I'm 1 year 2 months post op and have lost 115lbs which is awesome. I have more energy and can do more things with my daughter, I'm in clothing sizes I have never worn! I should be the happiest I've ever been, but I have a mindset I feel is holding me back. This may seem ungrateful, but I'm ANGRY I'm treated differently now that I've lost weight. It's like I was invisible (or worse- gross) when I weighed 286 but now people notice me just because of what I look like and it PISSES ME OFF.I was all the things that make me ME before I lost weight and now it's like a revelation that I'm worthwhile somehow. All of this positive feedback would have been awesome when my self-esteem was in the toilet from being depressed and overweight.

-My husband wants to tell me I look cute and wants to have more sex - and my 1st thought is why didn't you do this before?

-People who wouldn't give me the time of day at work tell me my ideas are great - and I think, they were good before, why didn't you speak up then?

-My family tells me nice things about myself and my clothes - I cant stop thinking about how I could have used this support BEFORE.

Has this happened to anyone else? What do I do to move past this? Should I see a therapist? I don't want to be ungrateful...

Since women face a lot of societal pressure not to get angry, I wanted to add, when people treat you badly, it's totally OK to get angry. If you want to stop being angry, then yes, therapy, realizing you can only control how you react, etc... but being angry and female is not, in itself, bad.

Right here [emoji6]

@greentealael awesome! [emoji48]

2 hours ago, JessLess said:

Since women face a lot of societal pressure not to get angry, I wanted to add, when people treat you badly, it's totally OK to get angry. If you want to stop being angry, then yes, therapy, realizing you can only control how you react, etc... but being angry and female is not, in itself, bad.

This is so true, I've struggled with this...I think therapy may be the way to go just so I don't poison my own well, but I do think I need to sit with the feeling and feel it too! When ive tried talking about it to people, sometimes i get the "you should be happy now" speech. Dude! I get to have grumpy feelings too!

5 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

Right here ?

This is magnificent!!

6 hours ago, djgirl19 said:

I lost a lot of weight earlier in life and went through these same feelings. I was so hurt at how I was treated differently by people who I always cared about. They seemed to like me more when there was “less to like.” I got attention from men that I wasn’t used to getting. People talked to me that had never given me the time of day and I was bitter. What crutch did I want to turn to when I went through those emotions? food, of course. It was really a frustrating paradox.

Seriously! When this happens I just want to eat the stuff that got me to surgery in the 1st place, which defeats the purpose. I just want to shout at them, "I didn't do this for YOU!" But if I say anything to people about the new way they're treating me, they act like I should be flattered that they're treating me better.... Grrrr.

-

On 6/8/2019 at 12:22 AM, elcee said:

There are of course 2 sides to this.

I am sure that if you had put in all this effort and lost all this weight and people didn’t comment or tell you how great you look you would be more teed off. I know it frustrates me when no one says anything.

Also whilst some people are attracted to obese people the majority of people aren’t. So whilst who you are hasn’t changed the way you look is probably a lot more pleasing now. Ask yourself if you thought you looked great when you were carrying all that excess weight, I know personally I think I look

I know I'm probably in the minority on this one: I would actually PREFER if no one said anything about my weight loss.

I felt like that before the surgery and still feel like that now. The fact that my body is up for public commentary is GROSS to me.

I didn't look my best before the surgery, and I love fitting into new clothes and having more energy now. But I certainly didn't feel like I looked awful before. I also feel like hating what I looked like before is a trap that makes me less compassionate to myself and others who are overweight.

That being said, different strokes for different folks, right? Thats just me.

On 6/8/2019 at 12:26 AM, AngieBear said:

Yep, it’s happening to me as well. I’m no longer as invisible. It’s not that I’m happier or holding myself more confidently, I was prior to weight loss.

It’s a thing, and it sucks. Don’t let it mess around in your head too much. People are weird. And no, it’s not right that we are suddenly treated nicer due to our appearance. Everyone has value, and should be treated as such.

Im starting therapy next week, and this will be one of the things we discuss, for sure.

Good job on heading to the therapist! Maybe you can share some of your therapy insights if you think theyre helpful?

On 6/8/2019 at 4:49 AM, summerset said:

I think the really frustrating thing is (at least for me it was) that "being attracted to someone" and "being nice to someone" are two entirely different things and while I absolutely understand that someone isn't physically/sexually attracted to very overweight people I have no clue why being fat seems to affect how people in general react to you.

I thought I looked awful when I was heavier and I don't think of very overweight people as "attractive" (sue me). However, that doesn't prevent me from being nice to heavier people. Being nice or polite or showing decent behavior or whatever one might call it is just a matter of common courtesy for me and not of weight.

I have quite a few overweight colleagues in different departments of the hospital and I don't think of them as "lesser" or something like that and I don't know why anyone could even have the idea that their work or their ideas or whatever could somehow be less worth or less good than that of slimmer colleagues just because they're fat and I also don't have the impression that other thin colleagues might be having these thoughts.

However, maybe it's different in other professions. In the medical field there are boatloads of overweight/fat people working as it seems to me.

You're absolutely right about this, these are two separate things! I work in healthcare too (I think we care for others at the expense of ourselves sometimes) and we do have a lot of overweight people in our field. Although where I work the difference in the way people are treated is pretty real.... Maybe I should change jobs lol.

5 minutes ago, Jonsie27 said:

I know I'm probably in the minority on this one: I would actually PREFER if no one said anything about my weight loss.

Nah, you're not. Me neither. I always hated it.

On 6/8/2019 at 4:51 AM, JessLess said:

I relate to this so much. I am a Health at Every Size activist. I lost 80 lbs. on Phentermine about six years ago. All of a sudden I had a cousin I barely know writing to me about how happy she was about it because my health must have been so bad before and I had no weight-related health issues then. I was invited to family events that I hadn't been previously. People acted like it was, by far, my biggest accomplishment, nevermind that I have a law degree, etc. I told people what I thought of their bad behavior at the time.

For me, compliments are great, but when it suggests there was something seriously wrong with me before, it crosses into offensive behavior.

Agreed, and I'm sorry, but your cousin sucks.

8 minutes ago, summerset said:

Nah, you're not. Me neither. I always hated it.

Yay! Like, can we all move past this please? People have told me how great it must be to have all this attention... I'M AN INTROVERT! I've been one my whole life and haven't changed. All this commentary and questioning makes me want to take a nap, ugh. Lol.

4 minutes ago, Jonsie27 said:

Although where I work the difference in the way people are treated is pretty real.... Maybe I should change jobs lol.

I might add that these are only my impressions of course. I can't look into other people's heads of course. Maybe some of my colleagues actually have these thoughts that their fat fellows are somehow "lesser". Or maybe patients feel like the fat nurses/doctors are not as competent?

On the other hand I sometimes have the impression that patients are feeling a bit less uncomfortable when the assistant and/or doctor is a bit overweight him-/herself, especially when the patient is being half-nekkid .

27 minutes ago, Jonsie27 said:

I know I'm probably in the minority on this one: I would actually PREFER if no one said anything about my weight loss.

20 minutes ago, summerset said:

Nah, you're not. Me neither. I always hated it.

I'm the opposite. I find it more awkward when people don't say anything.

I'm nearly unrecognizable, even to myself! I've made a huge physical transformation. Not mentioning anything feels like there is an elephant in the room. I'll take a "You look great" any day over awkwardness.

Now of course making a HUGE deal over it, or asking tons of questions, crosses over to awkwardness in the other direction ?

21 minutes ago, Jonsie27 said:

Yay! Like, can we all move past this please?

People have memory better than an elephant's one when it comes to how heavy you were before, ROTFL.