I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. It was a wonderful dream... The worst part was when I woke up, and remembered that I am not pregnant, just fat.

I need to do more than want to lose weight.

I need to do more than plan to lose weight.

I need to do more than talk about losing weight.

Bottom line... I need to actually lose weight.

But how do I do that? I mean I know the basic principles... Eat less, exercise more. That's all well and good, but how does someone like ME do that? I apparently have less willpower than the average bear, and a sick emotional relationship with over-eating. I often feel completely hopeless about my situation, and it is at those times I make rationalizations that "one more pizza/donut/cheeseburger/trip to the buffet" won't hurt.

I know it does hurt, but sometimes I hurt so much that I would just rather have a mouthful of calories to concentrate on chewing so that I don't have to think about the sinking ship that is my health, and my body.

I'm going to have my husband take a picture of me now. I always avoid pictures... Hell, there are only two mirrors in my house... and they only show me from the neck up! I need to face what I have become... an obese woman.

Yep... That's me. The truth is not pretty folks. I'm only 25 years old. I'm young. I want to feel young. I want to leave my house and do fun things without the constant fear that someone is going to mock me. I dont want to feel so insecure that I cancel plans with friends because I am afraid to look for pants that fit. I want to be able to get pregnant, and not only that... I want to be a fun and active mother!

I just want to feel like I am living my life... not like I am just sneaking through it trying to avoid embarassment. I guess you could considder this an epiphany...

Staind- whatever you choose to do, you have support and a place to talk with people who feel like you do. Look at all the people who said you took the words right out of their mouths! And please don't feel like your age is a deterrent to the procedure- there are lots of young people here and many others who have said they wished they'd done it sooner. I spent my whole childhood, a good portion of my teens and all of my 20's being overweight (now MO). I want to start my 30's in a healthier place.

Bozz- I could also relate to what you said- on paper a great life and everything you need to be happy. In fact, I don't feel fat on the inside. I'm often surprised when I see myself in the mirror or in pictures because the woman looking back at me doesn't match who I am inside. This weekend, I went with my husband's family to Boston to see his sister. There were 5 of us in the car, and I was never more acutely aware of my size until then. I was literally squished in the back with one butt cheek leaning on the door, one butt cheek that fell asleep, a leg that was twisted and also fell asleep, a seatbelt I couldn't even get on without choking myself, and my arm around my husband. That was a 90 minute trip...then we had to do it again a few hours later! When I think about it now I can laugh, but at the time I was humiliated.

You know, for me it is the same. I too feel like I am 'sneaking' through my life. Putting on the brave face, the smile, the good humor when inside I am SICK, SICK, SICK of being 'the fat wife', 'the fat friend' the FAT Mom! How did this happen? When did 100 pounds sneak onto my body? I know it was not an overnight thing - but I sure feel like it was.

My hubby loves me no matter what - I think that is what makes it soooo hard! I want to be the woman he married - not the woman he loves now. DOes that even make sense? Loosing, gaining, eating, starving, purging, eating more...the cycle is never ending. I have begun the search for my surgeon, I have decided to have this done, I am ready - now I just pray I can get it done and not wait a year to have it done!

Thanks for listening!

WannaBeMe

Congrats on making that decision Wanna. I certainly understand the I want to do it myself mentality. I had it for at least 5 years. I know it works for some people. It just didn't work for me. Oh what I would give to have been banded 5 years ago. It is a far better decision than I even anticipated.

As Luigi said, DOn't let age be a deterant. Age is all the more reason to do it. I am in my early 30's and still consider myself young, and I am getting younger everyday. My dh comments often that he is seeing glimpses of the me that he married. That spunky kid with an attitude that he was so attracted to. I can't tell you how good it feels to see glimpses of her myself.

I tried every diet out there for the past 7 years, enough already...can't take it no more I gained 63 lbs for the last couple of years instead of keeping them off.

I know what you mean - let's see: South Beach (lost 20, gained 45), No 'white foods' (lost 20, gained 50), portion control, Jenny Craig, Weight watchers....oh, and Slim Fast (guess it doesn't work when you add ice cream to it and make shakes!)

I agree....ENOUGH ALREADY! Why is it that the insurance will pay for the surgery, but not for preventitive care?

It is gonna happen this year - for all of us - we have to make it happen!

I agree. We are all completely deserving and capable of making our outside appearance match our inner personality! If my insurance covered lapband I would really be looking into it hard-core, but I have BCBS of FL and they won't cover anything like it. For a while right after I attended a seminar on the procedure last year I was trying to see how I could possibly swing it as a self-pay... but there's just no way...

Wow!!! I see so much of myself in your story. I try not to think about it, but the little everyday reminders are always there. I cant wait for the day when my butt doesn't hit the arms on the chair when I sit down or when the inner thigh part of my jeans isn't the first part to wear out.

Staindgal. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Knowing I am taking all the right steps to be healthy. Not just the young want to feel young. I will soon be 52, but sometimes feel so much older. I want to see my future grandchildren have children. I know when I lose the weight, I will have the strength to take better care of myself. I am going to have my husband take my pictures as well. I need that motivation.

You are wise to take this step now. I have been yo-yo dieting for many years....from the time I was your age. God bless you for your courage and determination. Keep posting...let us know how you are doing.

Hi Staind....when is the last time you checked w/your insurance to see if they cover it. Just from reading posts on this website it seems a lot of the bcbs plans are starting to cover the band. I have CareFirst BCBS which is out of MD/DC and they cover it. I actually work for them and know that it has been a recent change. My plan has covered the gastric bypass for quite a few years. If you have checked lately you may want to try back and see if anything has changed. I wish you luck...

Great thread...i'm young as well...28...newly married (a little over a year). On paper I look like i have a fantastic life: great job, hubby, family, a few great friends, but i'm very overweight (5'5, 292) and i'm "feeling" it. I'm looking forward to not thinking about where I can go out...right now i know the booth sizes of all the local restaurants, etc. I'd like to fly without pain in my thighs.

Ditto in almost every way. I don't think anyone in my life (aside from my hubby) really knows how much I struggle with doubt and self-loathing... I am always the fun, happy-go-lucky, spunky, impulsive friend with the good job and perfect marriage... I should win an academy award, I swear!

Even now... I think I love this site so much because of the relative anonymity... I can post my pictures and bare my soul to all of you because this is safe. My husband encouraged me to post my feelings and pictures on a blog I have linked with family and friends on myspace... and I cannot do it.

It's such a "pride" thing... I graduated college and moved 1500 miles away, and many of my closest friends have not seen me in years! We communicte online, and I avoid visits where they would actually see me... Where they would see the real me, and see what I've done to myself. It's ridiculous... they're my friends, they would support me through anything... but I just can't show the weakness... At least not yet.

It is my ultimate goal to join the two "characters" I play in to ONE genuine woman... I feel that with every day I actively take ownership of my body and my weight is a step in that direction.

So I was just thinking... and I cannot WAIT until I can post a new picture next to my full body shots and call it a "Before and After." How amazing will it be when I can have not only scale evidence.... but also PHOTO evidence of the loss!! Losing weight is so exciting!!

ahem... I just wanted to make an announcement...

I AM DOWN TO 303!!

Is that still morbidly obese? Yep, but it's the lowest I have been in years!!

Hey NikkiD, BCBSFL (my plan at least) still has a strict restriction against WLS. So if you would all cross your fingers for me to win the lottery or something, that would be SPECTACULAR! :thumbup:

Just because many of us here on the forum have decided on the band to help us reach our goals, I do believe it is very possible ( especially for someone young, like you) to acheive their goal without being banded.

When we're young, sometimes living with our parents (who also might be overweight) we don;t learn to cook, shop, prepare meals for ourselves and learn what's healthy food and what healthy portions are.

You're on your own now and this is a great time to try to do this without the band. There is a local woman in my town that lost over 200 pounds on weight watchers AND she has kept it off for many years. It is possible, it's not just possible for all of us.

You are motivated now and keeping in touch with people on this forum with the same goals will be very helpful to you. If you feel at anytime, you need extra help, I would suggest you try a weight watchers meeting. While I wasn;t able to maintain my loses using WW, I did learn many skills, like weighing, measuring etc. that have helped me now with my band.

I applaud your efforts to get healthy and your reasons are valid. You want to live a better life. Good for you!

Just because many of us here on the forum have decided on the band to help us reach our goals, I do believe it is very possible ( especially for someone young, like you) to acheive their goal without being banded.

When we're young, sometimes living with our parents (who also might be overweight) we don;t learn to cook, shop, prepare meals for ourselves and learn what's healthy food and what healthy portions are.

You're on your own now and this is a great time to try to do this without the band. There is a local woman in my town that lost over 200 pounds on weight watchers AND she has kept it off for many years. It is possible, it's not just possible for all of us.

You are motivated now and keeping in touch with people on this forum with the same goals will be very helpful to you. If you feel at anytime, you need extra help, I would suggest you try a weight watchers meeting. While I wasn;t able to maintain my loses using WW, I did learn many skills, like weighing, measuring etc. that have helped me now with my band.

I applaud your efforts to get healthy and your reasons are valid. You want to live a better life. Good for you!

That's really good to hear... because I do feel like I can do this if Ireally work at it. This is a lapband site so I understand the general push towards WLS... but I really think I can do it on my own! I love this site because it is the best support forum I have found - PERIOD.

I don't want to feel like an intruder here because I have not had WLS, I totally respect the choice to do it! I've just never really tried to lose weight on my own... and I owe it to myself to do it!

I'm struggling with willpower, but I am winning the battle most days... I just need a LOT of support! I am keeping a food log and started swimming 5 days a week... I really want this. I really want to just be ME!

I don't think there is one person on this forum that would even suggest WLS is the best answer unless you do feel you have tried everything else first.

We all know the struggle and would support anyone trying to lose weight, unless they were doing it in a unhealthy way, like anorexia or bulimia.

Keep up the good work.