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Question: dating - do you tell date right away on surgery?



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Hi all, I am going through divorce right now (I am on who posted ex leaving the 4 days after surgery before) & have question for future on dating? I have always been a very honest person -just who I am, part of personality. I have so many questions about post-op dating & want to know what others have done or what they feel about it please for help when I am ready (right now still have anxiety about getting back out there & if read my other post -understand why & thanks for support in helping me through a very hard time).

Question(s) I have are : If going to join one of the online dating sites -do you write about your surgery in your profile? Do you wait to tell them on or after a first date -after they get to know you? I only ever have told one guy I dated before when heavier & recently reconnected as friends only. He thought I was beautiful before & understood why I had surgery for health reason & thinks still beautiful & it didn't bother him (if paths would ever cross in that way again & date) -has anyone ever talked to someone that once they told them they had surgery & could only eat a small amount not want to date them -especially like a dinner date? Anything else that you have experienced on dating post-op would be very helpful also. I really appreciate it. I had no clue that in 4 days post op I was going to come home to a note from husband that he left (but know truth about all & was blessing in disguise). I just am nervous about getting out in dating world again & I want to find a guy this time that believes in honesty & trust too. I want to be honest from beginning because me being a post-op sleeve patients is a part of who I am just like brown hair & hazel eyes. I just wanted to know when everyone has shared it with others dating because dating makes me nervous enough with being judged on appearance, opening up slowly & trusting again while dating someone. Thanks for any help offered. (Sorry if rambling some - still early in PA here). Have a great day all. :)

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I am 3 years postop and went on my first date in almost 10 years back in November. My abstinence was by choice...I love being single and the freedom and independence that includes. Long story short, I said yes just to be polite when a client asked me to lunch. I had no intention of getting serious, or even going in a second date. But he Turned out to be a great guy and we are a hot item now. Anyways, back to your question. I told him about my surgery around the 4th date to explain why I ate so little (and drink so damn much water) He had made dinner a couple times and I didn't want him to think I didn't like his cooking. It is really a nonissue and he thinks it's great that I did what I did in order to be healthy and feel better. He also thinks it's great that I'm such a cheap date and he has no problem sharing appetizers or splitting an entree when we go out.

Good luck, and I guess do whatever you feel comfortable with as far as sharing about your surgery. In my case, he had no problem sharing about his past alcohol problems (been sober 16 years) or the medication he takes for depression, so sharing about my surgery was an easy and natural thing to do. This is definitely the most open, grown up relationship I've ever had. Of course, I haven't dated seriously since my 20's. This is much better.

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If going to join one of the online dating sites -do you write about your surgery in your profile? Do you wait to tell them on or after a first date -after they get to know you?....... I just am nervous about getting out in dating world again & I want to find a guy this time that believes in honesty & trust too. I want to be honest from beginning because me being a post-op sleeve patients is a part of who I am just like brown hair

It seems to me that honesty is one thing and handing your soul over to a stranger whom you have no way of knowing that you'd want to know, is another. Your surgery is part of who you are, agreed, but it has no bearing on someone who isn't close. Also consider that you may hope that your constant awareness of having had surgery eventually recedes (not evaporates) when you've maintained for a good spell. It will have become something you did, notthat what you are.

No way am I saying never to tell, only that it's something I think is more appropriately shared when it's clear that you and the man become increasingly interested in getting to know more about each other. Let it out when the conversation offers a natural opening. Even in relationships (of any sort) of years' duration, people learn new things about each other. Again, I'm not suggesting waiting years.

Tell a date when there's a reason. As to having a man scream in horror and run from the restaurant, it's a definite possibility. While it's no an ego-boost, consider that he's not the one you're looking for. Just be sure he takes care of the check before he flees.

Because the question of when to discuss surgery with a new person comes up often enough, I wonder how many people feel that they're making a confession instead of simply tossing surgery into the mix of life's ordinary goings-on. It sounds as though this doesn't apply to you. I hope so, because it's sad that some people think of revealing surgery as on a par with confessing their histories as axe murderers.

Nervous is cool. Once older, never try to escape feeling 14 again. It's the ultimate in feeling free, excited and thoroughly blissful.

------------------------------------

@@Kindle!

Edited by WLSResources/ClothingExch

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If going to join one of the online dating sites -do you write about your surgery in your profile? Do you wait to tell them on or after a first date -after they get to know you?....... I just am nervous about getting out in dating world again & I want to find a guy this time that believes in honesty & trust too. I want to be honest from beginning because me being a post-op sleeve patients is a part of who I am just like brown hair

It seems to me that honesty is one thing and handing your soul over to a stranger whom you have no way of knowing that you'd want to know, is another. Your surgery is part of who you are, agreed, but it has no bearing on someone who isn't close. Also consider that you may hope that your constant awareness of having had surgery eventually recedes (not evaporates) when you've maintained for a good spell. It will have become something you did, notthat what you are.

No way am I saying never to tell, only that it's something I think is more appropriately shared when it's clear that you and the man become increasingly interested in getting to know more about each other. Let it out when the conversation offers a natural opening. Even in relationships (of any sort) of years' duration, people learn new things about each other. Again, I'm not suggesting waiting years.

Tell a date when there's a reason. As to having a man scream in horror and run from the restaurant, it's a definite possibility. While it's no an ego-boost, consider that he's not the one you're looking for. Just be sure he takes care of the check before he flees.

Because the question of when to discuss surgery with a new person comes up often enough, I wonder how many people feel that they're making a confession instead of simply tossing surgery into the mix of life's ordinary goings-on. It sounds as though this doesn't apply to you. I hope so, because it's sad that some people think of revealing surgery as on a par with confessing their histories as axe murderers.

Nervous is cool. Once older, never try to escape feeling 14 again. It's the ultimate in feeling free, excited and thoroughly blissful.

------------------------------------

@@Kindle!

Thank you so much for reply. After reading it I agree with you & that I don't have to share until I know better & feel comfortable. Check comment gave me a good lol. Thanks so much & will enjoy the nervous excitement of dating when ready. :)

Sent from my SM-S902L using the BariatricPal App

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Hi all, I am going through divorce right now (I am on who posted ex leaving the 4 days after surgery before) & have question for future on dating? I have always been a very honest person -just who I am, part of personality. I have so many questions about post-op dating & want to know what others have done or what they feel about it please for help when I am ready (right now still have anxiety about getting back out there & if read my other post -understand why & thanks for support in helping me through a very hard time).

Question(s) I have are : If going to join one of the online dating sites -do you write about your surgery in your profile? Do you wait to tell them on or after a first date -after they get to know you? I only ever have told one guy I dated before when heavier & recently reconnected as friends only. He thought I was beautiful before & understood why I had surgery for health reason & thinks still beautiful & it didn't bother him (if paths would ever cross in that way again & date) -has anyone ever talked to someone that once they told them they had surgery & could only eat a small amount not want to date them -especially like a dinner date? Anything else that you have experienced on dating post-op would be very helpful also. I really appreciate it. I had no clue that in 4 days post op I was going to come home to a note from husband that he left (but know truth about all & was blessing in disguise). I just am nervous about getting out in dating world again & I want to find a guy this time that believes in honesty & trust too. I want to be honest from beginning because me being a post-op sleeve patients is a part of who I am just like brown hair & hazel eyes. I just wanted to know when everyone has shared it with others dating because dating makes me nervous enough with being judged on appearance, opening up slowly & trusting again while dating someone. Thanks for any help offered. (Sorry if rambling some - still early in PA here). Have a great day all. :)

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Hi, I think I posted on your other post. My wife packed up while I was in surgery. There were some very extenuating circumstances Beyond either one of our control. And I am much happier not having to try to please someone they could never be pleased. It just caught me off guard and due the surgery financially I was in deep trouble. Not to mention moving my daughter 650 miles away. But I've use this experience to make my life better. I spend as much time with my daughter as I possibly can. I have a decent job although I work a lot of hours I am paying all my bills. I have a decent apartment and I even have extra money to spend. And I've lost 158 pounds. I feel better simple things like getting into a booth which I don't do very often but at least I can. I can walk around and do anything I want without feeling like I'm losing a lunk

If going to join one of the online dating sites -do you write about your surgery in your profile? Do you wait to tell them on or after a first date -after they get to know you?....... I just am nervous about getting out in dating world again & I want to find a guy this time that believes in honesty & trust too. I want to be honest from beginning because me being a post-op sleeve patients is a part of who I am just like brown hair

It seems to me that honesty is one thing and handing your soul over to a stranger whom you have no way of knowing that you'd want to know, is another. Your surgery is part of who you are, agreed, but it has no bearing on someone who isn't close. Also consider that you may hope that your constant awareness of having had surgery eventually recedes (not evaporates) when you've maintained for a good spell. It will have become something you did, notthat what you are.

No way am I saying never to tell, only that it's something I think is more appropriately shared when it's clear that you and the man become increasingly interested in getting to know more about each other. Let it out when the conversation offers a natural opening. Even in relationships (of any sort) of years' duration, people learn new things about each other. Again, I'm not suggesting waiting years.

Tell a date when there's a reason. As to having a man scream in horror and run from the restaurant, it's a definite possibility. While it's no an ego-boost, consider that he's not the one you're looking for. Just be sure he takes care of the check before he flees.

Because the question of when to discuss surgery with a new person comes up often enough, I wonder how many people feel that they're making a confession instead of simply tossing surgery into the mix of life's ordinary goings-on. It sounds as though this doesn't apply to you. I hope so, because it's sad that some people think of revealing surgery as on a par with confessing their histories as axe murderers.

Nervous is cool. Once older, never try to escape feeling 14 again. It's the ultimate in feeling free, excited and thoroughly blissful.

------------------------------------

@@Kindle!

Thank you so much for reply. After reading it I agree with you & that I don't have to share until I know better & feel comfortable. Check comment gave me a good lol. Thanks so much & will enjoy the nervous excitement of dating when ready. :)

Sent from my SM-S902L using the BariatricPal App

Check comment gave me a good lol.

Good. I just hate when my wit and smarts go unnoticed.

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So I've been kind of busy and I didn't get to ask. Have you went on any dates? And if so how did they go? I haven't had a whole lot of luck everyone seems so self-centered nowadays or oblivious. Im not worried about telling someone about surgery, they either like me or they don't. I do have issues with eating at restaurants. I just can't find anyone that is interested in me or those that are so desperate they treat you like your oxygen. And I don't mind having someone there really is interested in me. I just don't want someone feeling like without me there life is nothing. And no one's that good not even me. I tend to be very romantic and love to be close to the person I'm with but I don't want them to cry when I go to work. I guess life is tough and I shouldn't complain[emoji44]

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Hi larry971, no I haven't went on any dates yet. a little anxious yet about that, not because of weight loss so much, more about getting out there again after divorce which should be final in March. Yea if a woman cries if have to go to work, I would think that is someone with a codependency issue there. I think in dating a person should still be comfortable with alone time for them to work, catch up on things around their place, & plus I think always important even when dating someone to have girls time & guys time because if you are seriously dating someone you should be able to trust that person. Unfortunately I married & trusted wrong guy & cheated on me while in school at night & weekends after working full time also. But I know I need when date get to know a guy & if gets serious, pay attention if red flags to walk away, but if don't see red flags give that person trust because you should never judge someone else for hurts someone else inflicted on you. :) good luck to you also. Sorry I thought I answered back but had problem with phone & apparently never went through originally.

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Hi larry971, no I haven't went on any dates yet. a little anxious yet about that, not because of weight loss so much, more about getting out there again after divorce which should be final in March. Yea if a woman cries if have to go to work, I would think that is someone with a codependency issue there. I think in dating a person should still be comfortable with alone time for them to work, catch up on things around their place, & plus I think always important even when dating someone to have girls time & guys time because if you are seriously dating someone you should be able to trust that person. Unfortunately I married & trusted wrong guy & cheated on me while in school at night & weekends after working full time also. But I know I need when date get to know a guy & if gets serious, pay attention if red flags to walk away, but if don't see red flags give that person trust because you should never judge someone else for hurts someone else inflicted on you. [emoji4] good luck to you also. Sorry I thought I answered back but had problem with phone & apparently never went through originally.

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Yeah, i had some problems posting too. I miss having someone to talk, laugh, share with, and well yeah other things[emoji11] . Problem is i also work alot, not much choice as i have to pay the bills. I liked being married. She didnt even like people at all. And so I am dating in a world full of damaged people including me. I just hope to find someone who compliments me and I them. And on top of that, The way my ex treated me, makes it tough. And add to it that i am literally a different person than I was 5 months ago. 160lbs down, 50 to go and I love how I feel and what I can do, but still feel self conscious over how I look . Thats why I like talking to people here...At least you understand. Larry

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Oh yea. I understand totally & many others. Yea it is not easy dating at all why not thrilled about it either & yea like in another question by someone else -hard cause you feel better but still self-conscious about some things, especially first time intimate with someome, but like someone else said when you find someone they a ready like you for you hopefully before you even get intimate with them. Yea I think most people are broken at least once in life but it is how you chose to heal your pain or deal with your issues. Think trick is finding someone like you said to compliment each other & also know they have done some positive healing as well as yourself. I have gone through a group at my church that is found different places nationwide that helped me deal with pain & a friend helped me work through forgiveness. I see myself getting out there again in next month or too & just kind of wanted to wait til my divorce is final in March too. I think it would be great if we didn't have to go through dating different people to find the one you would want to have a relationship with, but maybe it is like that so when we find the one we appreciate them more too. Good luck dating, but don't give up hope. If still struggle with hurt, always good to work on self through that hurt too with counseling, groups, or just talking to friends, or on here. It gets better over time. I speak from experience. :)

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Oh yea. I understand totally & many others. Yea it is not easy dating at all why not thrilled about it either & yea like in another question by someone else -hard cause you feel better but still self-conscious about some things, especially first time intimate with someome, but like someone else said when you find someone they a ready like you for you hopefully before you even get intimate with them. Yea I think most people are broken at least once in life but it is how you chose to heal your pain or deal with your issues. Think trick is finding someone like you said to compliment each other & also know they have done some positive healing as well as yourself. I have gone through a group at my church that is found different places nationwide that helped me deal with pain & a friend helped me work through forgiveness. I see myself getting out there again in next month or too & just kind of wanted to wait til my divorce is final in March too. I think it would be great if we didn't have to go through dating different people to find the one you would want to have a relationship with, but maybe it is like that so when we find the one we appreciate them more too. Good luck dating, but don't give up hope. If still struggle with hurt, always good to work on self through that hurt too with counseling, groups, or just talking to friends, or on here. It gets better over time. I speak from experience. [emoji4]

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Lol..yeah...I'm doing ok. Just trying to find that person who wants me around but not make me feel like I'm breathing for them. Lol...not sure where you are but, sounds like you will be a great catch. Good head on your shoulders...no groups like that at my church.

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They have groups at different churches. Groups I go to is called Celebrate recovery. It is nationwide group held at different churches or other buildings but it is faith based. A lot of people think it is just for drugs & alcohol issues but it isnt. The group is for all hurts, habits & hangups. Which means it is for a lot of different things -people gone through divorce, been abused in life, drugs or alcohol, co-dependency issues (which is people who have trouble like I said being alone), eating disorders, control issues, shopping addiction - like I said any hurts, habits or hangups. It is good program. It helped me through a lot of hurt with divorce & people there awesome. I still go because like those when I was weak helped me -we pray & help each other. You have lesson then break up into small groups. Groups separated by what people dealing with & by sex too cause guys feel more comfortable opening up to guys & women to women. It is a protected group & anything said there is kept in the group, not shared outside at all unless risk of anyone harming self if depressed then legally have to report that.

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Another Good religious based group that went to a different church is called divorce care. They are I believe nationwide also. Both have websites you can look up nearest group near you. you may be ok now but just saying for you or anybody else. Just sharing what has helped me heal through the hurt. Thanks for compliment. I am in PA.

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Lol...yeah I'm doing good on that part. I have a decent job, place to stay, and spend lots of time with my daughter. And I can walk up to my 3rd floor apartment and not even think about it.

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Lol...thanks for the information. Yeah, to far and definitely too cold..lol

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