I'm 1 year 2 months post op and have lost 115lbs which is awesome. I have more energy and can do more things with my daughter, I'm in clothing sizes I have never worn! I should be the happiest I've ever been, but I have a mindset I feel is holding me back. This may seem ungrateful, but I'm ANGRY I'm treated differently now that I've lost weight. It's like I was invisible (or worse- gross) when I weighed 286 but now people notice me just because of what I look like and it PISSES ME OFF.I was all the things that make me ME before I lost weight and now it's like a revelation that I'm worthwhile somehow. All of this positive feedback would have been awesome when my self-esteem was in the toilet from being depressed and overweight.

-My husband wants to tell me I look cute and wants to have more sex - and my 1st thought is why didn't you do this before?

-People who wouldn't give me the time of day at work tell me my ideas are great - and I think, they were good before, why didn't you speak up then?

-My family tells me nice things about myself and my clothes - I cant stop thinking about how I could have used this support BEFORE.

Has this happened to anyone else? What do I do to move past this? Should I see a therapist? I don't want to be ungrateful...

4 minutes ago, summerset said:

People have memory better than an elephant's one when it comes to how heavy you were before, ROTFL.

I know like

Side rant: What's really triggering the big b***h in me is how desirable weight loss is in our society, even if you're already at a normal weight.

I recently had some flashbacks to the time of "the big weight loss" (thankfully nobody at my new work place knew me then so they assume I always looked like I look now) when I lost some weight because I felt really crappy for some time. People a bit more closer to me (e. g. co-workers in the department) knew about the situation, so when they commented at all they always said something like: "You've lost weight, you really do feel awful, don't you?"

I had no problems dealing with this, however, when it came across as a compliment I always had that itch to hurl a "I feel like crap and you're complimenting me on my weight loss?! STFU, you ???!!" at them.

So I guess my beef tofu here is that people never seem to even think about that someone might be losing weight because of feeling bad or being sick and that a compliment is so damn royally out of place...

Oh, and I leant that "you look pale" seems to be just another way of saying "you've lost weight". Weirdest thing.

Edited June 9, 20197 yr by summerset

And then there is the person who is certain I am dying of cancer. I tried to set her straight that it was a good loss due to Bariatric Surgery only to be told "THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS ADMIT YOU ARE ON CHEMOTHERAPHY!". So I'm sure she's out there , lips a-flapping, telling all our acquaintances " Isn't it a shame about poor Frustr8 dying?"
Well whatever-- I know my surgery was done for life and the chance to live it more abundantly!
I pray I am given many,more years to l8ve and prove Her Wrong! And her discrediting? Oh that will be an extra added blessing!!!!!!

14 minutes ago, summerset said:

Side rant: What's really triggering the big b***h in me is how desirable weight loss is in our society, even if you're already at a normal weight.

I recently had some flashbacks to the time of "the big weight loss" (thankfully nobody at my new work place knew me then so they assume I always looked like I look now) when I lost some weight because I felt really crappy for some time. People a bit more closer to me (e. g. co-workers in the department) knew about the situation, so when they commented at all they always said something like: "You've lost weight, you really do feel awful, don't you?"

I had no problems dealing with this, however, when it came across as a compliment I always had that itch to hurl a "I feel like crap and you're complimenting me on my weight loss?! STFU, you ???!!" at them.

So I guess my beef tofu here is that people never seem to even think about that someone might be losing weight because of feeling bad or being sick and that a compliment is so damn royally out of place...

Oh, and I leant that "you look pale" seems to be just another way of saying "you've lost weight". Weirdest thing.

Alternatively here (maybe its just a NY thing) if you lose weight too quickly without an explanation people think terminal illness , bad relationship or drug use

Worse yet they aren't afraid to ask you, tell others. Why do *they* care so much?

I was a very over weight female for more than35 years. However, I always made sure my hair was fixed and I dressed nicely. Wouldn’t see me tacky out side of my house!
And almost everyone I know understands that I had weight loss surgery. And I love hearing people say I’m looking good. Even though my looks is not the reason for the surgery, I have to admit it does me good to hear the compliments.
Obviously it is just me! But that’s ok. I’m loving the new me, and can’t wait to lose the rest.

34 minutes ago, summerset said:

Side rant: What's really triggering the big b***h in me is how desirable weight loss is in our society, even if you're already at a normal weight.

I recently had some flashbacks to the time of "the big weight loss" (thankfully nobody at my new work place knew me then so they assume I always looked like I look now) when I lost some weight because I felt really crappy for some time. People a bit more closer to me (e. g. co-workers in the department) knew about the situation, so when they commented at all they always said something like: "You've lost weight, you really do feel awful, don't you?"

I had no problems dealing with this, however, when it came across as a compliment I always had that itch to hurl a "I feel like crap and you're complimenting me on my weight loss?! STFU, you ???!!" at them.

So I guess my beef tofu here is that people never seem to even think about that someone might be losing weight because of feeling bad or being sick and that a compliment is so damn royally out of place...

Oh, and I leant that "you look pale" seems to be just another way of saying "you've lost weight". Weirdest thing.

Im so sorry you were having a tough time, hoping things have smoothed out a little! A friend of mine said this and I think about it every day:

It costs ZERO dollars to mind your own damn business.

Why people can't just say "hey, are you feeling ok?" and then STFU and listen if you want to talk or respect the fact that you dont want to talk is beyond me.

Lol, I've found that "you look pale" also means "why aren't you wearing makeup, bridge troll?"

18 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

Alternatively here (maybe its just a NY thing) if you lose weight too quickly without an explanation people think terminal illness , bad relationship or drug use

Worse yet they aren't afraid to ask you, tell others. Why do *they* care so much?

Not just a NY thing, I'm in Cali and people thought I had some weird disease. They couldn't handle me talking about why the weight was coming off. "But what are you DOING????"

22 minutes ago, Frustr8 said:

And then there is the person who is certain I am dying of cancer. I tried to set her straight that it was a good loss due to Bariatric Surgery only to be told "THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS ADMIT YOU ARE ON CHEMOTHERAPHY!". So I'm sure she's out there , lips a-flapping, telling all our acquaintances " Isn't it a shame about poor Frustr8 dying?"
Well whatever-- I know my surgery was done for life and the chance to live it more abundantly!
I pray I am given many,more years to l8ve and prove Her Wrong! And her discrediting? Oh that will be an extra added blessing!!!!!!

Is this person literally INSANE?! Who says that?!!?

Edited June 9, 20197 yr by Jonsie27
Spelling

On 6/7/2019 at 9:29 PM, Jonsie27 said:

Should I see a therapist?

Yes

9 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

Alternatively here (maybe its just a NY thing) if you lose weight too quickly without an explanation people think terminal illness , bad relationship or drug use

Worse yet they aren't afraid to ask you, tell others. Why do *they* care so much?

Nope, not just you. One of the reasons I’ve been pretty open at work and whatnot about what I had done is that they knew I was going on medical leave for a bit, then I was going to come back and lose weight quickly? They’d either assume I had WLS or they’d think I had some terminal disease. When I said surgery my student workers got all freaked out and assumed there was something majorly wrong. So instead we had the conversation about WLS and obesity while trying to make sure that everything stays body positive. It was way better than having everyone fuss over me because they think I’m dying.

20 hours ago, allwet said:

Yes

Definitely planning on it. Trying to find one that specializes in WLS issues.

Edited June 10, 20197 yr by Jonsie27
Spelling

On 6/7/2019 at 11:29 PM, Jonsie27 said:

I'm ANGRY I'm treated differently now that I've lost weight. It's like I was invisible (or worse- gross) when I weighed 286 but now people notice me just because of what I look like and it PISSES ME OFF.

I'm wondering if you're angry at yourself?

As far as your husband, I'm guessing things weren't perfect "before either." If he ignored your weight loss and didn't respond to it at all, would you be upset that he wasn't being supportive? Would you feel like he was being dismissive of all the hard work that went into a massive physical transformation? Wonder if he wouldn't have preferred you stay fat so things could remain status quo and he wouldn't need to adapt to the new you? It's kind of a no win for him. Or maybe he's just a huge jerk, I don't know him.

1 hour ago, JanJan19 said:

I'm wondering if you're angry at yourself?

As far as your husband, I'm guessing things weren't perfect "before either." If he ignored your weight loss and didn't respond to it at all, would you be upset that he wasn't being supportive? Would you feel like he was being dismissive of all the hard work that went into a massive physical transformation? Wonder if he wouldn't have preferred you stay fat so things could remain status quo and he wouldn't need to adapt to the new you? It's kind of a no win for him. Or maybe he's just a huge jerk, I don't know him.

No offense, but I don't feel l angry with myself. Should I? Hmm, dont get it.

Aw, hubby is a good dude. But going from his interest in sex pre-op (the level of which was fine with me) to his increased interest now feels like it's just based on my weight. That's not what I thought our relationship was based on, and I've got some hurt feelings about it.

And I've talked about this a little bit above, but honestly, YES I would prefer he, and everyone else, didn't discuss my weight loss. Pre op and post op he asked how he could best support me (like I said, good dude) and I asked to not talk about it unless I bring it up - which is almost never and that's what we've done. That being said, thats what's supportive to ME. Other people may find support in validation from others, it's just not where I get mine.

Am I being fair to him? Probably not! That's one of the reasons I made the post. I plan on heading for some therapy, but I'm also not planning on compromising on some of this. "That's just the way society works" and "you should be happy" are not good enough.

Edited June 10, 20197 yr by Jonsie27
Forgot to answer a question

Looks matter. That fact is lousy. Spent half my life obese and come to learn my fellow humans thought much worse of large people than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes it makes me angry and sad. Try to move the world in the more compassionate direction. Remember be kind to yourself too. If you stay mad to long you will miss some of the beauty It costs nothing to mind your own business and costs nothing to be kind.

2 hours ago, Jonsie27 said:

I'm also not planning on compromising on some of this. "That's just the way society works" ..... are not good enough.

But the thing is ... that is how society is. You're not going to change society. IMO, you should strive to accept it. You don't have to like it, or even be ok wth it, but is is futile to be angry about something you cannot affect.