Want to change the "focus"

[brandyII 9]

I've decided that by focusing too much on my lap band and the diet and what I'm eating and when I'm eating and what I shouldn't be eating is sabotaging anything that the lap band can or will do for me.

I'm going to stop worrying about it and live a "normal" life! If that means I lose weight great if it doesn't so be it. I will exercise for health reasons as it helps with depression and diabetes. I will try to be more active just for the pleasure in it.

When I focus on my "diet" I always end up screwing it up and feeling like I'm depriving myself and then I do anything to add those extra calories. It's totally wrong and I'm not going to do it anymore. It's an added pressure I put on myself and it backfires and has backfired most of my life unless assisted with the aid of illegal diet pills or cigarettes and I don't want to take them anymore either.

I will focus on loving myself and building my self esteem rather than knocking myself for being fat and not worthy of a life because of what the numbers say on the "GD" scale:cursing:.

If I feel my band is too tight to accomplish this in a normal manner I will get some or all of my fill removed. Thanks for listening, brandyII:smile:

[brandyII 9]

I put too much pressure on myself and always have about dieting as it started when I was a little girl with my mother always hounding me about my food intake. I was the first girl after three older brothers and probably was competing for food at the table! Every time I have dieted I have screwed up my health mentally and physically. My self worth was based upon my size and my metabolism went down the toilet.

I never had a legit doctor prescribe me diet pills "black beauties, yellow jackets", as there were always willing participants to take my money in college! I went to an amazing jr. college for a while and I remember there was a lounge area that the "partiers" hung out at and the college administrators walked by as we did all sorts of illegal substances out in the open, you name it I did it too, pretty amazing times back then.

Anyway with the help of others (including professionals) I am trying to come to terms with this as this is my last hope? I attempted this same surgery, well actually it was to be an RNY, about 3 years ago and had to postpone it and after postponing it for family issues I actually started taking off weight and lost about 20 25 pounds, smallest I had been in years actually. I then said to myself hey maybe I don't need the surgery.

Then much stress and every day occurrences happened as they normally do and it came back on, so 2 years later back in the surgeon's office. So as a person who grew up fat, and had lost 100+ lbs twice in her life and gained it back again I need to find inner peace to be happy with myself as a fat person because that's what I am.

So whether I am able to lose it or not on the lap band I need to be happy with myself. This is so important because my weaknesses and personality and emotional makeup did not change as a thin person and kept going back to being fat. So by focusing on the diet and by freaking out about my fatness and hatred of my fatness and hating myself I was not able to lose weight and if did gained it back.

If I can't love myself or be secure enough in my skin now I'll never get to a better place in my life. Does that make sense? Anyone else feel this way too or have been there besides Jack. And no I am not pmsing or drinking:wink2: brandyII

[MerryHearted 20]

I got there first, a few years before I got the band. And yes, it will help you in the long run. It kept me fat longer, as I accepted myself. Eventually, I made the choice to lose this weight, but my motivations are not out of shame. At least, not to the same extent as before. I think that can make a big difference in being able to make food choices that enable you to lose weight without feeling like you are dieting the way you always used to. It's a shift in thinking.

I wish you the best!!

[Hastings 3]

Way to go, BrandyII. I think you have made a huge step.

I can recommend the book by Rick Fields - "Chop Wood, Carry Water." Perhaps your library has it.

Hang in there and keep up up to speed on your progress (physical and emotional).

[Tess415 1]

I too got tired of beating myself up and not liking myself because of my size and the things that I couldn't do. (My first weight watcher diet was with my grandma at age 12) But, I can tell you that you can change the way you view yourself. The first step is to admit that you don't like how you think of yourself... like you just did!!

I have spent months pre-op battling the negative and replacing it with the positive!!! And it is working ... you can learn to be positive about yourself and lose weight ... not sabotage yourself! I have been seeing a life coach, and have found this to be truly an amazing awakening for me. They have had a few life coaches on Oprah! if you ever watch her show or check her website.

I have been through so much crap with my DH that I don't think I even knew how badly I was treating myself, and using food as my drug to be content. It has been a lot of had work but I feel happy about the person I am and what I have to offer to others.

I want to encourage you to be your own best friend, and you will be so happy that you did! Part of being my own best friend has led me to being successful so far on my journey. If your interested in seeing my life coaches web page PM me!

Tess

[brandyII 9]

I got there first, a few years before I got the band. And yes, it will help you in the long run. It kept me fat longer, as I accepted myself. Eventually, I made the choice to lose this weight, but my motivations are not out of shame. At least, not to the same extent as before. I think that can make a big difference in being able to make food choices that enable you to lose weight without feeling like you are dieting the way you always used to. It's a shift in thinking.

I wish you the best!!

Molly,

Are you saying that accepting yourself kept you fat longer? I think different people have different experiences with being fat. Some are completely negative and some are positive. I am a very sensitive person in general and every negative comment about my fatness I can probably count on both hands but they still haunt me no matter how long ago they were made. And I think fat is like money there's new money and old money and there's new fat and grew up fat.

Although I grew up with a very negative self image because fat was so negative in my family and my surroundings that I told myself I would never put that on my own two children but they got it anyway because of my own self image was so poor because of my fatness not due to anything else. Ok, I always hated having curly hair, but other than that it was my whole persona.

One daughter just had gastric bypass and the other lives her life to the fullest as a full figured young woman with a full life. Two totally different stories. I know neither is "happy" with being fat but one chose one route and the other chose another and has more self confidence, thank God!

Don't mean to ramble on so much about it but it helps. thanks brandyII:smile:

[brandyII 9]

Way to go, BrandyII. I think you have made a huge step.

I can recommend the book by Rick Fields - "Chop Wood, Carry Water." Perhaps your library has it.

Hang in there and keep up up to speed on your progress (physical and emotional).

Jack recommended that book also I guess I should check it out. thanks brandy:smile:

PS

I just checked it out it seems like something that might interest me, thanks. I don't know why but I started thinking about the book "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" It's not going to go over my head is it?

Edited June 7, 2008 by brandyII

[brandyII 9]

I too got tired of beating myself up and not liking myself because of my size and the things that I couldn't do. (My first weight watcher diet was with my grandma at age 12) But, I can tell you that you can change the way you view yourself. The first step is to admit that you don't like how you think of yourself... like you just did!!

I have spent months pre-op battling the negative and replacing it with the positive!!! And it is working ... you can learn to be positive about yourself and lose weight ... not sabotage yourself! I have been seeing a life coach, and have found this to be truly an amazing awakening for me. They have had a few life coaches on Oprah! if you ever watch her show or check her website.

I have been through so much crap with my DH that I don't think I even knew how badly I was treating myself, and using food as my drug to be content. It has been a lot of had work but I feel happy about the person I am and what I have to offer to others.

I want to encourage you to be your own best friend, and you will be so happy that you did! Part of being my own best friend has led me to being successful so far on my journey. If your interested in seeing my life coaches web page PM me!

Tess

I'm sure it's partly due to my personality flaws but the thought of a life coach scares the bejeebies out of me! I know what they are and serve a great purpose but I'm such a small step kind of person that if I jump into something major like a life coach it might send me off into the deep end.

I know it's very anti-lap band but I've actually seen other books written by fat women on accepting their bodies. It's all relative, there are just as many thin women or "average" size women/men who still have body image issues but as a fat woman I was taught that it was not only unhealthy to be fat but I was not an acceptable human being in our society and in my own society. This self loathing spiraled into a major health crisis for me as I've yo yo'd dieted for almost 40 years and now have very little self worth or metabolism left. I'm only 48 and I don't want to live the rest of my life out feeling this way and so far I've found ways to mask it but not to actually fix it.

Thanks though maybe I'd be ready to look at the website a little further down the road, thanks brandyII.

[Cota129 0]

Not following a "diet" was one of the choices I made when I decided to get the band. I was always cheating on "diets" because I felt like I was missing out. When I got decided to have my band, it was largely because I needed to have the regiment of a "diet" out of my life and learn to live and eat normally. I am so much happier now.

[brandyII 9]

Not following a "diet" was one of the choices I made when I decided to get the band. I was always cheating on "diets" because I felt like I was missing out. When I got decided to have my band, it was largely because I needed to have the regiment of a "diet" out of my life and learn to live and eat normally. I am so much happier now.

You're lucky you were able to do that from the start with the band.

I started out that way thinking I wouldn't need to "diet" because the band was going to restrict my intake of food but things didn't work out that way and now I've got to take control over my life in general and not focus so much on my band screw-ups and failures and just be happy as I am and hopefully get to a healthier place inside and out again!

[Hastings 3]

Brandy, no, the book won't be over your head. I promise.

Congratulations on taking control of your life. That is why I like to keep my band looser. I want to be the one in control of what I eat. I just think of my lap band as a sort of fire wall. It is a sort of back up for me.

[MizPeppy 3]

BrandyII, I am so glad I stopped here today. You and I have a lot in common but I haven't posted in any of your threads. Last week I decided to embrace my fatness too. I have been struggling with the band and feelling like a failure and hating myself yet again. I decided to start living life to the fullest as a fat person, eat healthy foods, exercise by doing things I love and developing new friendships. I bought myself a bunch of new clothes, joined a fat events group, and I even applied for 5 new jobs!

I also thought the band would restrict my eating and I wouldn't have to "diet", but the only way I lose is by strictly dieting. Then I fail as I have done so many times in the past. I had good restriction at one point, but got something stuck and had all the Fluid removed. I now have 3 ccs in a 10, will get a fill, but will concentrate on loving myself and living life! Keep me posted as to how you are doing! Beth

[brandyII 9]

BrandyII, I am so glad I stopped here today. You and I have a lot in common but I haven't posted in any of your threads. Last week I decided to embrace my fatness too. I have been struggling with the band and feelling like a failure and hating myself yet again. I decided to start living life to the fullest as a fat person, eat healthy foods, exercise by doing things I love and developing new friendships. I bought myself a bunch of new clothes, joined a fat events group, and I even applied for 5 new jobs!

I also thought the band would restrict my eating and I wouldn't have to "diet", but the only way I lose is by strictly dieting. Then I fail as I have done so many times in the past. I had good restriction at one point, but got something stuck and had all the Fluid removed. I now have 3 ccs in a 10, will get a fill, but will concentrate on loving myself and living life! Keep me posted as to how you are doing! Beth

Thank God, I was starting to feel like I was from the planet Mars or something!!! I'm still reading a great book and actually plan on reading some more on the topic which is not very popular in our society and you won't find a shelf in Borders or Barnes and Noble's on the subject matter but I'm reading "Self Esteem Comes in All Sizes" by Carol A. Johnson, MA, you can still get it in print but it's probably over ten years old but still it's a great read!

I'd really recommend it to you and if you're like me you will really relate right away. I had a different family situation than she had but just being an overweight woman in our society today it's worth everyone's reading time! Really if you haven't already read it yet you'll love it! It's not an easy path and even the author says it's not always easy for her to wake up and feel positive but she knows it's changed her life so much for the better. Could you want any more than that? Take care brandyII.

[MizPeppy 3]

Wow, that sounds like a great book. I just bought Chop Wood, Carry Water on Amazon and I can't wait to get it! Beth

[brandyII 9]

Others suggested that book to me also but I had already three on hand to read so I'm going to have to wait on that one let me know what you think, brandyII.