Umm, how do you tell your daughter she might need this?

[OKCPirate 5,323]

I love my 24 year old daughter. She is smart, funny, loving, successful et.al. But she has her parent's gene's. I had the advantage of being in the military when I was her age, and her mom didn't get really overweight until after kids. But she ballooned up in middle school and never has gotten her weight under control. I suspect WLS could be a huge benefit, yet she has not brought up the subject to me and I don't really want to start the conversation either. Any suggestions? (BTW, 3/4's of my kids have kept their weight within reason, it's just my oldest daughter who really has the problem, and I think it was because of some serious stress issues at the wrong moment in her life).

[LipstickLady 25,682]

You don't.

She knows what you did, I assume? She knows how happy you are? How great you feel? How much better it was than WWs, South Beach, yo yo dieting, etc?

She'll be ready when she's ready. You planted an awesome seed, I'm sure. It's up to her to see it bloom. If you interfere, you look like an a$$.

When she's ready, she will come to you.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@OKCPirate I agree with @@LipstickLady - you don't tell her! Let her decide to pursue WLS or not. She may have PCOS if the weight coincided with puberty. Stress will really mess with her hormones and can cause weight gain. Although she's probably a great candidate for WLS - it's not something anyone wants to hear from a parent.

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[thatmeanone 240]

There really isn't a lot you can do. I started looking into this because I was concerned about my oldest boy. He is 27 and has to be about 350. I asked him to go with me to the seminar and to consider doing it with me but he has a lot of anxiety about the idea of surgery and wants to give losing another shot the old fashioned way.

I'm devastated because I know what he sounds like when he sleeps and he seriously falls asleep constantly during the day. So so worried about his health.

I am really hoping that after watching me yo yo all these years and then seeing the positive change in my life post surgery he will give it more consideration.

BTW my surgery is tomorrow.... Whoooo!!!!!

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[Clarevoyant 347]

There really isn't a lot you can do. I started looking into this because I was concerned about my oldest boy. He is 27 and has to be about 350. I asked him to go with me to the seminar and to consider doing it with me but he has a lot of anxiety about the idea of surgery and wants to give losing another shot the old fashioned way.

I'm devastated because I know what he sounds like when he sleeps and he seriously falls asleep constantly during the day. So so worried about his health.

I am really hoping that after watching me yo yo all these years and then seeing the positive change in my life post surgery he will give it more consideration.

BTW my surgery is tomorrow.... Whoooo!!!!!

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

Good luck!

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[Babbs 14,680]

You don't.

She knows what you did, I assume? She knows how happy you are? How great you feel? How much better it was than WWs, South Beach, yo yo dieting, etc?

She'll be ready when she's ready. You planted an awesome seed, I'm sure. It's up to her to see it bloom. If you interfere, you look like an a$$.

When she's ready, she will come to you.

So much this.

I've got one that's overweight and one that's obese in their 20's. Do I worry sick about them? You bet, but just like with almost all of us, we didn't do it until we were darn good and ready. And personally I would rather see them decide on their own than feel forced into it and not put their heart and soul into it and ultimately fail.

[Valentina 2,642]

I love my 24 year old daughter. She is smart, funny, loving, successful et.al. But she has her parent's gene's. I had the advantage of being in the military when I was her age, and her mom didn't get really overweight until after kids. But she ballooned up in middle school and never has gotten her weight under control. I suspect WLS could be a huge benefit, yet she has not brought up the subject to me and I don't really want to start the conversation either. Any suggestions? (BTW, 3/4's of my kids have kept their weight within reason, it's just my oldest daughter who really has the problem, and I think it was because of some serious stress issues at the wrong moment in her life).

Time to "Daddy up"? Afraid of looking foolish? Ha! Believe me, my friend, looking foolish to our children ranks right up there with the ability to embarrass them at the drop of a hat. Those ships sailed long time ago.

When I was raising my two daughters alone, I always found that actions speak "their" language, where as words are as effective as spitting into the wind. I remember one incident when my eldest absolutely refused to put her clean clothes into her dresser. She just lived out of her laundry basket. I had asked her again and again and again. I finally had "spoken" to her for the last time about putting her clothes away. The next day when the school bus pulled up in front of our house, there hanging in the two Locus trees in the front yard were All of her bras and panties! Ya know? I never had to ask her to put her clean clothes away again.

Why am I telling you this? --just to say that she knows. You don't have to point out the elephant in the room. You're actions will save the day.

How about a quiet dinner, or just meeting for a cup of tea or whatever? I'm sure she will ask you "how are you, Dad?". There's your opening, my friend. You can explain to her how your WLS decision has changed your life for the better, and how you consider having WLS a life saver, etc. You know---the truth.

Then:

Take her hand and say, "If there is EVER a time when YOU decide that you want to talk about having WLS, it would make me the happiest Dad in the world if you would include me in your conversations. I am here for you now, whenever and forever."

"A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life."

I would just let her know that you are here for her---when SHE is ready.

My opinion, my friend. I hope it helps you, Dear Ol' Dad.

[theantichick 2,204]

There really isn't a lot you can do. I started looking into this because I was concerned about my oldest boy. He is 27 and has to be about 350. I asked him to go with me to the seminar and to consider doing it with me but he has a lot of anxiety about the idea of surgery and wants to give losing another shot the old fashioned way.

I'm devastated because I know what he sounds like when he sleeps and he seriously falls asleep constantly during the day. So so worried about his health.

I am really hoping that after watching me yo yo all these years and then seeing the positive change in my life post surgery he will give it more consideration.

BTW my surgery is tomorrow.... Whoooo!!!!!

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

While I agree with the other posters to not be the one to broach WLS with a kiddo, if your son snores loudly and falls asleep during the day then he very likely has sleep apnea and it can kill him. If you've heard him stop breathing while sleeping, then he almost certainly has it. I think it would be appropriate to prod him to get into a sleep study. Perhaps dealing with health issues will help him realize that he needs to take action one way or another.

[chycky 671]

Talk about your own journey and that is enough. Don't ask or suggest even if she is considering it would likely not be well received and would stick with her forever. Likely your example has her thinking already. Best wishes!

[thatmeanone 240]

There really isn't a lot you can do. I started looking into this because I was concerned about my oldest boy. He is 27 and has to be about 350. I asked him to go with me to the seminar and to consider doing it with me but he has a lot of anxiety about the idea of surgery and wants to give losing another shot the old fashioned way.

I'm devastated because I know what he sounds like when he sleeps and he seriously falls asleep constantly during the day. So so worried about his health.

I am really hoping that after watching me yo yo all these years and then seeing the positive change in my life post surgery he will give it more consideration.

BTW my surgery is tomorrow.... Whoooo!!!!!

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

While I agree with the other posters to not be the one to broach WLS with a kiddo, if your son snores loudly and falls asleep during the day then he very likely has sleep apnea and it can kill him. If you've heard him stop breathing while sleeping, then he almost certainly has it. I think it would be appropriate to prod him to get into a sleep study. Perhaps dealing with health issues will help him realize that he needs to take action one way or another.

Absolutely no doubt in my mind he has sleep apnea - and having had a close friend die of it trust me when I tell you I have asked him repeatedly to have a sleep study.

I'm at a stand still talking to him. It's remarkably frustrating.

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[NeedaBreak4Me 1,755]

Hmm it could possibly backfire if you blatantly ask, she is only 24, still young and sensitive.

Maybe try and get her involved with your journey...

- ask her for her ideas on healthy recipes

- ask her to come along on walks, when you notice she is puffed out, explain how you are glad you are fitter. (Don't mention you noticed she is puffed out though)

- go shopping with her and when she gets upset about clothes not fitting, explain how you used to feel that way prior to wls.

Use calculated opportunities to explain the changes to you mentally, physically and mentally.

Engage her in your journey, speak to her about your feelings and when she sees how simple it is to still enjoy life without food & makes the connection with what you have told her, might choose to improve her health.

Edited August 22, 2016 by AussieGirl81

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

"...how do you tell your daughter she might need this?"

You're off the hook because, as a loving, supporting fan of this amazing young woman, you're not going to say word one. At 24, she knows about her weight and a whole lot more. She's also the one to determine what she "needs" and when she "needs" it. More to the point, it's for her to determine what she wants and when she wants it. You'll be appropriate to mention surgery only when she mentions wanting to lose weight. If you say anything before, you'll slip a small wedge between you. Long ago I co-opted something from our friend of yore, Joy: There's no point in telling someone something she already knows.

Trust me and the others who've responded similarly. "Someone's daughter" is on each of our résumés.

Edited August 22, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@thatmeanone Would it make a difference to him to know that driving with untreated sleep apnea is just as bad (if not worse) than driving under the influence? If he doesn't care about himself - he should at least care enough not to want to injure or possibly kill someone else from nodding off while driving (which is extremely common as you know). I can't imagine how difficult it is to see this happening to your son and not being able to convince them to get medical care. You're both in my prayers...

[Christinamo7 4,041]

my kids do not struggle with their weight but all 4 boys have a condition called MEN 1. one of the outcomes if it is not treated is pancreatic cancer. My oldest son has made an educated decision to not pursue testing. He is almost 30. So I sure can't make him (edited - that should say treatment)

we talk about it regularly. he does not have insurance and can't afford the exchange insurances and he will not be moved.

but we do talk about it. I have to cry when he is not there so we can discuss respectfully. I have learned about charity care and have given him numbers and names of who to call.

I think you absolutely can talk about it as long as it is done with love, and respect. I would just let it be a continuing, gentle conversation. health based.

my Dad had diabetes. when I developed diabetes and wanted to pursue surgery he was all for me not having to deal with this anymore. His love and support, no matter my choices has always allowed me to bloom in my life.

let us know how it goes.

[higher 966]

Heh, OK so I'm in my early 30s which frankly can be a world of difference from 24 (certainly is a world of difference from where I was at at 24) but to be completely honest I started looking into surgery because my mom suggested it. I would never tell her that though =)

She is the person who wants me to lose weight most in the world, and comments on my weight constantly and has my whole life. We were watching some tv show together where one of the characters had the sleeve and lost a ton of weight. She turned to me and said "why can't you do something like that? you have to do something!"

I waved her off like I usually do but secretly started looking up the surgery that night. I had never heard of the sleeve before.

So, I disagree with some of the others here who say you can't say anything. You sound like a way more supportive and loving parent than my mom and it worked when SHE suggested it.