::Deep breath:: Hello? ::tap tap:: Anyone here?

How are you? I am fine-ish. I mean, I feel fine and I look fine but something is still holding my happiness back.

Actually, if I am being honest, I am not fine. I am scared, anxious, worried, afraid, concerned, freaked out but dedicated to doing this surgery.

I am scared because both of my parents have had gastric bypass surgery and have had life long effects that are most likely attributed to the surgery (vomiting, dehydration, shitting themselves to death, constipation, vitamin deficiency, neuropathy). I am anxious because I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and, though treated and kept in check, my anxiety knob still gets turned to 11 when I am faced with a huge changes. I am afraid of permanently ruining my body and life through this surgery in an attempt to lose 60 pounds (the same 60 pounds I have lost and gained many, many times). I am concerned about not being able to live with the changes because I am "addicted" to fast food (not really, but I do enjoy eating all things fried and fatty, possibly more than the next person). I am freaked out because this will be the biggest change (besides having my amazingly perfect son) in my life.

But, I am dedicated to this surgery because of so many reasons. Some of these reasons may seem petty and unimportant but - to me - they all encompass my WHY!! Oh, so cliche, but important to remember. Perhaps I should be playing some kind of slow, emotional music as I write this to make it even more dramatically sad and moving. Please think of your favorite emotion driven sound track during the below paragraph. Ready? Ok...I can wait while you think of one...

Ok, here goes my WHY list: live for as long as I can with my son and husband, get fully healthy, look fantastic in photos from nearly every angle, stop back/side cramps whenever I stretch, remove bra extender for good, wear my wedding ring again, wear my wedding dress (size 4), wipe my butt without straining, wear high heels again, no more double chin, look sexy and beautiful, have sex again, stop taking pills (metformin, thyroid med), wear a bathing suit, look younger or at least my age (33), 'fit in' with the MILFs, wear yoga pants and not feel stupid, wear clothes that are stylish, have my outside match my inside. <end emotional music here>

But who am I? Who is AHappierMe - that is the burning question, right? (ok, just pretend it is a burning question and not a UTI):

Real Name: Amber

Sex: Female

Age: 33

Turn Ons: extra money, exotic vacations, Italian accents <--Ooops, sorry, that went to an awkward place.

Medical Issues: Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss (6 miscarriages), PCOS, Hypothyroidism, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (most likely caused or influenced by the repeated pregnancy losses).

Weight Loss Attempts: Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Low Carb / No Cab, South Beach Diet, Cabbage Diet, Fasting, Low/No/Negative Calorie, juice fast, Slim Quick, Sim Fast, Protein Shakes, measuring food constantly, trying to trick myself into think I could be anorexic (no kidding - it worked for about 4 days then I realized that I couldn't give myself an eating disorder and binged like there was no tomorrow), intermittent fasting, fad diets and diet pills.

Highest Weight: 200 (after having son)

Lowest Adult Weight: 122 (aged 22, when I got married)

Current Weight: 180

Goal Weight: 120

Height: Too Damn short for my weight! ::Audience goes WILD:: Ok, it is 4'll.

Lastly, my husband is currently in the process of getting the bypass done too and should have surgery in late August. I am INSANELY excited for him. He is 6'0, 350 pounds and is very much ready for this change. My consultation appointment is August 18 but I have already passed the requirement of getting the surgery. I wish time would move faster but I must wait 3 months after my husband's surgery to have mine. In the meantime, I will be updating at least daily on this same topic. I will be updating about my husband's progress and my progress through this journey.

Here is a quote to wrap up this post: "Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end" - Robin Sharma (don't worry, I didn't know him either. Apparently he is a Canadian motivational speaker)

Toodles!!

1 hour ago, Berry78 said:

GERD IS an illness.

I never said it wasn't. You mentioned that you felt bypass was for people who had alot of illness if I understood your post. I just specified that I didn't have all the illnesses that most have. I don't know you but you seem so hell bent on trying to check people are put people in their places when it's not called for. My post was encouraging to everyone not for anyone to try to find something to try and make a person feel bad about it. You made a lot of comments and I'm making mind. As I said i am not knocking either and we all share a common goal which is to be smaller. I hope your journey is going well and have a Awesome week.

I really need to focus on managing expectations of my post-surgery life.

Last night, as I was trying to finally drift off to sleep, I was thinking about the comments on this post and I was feeling thankful for hearing positive words and encouragement. However - then my mind went off the deep end!! All of a sudden, I was feeling super excited about my life post-surgery. In my day dream (if you can call it that at 12AM), I had become skinny, sexy and stylish. And - without credible reason - my weight loss had even lead to better eyesight (I have worn glasses since 25 years old)!! AND, the weight loss somehow added several zeros to my bank account because I imagined my husband and I frolicking on some private beach and other exotic locals. AND, I became a fashion maven - rocking outfits that only really attractive people can pull off. For a moment, I got caught up in all the wonderful things that were going to happen once I was a size 2 - but those things are not reality.

Yes, I will feel more sexy and happy when I am not so fat. Yes, I am really excited for my husband to be fitter (and the benefits that come along with that...). Yes, I am thrilled to live a more illness-free life and spend a longer time with the ones I love. Yes, I am worried but dedicated to this surgery.

But, I am keenly aware that losing weight will not change my whole entire life. I am not going to become some fashion model, jet setting across the world. I will still be Amber - full time mom, full time wife, full time worker at a University. But...just maybe, I can go into stores and feel confident and look good wearing tailored, stylish clothes. And, just maybe, this new found confidence and added happiness will contribute to an even better life. No - I don't expect to be all the things I fantasize about -- but a girl can dream, right??

Toodles!

Today is my husband's last appointment with the dietician, ahead of receiving his surgery date. Last night we diligently read aloud the entire 45 page booklet that describes and process, diet steps, directions and no-no's for life post-surgery. As part of his appointment today, he needs to bring his vitamins and protein shakes for approval. Last night we headed to Costco to pick them up ($80 for everything). As I read the lengthy directions and detailed notes of the proper mg for each vitamin and mineral, I could feel the blood pulsing in my head and a distinct feeling of lightheartedness -- just from reading about the first seven weeks! I kept asking my husband if he was sure he wanted to do this (which was mostly what I was asking myself in my own head) and he was stoic. I told him he could change his mind and I wouldn't care but he said he wanted to push ahead. I asked him, point blank, if he was scared and he said no. I told him that he must be lying - there is no way someone can go through this surgery and not be scared. But he said that he was ready for the change. Well, maybe I am not.

I am worried for my husband. He has never taken a daily pill in his entire life - let alone the 6+ he will take in specific ways for life. One time I tried to get him to take vitamins (years ago) and that lasted barely a week. He says he knows he has to be dedicated to take all vitamins but I am concerned that he will stop caring overtime. He is a typical man - always trying to find an easier and more efficient manner of doing this and I fear that means he will cut corners. He indicated that the 45 page manual seemed a bit harsh and repetitive. My husband is very, very smart but doesn't always make the right choices long term. I am worried for him!!

I am also worried that this dietician appointment won't go as smoothly as 'rose colored glasses' husband thinks. He seems to think that he will be fine but I am concerned that he hasn't done enough to be cleared for the surgery. I guess that all extends from 1) my anxiety 2) lack of confidence in him to do the right things 3) this process shouldn't be THAT easy.

Part of me is also anxious about this appointment because I know it will be gatekeeper to my own surgery. I cannot move forward without knowing this timeline (due to the 3 moths requirement in between). Yes, I am scared and unsure and afraid and anxious - but even more than that - I want them over with! I am so done being 'in my head' about the surgeries (even though I have months ahead of me to worry). I.just.want.this.surgery.process.done so we can move forward eating right, being healthy and becoming fit.

I will update after his appointment.

Edited July 28, 20179 yr by AHappierMe

Update to my husband's dietitian appointment. He called me immediately, since he knew I was stressing it, and everything is moving forward appropriately. His final blood work is on Monday and, when the results are in, they will give him his surgery date. We are hoping to know the actual date some time next Thursday or Friday and he is targeting late August for the surgery.

I wish we had done the blood work earlier and knew the date NOW. I am so, so, so impatient to move forward super quickly. I know my husband was hoping I would be at least temporarily relieved by the dietitian appointment but, of course, I am not. My mind just moves on to more worries down the line. I am desperate to just make time move faster so the surgeries can both be completed. Or at the very least, his, so I can see what to expect.

Toodles!

On 7/27/2017 at 7:42 AM, Berry78 said:

GERD IS an illness.

technically it's a "disorder".

On Saturday my husband completed the necessary blood work (14 vials!). Now we wait for the results so he can receive the final surgery date. Our month of August is greatly built upon his surgery date, as he and I will both take some time off and I will be responsible for morning drop off for our son for a few weeks. My husband is convinced he will work at home throughout the recuperation and be actually physically back to work after 1.5 weeks (he works a desk job). I very much hope that is true but I don't think he realizes how painful / different / life altering this entire thing will be. Naturally, I am anxious that he will overdo it and end up back in the hospital due to dehydration or busted staples. He tells me that I worry too much but I just can't help it!

I spent several hours late at night watching Youtube Video Blogs of Weight Loss Surgery recuperation and beyond. And, I have to admit, every.single.one.of.them looked amazing 6-10 months out. They each went from fat to fabulously slim and it was obvious that they were thrilled with their transformation. There was a lot of real talk about pain, drains, catheters, gas, burping and foamies but none said they regretted the experience. I am ready to be on that side of the surgery!

I told a close friend of mine this weekend that my husband and I were having the surgery. She told me she would help in anyway and could "bring over food" so I wouldn't have to cook. We both laughed as she quickly corrected herself about the food. I explained the 5 stages of diet afterwards and she told me that she has considered the surgery as well. It was nice to share my concerns/fears/thoughts about the process with someone who was receptive and empathetic - no to mention personally interested. Just the 5 minute interaction energized me about getting the surgery.

I very much want to start losing weight again now - instead of waiting for the surgery. I plan on doing Slim Fast again, as that is the only way I have lost weight in the last 2 years (I lost 35 pounds - which I gained back, and more!). I have two shakes in my office now but I haven't cracked them open yet. I am not quite ready to give up my bagel and cream cheese in the morning yet. This week I will replace lunch with the shake and keep breakfast and lunch the same. I like this plan! Next week I will replace both breakfast and lunch with the shakes.

Toodles!

Just a quick update - my husband got an email from the dietitian that he was cleared for the surgery! He has to start 2000 IU of Vitamin D3 in addition to the multivitamin tonight.

His nurse is out of the office until Friday so we don't know when his surgery date will be yet.

Here we go!

Toodles!

Awesome!

Do keep in mind that those videos of people postop are put out there by people that are happy and successful. If they weren't, they either wouldn't be making a video or they would title it "fail", or "complications" or something like that.

But, it's true... the vast majority of people do well, and a wonderful transformation is possible... even probable.

My hubby commented the other day on how much smaller my bottom was

Hi, I haven't been on the site for a while.

Sent from my XT1635-01 using BariatricPal mobile app

I started my journey May 19, 2016. I knew it would be difficult, because I also suffer from Lymphedema and Lipedema in the legs and stomach. However I am down 82 lbs and I'm very happy about that. Always looking for new recipes and tips from fellow bariatric pals

Sent from my XT1635-01 using BariatricPal mobile app

2 hours ago, Berry78 said:

Do keep in mind that those videos of people postop are put out there by people that are happy and successful. If they weren't, they either wouldn't be making a video or they would title it "fail", or "complications" or something like that.

So true!! It is nice for me to see how they are physically doing in the first weeks - it gives me hope that mine will / can go smoothly!

Good Morning!

I am extremely tired this morning - I went to bed too late and I really must stop doing that. Unfortunately I am one of those people who require way more sleep than the average - I am obsessed with sleep. But, I am a very active mom/wife and full time outside the home worker so I can't be as lazy as a I dream about (no pun intended).

My husband is going to call today to see if he can get the date of the surgery and we will be one step closer to moving forward. I almost feel like getting the surgery will end this journey but it is really just beginning another journey. This month is going to be a long, hard month - we have several bills due and the surgery is happening. Both of these items are very, very much trying my patience and giving my anxiety medication a run for it's money!

I want to take a nap at my desk.....so, so, so exhausted....

I went to bed earlier tonight and I feel better this morning than yesterday. I stayed up thinking about the surgery last night, as it has filled all my waking moments. I imagine the difficulty, the pain, the change, the weight loss, the confidence boost, saving money from fast food purchases - everything. I rehash the surgeries over and over and over and over and over in my mind.

We heard back from the surgery clinic and there are a few things that they have asked us to do now for my husband's surgery. They are requiring us to get a CPAP machine, even though we argued that the weight loss will fix/help with the Sleep Apnea. He also needs to do a chest X-Ray and Arterial Blood Gas test. We don't know the cost on the CPAP machine and hope that it is covered by our insurance (we have no reason to think it won't be). He plans on getting the chest x-ray and blood test done as soon as possible.

More updates to follow.

Update from my husband:

His CPAP fitting is next Tuesday (August 8) and it is 100% covered by insurance - good news there!

Arterial Blood Gas - He needs to get this done at the Main Hospital and have an appointment for that. He is calling now to obtain an appointment.

Chest X-Ray - he will get it done tomorrow

I am worry about all of these things, naturally. I am mostly worried about him having complications during the surgery due to the sleep apnea. It can't come fast enough so we can move forward!!

The sleep apnea won't be a problem during the operation. The tube down the throat keeps the airway open. They want it to help with the recovery. Sleep is important to the healing process.

Good luck with everything!