Not a great Surgiversary at all

[GotItDoneInHarlem 302]

So I hit one year on last Wednesday, the 17th, and an only now bringing myself to do an update.

My surgery was a success! A major success! So much that I couldn't let go of that losing feeling. I kept telling myself that the 5-10 pound rebound (if there even is one) after one stops losing and then puts a couple on would stress me out less and be less "traumatic" is I lost just a little bit more. And that was it, I always felt I needed/wanted to lose a little more so that the rebound wouldn't hurt as much and I could.

It wasn't until I sailed long past my medical goal and my personal goal that I would see what I was doing. It wasn't until my partner told me that I looked sick and was no longer attractive or appealing on an intimate level, that I even began to think there was trouble brewing. People expressed concern at work. The people I supervise would ask vague questions to gauge when I would stop such as, "So how much more do you have to lose before your doctor's goal gets here?" My friends ignored and avoided the topic as it was easy to explain that my sense of hunger hadn't returned yet and I was struggling to get more in so I loaded up the lunch bag or ordered in for Breakfast and lunch so that people could see me eat. i carried around Protein Shakes that I'd pour into sink or toilet so I always had food on me. When they weren't looking I'd throw half or all the breakfast sandwich away and if I did eat 3/4th of one half of it, it sure as hell wasn't going to eat lunch that day so I began going "out" for lunch, but not eating.

It wasn't until my partner left me without even one bit of explanation that I took a good look at myself. I was dumped on the phone. Well, actually, my partner said "it's over" and hung up on me. I went to pack the contents of the drawer my partner kept in my home, something I had avoided doing for quite some time, and found that it was empty. Everything had been taken home the last time we saw each other. My partner saw it coming and uncereminiously dumped me because I was still so oblivious to my own role and in denial that walking away was the easier option than to continue to fight with me over the obvious. My partner knew that walking away from this issue was the only option.

My surgiversry was this past Wednesday, the 17th. I am the lowest weight I can remember as an adult. My previous memory of a low weight was 170. I'm 6' tall and currently weigh 148. I have a big frame and "carried my weight well" and look like a shadow of myself. I lost exactly 150 pounds in one year. I have lost over ONE HALF of my body weight. I am 8 pounds above being underweight, and, if I had plastics today, I bet those pounds would be gone too.

I NEVER thought this would be me.

I did it ALL right. I even read the emotional support handbook three times at different phases of my journey AND still highly recommended it to others (and still would). I'm a man and not the demographic for eating disorders at all, but I couldn't let go of the control and success. I had to keep going. Where I had man boobs I have protruding ribs. I have a flat chest for the first time in my life but my nipples hang low. For a while I looked GREAT in clothes for the SECOND time in my life, but now I look like shit naked or in clothes because you can always see my face. I look sick and I want to lose a few more still. When the number drops below me previous new low I get a rush of excitement.

That rush and exictement over a new low scares the hell out of me. I've cancelled my holiday trip home, told as many friends, family, and coworkers that I know will be around to support me no matter what, and I am spending Christmas in the hospital after being cleared for inpatient treatment of a eating disorder. I check in on Christmas Eve and I have 11 days off, until January 5th, to stay in the hospital. It's a short program designed to get a couple pounds on you, develop an outpatient plan, and get me a new psych and talk therapist. I'm presenting with a multiple diagnosis of various mental health concerns and am approaching this as agressively as possible without going into an open ended program and taking a FEMLA absence from my job.

Not to be a total bummer, I have to say I had a great experience with the sleeve. Too good. I'm glad that I'd be willing to do it all over again and again, but that's a good thing. Because now I DO have to start all over. All over to rebuild a healthy relationship with food that I missed out on last time.

Wish me luck and I thank all of you for your support this year. I don't know what I would have done without this place to come to for guidance and to draw on the experiences of others.

I'll report back again with progress in any direction.

[kymmiej11 55]

Good luck! And good for you for getting help for yourself!! Takes a big man to do that!! Xo

[GotItDoneInHarlem 302]

You really need to work on your double entendres. Lol. Thanks, that actually really cheered me up! ROFL. ????

[GenaW828 117]

Good luck!! Sending prays and good vibes your way

[Justoperated 141]

Good luck, I hope you make it through.

You have scared me though.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

couldn't let go of that losing feeling

"they" say knowing the problem is 1/2 the battle

so..... you are half way their!!!!

good for you on recognizing you have a "situation" that needs immediate attention

you are very important

glad you are putting yourself on the front burner

taking care of you is essential to your health and well being

the plan you have made sounds great

in patient therapy for awhile

more therapy at home

I know you can/will work hard - others helping you

you will deal with this problem and become successful

i wish you a healthy, happy new year

good luck

kathy

Edited December 20, 2014 by proudgrammy

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am so glad you are able to get into a treatment program. Best of luck.

[GotItDoneInHarlem 302]

Thanks Kathy. That was a very sweet and thoughtful response.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Hopefully your new program will include some exercise physiology to get you into a strength training program. Some muscle would help fill out some lean spots better than gaining back some of the fat you lost. When I went for my one year follow-up last Thursday, my doctor said that year two is just as important as year one. So, good for you that you are heading in for round two. Getting inside your own head is the next right step.

[pinkbunies 359]

Good job. Just remember there are a million fish in the sea and he was just one of them.

I'm so tired of my friends saying to me... how much more are you going to lose?

I'm only down 51 lbs all total. Im 6 7' and I feel attractive at my current weight but I want to be around 200lbs when all is said and done. I don't think my face has slimmed down that much. I get hit on all the time by both men and women, younger and older so its flattering and gives me a confidence boost. I really should wear my wedding ring lol. It might help with having to tell people no.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I send you Christmas wishes for a positive outcome and continuing self-awareness. I bet you can figure this out and learn to live in the healthy zone--however you need to define that for yourself.

It's impressive that you are taking this seriously. I'm also impressed with your partner. What he did took courage, too.

[GotItDoneInHarlem 302]

Hopefully your new program will include some exercise physiology to get you into a strength training program. Some muscle would help fill out some lean spots better than gaining back some of the fat you lost. When I went for my one year follow-up last Thursday, my doctor said that year two is just as important as year one. So, good for you that you are heading in for round two. Getting inside your own head is the next right step.

Miss Mac. Thank you for helping me focus and keep my eye on the prize-health. It's going to be an important year but the challenges will be different

[GotItDoneInHarlem 302]

It's impressive that you are taking this seriously. I'm also impressed with your partner. What he did took courage, too.

Yes, what he did took courage, but it has been incredibly painful. But at least I can say I've haven't eaten my feelings. I'm not an emotional eater, never was, but his absence hurts.

He's no angel, and there was so much left unsaid, he never really gave me a reason, but I know this played a major role. I wrote him and thanked him for opening my eyes and I apologized for the role I played. Told him that I was entering treatment as well. He's maintaining distance and has ignored me. That's okay though. I get to focus on me now.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

You can beat this! I'm happy to hear you've finally admitted you have a problem and are taking positive steps to deal with it. Regardless of whether or not your ex does or doesn't even respond, it's important that you be the best YOU!

Wishing you well and sending positive vibes your way!

[chasingpolaris321 214]

You are such a mature and brave person. Honestly, it's so hard to look at yourself and realize when you can't fix everything on your own. What you're going through sounds like disordered eating like you said, but just remember that so many of us on this site have experienced disordered eating, albeit in the opposite direction. Having surgery doesn't change the way we think about food no matter how prepared we think we are, and it's going to be a journey for many years to come. You seem to have a really clear head about all of this, and I hope this program helps you heal a bit. I've done inpatient programs before and it can help to take some time out and focus on yourself. Good luck with everything, and let us know if you need help or support.