the argument, doing nothing vs. doing something

Oh yaaa!

That was bloody brilliant!:clap2:

[LBdancer 0]

Wow... I find this thread so interesting. Thank you for posting this Mary. Also, it's funny that the first 2 replies were from first time postes...Welcome Mary (free101girl), Paulax and Liamaroo. Good luck to all three of you in making your choices. I too struggled for years with the yo yo dance, but after researching the pros and cons my decision for the band was an easy one. Granted I'm only 2 weeks out...still a newbie, but I'm so so so happy to have been banded. From the short time I've been a LBT member I've found that there are lots of folks here that will offer advice or hugs as needed. Good luck, keep posting and just remember that you are not alone in this...we've all been there.

[CCBSTX 0]

I felt EXACTLY the same way....After months of research and Lapbandtalk, I finally had reached (2) conclusions via these questions:

1) I am almost 40 (then), do I want to live my life as I am now or very possibly heavier? (N0)

2) How many 100 year olds, have you seen, that are obese? (NONE)

Shawn

[Vera 7]

This is a heart felt tread and welcome new comers, Mary, Paula and Liamaroo!

Just a view from someone who’s been banded 2 and ½ years.

Your not alone, the mind does not shut down. Denial and fear that it won't work was my main worry pre-band. I love to cook and eat too (now I just can’t eat as much and that’s the trick) This tool will work if you want it to.

please stop beating yourself up.

You are not stupid.

You are not lazy.

You will/are a successful person.

"I could still try another diet"

I am on a diet, I don’t use the word around my kids and I hate the word but I try to watch everything I eat and what I feed my kids, sure we had ice-cream last night. 1/3 less sugar low fat slow churns…

"I will feel so stupid if I die on the operating table"

This is one of the safest surgeries for weight loss.

"Will I ever be able to unconsciously chew thoroughly, or will I think of it every single time I eat?" I do think about every thing I eat and chew. If I eat too fast, it will come back up or give me extreme pain going down. This has been called the thinking person’s weight loss plan (surgery)

"Will the scars be hideous? (Moreso than my stretch marks? ha!) Well every one heals differently and I happen to have many scars on my abdomin. I have seen others with tiny lines for scars.

I do feel healthier, I have more energy and people are treating me better. I have a hard time with people and how they treat those with weight issues. I try to treat everyone equal and smile to complete strangers regardless of weight.

I’ve been seeing a shrink lately due to depression and anxiety. She has said that I’m very complex and I want to be taken care of.

I (WE) need to take care of ourselves because nobody's going to.

[free101girl 0]

First, just wanted to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread. It has been so reassuring to read your responses.

Yesterday I realized I was beating on myself for no reason. This is a big decision that will signal a huge life change, so it's normal to be shaken up by it.

I was trying to think of a good metaphor for this kind of change. For lack of a better one, maybe it's sort of like to deciding to become a Catholic if you've been Jewish all your life! I mean, we are talking about changing a lot of dietary habits, body image, maybe even relationships with certain family members (the ones who like us to eat their stuff, for instance) ... so it's major.

Anyway, I took the afternoon off yesterday to enjoy a funny book and just let things "perk" a little. I decided I need to be nice to myself and work on looking at the positive aspects of this decision instead of focusing on the negatives. For one thing, after 25+ years of feeling absolutely hopeless about this problem, now there is hope. I am thankful that this technology exists.

"What if I am stranded on a deserted island and I just got a fill - will I die of starvation?"

Loved, loved, loved your post. That one hadn't occurred to me (yet). Actually, my husband and I were watching the last two episodes of Survivor (TIVO'd) last night and I was thinking having a band could be an ADVANTAGE in that game! They were all complaining about being hungry... heck, if they had bands they wouldn't be nearly as ravenous, right?

Maybe after I'm banded I'll try out for the show and test my theory.

Or not.

[JillN 0]

free101: What helped move me to my own decision was going to a face-to-face postOp support group...and they were all RnY folks.....in various recovery stages.....and in SPITE of the problems they had....dumping, etc....to a single one of them, they ALL proclaimed a better life and would do it over again in a heartbeat....

Jack - I think this is a GREAT suggestion, and one that will really help Mary.

Mary, along with Jack, I HIGHLY encourage you to start attending some of the local LapBand Support meetings. They welcome pre-op people. I'm not banded (though I've started the journey towards the band). Immediately after I attended my seminar, I started attending the support groups (I've been to two so far) - I've never been the only person there who is pre-op, there have been 3-5 people each meeting.

And while these message boards are GREAT, there is nothing like seeing people in person, being able to ask someone face to face a question, immediately when you think about it. I have also pulled a couple of people aside afterwards to ask them a couple of questions privately.

It's just a great thing to see people in the support group - everyone is very supportive, but equally important, they are EXTREMLY HONEST about what they are going through. And everyone is going through similar things, but also different things.

I strongly suggest you follow Jack's excellent suggestion, and seek out a local support group. I think it will really help you decide for yourself if you want to pursue this option.