Not to Tell?

[Bandme1 12]

My husband is a really great guy-so that's not the problem really. I guess I am a very private person and part of me feels like I've reached a point that I need lapband and it's embarassing for me. When we first married I was about 65 pounds thinner-not skinny but I looked pretty good. Now 8 yrs later I am at a point that I need a lapband. I think he would be supportive-but I feel like I want to do it on my own. I am not sure though. Like I said I am a very private person and independent too...this seems like such a personal thing to me.

I was the exact same as you. I was just embarrassed. My husband and I never really talk about weight and I have just slowly ballooned since we got married. I am a very private person and I was planning on not telling him until it got a lot closer to the date. But honestly, I want to be able to come home from doctors appointments and share this with him. It is embarrassing, but you are going to be growing old together. You guys signed up for better or for worse. This is just one of the "worse" parts. I just talked to my husband last night as I am just beginning the process and I am so glad I did. He kind of looked at me funny when I first told him but I explained to him the whole reason of why I want to have it done, how I will be healthier and happier. I even threw in the fact that since I will have more self confidence, it means better times in bed... He seemed to like that. In the end, he told me that he loves me just how I am but if getting the surgery will make me happy then I should do it.

If you explain to him how sensitive of an issue this is for you and tell him how important to you it is that this stays a secret, I'm sure he will understand. You should really consider letting him go on this journey with you. It might bring you closer together if he is able to help you out post-op.

[NJGirl32 43]

Well, I can't tell you how many times I have read the replies to this topic and thank you all! I still haven't told my life long best friend or my husband. I am schedule for the end of June and have had 2 doctor's appoints thus far (nutritionist and Pum.). I am still noy a 100% about telling him but I am definitely leaning heavily towards it (nopun intended! lol). I wreally do wonder what he'll say or think? I definitely will let you all know what I decide. This forum has been a godsend to me since I am alone in it for now-onlt the girl I work with knows. I keep thinkingthat this time next year I'll be thin-wow-that's an awesome thought! Again, a great big thank you from this Jersey Girl!

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

Maybe hint around and feel him out. I would say some thing like.... i have a friend that has had this surgery.. LB. Have you heard of it?... then fellow up with .. i'm been looking into it i i think it may be a good remedy for my weight issue... I'm coming to you because i value your opinion.

You have to go in with all your ducks in a row..... This way he will see how important it is to you.

Go in with a open mind and a open heart. Just know that you will have to tell him sooner or later. There is no way to hide it from him.... no way possible. If you wait till after he may feel like you don't trust him and it could cause problems.

I wish you all the luck in the world..... God Bless

[MariaMaria 0]

I love what you said about your kids......My son is my reason for this "elective surgery" (I'll get into that later) but I love the fact that they probably didn't even realize you lost weight....I know my son will never notice and I'm looking so forward into being IN the pictures with him....I know he'd love me either way but at least this way I'll be healthy and here for him.

As to "elective surgery" - - I put this in another post somewhere and I'll cut and paste it here so other can read it....I said something to her about this being "elective surgery" and this was her response to me (i've cut and pasted her exact email and I re-read it when I get down on myself)

Last things first, okay? This is not just an elective surgery! This is a life altering surgery. You have struggled with this since before you and I became friends. You are a beautiful young woman and your weight has effected every part of your life. This is not only a good thing to do it is a wonderful thing to do. You will find your entire life changed and only for the good. Okay?????

I love my friend to pieces, she always has the right words for me!

Thank you so much for the nice words about the kiddos....funny how something someone says on a message board can give you a good outlook for the day! I've had my share of "mom guilt" for other various reasons lately...but I have to say I've worked very hard not projecting on them my issues with my weight. My father was morbidly obese my entire life, and I remember as a thin girl and a pudgy (normal) tummy him telling me I needed to do sit-ups every night because I was fat. I vowed even as a 10 year old girl I wouldn't do that to my kids. I have two girls and a boy...the oldest girl is very thin while the middle girl is more "meaty"...and I can't imagine piling on the crap or making her ever think she isn't perfect. I've never talked about my weight, my diets, my issues...and I hope that they never have to feel that pain.

And your kiddo DOES love you no matter what your size, but he will love that you are in pictures again...I know I do!!! I actually handed my husband the camera to take pictures of me at the zoo this weekend....and that is priceless!

[MariaMaria 0]

Well, I can't tell you how many times I have read the replies to this topic and thank you all! I still haven't told my life long best friend or my husband. I am schedule for the end of June and have had 2 doctor's appoints thus far (nutritionist and Pum.). I am still noy a 100% about telling him but I am definitely leaning heavily towards it (nopun intended! lol). I wreally do wonder what he'll say or think? I definitely will let you all know what I decide. This forum has been a godsend to me since I am alone in it for now-onlt the girl I work with knows. I keep thinkingthat this time next year I'll be thin-wow-that's an awesome thought! Again, a great big thank you from this Jersey Girl!

I was very, very scared to tell my husband..it's like admitting defeat, not to mention the cost of the whole dang thing. ( i was self pay.) To my surprise, he only objected to my idea of going to Mexico...which I understand, and we found a place closer to home, and he has been nothing but supportive. It was hard to tell him, I cried, got upset, the whole nine yards, and he only wanted me to be happy. I think you should tell him, I think you will be surprised that he will be there for you. Good luck.

[tnt21705 8]

I talked about the band all the time before I got it. Then once it was actually a reality that I would get it I didn't tell anyone but my husband, daughter, parents, and two co-workers about it. None of my friends know. I just don't want any judgements or alot of questions about it. And then what if it doesn't work! That would be terrible and alot of people knew that I had gotten it. It's weird how I totally shut down about it when it became a reality that I was getting it.

[Papillon Princess 13]

I don't think everyone needs to know...I think you should tell people you trust and that the people who live with you should definately be told. They are going to see the changes and they are going to be more helpful if they understand what is going on. It was hard to tell my dad about it and I thought for sure he'd be totally against it but he ended up going to the seminar with me and is very supportive now. He just wants me to be healthy and do this the right way. My mom on the other hand has been supportive since I first mentioned it and trusts that I'm making the right decisions. I haven't told ALL of my closest friends, but have told a few that I'm sure will be here to support me and help me do well. You will need support throughout this. I'm in my 6th month of the pre-op diet/lifestyle change and couldn't imagine not having the support of those who I live with.

IMO - you should truly consider telling those that you live with, or like some other people mentioned you may need counseling because something doesn't seem right if you're uncomfortable talking with them about it. (I don't mean that in a harsh or rude way, sorry if it comes off like that...) I'm also a very private AND extremely independant person so I understand you there as well