I am fairly new to the idea that the lap band

[Scottay5150 0]

Despite my great respect for Shortgal (and kinship with all short people in general) I think I have to disagree with the suggestion to try Weight Watchers. On the whole it is not a bad concept but from what I saw in your original post it sounds like she has been dealing with weight issues for at least a decade. Combine that with your comments that she was both athletic and maintaining a healthy weight up until her difficult pregnancy and I would say she probably knows how & what to eat possibly better than most normal weight people.

In my own humble experience most obese people know what they shold be doing in regards to food & exercise, the problem lies in actually doing it. I know this sounds like a will power issue and I don't want to minimize the fact that in the end it is our hands putting the foods in our mouths and its our rear ends sitting on the couch not exercising. Still there are so many other issues working against us that are beyond normal control.

There can be many reasons some medical some psychological that have led her to becoming obese. But no matter how she gained the weight science shows that over 90% of people who surpass a BMI of 40 (or maybe its 30 I can't remember right now) will regain their weight loss within 18 months even when on a medically supervised diet and exercise regime. Obese and Morbidly Obese individuals body chemistry is different than that of those that are closer to a healthy weight. Whenever we lose weight our body starts sending out strong chemical signals to coerce us into eating, to change our metabolism to be more efficient and to even redirect a larger percentage of a normal caloric intake into replenishing our depleted fat cells rather than the rest of our body. There is a very interesting online radio show that you can stream that talks about this in more depth and even explains how the band can help change the pattern in more ways than just limiting our ability to eat too much in one sitting. I can find a link for it if you like. But try to imagine telling someone who just took an overdose of sleeping pills that if they fall asleep it is only because they lack the will power to stay awake.

Again I'm not trying to give excuses for my own previous behaviour or hers but I do believe it is not as simple as a will power issue or a lack of knowing what the right foods/exercise levels are for many.

like i was saying i am not absolutely sure what is causing the failure... just want to be part of the solution. Thats all.

Scottay

[Scottay5150 0]

I have to second this opinion. Very few spouses would make the effort you are and that is wonderfull. But in the end this does need to be a choice she wants to make for herself.

Is she willing to attend a seminar or maybe a local support group of people that are already banded? I know I was very against surgery myself until after I attended a seminar and saw just how many other people were in the same situation as me and heard more about the medical side of my not losing weight than I had known before. It made me feel so much less guilty for considering surgery and made me feel more hopefull at the possibility of it working for me.

wife wants the band. And I am wanting to know if it is the right decision. And will it help long term. And I have never researched until she brought it up.

Scottay

[sfeiner 2]

Well if she wants it, just be as supportive as you can. Don't even hint at pushing. Tell her you love her just as she is and will support anything she wants to do. Then drop it. There is nothing worse for the obese thAN being reminded that they aren't ok the way they are. I would be running for comfort if I thought my loved ones didn't love me fat or thin. Would love to have her post.

[shortgal 5]

Hey Ghost, you fellow shortie!

It's hard to give advice to the spouse and not the person that needs help. WW was not the answer for me, but I did learn a lot about portions and weighing and measuring.

The type of previous attempts at weight loss for the wife was not mentioned. What I did read was what seemed like unhealthy habits of eating too much and then eating too little. I have known many athletes that were very active to consume many calories without needing to be concerned becasue the level of activity burned, counteracted that.

But, what happens to the athlete that stops being athletic and is now accustomed to this larger portion of food? They gain weight and then you're right, their body will crave it.

I have known a few people that lost a sense of a normal portion along the way and were helped by WW. A lady in my town lost 200 pounds after yo-yo ing for many years. It's been 5 years now that she kept it off. I needed more help than WW could give me, but gosh the things I learned there are helping me now that the band is there to help me, too. So it's been like two hands helping me instead of one and I'll take them both! This is just my experience. I'm sure the more answers the OP gets, one will strike a chord.

We all know his wife has to want to lose the weight and perhaps she does. Maybe she is just overwhelmed with it all, or feeling that sense of hopelessness, that nothing can help her and he is taking the lead for her in the search about what lap banding is. That's a great spouse to take the time to learn about it and maybe help her find out it's right for her. And he might learn how to better support her if she does get a band.

But WW might work for some, but not for all. Just like those shirts that used to say "one size fits all". Yeah, right!

[TheGh0st 9]

Scottay - I want to apologize I had written my post at work over a period of time and had not refreshed my screen to see your additional posts. I had only seen the first couple posts and hadn't realized your wife was the one initially looking into the band. But even if she hadn't and it had been you that had discovered the idea. It still shows a great love for her that you care enough to be doing all this research. Any woman should be proud to have a husband so concerned to take the effort you are to reseach this out.

I also was only trying to tell you a little about my own experience with weight loss. I wasn't trying to imply that you thought she had a will power problem or that you had ever driven her to tears. It was only my opinions on what has happened to me and how society in general views obesity. My own husband has done both but your post seemed so clear that you were not responsible for her unhappiness that it never crossed my mind. Again I apologize if I made it sound so.

I also remember reading that the two of you are riding bikes to/from work and she has lost some weight doing this. If she does get banded this commitment to activity will be a great help in her success. I was not so good at committing to formal exercise and have lost slower than some of my bandmates that made such a commitment.

Shortgal - Yeah, don't get me started on the one size fits all shirts. With my F-cup Girls even at a size 10 pants I can't fit most one size all shirts. And though I didn't do WW I did do Jenny Craig several years before the band and was initially successfull before I gained it all back plus. So yes I can see your point that a structured program can give us tools we can use even after the band. I guess I was just assuming that if she had been dealing with this for over 10 years it would shock me if she hadn't already tried several programs in the past.

[shortgal 5]

Ghost, Too funny about the shirts! Now they say "one size fits most". I ask "most of who"???

I would have thought everyone that gets a band knows a lot about dieting, food etc and that they have tried everything, but then I see somebody ask " what are proteins"? or what are "good carbs"? and think.... WHAT?

Shrug!

Scottay: Seems like your wife still enjoys being active and athletic, so that's a key thing to remember. Maybe you could starting walking together at night after dinner. When we get better at one aspect in our life, we sometimes get on the right track with other issues. If she feels better about herself because of exercise, perhaps she will feel stronger to take on the demands of Weight loss surgery. The demands of WLS include shopping for the right foods, cooking the right foods, Portion Control, Dr. appts. etc. It's work! Getting her physical activity up could help her feel like she can take control of what needs to be done.

You'll find lots of info on the forum about insurance issues, suggestions on Dr's near you, what to expect after surgery etc.

If you need to be pointed in the right direction on the forum for other specific questions, let us know.

[emilyr629 0]

Scottay- I didn't read all of the comments but I read your original post and just wanted to give my 2 cents. It's good that you are a loving husband and want to support your wife. I think a lot of men are like it and go about it in the wrong way.

Speaking from my own experience my kid's dad was kind of like you supportive of me losing weight and wanted to help and he wasn't making me cry about it but he was part of the reason I was.... if you want to help your wife truely help her..... tell her everyday how beautiful and sexy you think she is just the way she is. That's what it took for me I'm in a wonderful relationship now with a man who has told me everyday how much he adores me, the sexier he made me feel the more I wanted to do this for myself. He was the stepping stone that made me remember a time when I felt beautiful and happy. Your wife I'm sure will appreciate you stepping back and treating her like there is no other women in the world, be patient she'll make the decision on her own and then be thankful that you were supportive of her.

Emily

[JustinsMama 1]

I posted this on your other exact thread you had on the intro board, but I'll post it here too in case you didn't see it.

Your wife should be the one on here asking these questions (I won't tell you how annoyed I would be if my husband was on the internet trying to find a solution to my weight problem); and secondly (and maybe this has already taken place) you and your wife should be having this conversation, not you with a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I haven't been banded yet but, it is my decision, my body, my problem. It would do me no good for my husband to be the one doing the research, I'm the one reading up on everything and the one coming to the conclusion if this is or isn't what I need or if it will or won't help me.

One last thing, if I got the feeling that my husband was watching my every move with my eating habits and jotting down notes (figuratively speaking of course) about what my downfalls are as far as food, hell that would probably make me eat it all the more out of spite (not a healthy attitude but maybe you can understand what I'm trying to say).

Maybe I interpreted your whole post wrong but you are her husband not her father, she has to want this and be willing to do the research on her own also if she is a big girl and wants this done.

Good luck to you and your wife, whatever the outcome.

I have read your other posts now and see that she is the one who has initiated this interest, so I give you kudos for taking the time to want to learn as much about this as possible, the question is - is she doing the same? Once I decided this is what I wanted to do, I was on the internet every night after my son and husband were asleep researching as much as I could until I figured out how the band works, the risks, possible successes, etc. This still isn't knowing first hand but hopefully by mid-May I will be there. That's the thing about WLS, you can only read so much and then you just have to decide - either I'm doing it or not. Again, I know the struggles of being once fairly athletic (softball, swim team) and then hitting your mid to late 20's having a baby and your body going downhill. I'd do it all over again in a second for my son, but there comes a point when you do decide that you have to take care of yourself too and hopefully your wife has reached that.

Edited April 22, 2008 by DisneyFreak

[jena 0]

You love your wife very much and it shows.

The thing about being overweight is that it is a very personal thing. Even as close as it seems you are with your wife, she's having a struggle inside her that, based on my experience, she hasn't even shared with you.

I was pretty much in the same situation when I was married. My husband was kind and caring and understood the problem because his weight went up and down, but there wasn't anything he could say or do that helped in the long term. He was totally supportive for me, offered to go to the gym with me, walk with me, everything.

It didn't help. He was torn because he was hurt that I was hurting inside, but on the other hand disappointed in me when his attempts to help failed. That didn't make it any easier for me.

So, with all that being said I have some advice for you. :tongue_smilie:

ASK HER how you can help. Quit offering suggestions to her. I know they are coming from your heart, but what she really needs is for the pressure to be off. You can really be the best support by just asking her what she needs.

If she's depressed or crying about her weight, give her a shoulder and a hug. Tell her you love her.

As was mentioned above, if she's not excited about getting the band, then even with it she will not be successful and it will be just one more time she failed.

Hugs to you and your wife,

Jena