Self Destruction

[choosehope 233]

Tomorrow is my final appointment with my internist for my three month medically supervised weight loss program prior to being approved for surgery. (I have medicare.) for the last several months, I have done well with watching my food intake, but this past week, I fell off the wagon and fell hard. I have consumed mass quantities of food. pizza, sweets, Pasta, crackers, diet coke (which I had been off of for several months.). I know my weight tomorrow is going to show a gain - potentially a big one.

I'm so frustrated with myself! So many worries running through my mind. Am I going to have to start the three months all over again? Do I have the discipline needed to eat like I will need to post WLS (planning on bypass)? And I ate it all while watching My 600 lb Life and Fat Doctor! For pete's sake, why am I so self destructive? I have to have this surgery. I want a healthy, active life. I don't want to be a crippled, sick old lady (in my 50's). I have gone long periods of time and lost over a hundred pounds, so why couldn't I do it for just three months when the stakes are so high?! I'm so afraid they are going to tell me that I have to start all over again. I don't know if I can do that! Argh!!!

[CloserToFine 172]

I haven't been in your shoes precisely, but here's my 2 cents.

Given that tomorrow's your final appointment with the internist, I'm assuming some ambivalence/fear/excitement combination conspired to push you off the wagon. To which I say: "sounds normal to me."

I mean, this is a big deal life change we're talking about. And of course you really want it! But it can still seem overwhelming and not-doable. So maybe, just maybe, you binged because you wanted to test yourself.

One response in this situation is to hate yourself, get down on yourself, worry, assume you're not worthy, etc. etc.

Another response in this situation is to say, "wow, that was interesting. What have I learned from this?"

You have learned from this. Repeat it like a mantra. Literally write down what you've learned from this, and discuss it with your internist if need be.

One way we sabotage ourselves is to sabotage our diets and then (far worse, from my perspective) is to hate ourselves for it. That effectively immobilizes us, convincing us we're unworthy.

So which is worse: bingeing, learning something from it, and moving forward -- or bingeing, hating yourself, immobilizing yourself, tearing yourself down?

I'd take a lesson from your own wise username and "choose hope."

xoxo

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

@@choosehope - I agree to remember your name:-) Also, I think that the important thing to remember is that for a lot of us who have chosen WLS, it is because other typical diet and exercise programs have NOT worked for any of us. We cannot do this alone, we need a stronger tool in our arsenal. For many of us that tool, which we will use to strengthen our success with diet and exercise is WLS.

However, for myself, and because I knew that I could not do this by myself (because I have tried 1001 times before). I also recognize that "it takes a village." I started up therapy (actually prior to deciding on WLS), and this can be helpful. Attending WLS support groups is also helpful. This forum is helpful. When you set a surgery date you will also likely be assigned a NUTtritionist and/or dietician to help you as well. I also hope that about six weeks post surgery to get signed up with a trainer.

I also struggle with those shows like 600 lb life and Extreme Weight Loss. On the one hand they show some of the struggles and the psychology that got them there (and some of us here), but on the other hand there is still somewhat of a freakshow nature to them that I just don't like, especially if there is not really a happy ending for the person. I mean give me a break, if the person lost 80 lbs instead of the 90 lb goal then I still think that they deserve the skin surgery down the road once they lose the additional 10 lbs because the fortitude that it takes them to do that is tremendous.

Some resources for your soul: A Course In Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson, and also the Beck Diet Solution by Judith S Beck. Neither book is about a diet. Its about overcoming some of the excess baggage that has been weighing down our hearts and minds in order to help free us from emotional eating.

Go into your appointment and hold your head high, and resolve to make the best choices that you can make one day at a time. And try to surround yourself with a support team, which can be friends, family, therapist, or support group.

Tomorrow is another day! You can do this!!!

[Bandista 7,466]

Hey, if dieting worked we wouldn't be here, right? Don't beat yourself up. That's over. You are choosing yourself and your healthy future -- what a great thing. It's a lot of work -- the research, supervised diet, pre-op stuff, surgery itself, etc. But you are showing up for all of that because you are showing up for yourself. Pat yourself on the back! You're doing great.

[The Candidate 3,215]

I think that's the kind of stuff we all struggle with, and leading up to your surgery you are forced to confront it in ways you probably never have before. I know how you feel though, if that helps at all. I'm a little less than 4 weeks from getting my surgery, after going through a year process, and this is turning out to be the most difficult hurdle of all. We're thinking about the trigger food that we'll probably never going to have again, or at the very least, in very reduced quantities than we were able to consume before. You're being faced with giving up something that has brought you a lot of comfort over the majority of your lifetime. It's natural to feel this way.

Whatever happens with your appointment though just don't let it define you and your goals for a happier, healthier life. You made a mistake and it might cost you some time. If, worst case scenario, you have to start over, than so be it. Start over. Our addiction to food is fighting to keep its power over us, and it doesn't play fair. Never has. Never will. Don't let it win. And don't let you allow yourself to be the reason why it won. Pick yourself up and start all over again. You can do it! It's a bend in the road, not a fatal collision.

And hey, you don't want to be a Penny, do you? She never even made it out of bed and you've already gone way beyond that. You want this. She didn't. Prove to yourself now that you aren't Penny. Go to that appointment with your head held high. If the numbers waylay you a bit, just get back on track and try again.

Good luck! This isn't the end unless you allow it to be.

[Babbs 14,680]

I don't have much to add to the great advice you got here, except aknowledge your post and suggest another book:

The Emotional First Aid Kit: A Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery by Cynthia Alexander

Great book regarding emotional eating, an easy read, and you can get it on e book on Amazon or Kindle.

Good luck tomorrow!

[choosehope 233]

I wish I could give each of you a hug! Thanks for the encouragement! I guess a lifetime of being ashamed/afraid of the scales is hard to get over. But I do choose hope and am not Penny! ???? This truly a cunning and baffling disease which messes with my head and makes me think my worthiness is based on the scale. Thanks for the reminders to hold my head high and keep walking boldly and confidently in the direction I've set. It took me decades to decide to even consider WLS, I guess I shouldn't be surprised if sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back. I got a grin as you reminded me not to be surprised by the behavior that got me here in the first place. Would appreciate prayers and good thoughts for tomorrow. Choosing hope!!

[choosehope 233]

@"Babbs" (don't think I'm doing that right), downloaded it a couple of days - looking forward to reading it!

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@choosehope

You are very brave for recognizing that you slipped up. So many times in my life I slipped up and didn't care or pay any attention to it until I had put on 30,40 or 50lbs after fighting to lose it in the first place. Obesity isn't one battle, it is literally a war that we fight every single day.

You mentioned in your last post that you were afraid of the scale. Post op the scale will be your friend but I want you to remember it isn't your only friend. What I mean by this is don't let stepping on the scale alone decide if you are being successful or not. There are many other measure,eats that you need to pay attention to:

1. How you feel! As every pound comes off our health improves and we extend our lives

2. How are your clothes fitting? This is the real measure of how your doing. Your clothes becomes loose and saggy very fast and really give you a good idea of how your progressing. Keep at least one of your large sizes so 1 year from now you can try them on. Talk about motivating and making yourself feel great.

3. Measurements - I get measurements from my bariatric team on a regular basis. It shows me how much thinner I am in places.

4. The scale - use this as only one measurement but it's a good one and has its purpose

[Jessica Ellison-Correa 66]

i also had a slip up this week i am on the nuts plan for low carb high Protein and i ate 6 taco bell tacos in like a day and gain back 3/4 of the weight i had lost i am so mad at my self i know i can do better i have to do better or i will be kicked out of my program