Going into this surgery I knew there would be head work but am surprised at a change I've decided to make: shedding or discontinuing one-sided relationships with some family members. It's as if as I lose the weight and become healthier I'm looking much closer at what's really going on with all my relationships. As I feel better about myself I will no longer tolerate indifference and lack of caring from others, or continue what I was doing - trying to buy their love with gifts.

I'm the maiden aunt who had been sending Christmas and birthday presents to family kids until they turned 18. In the past I've at least received photos of some of them in return and one niece was good about thanking me. But this past year - nothing except a different niece's wedding announcement via my brother - not even directly from her and no invitation just a bid for a gift, which I sent.

My sister is the only family member who is in frequent contact and clearly cares about me - and the only one who knows about my surgery. No one else has ever inquired how I am doing, if I'm well, or showed any interest in my welfare. I'm sure they're good people - they just don't know me or love me.

So rather than feeling sad that they don't care about me, I'm accepting it for what it is and shedding them from my life as well as the pounds. I'll simply stop sending gifts (and am changing my Will) - they probably won't even notice. It feels great! Is anyone else reevaluating relationships post surgery and deciding to shed those that either are one-sided or bad for you?

Some family members of their own accord actually ditched me, one was tough to take, but the two after that were a smaller blip and I have moved past it all of it. I don't know that you have to actually announce anything, or take steps to sever ties. I still attend some family functions, and am polite. I tried reaching out and since it is never reciprocated I have just stopped contact altogether in any one-on-one manner. It is just a non event. Changing your will is certainly in your control.

Make new relationships, go on some single cruises, or events pertaining to your new or favorite interests, fill your life up.

While I've always held toxic family members at arms length (and still continue to do so), I have let a couple friendships go by the wayside since surgery. Not so much that I "dropped" them, but more like I stopped putting in so much effort to keep the relationship going. ??‍♀️

I had to say good by to my "best" friend a few years after because she kept wanting to run my life and I finally stood up and said no. Of course, I was made out to be the bad guy. If you have to let things go for your emotional, mental and often physical well being, you have to do it.

I think its because generally, the weight loss sort of triggers a confidence thing in you and you begin to realize your worth, which in turn makes you more likely to reject those who don't.

15 minutes ago, ms.sss said:

I think its because generally, the weight loss sort of triggers a confidence thing in you and you begin to realize your worth, which in turn makes you more likely to reject those who don't.

I think the new confidence is somewhat threatening to others who used to see themselves perhaps as superior. Weight shaming is very real - not only to the overweight person, but also in the minds of those who see themselves as better people than fat people. Take away the fat person, and what do they have left?

Awww, this is sad. It's hard to hear that relationships can be ended due to WLS. But I think that rather than the outward appearance of people it is the new-found confidence and the loss of the need for codependency that allows us to shed relationships that weren't healthy in the first place.

Good for you! I lost about 80 lbs. in 2012 on Phentermine and was shocked by how fatphobic and mean a couple of relatives were, basically implying that I had looked like cr*p before I lost it. I've dropped a few of them, and I've also stopped being "the bank" for relatives who only talked to me to let me know when their kids have gift-giving events. There's never a bad day to refuse to be a doormat.

Edited January 24, 20206 yr by JessLess