Today I recorded my food consumption on Fitday.com and after dinner things were looking pretty good. So why did I then go and eat more? I wasn't hungry:( . But I felt compelled to eat; I have a pain in my chest because I ate a sandwich and several biscuits on top of my dinner!!! I feel like an idiot. If it didn't start hurting I would not have stopped eating.

I know that up until that point I was doing great - for someone without a fill - and I thought ‘Wow this is starting to come together’ and then ..... BOOM!!! The rebel in me kicks in and takes over. 'You are not doing the right thing again are you?' she says, and I try to throw her off the scent, but she knows, things are going well and she says 'Sh*t if we want to survive we had better stop this quick smart, conforming means disappearing, conforming means dying, conforming means belonging to sMother again - and THAT is not an option - ever again!!!' So she leads me into the kitchen and off I go eating more and more, or being distracted from my exercise, or house cleaning or whatever I am 'supposed' to be doing. I know she is scared and is trying to 'save' me but really she is killing me. How do I get her to calm down and stop fighting my good intentions? How can I create a sense of self that is so secure that I (and my Rebel) wont fear my sMother any more - or any other 'helpful' person?

I know why I rebel. I rebel because my sMother has always tried to control me, using the 'sweetest' emotional blackmail. And now when someone tries to be helpful or 'sweet' or encouraging - I rebel, I fight as if I am fighting for my life. And in a way I am. I have very little sense of self. I am the sort of person who is always changing to suit the situation or company. I cant seem to hold myself steady. My weight and eating have been things that have defined me - i.e. 'I am not my sMother, because I eat like a pig and she starves herself' or 'My sMother hates me being fat, therefore if I was thin I would become just what she wants me to be - a part of her - so I must stay fat to be myself'. It’s like the fat gives me space, holds me to the ground and makes me real - not just some dream of my sMother's. I am frightened of 'floating away', when I think of being thin I think of being 'weak, exposed and insubstantial'. How can I get past this? :think

My sMother now lives on the other side of the country, but still she haunts me. And my DH gets the 'death stare' if he even tries to suggest or help or even encourage my weight-loss or exercise program. If I read anyone on the forum say 'you must do...' or 'you shouldn't do...' I immediately want to do the opposite, almost automatically and compulsively. :angry

I am in therapy, I just haven’t seen my therapist in a few weeks, but I have an appointment with her on Sept 6th. What can I do ‘til then? I know I am at risk of hurting my band, but that fear is not as strong as the other fear of disappearing. I have often felt as if I don’t really exist and this, I think, is an extension of this feeling. But I know that if I don’t ‘find myself’ (to use a crude and overused cliché) in a hurry I am going to fail with the band. I am probably not psychologically ready for it, but now its too late. What should I do? :tired

P.S. Any advice you give me I will probably ignore :rolleyes (f*ck it! I’m damned if you do and damned if you don’t – crappy cliché #2), but perhaps if you could tell me about your own journey of ‘self discovery’ (ugh! crappy cliché alert #3) then together we can trick that part of me that baulks at taking advice.:alien

girl i can relate . when i read your post i thought did i write that . ha the lord has blessed us with each other on this site so we can help each other thur times like this sandie