Judgement

[Drasan 23]

I went to a bariatric support group meeting a few months ago. I've been determined to let go of an incident that happened but another thread just brought all my feelings to the surface again. Please forgive me for using this forum to vent.

I'm a band patient who didn't get restriction right away from fills. It took over a year of working with my surgeon to get me to the right place. Needless to say, I didn't lose weight like some others have reported. At times I've been discouraged but somehow, I've managed to stay mostly optimistic and keep working at it, which is finally paying off.

At the support group meeting, two women asked me when I was banded and how much weight I had lost. The way they looked me up and down with obvious disgust/disapproval made me feel like a failure and want to crawl into a hole. When I thought about it later it just made me mad.

This was not my first experience with judgement and comparison. In the surgeon's waiting room I met another woman who'd had surgery around the same time as me. We talked about our weight loss and she'd lost a whole lot more than me. The smug, judgemental air that came off her really hurt.

Of all the people in the world who should be supporting another heavy person I would think it would be other people who have actually walked in fat shoes. I don't understand the competition and the judgement.

[lovemysgt 4]

I AM THERE WITH YOU HUN. I WAS BANDED ON SEPTEMBER 2010. LOST 30 LBS THE FIRST 2 WEEKS AND NOTHING SINCE. I FOLLOWED EVERYTHING TO A T AND STILL DIDNT LOOSE. I HATE WHEN EVERYONE ASKS ME IF I LOST ANY. I HAVE BECOME VERY DEPRESSED OVER IT. I AM NOW AT 6 1/2 CC AND HAVE DECIDED NOT TO GET ANY MORE CAUSE I CHOKE ON SOME food AND I THINK I AM AT A GREAT PLACE RIGHT NOW. I WONT JUDGE YOU I AM THERE WITH YOU. FOR PEOPLE TO JUDGE WELL THEY WERE FAT TOO SO THEY HAVE NO ROOM TO DISCRIMINATE THEY HATED WHEN THEY WERE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST SO WHY DO IT TO SOMEONE ELSE,

[GidgetGrnEyez 1]

I haven't experienced the judgemental junk, but I definitely know how you feel with this taking forever. It took me nine months to get to a good spot and then I had a couple of fill/over-fill/partial unfill issues that lead to no loss for several months.

I wish that somebody had said something about the restriction not happening right away and that it may take six or seven fills to get to the green zone.

The smugness of the easy losers is tough. I love to read about successul bandsters (not that any of them are smug) and follow their blogs, but it is disheartening when I see people who have lost 90 pounds in the time it took me to actually get restriction.

Hang in there. You are on this journey for yourself, not the other rude folks. I think your story of slow loss is an important one to be shared at the support meetings, after all you may be the next inspiration for someone else who hasn't lost anything.

[Ms_C 1]

Drassan, don't feel bad. We all vent here at some point or another and the good thing about it is that you are not alone. There's many of us here facing the same problems. Remember that we are here for support. I know exactly how you feel. It's been almost a year and I still have not reached the green zone. I am currently I'm starting to think the lap-band is not for me. I was banded on May 26, 2010. I have lost a total of 30-some lbs. Through out this year I've had many "stuck" episodes. They started getting worse back in November. I've been throwing up everyday almost for every meal since November. Needless to say, the very few people who know I was banded last year label me as lazy and say that I'm not trying hard enough. They don't understand how hard this process is for a lot of us. I've developed depression because of this of the disencouraging words and PB. It has got so bad that I was prescribed anti-depressants which I might add are not helping with my weight loss. I hope soon I can reach that green zone and begin losing the weight as I have seen with many who were banded last year.

Just remember, people are always going to be judgemental and we can't allow these individuals to bring us down. We took that step therefore we are a step ahead. We will get there! Don't lose your motivation.

If you like, we can buddy up and help each other. What do you say?

Claudia

[lovemysgt 4]

I FEEL THE SAME WAY BUT STICK WITH IT THERE PEOPLE OUT THERE LIKE US THAT CAN ENCOURAGE YOU SCREW THE PEOPLE THAT AREN'T SUPPORTIVE. EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE THEY CAN FUCK OFF. food IS THE HARDEST ADDICTION. IT IS HARDER THEN ANY DRUG BECAUSE WE HAVE TO EAT TO SURVIVE. AND PEOPLE THAT SAY THEY DONT BELIEVE IN food ADDICTION ARE IGNORANT. SO YOU HAVE ME AND GIGET AND DAUSEN ON YOUR SIDE.

I know exactly how you ladies feel. It's been almost a year and I still have not reached the green zone. I am currently I'm starting to think the lap-band is not for me. I was banded on May 26, 2010. I have lost a total of 30-some lbs. Through out this year I've had many "stuck" episodes. They started getting worse back in November. I've been throwing up everyday almost for every meal since November. Needless to say, the very few people who know I was banded last year label me as lazy and say that I'm not trying hard enough. They don't understand how hard this process is for a lot of us. I've developed depression because of this of the disencouraging words and PB. It has got so bad that I was prescribed anti-depressants which I might add are not helping with my weight loss. I hope soon I can reach that green zone and begin losing the weight as I have seen with many who were banded last year.

Claudia

[Phranp 46]

Ditto: the above posts.

It is truly sad when those that lose quickly are smug. I am a slow loser and once I came to accept this I started pulling out the positives of being a slow loser. For me they are:

1. The usual ... the longer it takes to come off, the longer it will stay off

2. I am older so I have less elasticity in my skin; as a result the slower I lose, the less sagging skin ... gives me time to tone as much as possible.

3. As I lose slowly I am learning so much about my relationship with food and slowly I am able to let go of bad eating habits and take on new, good ones.

4. I had back sugery in 2004 and I have spinal stenosis (arthritis of the spine) which means I cannot do strenuous exercise. I am though, learning just how far I can go with exercise, and I am strengthening my back muscles in the process. This is a really good thing.

5. I am learning to stay out of others' heads and to keep positive thoughts in my own head. I don't think about whether others think that I should have lost more weight by now, because when I get in their heads and think "what must they think of me and my slow weight loss", it brings me down. How on earth is that going to help me reach my goal. So, I work on concentrating on me and my journey.

The bottom line is that I am a slow loser. I do what I can to continue the weight loss and I try not to let it get me down.

Drasan you are losing, that is soooo much better than before the band, isn't it? It took me 7 months to get to real restriction so I know how you feel. Don't let these people get you down. Hang in there, you will get to your goal weight ... we both will!

Good luck to all of us "slow losers"!

~Fran

[irisheyesrsmylng 40]

I too feel hesitant to go to the support group because when it starts its all about numbers. Who lost what and how much. I understand how you are feeling YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

[stateofzen 46]

Good for you for sticking with it and staying optimistic. I'm glad that you've finally had some payoff for all of your hard work.

[54Shirley 105]

I have even been judged on the Internet ! Because I have been banded for almost 5 yrs., and they see my ticker, and say (WHAT? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN BANDED?/ AND YOU LOST WHAT?) They have not walked in my shoes. I have already been where some of them are trying to get to. But yet I don't crack off at them ! Some of them are full of Bologna.

So don't take it to hard, cause it can be everywhere. That came as a shock to me, but,,,,, I see what they see too. So I would wonder about it, probably look at it as a ticker mistake.

But that's better then hearing someone sound off !

Chin Up! Keep your head up, and be proud of yourself. Because you know what you have done to try to be better in life.

I give you credit for that.

[MarcyLoo 12]

Just wanted to offer a virtual hung...and I'm so sorry you've been hurt. You're an inspiration, sticking with it through the tough times.

[Sistersue 12]

You are a great example for the newly banded like me who get told we have to lose at least 1/2 our weight in the first 6 mos or they are a failure. I have a co-worker who it took a year for her get in the green zone but now she's there and it's really working for her. We need to know that we don't all lose at the same rate and if it takes time to reach you sweet spot, don't give up. Maybe those people were really just afraid.

[54Shirley 105]

You are a great example for the newly banded like me who get told we have to lose at least 1/2 our weight in the first 6 mos or they are a failure. I have a co-worker who it took a year for her get in the green zone but now she's there and it's really working for her. We need to know that we don't all lose at the same rate and if it takes time to reach you sweet spot, don't give up. Maybe those people were really just afraid.

1 to 2lbs. a week is the norm they say. But some time we lose inches instead of pounds, and sometimes we stop losing for a while, and then it picks up again.

So there is no rule written in stone that works. Just keep trying one day at a time. Then tomorrow is a new day, and you start all over again. Don't get hung up on the weight loss !

It will happen, the same way it went on. All in time.

Shirley.

[honk 780]

"3. As I lose slowly I am learning so much about my relationship with food and slowly I am able to let go of bad eating habits and take on new, good ones."

AMEN

It has taken me 6 months to get restriction. For me this has been a will power diet. Today my boss asked me to meet someone for coffee. As I left I bought my team treats and a cofffee cake for the break room. One person was out so that cookie sat on my desk all day, and I must have passed that cake 3 times getting coffee. Did not bother me at all. That is a huge victory.

I've been a slow loser because I was already on a very strick diet presurgery (7 months) and exercising 7 days a week (1 1/2 years). From my highest I would say I lost 100 pounds BEFORE surgery. I'm sure some would say I should weigh less by now but I know I'm a success.

[mwinston2000 1]

I don't know why people are so judgmental...... From day one we have always been told everyone's journey is different, and we all lose at different paces. I would Celebrate the 30 pound weight loss, as well as the fact that even though you haven't lost alot more, you haven't gained, without the band would that have been the case..... I think not!! We should be all sharing successes so that everyone wins!!!! Keep working it, you'll get there

[Dave_NW 92]

I wouldn't dream of taking away anyone's feelings about this, and I totally support your efforts. But I'd like to offer a possibly alternate viewpoint:

Is it posible the people who have lost weight more easily are so excited about their weight loss, they don't realize it could be interpreted in a different way? Their enthusiasm about their loss could be seen as being smug, even if they don't intend it that way.

Personal example: I've had a pretty easy time with my weight loss so far, even though I've had my own issues, and worked my butt off to get to this point. But when attending one of the follow-up group appointments at my surgeons office, I was surrounded by perfectly nice people who have had a harder time than me. One woman in particular I recall had struggled a lot, and had only lost about 20 pounds since surgery, which was the same day as mine. I kept trying to be supportive towards her when we happened to speak, but it seemed no matter what I said, it was turned around, into something that seemed to be judgmental of her efforts.

The person who was conducting the meeting kept saying to her that things were to be done this or that way, and then they'd turn to me and say, "Ok Dave, now tell us how YOU did it." I was made such an example of, as the poster boy of how the band can work, it kind of deflated my own enthusiasm about my own hard work. And then I saw the one woman was quietly crying. I felt like crap, because I was almost ashamed of my own success. It was a very weird meeting, and I was delighted when it was over. I've decided I won't be attending any more of those.

My point is that maybe you weren't being judged so much, as the other person just wasn't able to curb their own enthusiasm.

Dave