I'm 30 years old, single, and have been overweight my entire life. I always told myself the reason I didn't date much is because I was heavy, but since being banded I've lost 140 lbs. I had a tummy tuck two months ago and look better than I did in high school. In fact, I'm down to a size 12 (5'11) and am in as good a shape as most women my age.

However, I realize now I have no idea how to flirt or let a man know I might be interested in him. When I was heavy I was always turning my eyes down because I didn't want someone to think I was flirting with them. I thought they would laugh at me... like they could be interested in me.

Unfortunately, this has carried over into the new me. Does anyone else find this problem? And if so - don't you wish they had classes on how to flirt? I am tired of being alone and am at a point where I think I could open up if I found the right man, I just don't know how to do that. I still find myself closing off people I don't know...

Any thoughts?

~Lori

Lori, I so know that story. I feel the same way. But I look for safe flirting zones. Sounds funny, I know, but it has to be about my comfort zone. So I look for activities that I don't dread, but I have the opportunity to meet men.

I always do this with my friends with me. It always feels safer with people you know mixed with people you are getting to know. dinner parties, social gatherings, mall, lunch events, and movies are just a few of the things I do to build up my social skills with the opposite sex.

lori, i'm so glad i found your post. i was just going to post something similar. i'm not banded yet, but i've been thinking a lot about my post band life. i've never dated or anything and i'm nervous because i know that once i'm thinner and feel more confident there will be more opportunities. problem is, i have no idea what the heck i'm doing... flirting, small talk, how to tell if a guy is interested - all that stuff seems so foreign to me. i wish there was an instruction manual or class or something.

Actually, I think they DO have classes for people who want to learn how to flirt...I'm not sure where you would find them exactly, but try looking for body language experts or coaches. I know that I've seen them on television shows before. Good luck!

You can also look up articles online and just start reading about it and putting things in to practice. Eye contact and body language are essential and it is something that needs to be practiced.

Also, meeting people online might be a way to start building up some levels of confidence just in chatting. You have to be careful with this route in that you don't always know who you are talking with but it can be a start. There are soo many sites you can peruse such as match.com or eharmony, etc.

Its mostly just practice. Even as a heavy girl I have had no problem with meeting people, getting dates, having relationships. Go slow...its hard and its scary...but practice making yourself hold eye contact with a man and smiling. That's all. Just a smile. You will be amazed at the energy it gives you when they smile back. And something in you will feel the "zing" when he is smiling at you as an attractive woman. You will just know.

When you are ready you can bump it up to saying hello or asking them a question. But try just holding eye contact and smiling first....that's the hardest part.

Yeah, it's breaking through that inner fear that I'm not attractive and no-one would think I am... I've got to work on the whole smile thing.

I've also been thinking about seeing a physchiatrist for a little bit. I know I still have food issues, and obviously I have body issues. Anyone know where to find someone who specializes in this type of psychiatry?

~Lori

Lori

Flirting is amazingly hard. The best advice I can give you is to not care. Don't care about being sucessful, don't care if you fall over yourself, just don't worry about the end point. You know just think about the moment as it is happening.

Smile, look people in the eye, hold doors for people.

Talk about the weather in passing as you enter the grocery store with the workers. Talk to old men and even make chit chat with strangers, women too. Just to get comfortable looking at people and having people look at you.

Before you know it you'll be casually chatting with someone and he'll be your Mr. Right.

Some psych stuff is always a good thing. Food/body/self identity stuff should be pretty easy to find someone who specializes in it.