Just need to vent....

I was having some complications after my last fill in September. I couldn't eat anything without throwing it up. I went back for 2 unfills and it never got better. And don't lecture me....but I let it go for about 4 months because I was losing weight. In those 4 months, I lost 25 pounds. Yes, it was because I couldn't keep anything down, but for a while I was okay with that. The worst parts were the acid reflux at night keeping me awake and my 2 year old son asking me if I needed to throw up during our meals. He didn't need to think of his mommy like that.

So I finally confessed my sins to my surgeon and he did a complete unfill. He said my stomach and esophagus are swollen and irritated and they needed a break. In 6 weeks he will start sloooooowly filling me back up with only 1 cc at a time.

When I first started this crazy ride, I was eating so well, getting all my lean Protein in, eating the right portions and Snacks. But over the past couple of months, I started back on my old habits: fast food, Cookies, chips, etc. I knew the food was going to come right back up, so what did it matter what I ate? So now that I don't have the tool of the band's restriction, I can eat whatever I want and however much I want. It's disgusting actually...I will wait til no one is in the kitchen and they're all occupied in their own rooms and I will just inhale whatever food I can find. If you were to video me during one of these episodes, I would deny that monster was me. I have already gained 7 pounds since my visit to the doctor last week.

I don't want to undo all the good I've done over the past year. I've lost 70 pounds and don't want to go backwards! Encouraging words? Similar experiences?

re: "I can eat whatever I want and however much I want. It's disgusting actually"

I recognize this Beast as it has attempted to visit me on occasion. The operational reality I've found, is that each day requires my attention to the real basic truth that I can not conveniently ignore. It works well enough to walk past these freaky events you outline.

My method is to continue to recognize the goal of eating to be 'not hungry'. All else falls into line for me, when I activate that little mental program, that unless 'hunger' physically exists, I won't eat. Perhaps my situation is different from yours.....I spent many decades without being aware of the fact there is supposed to be a mechanism that tells us when to eat and when to stop.

I had developed behavioral anomalies that 'eating' was controlled by outside factor, such as 'Is it gone?'; " can I tamp any more down with my eating shovel?" and "no one will notice"....etc. You've got the intellectual awareness to identify your behavior.

Normos eat when they are hungry. Then they stop. We of the Tribe of the Morbidly Obese eat in spite of being hungry, and we don't stop.

The next step is ACTION to change that behavior....which of course became a habit long ago. There's a point where our Rational Mind must subdue our Irrational Belly. You can do it. cheers on your journey

Just need to vent....

I was having some complications after my last fill in September. I couldn't eat anything without throwing it up. I went back for 2 unfills and it never got better. And don't lecture me....but I let it go for about 4 months because I was losing weight. In those 4 months, I lost 25 pounds. Yes, it was because I couldn't keep anything down, but for a while I was okay with that. The worst parts were the acid reflux at night keeping me awake and my 2 year old son asking me if I needed to throw up during our meals. He didn't need to think of his mommy like that.

So I finally confessed my sins to my surgeon and he did a complete unfill. He said my stomach and esophagus are swollen and irritated and they needed a break. In 6 weeks he will start sloooooowly filling me back up with only 1 cc at a time.

When I first started this crazy ride, I was eating so well, getting all my lean Protein in, eating the right portions and Snacks. But over the past couple of months, I started back on my old habits: fast food, Cookies, chips, etc. I knew the food was going to come right back up, so what did it matter what I ate? So now that I don't have the tool of the band's restriction, I can eat whatever I want and however much I want. It's disgusting actually...I will wait til no one is in the kitchen and they're all occupied in their own rooms and I will just inhale whatever food I can find. If you were to video me during one of these episodes, I would deny that monster was me. I have already gained 7 pounds since my visit to the doctor last week.

I don't want to undo all the good I've done over the past year. I've lost 70 pounds and don't want to go backwards! Encouraging words? Similar experiences?

What you describe is my worst fear. As well as I have done on this journey, I know that my work is not finished in terms of my mental state in my relationship with food. And my fear is without restriction I'll give myself the green light to eat whatever and whenever I want without hesitation. While I've developed better habits, knowing that the restriction is there and that the sheer volume of food I can consume now is much less than pre-banding is quite comforting and empowering. It does feel like I have some sort of control over food with the band, and without (or unfilled) I'll lose that control.

Without sounding too much like a hypocrit, may I suggest that you get a referral to a psychologist that specializes in food disorders? Or, take a cold hard look at what you have accomplished and what it took to get there and re-adjust your mindset that you're not going back. That means making new habits. You may have to mix it up and try a different routine in terms of the way you are eating. Try eating 4-5 smaller meals per day...eating like a bandster (small bites, chew well, take your time eating slowly). Focus on healthier foods. Mix up your exercise routine or start one if you haven't.

I really feel for what you are going through. It's a dark hole to be in and hard to crawl out. Focus on what you can change. I have posted an excerpt from a blog I follow called the Anti-Jared that was very inspirational. I hope only the best for you!

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The Anti-Jared post 02/05/11....

When I first started my “200 pound lost” journey in 2008, I hated it.

I do not like change. Eating smaller portions was not as good as eating a huge amount. Celery was not as tasty as pizza. Water is not as exciting as a Diet Dr. Pepper.

I was determined though. At 400 pounds, I had to do something. Because I had high blood pressure, I could not chance it with taking diet pills. Plus, I have done this diet thing for a long time. I knew that diet pills do not work. All lifelong dieters wish they did. We will always be fooled by the root in a third world country that is revolutionary and will miraculously help us lose weight.

The first day I ate well, and the second day. Yet, when I looked in the mirror, I looked the same. My pants were still big. I still could not tie my shoes. Life was still rough.

After the first week, I went to weigh in at Weight Watchers. They do this crazy thing where you get on a scale, and the WW employee will tell you how much you lost. You never see it, they tell you. I lost 9.6 pounds. She then said “It is probably water weight”. I thought, “Thanks for making me feel like an idiot.”

But she did not need to tell me, I did not feel much different than 420 pounds. I made better choices. I was not eating myself into a coma. I was writing down everything that went into my body. My wife cheered me on, but in all honesty, spouses have to do that. The best compliment are those from people who do not like you.

I kept it up. I kept eating right. The scale was going the right way, but I wanted some results. A sign that all of this was worth it. It was so condescending when you are 400 pounds, and everyone around you tells you”Eat to Live” and “‘You can do it”.

In the third week, after losing around 26 pounds or so, I got in my car. Just on a whim, I tried to put on my seat belt. I have not worn my seat belt for a long time. I couldn’t. It scared me because if I got in a wreck, what would happen?

This time was different. When I tried this time, I heard a click. I could not look to see if it was clicked in because I was still quite large. I unclicked the seatbelt, and tried again. I heard a click.

I cried. Not like a dramatic tear burst, but small tears. Three weeks of work and dedication were worth it. Where I felt so far gone a month ago, I saw hope. Writing down my stupid meals and going to meetings where I was the largest and only male there felt right.

I do not know where you are in this journey. 400 pounds, 600 pounds, 175 pounds? I do not know what diet you are on, nor do I know what type of workouts you are doing.

Just know you are not that far off from your goals. Small decisions can mean a lot. The scale is great, but putting on a seat belt means a lot to me. Getting in a booth. Tying my shoes. Getting a hug where both arms go around me.

Today is my 21st anniversary of my first diet. February 5th, 1990. I lost 50 pounds in three months. No Internet, no Twitter, no Muscle Confusion.

21 years later, so much has changed, but one thing stays the same.

If you want it, you can do it.

Thank you...wow...thank you. I needed to hear that.

Like the blogger, I am also tired of hearing people say "you can do it" and "just stop eating." Grrrrr!!! If it were that easy for me, I would have NEVER needed to get the band. I know they're just trying to encourage me, but instead I just roll my eyes.

I did go talk to the psychologist that the surgeon recommends, but she just sent me to the nutritionist to find healthy eating ideas. I'd love to talk to someone that truly believes in food addictions. I'm there, but when I mention it, "normal" people look at me weird like there's no such thing. I love coming here where people understand what I'm going through. thanks!

What you describe is my worst fear. As well as I have done on this journey, I know that my work is not finished in terms of my mental state in my relationship with food. And my fear is without restriction I'll give myself the green light to eat whatever and whenever I want without hesitation. While I've developed better habits, knowing that the restriction is there and that the sheer volume of food I can consume now is much less than pre-banding is quite comforting and empowering. It does feel like I have some sort of control over food with the band, and without (or unfilled) I'll lose that control.

Without sounding too much like a hypocrit, may I suggest that you get a referral to a psychologist that specializes in food disorders? Or, take a cold hard look at what you have accomplished and what it took to get there and re-adjust your mindset that you're not going back. That means making new habits. You may have to mix it up and try a different routine in terms of the way you are eating. Try eating 4-5 smaller meals per day...eating like a bandster (small bites, chew well, take your time eating slowly). Focus on healthier foods. Mix up your exercise routine or start one if you haven't.

I really feel for what you are going through. It's a dark hole to be in and hard to crawl out. Focus on what you can change. I have posted an excerpt from a blog I follow called the Anti-Jared that was very inspirational. I hope only the best for you!

----------------------------------------------

The Anti-Jared post 02/05/11....

When I first started my "200 pound lost" journey in 2008, I hated it.

I do not like change. Eating smaller portions was not as good as eating a huge amount. Celery was not as tasty as pizza. Water is not as exciting as a Diet Dr. Pepper.

I was determined though. At 400 pounds, I had to do something. Because I had high blood pressure, I could not chance it with taking diet pills. Plus, I have done this diet thing for a long time. I knew that diet pills do not work. All lifelong dieters wish they did. We will always be fooled by the root in a third world country that is revolutionary and will miraculously help us lose weight.

The first day I ate well, and the second day. Yet, when I looked in the mirror, I looked the same. My pants were still big. I still could not tie my shoes. Life was still rough.

After the first week, I went to weigh in at Weight Watchers. They do this crazy thing where you get on a scale, and the WW employee will tell you how much you lost. You never see it, they tell you. I lost 9.6 pounds. She then said "It is probably water weight". I thought, "Thanks for making me feel like an idiot."

But she did not need to tell me, I did not feel much different than 420 pounds. I made better choices. I was not eating myself into a coma. I was writing down everything that went into my body. My wife cheered me on, but in all honesty, spouses have to do that. The best compliment are those from people who do not like you.

I kept it up. I kept eating right. The scale was going the right way, but I wanted some results. A sign that all of this was worth it. It was so condescending when you are 400 pounds, and everyone around you tells you"Eat to Live" and "'You can do it".

In the third week, after losing around 26 pounds or so, I got in my car. Just on a whim, I tried to put on my seat belt. I have not worn my seat belt for a long time. I couldn't. It scared me because if I got in a wreck, what would happen?

This time was different. When I tried this time, I heard a click. I could not look to see if it was clicked in because I was still quite large. I unclicked the seatbelt, and tried again. I heard a click.

I cried. Not like a dramatic tear burst, but small tears. Three weeks of work and dedication were worth it. Where I felt so far gone a month ago, I saw hope. Writing down my stupid meals and going to meetings where I was the largest and only male there felt right.

I do not know where you are in this journey. 400 pounds, 600 pounds, 175 pounds? I do not know what diet you are on, nor do I know what type of workouts you are doing.

Just know you are not that far off from your goals. Small decisions can mean a lot. The scale is great, but putting on a seat belt means a lot to me. Getting in a booth. Tying my shoes. Getting a hug where both arms go around me.

Today is my 21st anniversary of my first diet. February 5th, 1990. I lost 50 pounds in three months. No Internet, no Twitter, no Muscle Confusion.

21 years later, so much has changed, but one thing stays the same.

If you want it, you can do it.

I really like your seat belt story. It is the little victories that can count the most. I look forward to not getting stuck in my mothers dining room chairs.

I so get where you are and feel your pain. Our stories are so incredibly similar it is amazing, but I had to have surgery because my stomach slipped up and over my band in 3 places. The surgeon was able to pull it back down but told me if it slips again he can't save it. I have gained almost 20 pounds and that is from food, not bags of chips and chocolate...I wish that was it because then I could kick them out of my life, the wt gain is from eating to quell the ferocious appetite the band helped me control. I have 3 cc now and no restriction..it is murder going up 1 or 2 cc at a time at 6 wk intervals. I have a fill Wednesday and am praying for enough to feel some restriction. If I could do it on my own I wouldn't need the band!!!!

Best wishes, Mimi

I too have no fluid in my band right now. Only mine was my choice. I got a flu bug of some sort and my stomach hurt so bad that I asked them to take it out. I am starting refills tomorrow. My provider reccomended that during unfill times, I should eat a palm size portion of protien I.E. chicken, beef ect, and a finger size portion of vegetables SIX times a day. Its a lot of time eating but I find that Im not hungry, and I have actually lost 2 lbs in 2 wks. Also, when I was too full, a long time ago, they told me to go on a full liquid diet for a few days to help facilitate the healing of the tissue. My docs office does fills under live xray, so I got to see first hand proof that it worked. It was really cool.

great comments here. RE "my fear is without restriction " my fear is to over eat in spite of restriction'' re: "food addictions" while I believe those DO exist, I also believe there is another even more compelling addiction...I'll call that one "over eating addiction" as no specific food is involved....the mechanics of gulping/swallowing mightily and washing it all down with some high calorie liquid regardless of 'hunger' is a "Behavioral Addiction". Proper restriction requires slowing down the eating cycle and requires actual chewing. Many Bandsters report they never actually learned to chew their food. I certainly developed ways to avoid such dreary and boring process. We all deal with various segments of the same problem. "Morbidly Obese" seems to have as many reflective surfaces as the mirrored ball on the dance prom floor. Reading the ongoing efforts of others helps me control the periodic increasing furvor of my own Belly Beasts.

Food addictions are quite real. Calling it overeating addictions is the same thing. We crave food the way an alcoholic craves a drink. It gives us our comfort. Our getaway. It's our way of dealing with life's stresses. The difference is, we have to eat. We can't "quit" like an alcoholic or a smoker. Our addiction is necessary to our survival. So we must approach our addiction differently. We must learn to control it rather than avoid it. I doubt there's anyone here who hasn't backslid at some point. And there are those like me who completely lost control and are struggling to regain it. I read a post on here advising another who had lost control. It said "you don't want to go the rest of your life being a failure at this". It slapped me across the face like nothing I've heard. it's a struggle we all deal with and there are some fine people here who offer their advice and encouragement. But ultimately it is ourselves who must make the right choices. We CAN do this. We must! Our very lives are at stake! Allow yourself a treat now and then. eat something decadent. or give in to your craving, but in moderation. Don't beat yourself up too badly while waiting to get back to your sweet spot. However, remember all you've gone through to lose all that weight. Do you really want to sabotage yourself and put it all back? Dig down and find that inner strength. Find something to take your mind off food. Boredom is the enemy. Good luck.

that's the wonderful thing about this website... even when you think you're the only person to experience something you come to realize you're not alone!

i'm now almost 3 years post-op and i went thru the same exact thing about 6 months after surgery. my doctor is 4 hours away so i got pretty aggressive fills. i was losing weight pretty quick because i was throwing up all the time. i let it go on for almost 3 months before i said anything. he looked at my band under xray and thankfully it hadn't slipped but it was swollen. he took half my fill out and then did very slight fills from that point on. right now i'm about as filled as my band will let me be... at less than 4.5ccs in a 10cc band.

scary thing is, i was okay with the throwing up too. my family got used to it too. my pre-teen niece saw me throw up after every family meal and i just hope i didn't damage her in any way. it was always a joke about whether i was going to throw up or actually use the bathroom.

i didn't get scared until my acid reflux got SO bad that i was choking on my own vomit in the middle of the night... or when i started throwing up black liquid.

it's been almost a year since my last fill and i'm doing okay. i still have bad days. i wonder if things will ever get easier. i'm only about 4 pounds away from my goal weight and that makes me happy!

I'd hate to come on here and say well, I'm unfilled and I havent gained so you can do it too, its patronising and not helpful. But perhaps I can share my take on it and you can take or leave my opinion, but if it helps you at all then I'm glad.

I've been unfilled for a couple of months now because I had rectal cancer, and had to have chemo, radiation and a major surgery, which involved creating an ileostomy so I have a bag for now. I'm now having more chemo and will have the ileostomy reversed sometime in the next few months. Chemo hasnt made me the type of sick that means i dont want to eat so my appetite is quite normal. I was so devastated/angry/frustrated/terrified of being unfilled, I'd been so successful with my band. But I had no freaking choice. So I sat myself down and said to myself "you're a grown up and you know you have to face the consequences of your actions". I was also feeling so out of control with the whole disease that is cancer, my life was just taken out of my hands and I had a new schedule for the coming 12 months, my job, our travel plans, even our plans for a new house, I've just had to let them all go, so I was absolutely adamant that it would not take over my weight and self image too!

I have continued to exercise like always, I run daily, I do bootcamp, I circuit train with my son - exercise is your prime weapon, it is just so important. Do lots and lots of cardio. I follow what I call my no bullshit diet, but amazingly, the other day I found someone has put it up on the web, lol - google the NOS diet or the no "s" diet. No sweets, no seconds, no Snacks is all it is basically. I eat three meals a day - healthy meals, meals that satisfy - I dont even try to stick to bandster portions, because only bandsters can do that! I've been logging calories, weighing and measuring but I stopped, because I felt that despite not gaining, I was losing all I'd worked so hard for and starting to become obsessed with food and dieting again - so yeah, 3 healthy meals, no snacks. That's only a couple of rules. No agonising over can I eat this, how much Protein does that have, how many calories do I have left for the day. I can eat enjoyable food, but not junk. Its really really worked for me, my weight has stayed pretty stable.

Now I've had a slight advantage in that I had a big surgery in there and lost a couple of kilos that I was able to gain back, and unfortunately my 3 healthy meals included LOTS of salad to fill the gaps. Salads and ostomates and chemotherapy dont mix - I've just come home from hospital following a bowel obstruction (painful, you dont want one!) and I am simply going to have to cave in and follow the recommended diet of lots of white bread, potato, rice and not too many fruits and vegies - and especially no skins. It freaks me out - all those white carbs - but I really believe with the no bullshit approach, I still wont gain weight!

You are the one in control of this, it is only you and you must make your choices. It is as plain as that. I wish there were a secret but there simply isnt. You're only human and you still might gain weight, statistically most unfilled or de-banded people do. But you dont have to absolutely pile it back on at lightening speed. You need to protect your self esteem, your sense of achievement and if you can contain the weight gain, you'll feel better than if you simply give up. Best of luck to you.

Jachut: You are an inspiration to all of us. I appreciate your advice and attitude. I had wondered where your posts had gone, missed them. Cheers and strength to you. If there is any kind of support from US I can offer do not hesitate to PM me.

Wow! Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement. I have to admit I was kind of nervous about what kind of feedback I was going to receive. So glad to see I have some understanding peeps that got my back.

I joined Weight Watchers online. I like the online tracker tool and can better understand points than I can calories/sugars/fats. I started tracking a couple of days ago and am doing some pretty strong self talking at home. Like last night when I handed my son an Oreo, I picked one up for myself. I threw it back down and verbally said, "STOP IT! You're better than that." And I walked away. YAY for small victories!