Spanking

[brandyII 9]

newhope4me,

See and it all worked out in the end. It's not an uncommon situation that kids have issues like that due to problems they don't know how to deal with whether it's similar to yours or compounded also with just being a teen and dealing with all the stuff they do on a normal basis.

I was a pretty good kid but by the time I was a teen I was hanging out with the druggy type kids self medicating I suppose. I turned out well and my kids have some issues with depression or anxiety but it's in our genes, not much we can do about that now except seek professional help.

A lot of their friends though did end up coming here not because we were the "cool" house and I was giving them alcohol or cigarettes but because it was a stable kind of a safe house with no screaming and I guess just a somewhat normal life that most of them didn't have.

I'm lucky not everyone has that kind of a home situation but I guess I kind of was intent on my kids not having the kind of life I had growing up with a mother dying too young and being raised by an alcoholic father (who functioned at work) but who was not exactly Mr. Brady at home. So spanking really isn't always the main problem it's what's underneath the spanking or hitting that's the problem. How parents interact with their kids when there are problems and I guess you get it where a lot of people don't.

I used to work as an assistant in a special ed class for kids with special needs, ADD ADHD and sometimes they just had some real emotional problems and tended to act out in a normal classroom environment. They were difficult and we were taught how to deal with them when they acted out but sometimes when their parents would show up it kind of broke your heart because on one hand these kids had problems but then you saw the interaction between the child and the parent and you kind of understood that things may not get better and you worried what happened when they were home together. I'm probably just over sensitive and didn't work there long enough to be jaded but it always made me kind of sad.

I'm glad that things have worked out so much better for you and your son. It's not easy when you're in a situation especially if you need to involve the police that in itself is a real heart breaker because you're basically using tough love but it's killing you at the same time! I haven't dealt with that end of things but have dealt with putting a child in a psych hospital for about a week and that was something I've never thought would hurt so bad!

Anyway good luck to you, you sound like a great parent and should be proud!:smile2: brandyII.

[newhope4me 0]

"It's not easy when you're in a situation especially if you need to involve the police that in itself is a real heart breaker because you're basically using tough love but it's killing you at the same time!"

You don't even know! And I pray no one ever has to know. When the police came to the house, the officer said I had to say, "you are under arrest" basically a citizen's arrest. That was hard! But I held my composure, at least until they drove away, then i lost it.

We too have mental illness in our family. I myself spent 2 months in a psych hospital after attempting suicide (PTSD, from my childhood). We all (except my daughter) have been on medication at one time or another. And I guess that is the main reason I am the type of parent I am. I have always been afraid to turn into what I hate. I used to think that if I spanked out of anger, I would loose it and beat them. Now I know I could never do that, I don't see how anyone can look in the eyes of any child and hit them.

[brandyII 9]

I took my daughter, she was 17 at the time to a new psychiatrist because I knew the medications she was on for her depression and panic attacks weren't helping. The new doctor happened to be at a psych facility thinking that would be a better choice plus they dealt with adolescence and children too.

Anyway she had been cutting and told me so and had felt suicidal. I thought that all I had to do was find a new doctor and after my daughter was honest and told her about her cutting and suicidal thoughts they pretty much forced me to put her in there. I say forced because I felt like they gave me no choice either she was going to kill herself or she go into for treatment.

She really had no treatment but from their point of view they were keeping her from harming herself. She did not feel safe there and felt violated as they did a strip search on her upon entering the facility. This is a girl who also has major body issues and recently had the gastric bypass surgery.

Needless to say, I've dealt with depression issues with myself and other family members but when it came to my own child being put into a facility like that which in some ways is kind of prison like which I'm sure is debatable but still it killed me inside as I can imagine it killed you inside too when your son went away to prison. I was lucky enough where it was close enough where I could go there a couple times a day but I don't think that was a good time of her life! It wasn't for me either and at least I know next time to search out probably a better option, I don't know. :confused2: Sometimes we really do the best we can and have no choice but we still feel every second of it and those seconds last a long time.

It must have been hard for you also having gone through something similar to my daughter and then dealing with your son on top of it. I hope you're feeling better now, it's really hard. I still have many emotional issues when it comes to food and so I'm not the best lap bander in the world and probably never will be. But I'm not going to go off my medication just to speed up my metabolism either, been there, done that.

Good luck to you and I hope you do much better than I have you certainly deserve all the happiness you can grab now, as you've had it pretty hard!! take care Nancy.:smile2:

[newhope4me 0]

Thank you! I am doing much better now. I am remarried now (actually we will Celebrate 5 yrs in Aug), even though he is only 6 yrs older than my oldest son, he accepts my children as his own, and they respect him more than they do thier own father.

I used to be (still have urges, but some how combat them) a cutter, in the past year I learned that my younger son(age 20) is a cutter. He has a great support system where he is and is doing pretty well. He jumped around until he found a counselor that he's comfortable with. So I like to think we are all doing much better now.

[brandyII 9]

I'm happy for your. It's something that a lot of people don't realize that boys have just as many of those issues as girls do these days. My daughter will be 20 next month and is doing a lot better and now that she's had the gastric bypass I'm hoping she'll do well but I still worry and worry about replacing food with alcohol still, in the back of my mind.

Anyway it's good to talk about and actually brought out some of those old tears talking to you about her time in the psych hospital. And now someone just started a thread on adult children of alcoholic parents and now I have another fun one to share in, take care Nancy!

[BJean 16]

brandy I have a hard time with it too. But afterall, we're just people with the human condition of having emotions and physical limitations that make us prone to certain behavior. None of us is perfect.

The best we can to is to stay open to learning and to keep an open mind when something sounds new or different.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

[di1138 8]

Super Nanny any one?? Her methods work. I do believe hitting teaches a child to hit. Dont get me wrong my kids had their butts smacked a few times but that is not spanking. Hitting hard and repetitively is and that is abuse.

[newhope4me 0]

Speaking of spanking...I was trying to get my daughter into this school, had heard great things about it, etc. Then, a co-worker tells me that she heard that they spank. This shocked me, a school that still spanked! The day after I heard this, the school called to tell me that my daughter got in. I asked them if this was true and they confirmed it.

I can't understand how they do this, there are so many issues.

1. Spanking is a parental decision. Even if a parent does choose to spank, usually they are the only ones who they want spanking thier kid, no one else.

I was told if it came to that, the school would call me to ask if i wanted to be present or not. I asked what would happen if I didn't want her spanked, and they said they wouldn't. Which brings me to #2, Fairness. What if my child gets into trouble with her friend, both doing the exact same thing. The school calls me, I say no, the other parent says yes to spanking. So, 2 kids now just got 2 different punishments for the same offense.

#3 Fear. Although some would argue that this may be a good thing, my daughter is already afraid to go to this school. I have told her that i don't even spank her, so there's no way i would let anyone else spank her. But she's afraid for the other students as well. (we have found another school for her)

#4 Legal aspects. I have cared for children (used to have day care in my home so that I could stay home with my babies) in my home. This is a touchy subject. I never spanked any of the kids that I cared for, even if I had consent from thier parents. Suppose some parent does agree to have thier child "spanked" but their idea of spanking is 2 swats, the school's idea of swats is 6 or what if something happens (i.e. the child moves, the child bruises easily, etc) and the child bruises or there are marks on the legs or something, even though the school had permission, I believe the parents would have grounds for charges.

I really couldn't believe this is happening in schools still. In elementary school I was "shown" the paddle (one step under actually being spanked), but that was a different era. Spanking another person's child, no matter what your relationship, is a very sticky situation.

Another co-worker brought up another point. If you are a parent that wants to be present while your child is getting spanked, how awkward would that be?!?

I have never been a parent that went to the school and said "...my child would never..." Because i will be the first to say, if my child had a chance they more than likely would, lol. I have always made them face the consequences of thier actions, but in a non-violent way. A co-worker was trying to convince me that my daughter is "good, she won't do anything." But she's a kid, and will break the rules at some point.

[ousooner 1]

Every school I was in groing up gave swats. Luckily I was well behaved and only got swats once in 4th grade. I think we respected, even if it was fear driven, our school staff back then. Kids these days show little respect for teachers because they know they is little, if any, consequenses for their bad behavior. I sound like grumpy old man, but I truely believe it.

[newhope4me 0]

I think the lack of respect for school staff goes back to the parents. Many parents spend very little time, quality or otherwise, with thier children, they aren't raising the kids. Teachers can't make up for what parents haven't done before the kids entered school.

I don't think that has to do with spanking. One can be strict without spanking.

[ousooner 1]

I think the lack of respect for school staff goes back to the parents. Many parents spend very little time, quality or otherwise, with thier children, they aren't raising the kids. Teachers can't make up for what parents haven't done before the kids entered school.

I don't think that has to do with spanking. One can be strict without spanking.

We can agree to disagrre on that. I think there were just as many parents back then who didn't care, but the thought of having to go to the principles office and the possiblity of getting "licks" scared some of us stright.

[Shalee04 7]

Every school I was in groing up gave swats. Luckily I was well behaved and only got swats once in 4th grade. I think we respected, even if it was fear driven, our school staff back then. Kids these days show little respect for teachers because they know they is little, if any, consequenses for their bad behavior. I sound like grumpy old man, but I truely believe it.

I totally agree with this 100%

[BJean 16]

U agree 100% too! Well said, OUSooner!

[krissyjean 0]

This is the way I look at it... each child, depending on their nature is responds to different types of dicipline. My daughter is well acquainted (at least 3xs a month) with "Mr. Spanky". He works wonders. My step daughter on the other hand when she was younger you would only need to slightly raise your voice to and she would well up with tears and that was the end of it. It is definitely a case by case situation.

[rstroud100 0]

A good spanking never hurt anyone!!! But when a parent disciplines a child they should NEVER lose control!!! Discipline and child abuse are two completely different things.