How to help spouse accept surgery

[rdharri 46]

In the beginning my husband was all for the surgery. He really has a huge issue with my weight and I don't blame him for that. I don't want him to think I don't care about myself. I do care.

Now that I am half way through the approval process he has changed that he is against it. Weight, fat, diet, if you stop eating chips, cook healthy, the surgery is just not normal are some comments.

I am ruining his life almost. His answer for the change was he thought I wouldn't go through with it since I had started and stopped so many things before. Examples of my failures: weight watchers, buying exercise equipment and not using it, walking and then not walking, My fitness pal... You name it and I have probably tried and failed.

I thought he would be so happy for me.

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[2goldengirl 2,076]

I am ruining his life almost. His answer for the change was he thought I wouldn't go through with it since I had started and stopped so many things before.

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This is SO sad. You are ruining HIS life?

He thought you wouldn't go through with it?

I'm sorry, this makes him sound pretty selfish. On the day you were married, didn't he make you some promises? For instance, to not act like a total jerk?

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Unfortunately, this is more common than you might think. It is no secret here that bariatric surgery reveals the raw dynamics of our relationships. Ultimately it is your body, your health, your longevity and quality of life that are at stake. Thank goodness that you are a woman fully grown who can make her own healthcare decisions without anyone's approval.

I had family support, but others that have not have suggested options such as inviting the doubters to attend appointments with them. Hopefully his change of mind is due to concerns about complications and not a control issue. My mean ol' rotten ex-husband gave me mixed messages all the time. He would constantly give me flak about my weight, but as soon as I would lose that first fifteen pounds, here came the fresh Krispy Kreme donuts through the front door.

Once we were at the supermarket and I reached over to put a bag of potatoes in the cart. He made a scene right there about how I was too fat and should not be eating potatoes. A couple of aisles over he put ice cream in the cart and then Cookies and cheesecake. He would also tell me he was sick and tired of looking at my fat ugly face and then yell at me for ruining every meal with vegetables! You can see why he is an ex.

I am one of those people who tried two or three diets every year. After I had a stroke, I decided I just couldn't lose weight without help. There is no disgrace in asking for help. Be prepared for a wild ride. Educate him as much as you can and then dig in your heels. Stand your ground.

There are more than just a few reasons why we get this marvelous tool to get healthy Here are 1, 347 reason very good reasons to get bariatric surgery. This forum is a gift of support. I wish you the best.

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/219831-what-was-your-final-straw-that-broke-the-camels-back/?hl=%20final%20%20straw

[rdharri 46]

Thanks for the truthful information. I am more determined. I am also thankful for the forum and members like you guys that have had similar experiences! I can identify for sure.

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[KristenLe 5,979]

@@rdharri It makes me sad that your husband has said these things and made you feel horrible! The fact that you know he "has a huge issue with your weight" is upsetting. It may be that he's insecure himself and afraid of the changes in you and your confidence. Don't let him bring you down. This is not about him! It's your body - your health and your emotional well-being! I would be open and communicate with him about your feelings and his fears (if his attitude is coming from fear). You may want to consider counseling - either together or at least for yourself. Stay strong!

[SalOdyssey 441]

In the beginning my husband was all for the surgery. He really has a huge issue with my weight and I don't blame him for that. I don't want him to think I don't care about myself. I do care.

Now that I am half way through the approval process he has changed that he is against it. Weight, fat, diet, if you stop eating chips, cook healthy, the surgery is just not normal are some comments.

I am ruining his life almost. His answer for the change was he thought I wouldn't go through with it since I had started and stopped so many things before. Examples of my failures: weight watchers, buying exercise equipment and not using it, walking and then not walking, My fitness pal... You name it and I have probably tried and failed.

I thought he would be so happy for me.

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You got to do you. If he really and truly loves you, he should want what's best for you, a healthier you. Although as someone said above these arising issues are fairly common in couples where 1 goes through WLS. Stay strong, and work on you. He will either accept it, or sadly you or he will have to move on. Maybe some couples counseling could assist you both? Best of luck on your journey @@rdharri!!

Edited June 18, 2016 by TheOdysseyOfAStoutMan

[rdharri 46]

Thank you!

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[RonnieRab 31]

Thank you!

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I'm very sorry that you like many others has to go through this type of ordeal with your significant other. I strongly suggest counseling as soon as possible and making him a part of every step that you can get him involved in throughout your journey. Make it something that you both go through together. If he is overweight as well then he will benefit and perhaps get better at supporting you.

Fortunately I am blessed with a husband who just wants the best for me and although we are not as close as we used to be it is a journey to take with your significant other. You and he will both change into different people and evolve throughout these events that you go through. Don't let his negativity bring you down or slow you down. If he does not change his attitude to a positive one of rooting for you and helping you make better decisions for your health then it may be that your relationship has nowhere else to go.

Please exacerbate all options before making a decision of ending the relationship but if it is an unhealthy relationship it is best ended sooner than later.

God bless you and I will send up a prayer!

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[Diana_in_Philly 1,426]

@@rdharri - Does your program have a support group that you attend? Maybe bring him to one of the group meetings. Or have him come to one of the doc appointments. If he continues to be an idiot, you have some serious thinking to do. It is possible he is scared -- if you lose weight, he may lose you because someone who will treat you much better than he will may express interest. Best of luck.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Has he gone to any appointments with you? Maybe try going to some support groups together. The way i see it, not being successful with previous attempts at weight loss is one of tje big reasons to have surgery. Best of luck to youand i hope he gets more supportive

[rdharri 46]

He did attend one meeting with me and all was well at that time. Maybe part is nerves. Time will surely tell.

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[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Maybe he is scared.

[Christinamo7 4,041]

how long have the two of y'all been together?

Hopefully he is just nervous about the surgery it's self and the changes that will be occurring in your life. I sure hope that things will calm down and he will be able to talk to you about his specific concerns.

[MissKay 329]

It's funny (not literally), because it really can be a wild ride, and that includes family reactions. My siblings were all supportive. It was my boyfriend (of 8 years) who the first thing out of his mouth was, "Really? Surgery? Or you could just exercise better portion control..."

As time went on, I continued the process. I was disheartened by his attitude and his words, but I did it anyways because this is for ME, not him. I hate looking in a mirror and hating what I see. Or never finding cute clothes that fit me. I think it was oddly enough when I started leaning towards opting to self-pay and go to Tijuana (this was in April) that I sat him down and was like, "Look, you can support me or not, I'm going, I'm doing this. I'd rather you be there and be the partner you are. But if you can't, tell me now so I can find someone else who is going to be supportive to stand by my side."

Not in a threat to break up, but more that I'd take my sister with me and she could help me. However, I think it was mostly just fear of me having surgery, fear of a strange country, fear of how it would impact his life too. Most partners think that when we drastically change our lifestyle, their's will have to change too. And while I'd LOVE it if he wasn't eating pizza or chips in front of me, I can't resent him for my own battle and needing the help to get things under control. So I answered all his questions, added him to a support group on Facebook that is filled with patients from my surgeon's history, and allowed him to read their experiences and everything. I even would bring some of them up in conversation, and when I recognized that someone was messing up, I'd point out how they weren't following the diet or doctor's orders, etc. I think it really solidified showing him that I was 110% serious, dedicated, and that I meant business. This wasn't just another temporary thing.

Honestly, sitting down and having a heart to heart with him would be your best bet. Try to find out why he's changed his views, but also make it clear that you're not going to put your health on the back burner just because of him. You need to do what's best for you, even if he can't see that this is what is best for you (right now).

Good luck!

[rdharri 46]

how long have the two of y'all been together?

Hopefully he is just nervous about the surgery it's self and the changes that will be occurring in your life. I sure hope that things will calm down and he will be able to talk to you about his specific concerns.

Together about 14 years. There have been improvements. Looking back I have been placing this choice first since May. I am trying not to be quite so consumed and anxious.

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