Wanting to avoid feeling sexualised as a barrier to weight loss

[kookaburra 0]

Hi everyone,

I'm getting banded in Australia on 23rd April. I'm really excited because it's something I've been thinking about for a few years and it's part of my plan for getting back to the real me this year. I do have something that worries me however and it's a reason that I believe I gained so much weight in the first place.

As a young girl I felt very sexualised by 2 step fathers and also my real father and I also had a terrible experience at a high school graduation after party. As a teenager I weighed 50 kg, was really interested in clothes, cared about how I looked and loved going out. After that high school experience, I put on weight, became even more self conscious even extremely angry anytime someone gave me a compliment about my figure and tried to hide my body under big clothes until I got so big that I became invisible to men and no one noticed me anymore. I still feel enraged on the rare chance that someone compliments me on my appearance and I know it's pretty obvious that I have issues around sexual assault but I just haven't been able to find anyone that can delve deeply enough into the area that I'm needing to rid myself of this rage about appearances. I'm scared of being thin again and noticing men looking at me because it makes me want to vomit and yell at them all at once and I'm worried that I'll regain the weight to feel safe again even though I don't feel at all good or comfortable at this size (124 kg).

I don't really expect any advice, I would just appreciate knowing if anyone else has ever felt this way? It's so good to be able to come on here, anonymously and say what is really bothering me. Thankyou.

Kind regards,

[Bob Barnett 34]

I can't answer your question or offer real advice. I just want to say that I'm sorry you are struggling with this and I'm proud that you are moving forward despite your fears. Don't let those horrible ppl in your past decide your life for you. I assume you have received counseling but if not persue it. It might take going to several drs but you will find one that can help. Stay strong and I hope you conquer these emotions and live a fun healthy life!

[kookaburra 0]

Thankyou. Your words mean a lot to me and I really appreciate them. What a lovely person you are!

[Arthemise 1]

I had a grandfather who always made comments about my body and who made me self-conscious (though he was wonderful in every other way). Though I wanted men to notice me, I was always scared of it too. That may be why I gained weight (in addition to my body going haywire and telling me I'm hungry all the time). No men (other than my husband) pay attention to me now, and that's safe.

I think if you lose weight and dress modestly, the comments should not be offensive. If they are, you can tell the person they've crossed the line. You're a different person now and have control of your sexuality. You can say no. Somehow you're going to have to reclaim your sexuality and not be afraid of it. Maybe a counselor can help. Personally, I have a loving husband, and though I'm an independent woman who can take care of herself, it helps me to know I have some backup if a guy ever goes too far. I'm looking forward to losing weight and looking good. I'm 40, so I shouldn't have too many men gawking at this point in my life.

[shannybp 0]

Hi

I want to really encourage you in finding a professional to discuss these things with. As you start to lose weight you will get more attention from family and friends who are going to tell you how great you look. Also you are going to get more attention from strangers. I can't believe how much free stuff I get. Sad but true. It is hard for me at times to hear people say I can't believe how much weight you have lost, or you look so great. I didn't think that this would bother me to hear put it does and the worst part is I don't have friends who have been severely over weight and then lost it. So they don't understand. All my friend have either always been skinny or are still over weight and have the I wish I had the problem attitude. You want this to work for you so we have to change many aspects of our lives no just the food. Good luck.

[BetsyB 9]

I agree that professional guidance can be really helpful---knowing that it can be quite difficult to locate a therapist you really "click" with.

My story is a bit different---but in a way, not so very much. My mother was sexually abused, and insulated her daughters against similar attention with fat (while making the dangers of men and sex well known to us). At the same time, she was incredibly appearance-fixated (and thin and gorgeous herself)--so there were very confusing mixed messages sent to us.

To my father, a woman's appearance (and bank account) was her only value. He is a sociopath, and the messages he sent were downright creepy.

I was on diets from early elementary school---and did maintain normal weight until I had children of my own, when it became a battle again.

However, the sex-is-dangerous message planted by my mother so early in life started playing in my mind again when my husband was unfaithful and, subsequent to that, developed a serious illness that wrought havoc with our sex life. THEN, I acutely felt that other men posed a danger to me. I saw myself as vulnerable to infidelity myself---and started hearing those Mom-messages in my mind.

The result? A large weight gain that lingered for almost 15 years. It's only recently, after really pinpointing what was going on in my head, that I became ready to let go of the insulation.

It sounds ridiculous, the idea of letting FAT go! It's FAT---of course I don't want to be enveloped in fat! But really, it served a purpose for my battered psyche. It protected me, admittedly in a maladaptive way. It made me invisible to the men who were a threat to me. It worked!

Find a way to work through this---a good therapist, journaling, talking with those who understand...whatever. It can be done.

Good luck to you---you will feel so, so good being yourself and saying goodbye to those who have injured you but are now lingering in your mind.

[kookaburra 0]

Hi Betsy B, you may never know how great it was for me to read your message. I developed a serious obsession worrying about infidelity (have never been unfaithful, never wanted to be and never plan on being but that didn't matter to the obsession). The fat is insulating, just like you said - it's incredible the similarities in our stories. My mother made me feel very ashamed of my body from a young age and would talk to me like I'd done something wrong when I got sexual attention from HER husbands. She also allowed one of my step fathers to sleep in my bed with me when I was very drunk as a 16 year old (to make sure I didn't fall out of bed again and hit my head apparently). He didn't do anything that I can remember but I still find it very hard to forgive her for that.

I've done so much work on myself psychologically in the past 3 years to the point where I actually WANT TO LIVE now rather than wishing an early death for myself but these things that I am absolutely furious at my mother for, keep rearing their head. It's so validating and wonderful of you all to listen to me and offer support. I don't expect it but I really do appreciate it and I hope that by sharing my story, it validates parts of other peoples lives that they feel shame from. Thanks again girls.

Kind regards,

[kookaburra 0]

I meant to say I do have a beautiful counsellor that I see - she is wonderful. I don't know about her experience in dealing with sexual assault so I might ask her for a referral - there's absolutely no need to be concerned for me. Thanks.

[BetsyB 9]

Kookaburra, I knew there wasn't a need to be worried for you because you are now talking about it. Being able to assign words to the experience and put it into the daylight made so much difference to me. The past is no longer threatening to my wellbeing--and moving forward is now possible.

I have to add that I really understand the rage toward the mothers (and mothers' husbands) who helped create this in us. It was so profoundly wrong---and so profoundly unfair. Being angry is a natural response. I believe it's what we swallowed for so many years. It helped us build our fortresses of fat. FEELING it is a good thing--no matter what we were taught as children. Feeling and expressing our feelings will allow us to move forward healthfully.

I'm glad you have a great therapist. Good luck to you. :frown:

[bella71 0]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, and you are moving in the right direction. Congratulations!

The only thing I would add is that no matter what happens to us in life, as adults, it is up to US to ensure our own well being. That means getting whatever help we need to get to make it happen, whether it be a Lap Band or counseling.

Meanwhile, know that you are worth the effort it takes to be healthy and happy. Own your femininity and sexuality, because it is a gift from God. Take your power back, and don't let anyone ever stop you again!!

Best of Luck. :frown:

[maryrose 2]

Hi

I can't believe how much free stuff I get. Sad but true.

What free stuff?

[maryrose 2]

Kooaburra,

Have you every watched the show called "Ruby". It's a reality show following Ruby through her weight loss journey. It's a great show. She weighed over 700 lbs. at one time. I think she is down in the 300's right now.

It's similar to your story. She has blocked out years of memory because of something most likely traumatic happening to her when she was young. She is seeling a psychologist and delving into the idea that her weight gain is acting as a barrier.

You have gotten some great advise here! :thumbup:

[kookaburra 0]

Thanks for your genuine care and understanding Betsy B. I truly do believe I've become fat to protect myself - that's quite a revelation really :thumbup: I really appreciate you sharing your experience and wisdom with me.

[kookaburra 0]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, and you are moving in the right direction. Congratulations!

The only thing I would add is that no matter what happens to us in life, as adults, it is up to US to ensure our own well being. That means getting whatever help we need to get to make it happen, whether it be a LAP-BAND® or counseling.

Meanwhile, know that you are worth the effort it takes to be healthy and happy. Own your femininity and sexuality, because it is a gift from God. Take your power back, and don't let anyone ever stop you again!!

Best of Luck. :thumbup:

Hi Bella71,

Thank you very much for your lovely post. "Owning your femininity and sexuality" is not something that I've ever been great at. That's hard when it's always been used to make you feel ashamed or to please adults who should know better. You are absolutely right though, I guess for me and many others that I"ve met, it's a journey to get to that point and I appreciate you pointing out to me that sexuality and femininity ARE actually gifts rather than something to run from. Kind regards,

[kookaburra 0]

Hey there MaryRose, I haven't seen "Ruby." I live in Australia and I don't know if it screens here but I'll get on google right and look for her. Thanks so much for that tip and yes, I have gotten some wonderful advice and support. I'm very grateful. KInd regards,