::Deep breath:: Hello? ::tap tap:: Anyone here?

How are you? I am fine-ish. I mean, I feel fine and I look fine but something is still holding my happiness back.

Actually, if I am being honest, I am not fine. I am scared, anxious, worried, afraid, concerned, freaked out but dedicated to doing this surgery.

I am scared because both of my parents have had gastric bypass surgery and have had life long effects that are most likely attributed to the surgery (vomiting, dehydration, shitting themselves to death, constipation, vitamin deficiency, neuropathy). I am anxious because I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and, though treated and kept in check, my anxiety knob still gets turned to 11 when I am faced with a huge changes. I am afraid of permanently ruining my body and life through this surgery in an attempt to lose 60 pounds (the same 60 pounds I have lost and gained many, many times). I am concerned about not being able to live with the changes because I am "addicted" to fast food (not really, but I do enjoy eating all things fried and fatty, possibly more than the next person). I am freaked out because this will be the biggest change (besides having my amazingly perfect son) in my life.

But, I am dedicated to this surgery because of so many reasons. Some of these reasons may seem petty and unimportant but - to me - they all encompass my WHY!! Oh, so cliche, but important to remember. Perhaps I should be playing some kind of slow, emotional music as I write this to make it even more dramatically sad and moving. Please think of your favorite emotion driven sound track during the below paragraph. Ready? Ok...I can wait while you think of one...

Ok, here goes my WHY list: live for as long as I can with my son and husband, get fully healthy, look fantastic in photos from nearly every angle, stop back/side cramps whenever I stretch, remove bra extender for good, wear my wedding ring again, wear my wedding dress (size 4), wipe my butt without straining, wear high heels again, no more double chin, look sexy and beautiful, have sex again, stop taking pills (metformin, thyroid med), wear a bathing suit, look younger or at least my age (33), 'fit in' with the MILFs, wear yoga pants and not feel stupid, wear clothes that are stylish, have my outside match my inside. <end emotional music here>

But who am I? Who is AHappierMe - that is the burning question, right? (ok, just pretend it is a burning question and not a UTI):

Real Name: Amber

Sex: Female

Age: 33

Turn Ons: extra money, exotic vacations, Italian accents <--Ooops, sorry, that went to an awkward place.

Medical Issues: Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss (6 miscarriages), PCOS, Hypothyroidism, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (most likely caused or influenced by the repeated pregnancy losses).

Weight Loss Attempts: Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Low Carb / No Cab, South Beach Diet, Cabbage Diet, Fasting, Low/No/Negative Calorie, juice fast, Slim Quick, Sim Fast, Protein Shakes, measuring food constantly, trying to trick myself into think I could be anorexic (no kidding - it worked for about 4 days then I realized that I couldn't give myself an eating disorder and binged like there was no tomorrow), intermittent fasting, fad diets and diet pills.

Highest Weight: 200 (after having son)

Lowest Adult Weight: 122 (aged 22, when I got married)

Current Weight: 180

Goal Weight: 120

Height: Too Damn short for my weight! ::Audience goes WILD:: Ok, it is 4'll.

Lastly, my husband is currently in the process of getting the bypass done too and should have surgery in late August. I am INSANELY excited for him. He is 6'0, 350 pounds and is very much ready for this change. My consultation appointment is August 18 but I have already passed the requirement of getting the surgery. I wish time would move faster but I must wait 3 months after my husband's surgery to have mine. In the meantime, I will be updating at least daily on this same topic. I will be updating about my husband's progress and my progress through this journey.

Here is a quote to wrap up this post: "Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end" - Robin Sharma (don't worry, I didn't know him either. Apparently he is a Canadian motivational speaker)

Toodles!!

5 hours ago, Berry78 said:

The sleep apnea won't be a problem during the operation. The tube down the throat keeps the airway open. They want it to help with the recovery. Sleep is important to the healing process.

Good luck with everything!

Thank you so much for saying this - it helped relieve my mind!!

So, my husband found this WLS Blog last night. And, by found, I mean I lead him directly to it and sat beside him with bated breath as he read all my thoughts. Then we played my favorite game, where I ask him repeatedly what his favorite part o my writing was and why. It is extremely difficult - neigh, impossible for me to keep pretty much any secrets from my husband. Including this blog - I know, silly. But, somehow, it works!

Moving on...the most AMAZING thing happened to me this morning. I wouldn't typically share this but it really did make my morning. Sleeping in? Nope. Free breakfast? Nope. No traffic? Nope. Here is what happened: I went downstairs, was making my lunch and took out the first plastic container I could find in the cabinet and then I opened the lid drawer and THE FIRST LID I FOUND FIT THE CONTAINER!!! I kid you not! I had a quick thought "With this type of luck, I should call in sick to work and go to the casino" but thought better on it. Either way, very exciting!!!

I am starting a list of question that I want to ask the surgeon ahead of the big day:

1. Can I be given anti-anxiety medicine immediately when I arrive on the morning of the surgery?

2. Why do some people get drains during their surgery and others don't? What has to happen for me to get a drain (which I don't want)?

3. Are you absolutely, positively sure I won't wake up during surgery then feel the whole thing but be paralyzed that I can't say or do anything?

4. Why doesn't this hospital require the 2 week liquid pre-op diet? If I wanted to do a liquid pre-op diet, which kind do you recommend?

5. How many days do you anticipate I will be in the hospital before I can go home?

....And More....no doubt!!

My husband is going to call the main hospital to get an appointment for the blood test. He still needs to do the chest X-Ray too.

Toodles!

Do you ever get the feeling that people are just f**king with you?

My husband tried four times yesterday to make the appointment for the arterial blood test but the only time they answered, the referral wasn't in the system yet. He called the surgery clinic and they forgot to put in the referral. He called the arterial blood people (again and again and again) and they never answered. He will continue to try today.

Now this morning, his main surgery coordinator - Judy - is back from a week-long vacation. She called him just now and said that he needs to complete two additional stool-related tests, where were never, ever discussed prior. It is certainly not the test / collection that bothers us. It is just that we could have completed this weeks ago if they just said what was needed. Sigh.

NOW Still needed:

Chest X-Ray - this is walk-in

Arterial Blood Gas - he needs to make an appointment for this

CPAP fitting - scheduled for Tuesday, August 8

Fecal Smear Test - he needs to pick up the three cards

Stool Sample - he needs to pick up the container

Does the list of requirements ever end!?! If it were for me, I wouldn't feel stressed or upset. I am just worried my husband will just say "f**k it" or run out of steam all together. I very, very, very much want him to do this surgery and he very much wants to do it too. I was hoping to make this as easy as possible on him.

Ugh.

Yup, I read stories such as yours, so ran off to Vegas instead. Ok, well, Mexico, but same difference.

But hey, at least you know your hubby is being thoroughly looked at.. no poo unturned..

On 8/3/2017 at 11:20 AM, AHappierMe said:

the most AMAZING thing happened to me this morning. Here is what happened: I opened the lid drawer and THE FIRST LID I FOUND FIT THE CONTAINER!!! I kid you not! very exciting!!!

um...... okaaay...

There has been some movement in my husband fulfilling his medical requirements. The surgery clinic said they are still scheduling for August so we are hopeful. Hopefully nothing will be found in the blood gas, x-ray or stool samples that will cause more waiting / testing!!

Arterial Blood Gas - DONE!

Stool Sample - DONE!

Still Needed:

Chest X-Ray - this is walk-in, expect to do this on Monday

CPAP fitting - scheduled for Tuesday, August 8

Fecal Smear Test - he has done 2 of the cards, expect to drop off on Monday

Well, it is Monday again. I have been updating about my husband quite a bit but not about my own journey. At the moment there isn't a whole lot to report - I am still dedicated to getting it done and my consultation is in 11 days (August 18). I am excited to get the consultation over and start getting my testing done with as well.

I came up with another question for the doctor:

6. Will I get liquid citalopram after the surgery? I don't want to be without it. It relieves my anxiety so much - I am scare to be without it.

7. How are you supposed to take huge pills on just 1 once of water!?!?

Today my husband plans to drop off his fecal smear test and get the chest X-Ray. I think we are getting closer.....

I am cautiously optimistic right now. My husband's nurse coordinator just called with news that someone had cancelled their surgery (apparently they are still smoking) and there is an opening on Monday. As in next Monday. Less than 1 week away. Monday. Monday. Monday.

My husband immediately called me to let me know of the opportunity and we both said YES! He is calling the nurse to confirm that we are available for it on Monday...as in next Monday...less than 1 week away. The nurse said that he would have to do the chest X-Ray and the stool smears will have to come back negative before confirming surgery. He will do the pre-op appointment on Friday and then take some liquid cleanse over the weekend. I am cautiously optimistic because I want this for him so freaking much. The nurse indicated that the next available appointment wouldn't be until October -- so much for still scheduling for August and September.

Right now I am praying, hoping, praying, hoping, praying that this will work out for us.

Will update soon.

And...here we go...THE SURGERY IS ON! August 14 is the beginning of my husband's post-fat life. I have so many emotions and worries. I have global concerns about how the surgery and recuperation will be. I have logistical concerns related to my work, his work, our son's schedule. I have specific concerns related to pain after surgery, possible hernia repairs, post-surgery 7 week diet, attitude changes / emotions related to weight loss. I am worried about him following the plan, allowing time to get better, not working immediately after the surgery. Above all - I feel a sense to excitement, ready-to-go adrenaline, just happy that this part is coming to a close. I am a huge combination of excitement and worry - all rolled into one stress case.

In some ways, I feel like we are having a baby again. I know there will be pain, change and a complete unknown of how life will be afterwards. I will be completely unable to concentrate until next Monday and I just know that Sunday will be a ball of nerves all night (time to break out the benedryl!).

One thing is for sure - my stress eating hit me HARD after my husband confirmed the surgery. I made a bee line for Panda Express and got sides to go with the chicken I am making for dinner. I came home and stuffed my face - I know that I will also have to change, come his surgery. I also know that my surgery will most likely be in November!!!

Toodles!!

I spoke with my supervisor about my husband's surgery next week. I was hoping to wait on this discussion but seeing that I need to be out next week, it made sense to go ahead and let her know. I was super nervous about telling her but she didn't seem fazed by it at all. I am very new in this promotional position (not new to my University) but less than 4 months in this specific position and I am already asking for major time off - plus she knows about my own surgery (not the type, just that it is happening). I feel like a terrible employee / worker but sometimes life comes into play. I know it is just my anxiety causing me this stress but I am still fearful about appearing like a bad employee.

My husband has a couple items to complete today: chest X-Ray and CPAP fitting. Tomorrow he has his final pre-op appointment to explains all the things to do ahead of the surgery on MONDAY.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on Tuesday of next week - with all of this stress and worry behind me But, hell, who am I kidding. I would immediately find something else to worry about.

This is happening but time is mooooving soooooo slooooow.

Hey, his surgery couldn't be on a better day. One of my daughters was born on August 14th! Hmm.. (best get to b-day planning...)

During this week, be sure to get pictures. A professional photo shoot would be great, if you could swing it. (Make sure you are in there too).

Extra bed pillows would be good for him to have, and get a few Fleet enemas to have on hand. Milk of magnesia and Miralax are good too.

You can get a small variety of protein shakes for him to try, just don't stock up. A variety of non-caloric beverages is good to have on hand, and make some broth (freeze some in 8oz portions).

If you fill your time with preparations, it'll go faster.

23 hours ago, Berry78 said:

Hey, his surgery couldn't be on a better day. One of my daughters was born on August 14th! Hmm.. (best get to b-day planning...)

During this week, be sure to get pictures. A professional photo shoot would be great, if you could swing it. (Make sure you are in there too).

Extra bed pillows would be good for him to have, and get a few Fleet enemas to have on hand. Milk of magnesia and Miralax are good too.

You can get a small variety of Protein Shakes for him to try, just don't stock up. A variety of non-caloric beverages is good to have on hand, and make some broth (freeze some in 8oz portions).

If you fill your time with preparations, it'll go faster.

Thank you so much for these tips! I will absolutely add these items to my list of preparation.

My husband had his pre-op appointment this morning and it took nearly 2.5 hours. He met with a variety of nurses and the surgeon to discuss what needs to be done ahead of the surgery and post-surgery. He was short on details when I spoke with him after the appointment and I really wish I had attended with him but I had to drop off our son. He got a book that describes the preparation, which I am eager to read. I have to do some shopping and figure out what food / medication items to have in the house next week.

He needs to get another blood test today and pick up some kind of preparation drink for Sunday. Other than that, no other dietary changes before the surgery. Which I think is odd since I have read a lot about pre-op liquid only diets / shrinking the liver and things like that.

I am ready for the week to be over and wake up on Monday - ready to go. I know next week will be a difficult week for me too - I will have to keep my anxiety in check so I can be strong for my husband and fully take care of our son. We share the duties fully for the house and our son so picking up the slack will be something I will focus on. My husband is convinced that he will have zero issues and zero reason not to be working immediately out of recovery - I so, so, so much want this to be true. He is a tough man but I don't want him to ignore his body's signs for more rest.

Part of me believes that if anyone can bounce back immediately it would be my husband. My anxiety would be reduced significantly if I see that he is doing fantastic and taking everything perfectly. Another part of me is cautious and unsure of what to expect. This surgery date was a welcome blessing because it made us commit to it quickly and we didn't have time hem and haw over the process. That being said, it feels like we are going to get like a Foster Child on Monday without any true preparation or clue with what to do with it. Which isn't true, really. We have studied the books, I have watched many YouTube videos, I have participated in forums -- but, just like a baby, you really can't fully experience it until it arrives.

Here's to the next 4 days 23 hours 59 minutes!

Last night I took the time to review the paperwork the clinic had given my husband for the pre-op time period. He has to have clear liquids starting Saturday and Sunday as well as drink a whole huge bottle of liquid on Sunday with 6 antibiotics. I went through the liquids diet list and bought the items he can have during the first two weeks: Gatorade, flavored water drops, sugar free Popsicles, sugar free jello / pudding, broth, low fat cream soups. I don't really know how he will tolerate these items and I still need to pick up more protein shakes.

My husband received his surgery time for Monday and we have to be at the hospital at 5:30AM for the operation at 7AM. I am going to have to work out how to drop our son off at day camp (with the help of my parents) and I plan on bringing my tablet to read during the wait. The surgery book indicated that it may take 8-9 hours before he will be in a room resting (includes prep, surgery, recoup). The surgery itself should take 3-4 hours. He seemed nervous and bit on edge yesterday, which I can fully understand. I, too, am super nervous / anxiety / worried / concerned / ready to move on.

Here's to the next 3 days 18 hours 18 minutes!

I am jealous that my husband gets to do this first. Ok - jealous isn't the right word. I wish I could break my obsession with fast food and fat sooner than November. I wish I had more willpower. I feel so gross with the food I eat - like a huge whale. I want to be done with eating, eating, eating, eating and thinking about eating, eating, eating, eating. I don't want to crave or want to eat crap food anymore. I need this surgery tool to help me restructure my life.

I wish mine was sooner!!!