Support from Family Members

hsbeach · November 21, 2007

Hello Everyone

About a month ago, I finally decided that I was sick of feeling lousy all the time, tired of always being tired, sick of wearing a mask to bed because of sleep apnea, taking shots for my diabetes and taking a large number of pills daily. With my family Dr's help, I have decided to get all the paperwork together for the lap-band procedure. I'm hopeful to have the surgery in January. I will find out the exact date in a few days.

My problem is my Wife. I don't think that she is being very supportive of my decision to have the lap band procedure. Her first response when I asked her to be supportive is "How do you want me to support you?" I really didn't have an answer to this. I also think that she doesn't think that I can lose and keep the weight off. Like most, I've done the dieting thing many, many, many times. Some diets were successful at first in dropping the pounds, but like many, I've gained it back plus.

I was very disappointed by her response. I think that she even felt bad too especially after I told her that I was disappointed and I would find support from someone else. Just for the record, my Wife is an absolutely wonderful person. And for good or bad, she tells the truth even though the truth may not be the answer that you were hoping for.

Maybe its my fault because I had not given her examples of how she can support me.

I have not taken this decision lightly. I would rather NOT have surgery. I wish that the previous diets worked and that I would be healthy again. This is a drastic decision that I have made (to have the surgery). I've started to exercise and eat much better. I'm not perfect, but I'm much better. I've lost about 12 pounds since the 3rd week of October.

I just hope that she will come around and be as supportive as I hope that she would be.

Anyone have any similar situations? How did yu deal with less than 100% support from your family members?

Howard

hijabigirl1973 · November 21, 2007

Hi Howard, I'm sorry your wife isn't supportive of this decision. Maybe it's scaring her, I dunno why she would act like this but my hubby is the same way right now. I'm extremely excited as well as scared but also ashamed that I've gotten as big as I am with my health problems. When I go to talk to hubby about it he just blows me off like it doesn't even matter. I'm too trying to find a way to deal with this as I feel like I really need his support. Sorry I'm not much help but wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

Cota129 · November 21, 2007

Maybe it's not that she doesn't support you, but more she is not sure how a lap-band works, what lifestyle changes will be necessary for you to succeed and if you can follow through long term, risks, etc. My family has been supportive, however, the first question my sister asked me was, "Why do you think this will work when nothing else has?" It was a legitimate question. After years of watching me struggling and getting larger, it is hard for some people to believe that this will work. We don't have to prove anything to anyone, only ourselves. I know this will work. It's just the beginning for me, but I already know this is a life long journey that I have committed to. It won't always be easy, but it will be worth it. I have included my family in meetings, they have watched information films about lapband, and we talk about why I eat differently now and that it's ok. Include your wife in what you do. Let her know how she can support you. Some people don't know what they need to do unless it's given to them specifically. Good luck.

snowbird · November 21, 2007

Some of us are warm and huggy, and some . . . less so. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she really doesn't know what she can do for you. And any change in a marriage partner is scary, especially if the non-changing partner is not secure in her self-image.

So make a list of what she can do to help you. Some of the things I would list are :

Don't sabotage me. Don't go out and buy my treats and my favorite foods and then act like you are doing me a favor or doing it out of love--you're not.

Do some research on the band so you know what is happening to me and why.

Study up on nutrition and, if you are the cook, try to buy and fix good, nutritious food. It will be for both of us, not just me.

Believe me, you will feel better and better about yourself too.

Don't bitch about your not being able to bake Cookies any more because I can't have them. If you absolutely need to have Snacks that I shouldn't have, store them in your car and don't eat them in front of me.

Look at me once in a while and tell me I'm doing well and you are proud of me. I'll try to do the same for you.

And hugs are nice too.

musicalmomma · November 21, 2007

It sounds like your wife and I are quite similar...I think if you let her know just how important this is to you and that you desperately need her support, then tell her HOW to support you (e.g. go to a seminar, research band stats with you, maybe even go to your pre-op appt and ask the surgeon questions that have her concernd, etc..) THEN tell her that you WANT her to feel free to ask you questions, even if you'll find them tough or even shameful to answer (we obese ppl carry a lot of shame). I think once you appeal to her senibilities and let her know that she is the most important person to you and that you want to be the best husband you can be and part of that is getting healthy...I believe she'll get on board...even if it takes a little time for her to mull it over

Best wishes and keep us posted!! :car:

legster · November 21, 2007

So wisely spoken, Snowbird. Excellent advice!

4jin · November 21, 2007

hs beach,

Maybe her reaction was biased based on the sucess rates of all the previous dieting experiences. I would explain to her the risks..the advantages and the disadvantages...what changes you have to make...and involve her in the whole process.... that way she can be the kind of support we all need...the emotional, the physical for exercise motivation and the everyday hey...that outfit looks good type of support.

Once she see's all that is involved and that it is NOT the easy way out... I am sure she will be by your side 110%....and who knows it might even help her begin to make better choices for the whole family...

TulipStar · November 21, 2007

My hubby was so AGAINST me getting the lapband. When I first wanted to go to a seminar about it, I asked him to go with me. He asked "for what?!" I said that I needed his support and he asked me "like how". I told him that just him being there with me was support enough. He really didn't want to go...he is against all wls. However, he went with me and he was "sold". He thought it was a good idea from then on.

It is hard to verbally say the kind of support you need. YOu just need that person to support you by listening and being there when you need them. I said the same thing to other members of my family.

hollyberries · November 21, 2007

I think that the quiet support is what you are talking about. The one that says, I am with you even if you failed before. I am with you if this is what you want to do. I am with you no matter what.

I had a reverse situation, I was very apprehensive to mention to my husband that I wanted to have the Lapband and one night I got up the nerves to tell him and he was very supportive. He did say that he could not support me if I chose to have Gastric Bypass because he felt it was to risky. I had never given Gastric Bypass a thought.

Give her sometime and she will come around and for now if you need support stick on this board and you will get it. Best wishes in your endeavours.

Cindy

mss · November 22, 2007

I agree with some of the previous posters that have suggested that you work on clarifying what 'support' means for you. Your wife may be finding it hard to give you something if you are not clear on what it is that you want - if that makes sense. If you have not identified what support means to you it may be difficult to recognise when you are receiving it.

Maybe you could start by writing a list of ways that you could ask for support from others and also the type of support that you would like. Set it up in the same way that you would develop goals for yourself - achievable, realistic, able to be measured - eg yes it is there, no it isn't and time frames ... in fact (thinking about this as I write) you could link the support in to your goals so that your wife knows what your particular goals are and can assist you to achieve them eg. don't buy ice cream, remind me to chew more or slow down when eating.

kvp · November 23, 2007

My husband was competely against wls (very big deal since I will be a self pay). He has now said I can have it for Christmas. But subsequently he has called me fat lazy piece of poop and other similar names. Breaks my heart to the core. I have no misconceptions that loosing weight will make things better. I think he is threatened bythe wls. I have been thin before and nothing was different. I guess I am saying I whole heartedly want his support. I am not going to get it, he will be passive aggressive and make me feel guilty for needing the surgery. Heck I feel guilty for needing the surgery. The one thing you hear is you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. I am afraid this will break our marriage. So moral of the story is, if her support is less than desired maybe she just needs time.