How did WLS effect your marriage...

[shedo82773 1,236]

Thank you OKCPirate. If only I could volunteer to do some studies. But there are no online programs, I would need to travel to Texas. Which at another time it might be something I could do. I have family there.

[Dairymary 533]

I would be interested to know how many of us WLS patients..... Started out married and are now Not (are almost not)....

They warned me that a large portion of WLS patients end up getting divorced... but i didn't believe them... Till now

Also, did it improve your marriage.... would like to know that too

Chris

Losing weight definitely help improve my relationship with my husband. We started our marriage as "partners". Working together, playing together, basically best friends. As I gained weight through the years, our relationship kind if lost it's pizzaz. We still loved each other, but with my growing physical limitations and chronic pain, we quit doing a lot of things together, I also felt guilty about not being able to be as self sufficient as I once was. There were some growing feelings of regret and resentment, but mostly just disinterest in each other.

When I decided to have surgery, my husband wasn't exactly a big cheerleader, but he didn't discourage or sabotage me in any way. I think he just figured this was another fad I was going through to lose weight that would have the same results as always. But as the weight came off and he saw this was for keeps, he became more and more engaging. He wasn't a fan of my new way of cooking, but has gotten used to it. I occasionally throw in some of his favorites carb laden meals and I just don't eat the carby parts. He loves my homemade bread, cakes and Cookies, so I compromise by baking his favorites, but sending them to my sons house for safe keeping. He can eat them there or bring just one serving home for dessert anytime he wants.

The best part is we are a team again. We work together and play together like we did in the beginning of our relationship. Our bedroom antics are as fun as ever. Hubby likes his hot new wife. He's never had jealousy issues, we go out and socialize more and I still take week long theater trips with my girlfriends. He's just happy he doesn't have to along!

I think the fate of relationships after WLS has more to do with how strong they were to start with. Honesty, trust, respect (both for yourself and your partner) and love all play a bigger role in successful marriages than how much one of you weighs.

[Dairymary 533]

Shedo82773 definitely get your testosterone level checked. It's something your regular doctor can do. One of the patients in my support group was an Ob/Gyn and she says low testosterone in women is more common than anyone ever new and can explain a lot of symptoms including low libido, fatigue and depression.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

@@shedo82773 i also know the "bag of bones" comment.... mine told me that and so many more ugly things....

So yeasterday was his 55 birthday and me and my oldest (and his fam) took him to dinner (youngest was working) It was a good night..... He looked at me and said... you really look beautiful. Wow was not expecting that..... I tend to get the your too skinny, face is too thin... your loosing your boobs.... blah blah..

anyway...

I hope you the best

[The New Kel 1,312]

@@QueenOfTheTamazons

Yep, they are right..you are stunning even before you lose all the weight! You're blessed with such a pretty face.

How cool that you and he are both doing surgery. You will both have understanding and support of each other!

@@theantichick ,

I agree completely! Cracks in the foundation pre-surgery are certain to crack wide open after major weight loss. In particular if the one not losing weight is controlling or insecure. Your situation is somewhat like my own. My third time in a long relationship is also the charm...we are lucky!

I was married to my first husband 20 years ago. He would have been supportive of WLS for me. Then I was in a 5 year relationship with a man who was controlling and insecure. If I would have had this surgery while with him I know for certain it would have broke us. We broke up anyway, my doing, even being heavy. He would have been a horrible partner during my transition post WLS.

Enter my husband now. When we met, I was somewhat overweight but not obese. He is a very fit, thin, active man and still is. He didn't care in the least about my weight. But as I ballooned into morbid obesity, our intimacy suffered a bit, not due to him losing interest, but because I was withdrawing due to my own demons and insecurity. He always wanted me, but I was backing off, disgusted with myself.

Although I chose WLS mainly for health, another really big part is because I want to feel sexy for him, and have him feel proud of me. I adore him, inside and out, and I want to do all the things he does along side him- hike, run, play with the kids in basketball, etc.

A very vain part of me wants to look really good so that when his friends see me they will think, wow, what a lucky guy. . I know....so vain! Its not that I want their attention, but I want my husband to feel proud of his wife! I was really mortified a year ago when I met some of his east coast friends for the first time. I could sense their judgment and even though my husband didn't care, I did.

I know that my weight loss will only enhance what we already have. I'm lucky to have such a great man, best friend, lover.

Edited November 9, 2016 by The New Kel

[Candygyrl 637]

I'll be 5 months post op next week I'm down almost 70lbs... So far changes are for the better. In his eyes I was always beautiful. When I started to feel my energy return and gain confidence with my looks I initiated things that I hadn't in awhile. For instance-- my husband is the kind of guy that likes to get out and do things. Because of my weight-- I preferred to stay home. SO I would come home from work, shower and change and then ask him if he wanted to go listen to some live jazz, or local comedy club, just randomly. I would grab tix for a concert, or we would attend a wedding and it gave us something to look forward to. He really enjoyed doing things like that and it helped make us feel connected.

Now I do find he does not initiate sex as often as he used to. Not sure if it has to do with personal things or changes in my body. I'm totally ok with it, it's just I couldn't keep him off of me before and now it's like eh if it happens it happens.

We have fun together and hes totally supportive. He's about 187-190 so I almost weigh less than him. He's been on a mission to get to his ideal weight so that we can be fit and healthy together. So he goes to the gym with me and so far my weight loss has brought us closer. I'm sure there will be some insecurity down the line, some jealousy but so far he's been cool. We'll see where things are a few months from now. Or a year from now. I feel like our marriage has been renewed.

@@The New Kel I am soooo with you on the vain part. My hubby has a bad habit of telling people at work how beautiful his wife is. I hate that because it puts too much pressure on me. When we are at an event or outing and run into someone from his job they are probably like that's his wife??? That's who he was talking about ewww. Now I want them to be like what's she doing with him??? Or how'd he get her??? Does she have any sisters? lol! I'd be proud to stand by his side and I would dote all over him because he's been true to me from day 1.

Edited November 9, 2016 by Candygyrl

[The New Kel 1,312]

@@Candygyrl,

What a great post! Your hubby sounds very sweet. Seems that he loves you unconditionally. I can completely relate to how you used to want too stay home before weight loss. I have lived in a shell for years now. I haven't wanted to be social or be seen. I am just begining my journey- close to 6 weeks post op and now weigh about 203. I'm already more social, and truly can't wait till I feel confidant enough to be seen out with him again.

I have, in the recent past before surgery, literally felt the judgement and confusion in people when they would meet me, and realize I was his wife. He is naturally young looking, athletic, and fit. I was morbidly obese, and that weight put years on my face. We would go places and strangers would look at him and then me and I saw the questioning all over their faces.

Like yours, my hubby also has called me beautiful and talks so enthusiastically to coworkers, friends, and family. When I'd meet them I felt just like you said- they must have thought he was nuts.

I guess we are both very lucky to have great husbands who never cared about judgment, they just saw us as beautiful in any shape. Now it's time to give back in my opinion, and allow him to have a wife he is proud of next to him.

Thanks for your post, I really related to it.

Edited November 9, 2016 by The New Kel

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

@@Candygyrl & @@The New Kel I so.... understand and know that feeling of .... Wow, he's with her? A lot of mine also came from the fact that i was not always fat.... When he and i met i was a size 0... 100lbs 35-22-36.... We both worked in the public... he a bartender and me a waitress. So when we got together... everyone in this small town know us... and he was a bodybuilder at the time so .... 6'4" Blonde, blue eyed muscular man.... He gained weight but never like i did....I was ashamed to go in public... imagined in my mind that all our old friends were thinking.... Wow, she really let her self go. Why is he still with her? I got depressed and gained even more weight.... i didn't know how to control it... i never had to diet before and didn't really know how. I learned fast... hehe.

Any way, i got fed up with the up and down crap and chose the LB. Thinking i would get healthy and sexy for my husband. and he will have no reason to be ashamed of me...Even though he never said a word about my weight, the mind games i played with myself were terrible. I really thought the weight gain was the reason we never had sex (are hardly ever)... and at first as the weight started coming off... We did have more sex... but then it went in the craPPer again.

Like i said before there are a lot of contributing factors.... but the WLS pushed it over the edge. In fact he said.... Your losing weight was the worse thing that ever happened to our marriage.

@@Candygyrl and you are beautiful

[highfunctioningfatman 2,675]

I wonder if a person's tastes change in what the like in a partner. A simple example, I've always preferred a woman who has a bit of weight to her because I think that women should have gentle, soft curves. I've never found an "athletic build" attractive. Part of that may be that I've always been big so I've rarely associated with "athletic" people. My perspective may be based on my reality. No offense @@bayougirlmrsc but in your waitress days I probably would have never given you a second look because your build wouldn't have been attractive to me. I wonder if marriage issues are somewhat linked to this.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

I'm not sure if I follow. No offense taken at all.... I was very petite but I still had some similar curves. Lol.

[jane13 2,256]

My hubby has been nothing but supportive and I feel bad for the OP that do not have a supportive SO. I was blessed to have both of my husbands (current and now deceased ex) have always supported anything I did to improve my health. So my marriage like others who also posted has stayed strong and our physical relationship has also reaped the benefits of me losing over 100lbs.

[Candygyrl 637]

@@The New Kel I can totally relate to your story too. I felt like he could've cheated, or made me feel bad. His dad used to do that with his mom. I mean a lot even in front of me and we had just started dating. His dad would say things like she used to be so small, and so little. Man she USED to be beautiful, she just let her self go. I don't even want to be seen with her, I'm ashamed of her. Man you disgust me. OMG I didn't know what to say!?! She would just smile. He would say I'm going to just leave one day and get a new house and a new wife. I would feel soooooo bad for her. I hated that. he was such a bully. My husband hated when his dad did that and he never did that to me. Like he was very sensitive to that sort of thing. Recently after my surgery she was interested in having it. Well about 3 weeks ago she had to have gallbladder surgery. Shes in the ICU right now on a ventilator after suffering from a post operative infection!!!! To imagine I compared the sleeve to gallbladder surgery because of how easy it is. And SHE NEARLY DIED!!!! Her husband was completely devastated. She's doing a little better and on the long road to recovery but hopefully he appreciates her more nowadays. BUT, I don't think she will want to have surgery after this!

Like I said he remained faithful and I saw his unconditional love for me. He's not perfect and he gets on my nerves sometimes but he's a good man overall. I want to give it back to him. He's always been proud to stand by me but now I want to be his trophy wife who is beautiful from the inside out! So That's why he hasn't been initiating lately because of everything going on with his mom. He's been so worried. So have I but I just wanted to be super supportive. She had a really good day yesterday, opened her eyes, she was using facial expressions to communicate. So they are planning to take her off the ventilator in the next day or 2 which is PROGRESS. So needless to say I had a good night

[The New Kel 1,312]

@Candygyrl

Oh my goodness!! How scary. I'm so sorry to hear about the infection and ICU! To think that came from just gallbladder surgery. I had my gallbladder taken out just three months ago. Wow, how scary! I'm glad she is going better now. Your poor hubby

I have to say, I felt awful hearing how your hubby's dad talks to her. I know everyone has their own breaking points but I wouldn't have been able to have anyone talk to me that way. It's sad though because I think when your self esteem is beaten down, you accept and tolerate horrible behavior, even abusive behavior. Because you think that no one else will be with you. God how sad for her. I hope she recovers and considers WLS again. If she got healthy she would be way more apt to not take that abusive mental sh*t anymore.

I'm glad you have a such a supportive husband. So do I, and I think we are very lucky gals

Looking forward to making mine proud, too!

Continued thoughts and prayers for your MIL.

Edited November 10, 2016 by The New Kel

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

@@Candygyrl Sending your mother in law prayers and i hope she continues to get better.... Sometimes it takes almost losing someone for us to really appreciate them... maybe your FIL sees that, i hope so anyway.

Your a lucky woman... lots of us can only pray for the support you have from your husband.... Im envious of that.

I still have hope... one day i have someone like that, maybe even my husband...He now sees how much i did and now appreciates it... I know he loves me, but im just not ready to go back. I'm afraid if i do that he will go back to the same person he was. We shall see...

[Heather I 500]

@@bayougirlmrsc, well, I hope I don't end up with my husband being like your husband, but I'm upset how things are going. I'm 2 months out and -40 lbs. People are starting to comment with very appropriate compliments, and I get nothing but negative comments now.

I didn't think we'd have a problem with this. My husband didn't say boo about me wanting WLS, although he did say he wished I could have done it "on my own," which as we all know isn't happening if we are at the point of needing surgery. I blew it off.

I was naked last week, and he commented on my surgery scars and said I'd have to get a tattoo to cover up the scars. I said I didn't care; they were fading fast and a light tan would cover them.

The same conversation, I said I'm closing in on 40 lbs, I feel like I'll hit it this week and it's finally starting to show I'm losing weight. He said, yes, you have lost your boobs and they are saggy. You'll need surgery to fix that.

Some friends came over this weekend who hadn't seen me since surgery and were very complimentary (gay guys, but still guys,) and my husband felt compelled to show a video of our kids' swim instructor and point out how good she looked in her bathing suit after having 3 kids.

I called him out on it last night and we fought about it all night and this morning (thereby blowing his plans to fool around. To say I wasn't in the mood is an understatement.)

I said I need to be thrown an occasional bone and compliment versus insults, and he said I expect perfection in a husband and have unrealistic standards of romance and marriage.

To be fair, I got pissed and said I wasn't in LOVE with seeing his 50 year-old saggy old man ass and droopy balls that are now bigger than his penis (yeah, I went there. I was really hurt,) and I asked him, do those comments make you feel "in the mood" and desired as a partner? He got quiet and said, "Oh, so that's how you view me." I said not all of him, but there's things I overlook in HIM and would never make mention of. To which he said why don't I divorce him and get a new stud to fit the bill.

After bickering back and forth via text this morning, he apologized and said he'd try to do better, but this really sticks in my craw. I have always had a higher sex drive than him before surgery, and he's particular anyway about when/where/how we do it, whereas I'm a throw-down kind of gal. Post surgery, I have ZERO sex drive, and IDK if it's a hormone dump gone wrong (since everyone else seems all revved up,) or if the lack of enthusiasm and compliments or appreciation for what I'm doing is killing it for me.

I'm hurt and pissed.

I do know he loves me as a person, despite what I wrote up there. He always compliments me as a good person, wonderful wife and mother, great friend, and all-around do-gooder. He thanks me when I cook and do laundry, and he can be very chivalrous when he wants to. I also out-earn him, and while I could care less and don't mention it, it bothers him greatly. So, IDK if this is insecurity or latent rage at me or what. All I know is he said I'm crazy and need a therapist. I think he's gas lighting me and keeps turning it back on himself like, poor him, I'm this crazy, unreasonable, demanding wife who would like a periodic compliment and to be treated better than the potted plant in the corner.