Today I recorded my food consumption on Fitday.com and after dinner things were looking pretty good. So why did I then go and eat more? I wasn't hungry:( . But I felt compelled to eat; I have a pain in my chest because I ate a sandwich and several biscuits on top of my dinner!!! I feel like an idiot. If it didn't start hurting I would not have stopped eating.

I know that up until that point I was doing great - for someone without a fill - and I thought ‘Wow this is starting to come together’ and then ..... BOOM!!! The rebel in me kicks in and takes over. 'You are not doing the right thing again are you?' she says, and I try to throw her off the scent, but she knows, things are going well and she says 'Sh*t if we want to survive we had better stop this quick smart, conforming means disappearing, conforming means dying, conforming means belonging to sMother again - and THAT is not an option - ever again!!!' So she leads me into the kitchen and off I go eating more and more, or being distracted from my exercise, or house cleaning or whatever I am 'supposed' to be doing. I know she is scared and is trying to 'save' me but really she is killing me. How do I get her to calm down and stop fighting my good intentions? How can I create a sense of self that is so secure that I (and my Rebel) wont fear my sMother any more - or any other 'helpful' person?

I know why I rebel. I rebel because my sMother has always tried to control me, using the 'sweetest' emotional blackmail. And now when someone tries to be helpful or 'sweet' or encouraging - I rebel, I fight as if I am fighting for my life. And in a way I am. I have very little sense of self. I am the sort of person who is always changing to suit the situation or company. I cant seem to hold myself steady. My weight and eating have been things that have defined me - i.e. 'I am not my sMother, because I eat like a pig and she starves herself' or 'My sMother hates me being fat, therefore if I was thin I would become just what she wants me to be - a part of her - so I must stay fat to be myself'. It’s like the fat gives me space, holds me to the ground and makes me real - not just some dream of my sMother's. I am frightened of 'floating away', when I think of being thin I think of being 'weak, exposed and insubstantial'. How can I get past this? :think

My sMother now lives on the other side of the country, but still she haunts me. And my DH gets the 'death stare' if he even tries to suggest or help or even encourage my weight-loss or exercise program. If I read anyone on the forum say 'you must do...' or 'you shouldn't do...' I immediately want to do the opposite, almost automatically and compulsively. :angry

I am in therapy, I just haven’t seen my therapist in a few weeks, but I have an appointment with her on Sept 6th. What can I do ‘til then? I know I am at risk of hurting my band, but that fear is not as strong as the other fear of disappearing. I have often felt as if I don’t really exist and this, I think, is an extension of this feeling. But I know that if I don’t ‘find myself’ (to use a crude and overused cliché) in a hurry I am going to fail with the band. I am probably not psychologically ready for it, but now its too late. What should I do? :tired

P.S. Any advice you give me I will probably ignore :rolleyes (f*ck it! I’m damned if you do and damned if you don’t – crappy cliché #2), but perhaps if you could tell me about your own journey of ‘self discovery’ (ugh! crappy cliché alert #3) then together we can trick that part of me that baulks at taking advice.:alien

Wow, are we related?

I hoped the band would eventually change my way of thinking, but every day is still a constant struggle. Even after a year, food haunts me. I wish I could say more, but this is one fugging ugly battle of a screwed up monster we're dealing with, that's fer sher.

You are not alone it is a constant battle with the other half who will eat everything to be comforted.

OKAY - you ready -

1) Eat WHATEVER you want WHENEVER you want it.

2) Follow everyone else's advice - cuz they all know what they're talking about.

3)Listen to all the lame ads out there that tell you that you HAVE to be skinny to be beautiful.

4)Pay no attention to me cuz I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I hope this has helped - in even a small way. Everyone's mother drives them nuts at one time or another. (Mother-In-Law's too) It's nature's way of making us get out when we grow up.

Ahhh, the head games. I, too, have the Rebel girl inside me. The one who says "screw you, I'm eating!" when good sense guides me the other direction. I'm not sure how to squelch her, except to say that her voice does, indeed, get smaller and less effective as the weight falls off.

There is a Peace and a Happiness and a Contentment from deep inside that seems to make her shut up a bit. She's a little bit easier to ignore. I suppose for me it has helped to allow myself to be as loved as I really am. My hubby isn't perfect, but he loves me deeply and fully and I have to convince myself not to create anger toward him that isn't there. I choose to be loved, rather than to carry an ugly heavy chip on my shoulder that creates an excuse to eat. That inner Rebel is searching and searching for any kind of excuse to convince me to eat in comfort or out of spite.

For me, I also got some index cards and wrote down Bible verses that I find inspiring, the ones about how God loves me, he created me just as I am, he knows my inner being, he longs for my heart. Reading those aloud, especailly during stressful times when inner Rebel girl is starting to yell for more food, is very helpful. I'm not sure why, I suppose it has something to do with me being okay with being loved, and me NOT having to kick and scream to get the love. I have it already, with whom am I fighting? Rebel girl thinks there's a fight. There isn't. She shuts up pretty good these days.

Thanks for this thread. You don't have to listen to a word I said and I don't care. Eat and be fat. I needed to write this. Thanks for helping!

Oh Loopylou, I don't know if you've read the thread on circus freak families, but are definately in our club. Sorry, part of me is glad but that is the sick and twisted part that hates to be alone, that fears being a freak. The majority of me is very sorry you had to to deal with such a crappy childhood because I understand pain.

After my first husband left me, I took a couple of years away from dating to figure out who the hell I was. I was malable, I had no real personality, or if I did, it was so burried after a lifetime of abuse not only from my family but from the men I chose to date. (You hurt me, therefore you must love me.) And chaos and strife and fights and pain were normal to me, without them I felt lost and ill at ease. I actually broke up with a man becaue he was really terrific. I just couldn't stand waiting for him to hurt me. How sick is that?

You might find that journaling helps. I don't remember who told me to do this, but when those tapes of my mother start playing in my head to say to her "thank you, I'll take that underadvisement." Or something like that. Journaling helped me and continues to do so. I use LBT much in the same way I use a journal, but it's different too.

Because I was so neglected as a child, I horde food. Well, lots of reasons why I horde and lots of things I horde too.. But I am starting to get a handle on that behavior. I still refuse to clean the kitchen before I got to bed though. I'd love LOVE a clean kitchen in the morning, but that only happens a couple times a year.

It isn't reasonable to leave your husband for a year while you are trying to figure out who you are. I think the only reason I'm able to live away from my husband and son is because I've already done that hard work. I know who I am now, but it wasn't an easy journy.

Wow! So I'm not the only one. I too am having trouble with eating when I know I should be done for the day, usually stressed, worried, bored.....you name it. I've also been eating stuff that are high in sugar and low in nutrition...Junk you guessed it. I think part of it's rebellion as food is the one thing I have had the most free will about in my life..(the rest of my life has been pretty stifled and heavy on the "responsibility" side since I became cognizent, I've been on my own for almost twenty years but funny how those first years follow you forever and color the rest of your life.) Was pretty poor for a long time so have a terrible habit over overstocking my frig, cupboards, pantry, freezer and still wanting to shop for groceries. How sick is that, I've been having to throw stuff out and could probably by a new wardrobe with the money I would save. Sorry for rambling on about me in your thread but felt like I kinda knew what you were talking about.

Good luck on taming your wild creature. I'm doing my best with mine.

Kathy said it best, "allowed myself to be loved" sounds simple doesn't it? Believe me it isn't. If it was then none of us would be in the shape we are in.

I have recently come out of a horrible depression where I wasn't sure I wanted to continue living. After some intensive therapy and an enormous LOVING man (who I had to set straight on one issue, LOL), I am now understanding what it means to truly be LOVED.

The other thing is to LEARN to love yourself. Once you do that the REBEL will die. You can bury her and put her way down deep. Yes she will try to climb back out at times but you just stomp on her head and tell her "NO, I am loved and you go away now." You gotta get stronger.

You have started down this road and fear of succeeding is what can hamper our success. We get comfortable in our skin the way we are and when we start to see a change it scares us. Or at least that is what happened to me. I work at it every day to improve myself. I have this same inner critic that I fight with every day. Only mine is about my art and my classes and other things. So be aware that if you kill one inner voice then another one might pop up in a different area.

Therapy is a good thing. I also agree with Vines, I journal like mad. I holler and scream in my journal at my inner voice. That makes me feel better cause I am directing the anger in the right direction.

Take what I said and use it or ignore it. Just my ramblings.

food can definitely be a powerful demon! I honestly feel your pain. I'm sure that most everyone that visits this board deals with the very same hardships. If nothing else, this forum can provide hope and support for those issues. Hang in there. You are not alone. (boy could I tell you some stories!)

Ray

8/9/05

Dr. Snow

Fort Wort, Tx

280/260/180

I know what you're going through --- been there done that -- still doing that.

Take care - there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh my, how well we all relate!!! (Hope that's not a cliche') We all have our hurts, pain and demons to fight, and unfortunetly they sometimes win the battle, but I plan on winning the WAR!!! (OK I know that's cliche') I have read your post and everyone who has responded to you and each one makes me cry, not just for all of you but for myself as well. I still haven't learned to treat myself half as nice as I treat others.

It's funny how you feel that becoming thin will make you invisible, being fat makes me invisible, repulsive, and someone people want to avoid, as if fat were contagious. I lost over 120 pounds with the band, and because I was receiving too many compliments, I gained it all back!!! How stupid was that!?!? So even though this won't make anyone feel better, at least we feel a little less lonely and a little less like a freak. So thank you for starting this whole discussion, I certainly needed it!!!

I have done the same thing way too many times. I have a great day, and then blow it with night time Snacks. I have to be very strict if I want to lose weight. Not so strict if I just care to maintain. I have a wide calorie range for "maintenance" and a tight one for "lose weight". Last night I ate dinner and not 30 minutes later found myself scrounging the kitchen. Nothing sounded good because I wasn't "hungry" but I wanted to eat all of it. I made myself a pot of coffee and nearly drank the whole thing. Then I couldn't sleep when I went to bed (gotta get me some decaf), but I didn't eat darnit!

Unfortunately being on the computer at night doesn't keep me from eating. I can type and munch perfectly well, lol. I try to have something to fidget with when the TV is on so that I don't feel like I should be eating something (so many YEARS of bad habits to break). We just have to do our best!

I have a wide calorie range for "maintenance" and a tight one for "lose weight". Last night I ate dinner and not 30 minutes later found myself scrounging the kitchen. Nothing sounded good because I wasn't "hungry" but I wanted to eat all of it. I made myself a pot of coffee and nearly drank the whole thing. Then I couldn't sleep when I went to bed (gotta get me some decaf), but I didn't eat darnit!

OMGosh wer'e related!!!!! Coffee is my snack-avoidance-technique. Works great! But it doesn't keep me up. I go to bed fine, thankfully!

Hey Loopylou! You reading all this good stuff you started? Great thread!!!

Oh yes Kathy I am reading!!

Thankyou everyone who has responded. I feels amazing just to know I am not alone. The people in my life have never understood, and I have always felt a bit like an :alien freak. But here I feel safe and understood, and that to me is priceless.

Thankyou - licks all 'round!! :lick :lick :lick

Hi Loulou: I am another one who can definitely relate to what you wrote. At one point I realized that by reflexively rebelling against everything my parents said or wanted I was still letting them control my life, because they were defining my opposite path. It's a long struggle. I finally got past it by (1) overcoming depression through therapy (no longer) and drugs (still on 'em; probably will be forever) and (2) getting older. Reread your first post! You have a lot of self-insight and clearly are a reflective person. I don't have any advice. But since you are (painfully) aware of what you're doing, you're off to a fine start. Good luck.