trying to get back into the groove...

[2008er 0]

Ugh.

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Ok, so I’ve been away from the forums for FAR too long.

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Geez, pre-banding (and even immediately after), I was on the forums several times a day. I was an info sponge, noting all the ups and downs folks had, making mental notes of what to do and what to avoid. DETERMINED to be successful.

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And yet here I am. I can see my one year bandiversary around the corner (I was banded March 17, 2008 – St Pat’s). I’m down only 25 pounds. Granted, I was lower BMI to begin with (39), but STILL.

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Have I put full effort into it? Nope. Some days, yes, but overall, nope. I found that things like ice cream never make me PB. Grilled chicken breast, though, is a major challenge. Nature’s cruel little joke!

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I have been exercising regularly (3x/wk most weeks) for a few months now. Certainly has helped my depression (I’m off of prozac now), but nothing to budget the weight.

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Some days I feel sooo sexy and sleek, and others (like today), I feel like to doughy mass of humanity I got this surgery to escape. It never fails to amaze me how mood can SO influence how I feel about myself, regardless of the number on the scale. I think part of why I feel so lumpy is because of Christmas/New Years – I spoke to several folks I don’t get to talk to often, and they all asked how my weight loss has been going. It just reminded me that it HASN’T gone. Now I’m beyond bummed.

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I just gave up sugar (the bane of my existence – I’m wicked addicted to it) on the 1<SUP>st</SUP> – today’s day 5, and I caved a tiny bit (but now I’m back on the wagon). I find that to control myself, I have to go cold turkey on desserts/sweets altogether to break the cycle. I still have ketchup and other foods with some sugar component (crackers, e.g.), but not sweets. I’m sure this is part of my bad mood, too – the first week off of sugar is the worst.

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Anyway, just venting. Anyone out there? Time to get back on track…

[MacMadame 81]

Have you talked to your surgeon about maybe getting a slight unfill? Because you shouldn't be PBing on chicken if you chew it well.

[2008er 0]

Thanks for the thought - I'm concerned about getting an unfill just because my weight has not moved much. I'm soooo embarassed and ashamed that I'm not better at this band thing (I'm a bit of an over achiever - part of my constant Quest for perfection is was got me fat in the first place. I hate disappointing myself and others. Really, really hate it).

I'm pretty sure the band is at the right fill level, it's just me that's not working right! I did have some chicken last night that worked ok - I cooked it in a steam cooker, and that seemed to help keep it moist enough to go down without a problem (regular grilling and pan cooking maybe left it too dry? even with sauces it'd get stuck).

One of my new year's resolutions is to listen to my band more - I need to find the willpower to STOP eating when I get that first full feeling, rather than continuing to eat because I enjoy it or because I'm still hungry in my head. Sometimes I get frustrated when I've only had two bites of something warm and yummy when my band says "enough" - I try to just slow down and keep eating.

*** Geez, just even re-reading this post ticks me off at myself. I worked SO hard to get banded (insurance appeals, etc), and I'm doing so much to sabotage it now. I swore I wouldn't be one of "those people", and yet here I am. Good thing I have a therapist appt today - I kinda feel like a band loser right now. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS. I am smart enough, determined enough, and I hav plenty of support. I just need to DO IT.

[cierra'sgrandma 1]

I didn't realize that it had been September of '08 since i was on this site! A lot of things have been happening...I am nearing the one-year mark since my surgery (February 6th, 2008). I've lost 76 pounds, so far. I've had a few problems with the fills, in that they were actually too much! ANYWAY, I've been doing a lot better, but you know, there are times when--or so it seems--all I want to do is EAT:w00t:! And yes, I've fallen of the wagon a few times. But, my surgeon is rather pleased that I've lost 76 pounds, and that makes me feel pretty good--even though he feels I've hit a plateau. Sort of breathes new life back into the situation. Now, I'm learning to NOT eat fried foods, as my stomach will say, "Not in here!". Fried foods tend to mess with my gall bladder problems. Other types of foods do too. Still, hard-head that I am, I'll attempt to eat something that I know I shouldn't, and I pay the price. I've actually stuck my finger down my throat a few times to make it all come back up and chase away the extreme discomfort. Don't like admitting to that, but there it is! No, it's not an every day, every meal thing, thank God! {I hope that last comment wasn't insensitive or offensive to those who struggle with bulimia. I sincerely apologize if it is/was.}Sometimes, when I get nauseated and feel sick, and I know what's about to happen, my thoughts are to help it along. After seeing my surgeon this morning, I do feel better about myself. I was sor tof punishing myself for "not doing better", but he was really very pleased with my weight loss. Yet, I can't help but feel that if I had just been more vigilant, I would have more than 76 pounds lost by now. Hey, I'm going to break through that plateau.

[MacMadame 81]

Good thing I have a therapist appt today

I am really glad you said this. You are REALLY hard on yourself.

Think of it this way: the first couple of months with any surgery are a learning period and an adjustment. You are no more a failure than someone who takes the training wheels off their bike and then falls down a bunch before learning to ride without them.

As for the fill, it may just be a lack of chewing, but sometime they take as little as 0.01 cc and it makes a world of difference. So I still say talk to your surgeon about this. They have the experience and can ask the right questions and make some good suggestions.

[2008er 0]

Thanks, MacMadame - I do feel better after my therapy session, even though I didn't get deep into my details. Talking about other stuff actually helped give me perspective that I do have a lot of things going on, and I've improved a lot since last year, even if the weight on the scale hasn't done my bidding.

My relationship with my DH is WAY better, I have a ton more energy for myself and for my kids, I have started a regular exercise program, and overall my head is mostly in the game on most days (big plus from a point of depression previously). I'm also starting a new job Monday and that'll be good to help my fresh start.

I will keep getting back on the bike. :thumbs_up:

I think I'll give it another month of working my program full-on, and if I don't see results I will do exactly as you've suggested and see the surgeon. I didn't realize it before, but I think I'm scared of the fill process, and that may be part of what's holding me back from getting full benefit from the surgery. My port is tipped, and fills are brutal. I think I'll ask if they can do one (unfill, rather) under floro so it's not so awful.

I feel better now. Thanks for being there!

******

Cierr's g-ma: 76 is AWESOME!!!! Keep up the great work!

[MacMadame 81]

Yuck, a flipped port!

But it sounds like your head is in a much better place today. I remember a rough spot I went through at about 8 to 12 weeks out when I was pissed off about everything that was to do with my surgery. But it all gets easier with time!