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Okay everyone, PLEASE WEIGH IN!

Recently I have started talking to a man I REALLY, REALLY LIKE! Our timing has always been off. Now, for the first time in over a decade we are both single!

He doesn't even know that I got fat. I never posted fat pics of me on my social media.... so nobody knows. I haven't sent him any recent pics and I feel awful about it. I feel like a big fat liar! No pun intended 🤣We live on opposite sides of the country. Im going to be moving back to my hometown this Spring. Should I tell him I got fat and then have had the surgery? I have always cared for him. We have even discussed marriage... we aren't getting any younger.

PLEASE HELP! I need some perspective

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Don't tell until you see him face to face for awhile. Seriously...and don't give "it" away, on the first meeting. ;) Make him wait and work for it honey! Then once you're sure of his "need to know" status, you can tell him. You will know when you meet him in person...if he turns out to be a schmuck, why waste your angst?

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Awww! ((hugs)) So you gotta go with your gut, but danged if I wouldn't get to know him face to face for a few times before revealing everything...Build up a track record.

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I feel honesty is the best policy. If he really likes and cares for you, he shouldn't care about your weight and be supportive that you took a route to take care of your self. Like @FluffyChix said, go with your gut and do what you think you should do.

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I agree with Fluffy. I wouldn't tell him until after you see him in person, and if you feel it is right. A lot of people struggle with telling people in general.

I just don't want you to feel like you owe him this information. This is your body. Your weight will be a thing of the past soon enough.

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Personally, if a guy would write me off because I was a little heavy....I wouldn't give him the time of day. I've got no time for shallow asshats. Beauty fades, people get old, if you're not primarily attracted to the heart and mind...the whole relationship has a superficial ick factor that, frankly....feels empty and sort of gross to me. I want more. I deserve more. (And thank God I got more...25 years with a guy who begged for sex nightly when I was 270 and thought I was the sexiest thing on the planet cause he's in love with my smarts and creativity and heart)

Someday, when we're 75 and wrinkled prune people with fat little tummies and scrawny limbs...I know he's still gonna find me hot and be endlessly amused by my company. That matters. That's love.

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1 minute ago, Creekimp13 said:

Personally, if a guy would write me off because I was a little heavy....I wouldn't give him the time of day. I've got no time for shallow asshats. Beauty fades, people get old, if you're not primarily attracted to the heart and mind...the whole relationship has a superficial ick factor that, frankly....feels empty and sort of gross to me. I want more. I deserve more. (And thank God I got more...25 years with a guy who begged for sex nightly when I was 270 and thought I was the sexiest thing on the planet cause he's in love with my smarts and creativity and heart)

Someday, when we're 75 and wrinkled prune people with fat little tummies and scrawny limbs...I know he's still gonna find me hot and be endlessly amused by my company. That matters. That's love.

I think I :780_sparkling_heart: your hubs! He's a lucky dude honey!!!

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I'm the lucky one. My hubster is the cat's pajamas on crack. The man has the patience of God...lol. Wouldn't trade him in for an international super model movie star. He's the peas to my carrots. And he makes me laugh.

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I have that husband, too. He met me when I was around 275-ish and 40, and chased my tail every day since. I made it up to 323 and he never acted like I was anything less that a freaking supermodel. He's never said anything about my weight except "I think you're perfect the way you are, but if YOU want to lose weight, I'll help you in any way that I can." And he does. When I went on my pre-band diet for a week, he went on it with me - because "it's hard to do alone". He's still on a very low-carb diet with me now, because he wants to support me and go through what I'm going through. And because he feels that he could stand to lose weight anyway - why not try to keep up with my wife? Lol.

I would tell a man I was dating eventually - but no, not right off the bat. I'd tell him because in a real relationship, you want to know everything about each other - and this is a big part of your life and what you've gone through. If he really likes you, he'll be like, "Oh,... cool. Good for you!" It's amazing to me how little men care about how you go to be who you are today. If they like you now, they're thankful for anything that got you to be this person. They couldn't care less about what you do for a job, or why you have that scar there. If they like you, they like you.

I hope that you can see yourself as someone who attacked a problem when you didn't like something about yourself. You didn't just get surgery to fix it; you got surgery and then did the necessary work to take the weight off. The food you're eating now is different in quantity and type than what you were eating before - YOU did the work. You were willing to do the work so much so that you took drastic measures to make sure the issue was solved. And as a result of your tenacity and hard work, you're healthier and likely more beautiful (inside and out). You are to be applauded, and I bet he'll agree. If he doesn't, then he's not the right man for you.

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If you really like him, I think you need to be honest. Deception destroys relationships.

When I meet a man via a dating site and all of his pictures he has hair, but there’s a nearly bald guy sitting in the coffee shop, I feel betrayed. The hair doesn’t matter. The deception does. And since he damaged trust, I don’t go out with him again. (Sometimes these guys look hotter without the hair. Doesn’t matter.)


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For me, who has a tendency to overshare, it would depend upon when I thought I might see him, how frequently we are in contact, and those kinds of things. If it's a guy I was in contact with a lot I would end up telling him, because all I be focused on during hospital and recovery is this one very big thing.

I date rather a lot and maintain a good handful of those guys as friends. During this pre-op process I have made some choices along the way about telling guys I might date or ones that I have previously dated. (Lawd that all sounds whoer-ish but I'm not!) Reactions have ranged from being really supportive that I'm doing something for me, worried that the girls deflate, and largely uninterested. There has not been a single iota of judgment. I know it's not the same situation that you're in. But I think my point is that you just have to trust. If you think you have a future with this guy, is major surgery something you want to hide or something you want his support on?

Whatever you decide, do the best thing for you and you'll be fine. Best of luck!

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Yes, but wait until you are in person. In the meantime you can analyze his attitude toward healthy lifestyles, his attitudes in general, what he does for fun, how respectful he is to anyone, and how he handles money. I have seen some great guys become not so great because they had huge hidden issues - gorgeous gambler, charming drunk, outgoing narcissist, sexy in bed asshat, etc. And even though all of us like to think we are above 'hot physical attraction', let's be honest that is part of it too, that is not the foundation of course.

Good luck and invite us to the wedding!

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Definitely tell him. If he really cares about you and i'm sure he does, then he wont judge and he'll be supportive of the fact that you're doing something about it. And it probably won't be an issue.

But sending old pics is sort of like cat fish...and if and when he found out he could be pissed, i know i would be if someone did that to me. Because there's no reason to hide it.


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