Hello, I'm getting a surgery date on Nov. 2nd & I've decided not to tell anyone, except my husband, that I am getting the band. I came to this decision because of the negative people I have in my life. I needed a babysitter when I went for my psych. eval & then again when I met with the nutritionist. I told my friends/family that I was seeing a nutritionist to help me with weight loss. Had I known that this would cause negative responses I would have just shut my mouth. I heard things like "You were thin when you were younger, you already know how to lose weight"., "All you need to do is eat less & exercise"., "How many times are you going to try losing weight? You're hurting yourself by yo-yo dieting". and so on and so on.

(You have to exercise and eat less to lose weight? I had no idea! )

On top of this.. My husband & I had a bon fire at our house with a few close friends & family. Someone brought up the issue of weight loss & how a girl at work had the bypass done. They were saying how she took the easy way out & that it isn't fair to the people who need to lose 20 pounds and have to work it off.... How someone can just say cut me open and make me skinny. And our insurance goes up because these people want to be skinny.. and so on.

Well.. I couldn't believe what these sweet, kind hearted & caring people said about this poor lady. I was shocked that they could be so ignorant. That this lady wants to be healthy and the insurance could be paying for a hell of a lot more if she didn't have the surgery done. Thank GOD I didn't tell them that I was thinking of getting the lapband.

I am 5'5 and weight about 235. I have had surgery on my back 3 times with a spinal fusion, a bone graft on my hip and a intrathecal pump implanted in my tummy that goes to my back. It's very hard for me to exercise, so I have a harder time losing weight. This is one of my main reasons for wanting the lapband. I want to use the tool to help me, since I can't exercise that much.

In the end of this long winded message (I'm sorry)..

My questions to you are:

Do you regret keeping yourself in the closet?

How did you explain yourself when you couldn't eat a lot or certain foods? What about BP'ing in public?

The liquid phase? or any other related issues.

What type of questions or remarks did people make about your new eating habits?

Last but not least, is there some people who told others and wish they did not.

Thanks you, in advance, for any replies. I'm very curious to see if there are others who feel the way I do about keeping this secret.

*Don't get me wrong, I'm not a shallow person nor am I ashamed of getting the band. I just don't want to be judged or treated differently because I made a decision that will help my health. I don't want to be in a wheel chair so young in life. I'm 34 years old and my doctor told me I have a skeleton of a 60 year old.

I am so annoyed at these posts. There are just so many ignorant and rude people in this world. How can one be so mean and give negative comments about someone losing weight or their decision on how they want to lose weight, when they are trying to be healthy? I can not even believe that people are even more ignorant to compare a bypass patient to a lapband. Of course a bypass patient is going to lose tons more weight than a lapband patient, at THE BEGINNING. In the end, it is about the same weight loss. A lapband is made for a person to lose weight at a slower rate without the high risk surgery of a bypass. It's amazing how some people can say: Well my friend had the bypass done and in a month they lost like 30 pounds and this other friend,well, she had the lapband done and only lost like 12 pounds in a month, she must of cheated on her diet.(some don't even lose the first month)

~~~THUG~~~ HEAD HITTING THE DESK~~ Do we have to carry around a book to help explain to people that there is a huge difference between the two surgeries? The difference between the operations alone are amazing, not to mention, the recooperation period. Then there are many side effects that I am, personally, all set with. Bandsters have a band around the stomach, bypass patients have.. well.. they are "rerouted".

It makes me sad to see that some of us have been fat all through life and if you were like me, I was picked on, teased and made fun of all through grade school and even college. My favorite comment was "If you'd lose weight, you'd be so pretty". That was the nicest comment to a fat kid. I cried every night as a child. Anyhow, It's even more amazing that we are adults and we are trying to do something about our weight and people still throw negative comments and rude remarks. I guess you can never win, unless you throw a deaf ear to it or just stand up for yourself and tell that person where to go and how to get there.

I just want to say to those who have lost weight through getting a lapband and/or while waiting to get a lapband, be proud and pat yourself on the back. Any weight loss is wonderful! Then put your middle finger on each hand up and tell those people who have been throwing negative comments your way, where to go.

Your choice to have a lapband is just that, your choice. I won't tell anyone, besides my husband and Parents. I have many negative people around me. The same ones who picked on me my whole life. I've lost 20 pounds already and I'm still being told that I'm too fat and I need to lose weight. Not Wow.. you look good, are you losing weight? I'm sitting back and smiling because I know that I will be at my goal weight, it's a matter of time and I can't wait until these people have nothing to talk about anymore. The joke WILL be on them!

~~~VENTING COMPLETED~~~thank you for posting this thread. I was always browsing this site without signing up and then I found this thread and had a lot to say, after reading all the posts. I needed this after a very negative weekend, with ignorant relatives.

YOU GO GIRL!!! thanks for the shout-out truth!

Bling Baby, You rock!!!!!

Hi Everyone,

First of all, bling baby.. Very nice post, very encouraging and so true. It's sad to say that there are many ignorant people in this world, what ever happened to saying a kind word or just smiling at someone you've never met or seen in your life. This world seems to be full of a little bit of this (kindness) and too much of that (ignorance).

I'm so glad that I'm keeping my decision to be banded between my husband & myself. Everyone has been so helpful to me, in many ways. It's great that the people here vary on the opinion to keep it to themselves, yet still respect each others thoughts & choices.

Keep the thoughts coming, I'm learning so much from you all. I love hearing your stories and how you're dealing with the decision to keep it to yourself or let the world know.

I am brand new to this community and haven't even been to the doctor to find out if I'm even eligible, but I know that if/when I get banded, I'm not going to tell anyone. It's nobody's business but my own. But I tend to keep personal things to myself anyway.

I'm the one living in this body and it's a decision I have to make on my own. I don't need other people's opinions cluttering up my mind.

I told NO ONE except of course my husband. I told a couple of convenient lies about where I was going ... blah blah blah... and here is why. First of all, it really isn't anyone's business. I'm not trying to sound snippy, but under this heading fall so many things that it is easies to just say it is none of their business.

Things to consider:

1 - Soooo many people have an opinion which is illinformed, why give anyone who doesn't immediately fall into the category of "your cheering squad" the opportunity to say something which is going to be a downer. Who needs it. You have enough on your mind without having to deal with other peoples hang ups.

2 - It costs money...and everyone has an opinion on how other people spend their money...my lap band was the best $$ I ever spent on myself and I didn't come to my final decision about the surgery without a significant amount of guilt..."I could be spending this $$ on X or Y", "I should be able to do this myself, I just need to get control of my body".

I think that the money issue is what kept me from telling lots of people in my family. It's like the gateway issue for everything else...they get somewhat upset about the $$ and then all kinds of other comments come out of their mouths.

But few people have walked in your shoes...they have NO IDEA how difficult it is being heavy. I have a good friend who is gay and we laugh that we are both dealing with the same kind of prejudice, from a different source, granted, but more the same than most people would initially think.

I Dont regret keeping it to myself one single bit...and here's the infinite upside... you can let people in on the "secret" one by one as you see fit, on your timetable. That way you can do what feels right to you. I had surgery 5 months ago (and 36lbs ago). Two weeks ago I told my sister about it because I was trying to make a point. If it weren't for the issue we were discussing, I would not have said anything...there was no reason to.

You Go Girl! You are taking a step in favor of health, my dear...and no one should ever make you feel badly about this. Keep it to yourself, tell the whole world...this is YOUR proceedure and you can tell whomever you want...or not.

I told NO ONE except of course my husband. I told a couple of convenient lies about where I was going ... blah blah blah... and here is why. First of all, it really isn't anyone's business. I'm not trying to sound snippy, but under this heading fall so many things that it is easies to just say it is none of their business.

Things to consider:

1 - Soooo many people have an opinion which is illinformed, why give anyone who doesn't immediately fall into the category of "your cheering squad" the opportunity to say something which is going to be a downer. Who needs it. You have enough on your mind without having to deal with other peoples hang ups.

2 - It costs money...and everyone has an opinion on how other people spend their money...my lap band was the best $$ I ever spent on myself and I didn't come to my final decision about the surgery without a significant amount of guilt..."I could be spending this $$ on X or Y", "I should be able to do this myself, I just need to get control of my body".

I think that the money issue is what kept me from telling lots of people in my family. It's like the gateway issue for everything else...they get somewhat upset about the $$ and then all kinds of other comments come out of their mouths.

But few people have walked in your shoes...they have NO IDEA how difficult it is being heavy. I have a good friend who is gay and we laugh that we are both dealing with the same kind of prejudice, from a different source, granted, but more the same than most people would initially think.

I Dont regret keeping it to myself one single bit...and here's the infinite upside... you can let people in on the "secret" one by one as you see fit, on your timetable. That way you can do what feels right to you. I had surgery 5 months ago (and 36lbs ago). Two weeks ago I told my sister about it because I was trying to make a point. If it weren't for the issue we were discussing, I would not have said anything...there was no reason to.

You Go Girl! You are taking a step in favor of health, my dear...and no one should ever make you feel badly about this. Keep it to yourself, tell the whole world...this is YOUR proceedure and you can tell whomever you want...or not.

Hon--I totally get you. I understand completely what you are saying and thinking. THEREFORE, after much consideration, I have not told anyone but my husband, and then about 8 weeks into it I told my daughter, only because I would like her to do the same, (she needs to lose nearly 200 lbs.) as I have watched her struggle and spend money after money with WW, gyms, Jenny Craig, ect,ect, and I believe that what she needs IS a tool in which to help her. As I had hoped, knowing I have one did prompt her to get the interest. She was able to see for herself, it is not debilitating or that painful. So once she can convince her husband that she is willing to do this---(he's said he is paying on a gym membership that is not being used) I believe she will do this. Other than those 2--no one knows. Actually, after you can eat regular foods, there is usually something at every resturaunt that you can eat. (except maybe pizza, although you could eat a slice of pizza toppings.) We went last night to mexican with my MIL, I had a bean tostada, just the toppings and side of beans. Both good for protein intake. And because you are talking and not really paying attention to what the others are eating--they are not paying attention to your meal either. You can just move your food around the plate taking a bite every now and then and continue the conversation. I know it seems like a lot of work, but it is possible. Once in a while I use the old--my stomach feels sour tonight, must have been my lunch--and I then can eat a smaler meal without suspicion. Now, everybody knows that I am trying to cut down and lose a few as we are going on a week cruise in November and then staying in Orlando a week after that (oh darn!! I will miss Thanksgiving dinner!!) so no one really questions my food choices or portions. I am like you and do not choose to have people know ALL my business, plus, because the weight loss is much slower than the bypass, I don't need some jerk commenting on how much a waste of $$ this was--it is not working. I have lost 28 lbs. since the end of June and I do not have anybody rushing up to comment on my success, but my husband and I can see it and I can also see it in the clothes I am wearing. I could rattle on and on but I won't and I just wish you great success, I know you can do it and you will do it well. There really is no need to tell anyone, this is a private matter and not public info, so do not feel bad about not telling. It is a TOOL, so all you need to do is tell them you are just trying to lose a few and they should not question that. I have never pb'd or slimed as they say, because you know when you need to quit eating and when you get that feeling--put your fork down and you'll be OK. Good luck kiddo and keep us posted!!

~~~VENTING COMPLETED~~~thank you for posting this thread. I was always browsing this site without signing up and then I found this thread and had a lot to say, after reading all the posts. I needed this after a very negative weekend, with ignorant relatives.

I am glad you decided to post and your are right on!! Keep up the good work, sounds like you really got it goin on!! Don't stay away--come back soon and often!!

I can't wait until these people have nothing to talk about anymore. The joke WILL be on them!

LOL, sadly people will always have something to say. Next it will be "you've lost too much weight. You look sick. You're not as nice/accomodating/selfless (insert whatever adjective was convenient for everyone but yourself) since you lost weight."

I have always said this about myself "Give me an hour and I'll tell you anything", but I AM A CLOSET BANDSTER. Normally you find me discussing the most self-effacing stories about myself, I'm open and honest and just let everything out, but I could not do it this time.

I told my sister, parents, husband, a couple friends, and bosses at work. I regret telling a doctor and another co-worker. At the time it felt right - but now, I'm upset that they know, because things leak out, and I'm worried.

I work in a hospital, and there is a fishbowl effect with people who know. They want to see these dramatic results, and sometimes, they just don't happen like that. I'm losing, sometimes fast, sometimes slower and I haven't received too much attention for it. I don't want people to judge how I eat, what I need to do differently, that I took the 'easy way out', or participated in this risky surgery. I always thought at the end I might say something - when it's all over. But I couldn't deal with the stress now.

Yesterday at work, I didn't chew scrambled egg well enough and I exited to the ladies room, I just told them I felt queezy. When I was on the liquid diet - I said I was 'on a diet' (cuz I was). People just don't notice if you don't call attention to it.

I am having my surgery the 20th of this month and I have only told my husband and my mother and all you here at WLT.. LOL . I have alot of family that feels that you should just be able to not eat so much and run 40 miles a day and you will be thin...so I am not saying a word to any of them. I feel that it is a personal and private issue with me (and all of you). I had two friends that have had the bypass and people all over town are constantly talking about them. Good and Bad. I just do not want my weight to be up for gossip with anyone.

Your post/question was a good one. I don't often see folks talking about the privacy issues associated with surgical weight loss, and for the most part I am grateful for those who have worked so hard to destygmatize it, to make it public, and to erase the shame associated with fatness and weight loss. I imagine that there are several conversations like this one that go on with a great deal of regularity in the depression and gay communities. "Hidden" (or not-so-hidden) sources of shame are difficult, it's true. I have been able to talk about my depression more openly in the past few years than I was 10 years ago, and maybe 10 years from now I'll be better able to talk about my weight loss surgery. Baby steps. In the meantime, I admire those who champion our cause and who have the strength to be public about it. I rely on their work to make things easier for me in the future.

When I decided to have the surgery in June, 2004, I pledged that the only ones who would know were my family (my parents, brother and sister, I mean) and my best girlfriend. I am 32, single, and finishing a PhD at a large midwestern university; it's a well-educated community and I spend most of my social free time with good friends, talking and eating. Since we're all grad students, our work time is private and our social time happens in planned ways--we plan to have lunch, coffee, dinner, etc. So even though I had every reason to assume that my friends would be nothing but supportive and encouraging, I was also concerned that every time we'd be together I'd have to know that they were watching me, observing and noticing. I didn't want that kind of pressure. If there were times that I wanted to try and eat a cookie at a party or order cheesecake after dinner, I didn't want anyone to accuse me of undermining my efforts. My choices are my choices, and I make them for a variety of different reasons, and I didn't want to have to explain myself every time I was out having a good time with my friends. Plus, the last thing I wanted to feel with my own friends and family was even more shame than I already feel for being fat my whole life. I have enough guilt about that without their scrutiny added to it.

Having said that, over the past year my friends have definitely noticed my weight loss (I'm down 85 pounds). They also notice that I don't eat a lot, and that sometimes I sit up real straight when I do eat (oops! didn't chew that well enough). They make comments about me not eating ("I ate a lot earlier today" usually works) and they make comments about how much weight I've lost. When they ask what my secret is, I tell them it's portion control (which is true). I don't usually deny myself foods, but I eat a whole lot less of them. (Though, like everyone, there are still some foods I can't eat at all--bread and all doughy/baked things in general are missed terribly!) It sucks having to say "I'm not really in the mood for a sandwich/pizza/pasta" when my friends and I talk about where to go for lunch. They notice that I take the bun off the walleye sandwich I just ordered. They notice that I eat the chicken out of the enchilada and leave the tortilla behind. They notice that I don't drink while I eat. They're smart, curious people. But they also know that I'm a lot happier since I lost the weight, and that every time they see me I seem thinner.

Presurgery, I dreaded so much attention paid toward my body, but now I've come to love it and crave it, surprisingly. I thought I would hate people commenting all the time on how much weight I've lost. I thought I would hate that permanent gaze (I pictured them whispering about me). Honestly, though, it's NICE when the people who love you are happy for you. It's amazing how much I love having other people be proud of me. I like that they admire me. I like that they wish they could be more like me.

I've told a few of my smart close friends whom I trust to keep my secret. But my roommate doesn't know, though he sees those jars of powders?utm_source=BariatricPal&utm_medium=Affiliate&utm_campaign=CommentLink" target="_ad" data-id="1" >unjury Protein powder in the pantry and knows that I only eat one piece of pizza--if even that--when he orders it. I still have many, many good friends whom I would love to tell but just can't seem to do it. Not surprisingly, they are all men. I dunno--I suppose that's my own hangup that I can't tell men things that I can trust women with. And, perhaps most interesting is that I practice telling people by testing it out on strangers I don't see very often and who don't have much contact with my daily circle of friends: the woman who cuts my hair, a massage therapist I see every 4 months, my dentist, a few friends who have graduated and moved away. It's important that if you do choose to keep it private that you can tell "safe" people who are low-risk (i.e., those who don't see you every day). But overall, I'm happy I did a little of both. It's worked out well.

Thanks for bringing this up. I enjoyed writing down my thoughts and thinking it through. I'm the kind of person who errs on the side of privacy, but I understand if you think having the social support will help you. I admit there are times I regret not telling, but most of the time I'm glad it's my secret to tell when I'm ready to tell it, to whom I'm ready to tell it to.

Sincerely,

AstraNumen (a pseudonym)

Dr. Santiago Horgan (Chicago)

Banded June, 2004

300/215/190

I decided not to tell because this is a very personal. I told my husband and he is very understanding, my mother she is my best friend and my sister because she had GBP last year and her story got me moving and she came with me to seminars and dr's visit and held my hand when I was scared. My plan is to share the new way of eating with anyone that ask (Protein first). I don't think this is the easy way out and don't let anyone tell you other wise.

What ever you decide I'm sure you will make it work. And remember the people in this board are always here for you.

Two co-workers of mine have had the bypass, and another has recently had the band. They have all been put in a "fish bowl". I work with kids (I am a teacher) and they have negative things to say, and other co-workers have the "she looks like she has gained some weight back" comments too. So I want to be a closet bandster. Trouble is I have been asking a lot of questions to the newly banded person (mistake?), and another co-worker and I went to a seminar last weekend together. The lady I went with swears she will not say a word to anyone, because she does not want anyone to know she went either. (I won't tell.) Now I am thinking of ways to back out of everyone knowing.

My plan is to go to my AIGB appointment that they know about and then make something up about too many pre-op tests, too much money, lousy insurance, etc. and then go to the appointments without people knowing. If I plan right, I can have the surgery on one of the holiday breaks and no one would know. How does that sound? Figure it will work as long as no one I work with reads this.

Sure is sad that people make us feel like we have to lie, or hide. Really feel like I can trust the lady I went to the seminar with, but would hate for one little slip to sell me out to the kids. Then my life would be three shades of hell.

I have lost 45+ lbs on Atkins in the past few years, so figure the high Protein way of eating won't tell them anything, and they have all seen me drink my Atkins shakes. Guess in a way that should tell me how they would react wouldn't it? But they really think surgery is taking the easy way out. And they make comments about others like "she had surgery and she is still big". Don't want to be the topic of their conversations in the locker room you know.

We all have secrets for different reasons. We all have people we think wecan trust. The hard part is knowing for sure.