So it turns out my wife is gay...

[Smye 694]

To clarify my response to @@Inner Surfer Girl, although I just want it to end and have this vague sense of "Can I just die please?" I am not in any way suicidal, experiencing suicide ideation, or considering self harm. I just reread my post and realized I would be concerned were I not the author and so wanted to clarify.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Smye

[Bean80128 80]

I have no words of wisdom-just sending you a hug....

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Hugs to you. I know there are no words that I can say that will take away the heartache you are experiencing. It sounds to me as if your wife loves you very much and the chance of you losing her as your best friend is very slim.

I hope you both find all the happiness you can handle, whether it be together, apart or together but separate.

[Joz31 90]

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))

[MEL0129 9]

My heart goes out to you and your wife. This has to be an excruciating experience. I hope it all works out for your good. I understand what you mean when you wish the world would stop turning. I felt that way when my father died. It was such a loss for me and it felt like a betrayal that the whole world could go on when I needed everyone to realize how bad I was hurting. This situation is causing you and your wife a lot of pain. God bless you both.

[Smye 694]

@@Bean80128, thank you. Every comment like yours is a buoy for the next 3 minutes. It's almost pathetic (I know it's not really) but after 3 I need another - so thank you for being this one.

@@LipstickLady, yeah, I agree. I don't actually think we'll ever stop being friends or loving one another - I just don't want to be only friends, you know? I've craved her as my life partner since I was 5. But I want her to be happy, truly happy, and to be able to love her partner as I've loved her, even if that means that partner isn't me. One the one hand I know one of my two my 'nonnegotiables' through this all is that I need for us to both be loved and to love fully and to feel all of that love. The sucky part is that the other nonnegotiable I've got is that I need to stay partnered to her . I guess that's why this takes time.

@@Joz31, See my comment to Bean80128. Thank you!

@@MEL0129, Excruciating is exactly the word. And I feel so guilty for my own pain because I know it's so much of what's hurting her. Thank you!

Edited August 24, 2015 by Smye

[Smye 694]

Oh, and we have a kid with special needs - that doesn't throw a messy wrench into the whole debacle.

[jess9395 5,448]

I'm so sorry! For you and for your child too.

I hope you find the strength you need to hear it and emerge strong, minute by minute then hour by hour and then day by day. Thoughts and prayers are with the three of you!

[Smye 694]

@@jess9395, Thank you!

[Chrystee 838]

This sucks, but you deserve someone who wants to be intimate with you, and is willing to give back to you sexually. She can still be a friend.. she could end up still being best friends with you. I wish you good luck.

[Floridagirl2 19]

Hugs and prayers

[Smye 694]

@@Chrystee, thank you! I'm still holding out hope for 'both/and.'

@@Floridagirl2, thank you! I wish there were an e-way to actually get all these hugs

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@Smye - I am very curious, were you always heavy? When weight changes, it can really alter relationship dynamics. For instance, my girlfriend who I met when I was 305 broke up with me at 240. Part of the reason I think she did was her first husband cheated on her in the worst way. I think she was happier when I was heavy because she felt I wasn't really attractive enough to get other women interested.

And my understanding of working through deep issues like latent sexual feelings is don't make quick decisions. It takes women much longer to work through these issues than guys because they are wired to use both sides of their brains and she will be focusing on different aspects at a pace which will make your head hurt. Listen, be supportive, DO NOT offer advice or direction. Just listen until she is fully settled.

[Smye 694]

@@OKCPirate, yes I've always been heavy, but thankfully Mrs. Smye suffers from face blindness - a portion of which being that she actually can't tell by looking at someone if they're overweight . But yes, WLS absolutely changes things - here though I think it was more that our life was finally stable enough for long enough that she felt safe enough to actually explore her own sexuality in ways she was not able to do as a child in a particularly yucky home.

And yes, thank you for the other words - listening is what I'm trying to do. But as we've always told one another absolutely everything, I'm struggling not to unload my own grief on her in the meantime while searching for a new counsellor for myself. I know it's slowing her process, but it's where I'm at for now.

The plan for tonight is, once our little guy goes down (assuming he goes down before 10), to try and hang out as friends and focus on enjoying, even reveling in our friendship rather than the grief/despair/etc I feel or the shame she's feeling.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Smye

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@Smye

Hugs and prayers to you. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I cannot imagine what you are feeling.

I hope that as time goes on you are able to heal and you are able to remain friends. You clearly love her very much and I am certain she loves you too and doesn't mean to cause you pain.

I hope that you find peace with one another.