So it turns out my wife is gay...

[pink dahlia 2,513]

1. Im sending you big Washington hugs . 2. Both of you are going through a major shock, with feelings of sadness,guilt , bewilderment, and confusion to name a few. Add in grief and loss and it's just hard to breath some days, let alone come up with answers. Even if you 2 stay married, you and your wife are going to end up in a different place with a different marriage than you originally planned on, a therapist can help you through the rough parts and help you work out your differences no matter what you 2 decide to do concerning your relationship. 3. You have a child, and a special needs child brings extra stress to any relationship. It just does, nobody's fault, but counseling can help you both be the best parent you can be during this challenging time. Although I never went through what you're going through, 20 some years ago I went through a very deep loss that took me down a long , dark road of grief. It took awhile, and I still deal with it, but eventually I found the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope things go well for you and your family. Sending you hugs again !

time.

[Smye 694]

@@pink dahlia, thank you!

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Weeeeellll, just as I posted my last reply, I saw that your update had just come in. To paraphrase Bariatic Pal Chrystee , " A day late and a dollar short , I am !! Still sending you hugs !!

[Smye 694]

@@pink dahlia, doesn't change the fact that you're dead on and supportive as hell in the meantime. Thank you.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Welcome !

[katladee 156]

Smye, I am so happy for you right now I am smiling (even though you can't see me!). I prayed for you yesterday, all day, and am so glad that you are in a much brighter place today. You are an amazing person, and your wife I'm sure agrees.

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

Somehow this is not cool!!!She is just figuring that out now!!!????Give me a break...what's important that you understand that life is short and you need to live your life happily..lI am not like others..,I am going to tell it like it is...you deserve better,You deserve someone who is going to prefer men and most of all you..."YOU"...ditch this wifey who doesn't wAnt you...you can remain friends if you want.GET YOU BACK..LOVE YOURSELF AND GET OIT THEREAND FIND YOU SOMEONE that will loveYOU...want to have a fulfilling intimates do meaningful relationship with YOU...this wife needs to be EXED.Live your life...this is coming from a cancer survivor!

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

It's about YOU!!!

Seize life and leave dead weight alone.

You need to be happy and fulfilled.Find your voice.

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

There is a woman out there for you...this is nonsense...she is just figuring it out now...please...

[Smye 694]

@@Pinkgirl1234, although I'd agree with you for many couples in my situation, you are grossly mistaken. I appreciate your willingness to do the unpopular, go against my wishes and 'tell it like it is' - no sarcasm, I really admire your commitment to authenticity. However, I hope you'll agree (and if you don't, oh well) that you don't quite understand the dynamics of my marriage once I get the chance after work tonight to write out our current resolution. Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all. I'll even likely help write her OK-Cupid (or whatever service she uses) profile and walk her down the aisle - and vice versa. And yes, she really and truly is just figuring this out now - I don't know how deeply part of the LGBTIQ community you are or aren't, but it's a thing, it happens, and it's not anybody's fault. As a society, all we can do is accept that the experience of folks who discover their sexuality "late" in life (keep in mind, we're significantly younger than you probably think we are - we both graduated high school and college very early and were married at an age most could call unconscionable) might not reflect our own but is still real for them, and support and love those around us in spite of not understanding. But seriously, your outrage on my behalf is weirdly comforting . I will say though that your fervor did have the effect of making me feel silenced by you rather than helping me 'find my voice.' For what it's worth.

@@katladee, she does, I do too, and thank you! You've been a lovely support! As have all of the folks on here.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Smye

[gowalking 10,790]

@, Thank you! Me too, I just wish I knew what they were and that they could fasttrack us - I'm so sick of being in pain/afraid.

My situation was the death of my spouse but I understand you when you say you are sick of being in pain and afraid. So was I my friend. We try all kinds of things to fast track grief but unfortunately, if you don't experience it however you have to, you will not be able to accept it and move forward in a healthy manner.

For all intents and purposes, you are going through the death of your marriage. You will have to mourn and grieve and it will take time. Work with a therapist who will help you navigate this emotional minefield. I did and I don't know if I would have made it without her.

Know that some wounds cut so deep that the scar remains no matter what. I didn't date for 15 years because I was afraid of losing someone I loved again. I finally got up the strength to try to let someone in my life and while I'm in a relationship now, I still fear the loss. It will always be there. Your pain may always be there as well. You will just have to learn to live with it and not let it define you.

Hugs to you and wishing you only the best in this long and difficult journey you face. Try to remember that she sounds like a wonderful person who might evolve into a great friend one day. If not, at least you are a better man for having had her in your life.

[Smye 694]

@@gowalking, agreed agreed agreed agreed agreed agreed and she already is and always has been

And thank you.

AND I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine...

Edited August 26, 2015 by Smye

[Smye 694]

My process is about ME, hers is about HER, and ours is about US! What could be more lovely? And more painful? It's odd, but I feel I'm big enough to hold both inside me.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Smye, you said: "Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all."

Are you talking about an open marriage? Hmmmmmmm....interesting concept for your situation. That might just work.

[Smye 694]

@@Miss Mac, Not precisely, we're certainly not calling it an open marriage, nor are we going to be pursuing what would be 'typical' of an open marriage - though it's fair to call it a derivative of an open marriage. As I understand open marriages, the idea there is to keep the core partnership as primary while pursuing 'getting needs met' outside of the marriage. We're both pretty certain this would get ugly quick for both of us.

In our case, rather, we'll be remaining married strictly platonically as best friends for the time being, but when and if (it may not happen, we'll see) we start dating, the idea isn't to 'meet sexual needs' with long or short term flings, but that we're actively seeking a new forever partner. Once that new partner is found for either of us, we divorce amicably, while remaining best friends throughout. Ideally even living in the same neighborhood or as housemates with the other couple. Our marriage would be intended to end, a placeholder representing our forever deep love, not to mention the social, financial, legal etc benefits of remaining married in the meantime. But after each date debriefing as we would with anything else, helping one another problem solve along the way, etc. Oh, and SUPER clear communication throughout. And all of this AFTER she settles on whatever her identity actually is, this is all new enough she'd rather not wait.

And since we're family, our future dating will be as it would be with any other family "look, you marry me, you're marrying my mom/dad/sister/family too." Does that make sense?

Also, thanks for asking! Answering this question really helped me continue my own processing here.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Smye