I am enjoying myself immensity with M. I sought someone with a compatible personality vs common interests and it is working out fabulously, so far. He is teaching me golf and he'll dabble in horseback riding. We both love games and play lots of board, card and dice games...and talk for hours and we are both very social. He is an attorney and kinda likes to"fight" - and politics is what we have chosen to fight about which seems to provide endless entertainment. I have totally met my match on the debate subject and love it too...neither of us take it personally and respectful so it isn't negative. Most importantly, we have incredible chemistry and compatibility - time together flies! He makes me feel really good.

I have met lots of his"people" and since he is a very social person that would be overwhelming to an introvert...we went to a social gathering where there must of been 30 people who wanted to catch up so I wound up having to fend for myself. Once I realized the situation, I turned on my party smile and met everyone. I even got hit on..ha...I had to tell the guy I was there as a guest of M. Not everyone's comfort zone, but I had lots of fun and left that party feeling energized(classic extrovert).

So, next is the hard part. He has been patient with me - I spent the first month going really slow (kidney stone helped!) He reads people well so just expressed interest without pressure and has waited for me to invite the next steps along the way in getting to know each other. It has been really great. However I know he wants to engage in my life more. I want him to as well, but it is triggering fear in me. I haven't felt quite like this toward someone since I have been dating and I do want more, but I am self protective of my heart, my family, friends, my daily life. At some level I feel like if I can keep "love" in a box and not part of my full life I can manage the pain when it ends. I've had a couple of boyfriends since being single and they hadn't even been to my home.

I recognize that this"with holding" is a part of me that I don't like and something I want to face. He has met my (grown) sons, been to my home once. I am having him over for dinner later this week and he offered to help me with a big ugly chore (washing truck and trailer that are green with winter gunk). Sounds ridiculous when I type it but I feel some anxiety over starting down this path, because I WANT it, I am honestly afraid of failing in love.

So here is my question -would you discuss it? I believe he has the general idea about my self protective nature so it probably doesn't need discussing but I don't want to be misinterpreted. This is hard for me and I suspect has been an obstacle for me in finding a good relationship. I have been in very few relationships -spent most of my adult life as part of a committed/married couple. I don't really want to discuss it, maybe I can just mention that this is part of my personality I am working to change and not make a big deal.

I think it's odd I feel so strongly about this , the counselor I used to see told me that she felt the reason I found so many men I meet "boring" or unattractive is really that self defense kicking in, I never give it a chance and I really do want to change - not just because of M, but because I want to keep growing as a human.

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I don't know what you should do.

I'm just happy you have this "problem" now.

Really tickled for you.

I don't know what you should do.

I'm just happy you have this "problem" now.

Really tickled for you.

Ditto.

@@CowgirlJane --

Sometimes we just have to fling ourselves off a cliff. Maybe you've at least lifted a foot toward that end without being aware.

It may seem simple, but I really do think that your car-washing date is significant. It's letting him into your day-to-day, non dress-up life. You'll get messy and have simple, laughing fun without the stiffness of earlier, getting-to-know-you-and-wanting-to-make-an-impression sort of date. You'll very much be Casual Jane in your own environment.

You're not going to turn off the inner tension in a blink. More important, you're not turning from it. Keep doing what you're doing. I think it's safe to say that we'll all pitch in at the next hurdle.

I second this. I personally like to test a potential relationship by seeing how well we work together. And realistically, some people almost become undatable because they won't let anyone in to help and be part of their lives. I hope you don't stress and can enjoy the experience. Watch him carefully and see if he asks or tells. If he is inclusive and asks you how you want things be happy. That would be a great sign. I really hope it goes well for you.

I haven't talked to her since last year so haven't discussed this specifically. I know that in general the advice she gives me is to just "do it" and be okay with the inner tension/ discomfort / fears which is what I am doing.

As it relates to dating, one of the big concerns that she had for me is that while others find it "fun" to go on a million dates and casually see lots of people I don't. I find each of these "short term" interests erodes my positive feelings about dating/finding a relationship. So, for me, it has been a balancing act of keeping at it vs respecting that my internal self protection kicks in.

Last year, I was bothered by a dating situation WAY more than I realized at the time. I started to notice that I had a longing for someone I used to see. I noticed that I didn't really want to be in a relationship with him again (there was a reason it ended!) but rather I had some fears about meeting new men and trying to find a good one. I occasionally thought about my physical safety... but what I think was really going on was that emotional fear.

So, what I did was take time off from the whole thing. Whilst I was recovering from surgery etc I put some time into thinking about how to approach things differently - asking myself what I REALLY want... that sort of thing. It was successful - this go worked out so much better than past efforts.

However, I still want to be a more open person. It is a tough one because I am super outgoing, make aquaintances easily but am adept at keeping a certain wall up and only letting a very few people in. Let me share an example. There is a super nice lady at work that I have known for years. Yesterday, she suggested we go shopping and have a glass of wine - super fun! I want to do this, but... I still notice that inner resistance. It apparently runs quite deep and surprises me at times.

The part I can't tell is how it "reads" to another person. Does my hesitancy read as lack of interest? Does it read as reservations about him specifically? Neither of those is true - and that is the only reason I thought about bringing it up.

I am understanding better now what you are saying. What does your therapist recommend to get over the hump? I'm curious for myself, honestly.

I would try and find a way to bring it up in a conversation but then I have a habit of being TOO transparent so I don't know. I'm glad you guys are having fun though!

So, I was in a slight funk yesterday for a couple of reasons... almost cancelled my date with M but decided to go - glad I did.

We talked about alot of things, but at some point I worked into the conversation that I can be a bit self protective when getting to know someone and he replied "well, you should be".

He told me he feels honored that I am comfortable enough to be letting him into my life which was a good answer to a question I didn't even ask. It was a short conversation and in the larger context of some things we were discussing it fit without putting too much into it. I am glad I was able to talk it all out with my "imaginary friends" here on BP first - made it alot clearer in my own mind about my feelings on the topic and I feel a certain relief that he is not experiencing any of this negatively - at least for now. So, thank you.

M is impressing me out here in 'imagination land'. Just saying

I'm so ecited you have someone special! Good luck

I am enjoying myself immensity with M. I sought someone with a compatible personality vs common interests and it is working out fabulously, so far. He is teaching me golf and he'll dabble in horseback riding. We both love games and play lots of board, card and dice games...and talk for hours and we are both very social. He is an attorney and kinda likes to"fight" - and politics is what we have chosen to fight about which seems to provide endless entertainment. I have totally met my match on the debate subject and love it too...neither of us take it personally and respectful so it isn't negative. Most importantly, we have incredible chemistry and compatibility - time together flies! He makes me feel really good.

I have met lots of his"people" and since he is a very social person that would be overwhelming to an introvert...we went to a social gathering where there must of been 30 people who wanted to catch up so I wound up having to fend for myself. Once I realized the situation, I turned on my party smile and met everyone. I even got hit on..ha...I had to tell the guy I was there as a guest of M. Not everyone's comfort zone, but I had lots of fun and left that party feeling energized(classic extrovert).

So, next is the hard part. He has been patient with me - I spent the first month going really slow (kidney stone helped!) He reads people well so just expressed interest without pressure and has waited for me to invite the next steps along the way in getting to know each other. It has been really great. However I know he wants to engage in my life more. I want him to as well, but it is triggering fear in me. I haven't felt quite like this toward someone since I have been dating and I do want more, but I am self protective of my heart, my family, friends, my daily life. At some level I feel like if I can keep "love" in a box and not part of my full life I can manage the pain when it ends. I've had a couple of boyfriends since being single and they hadn't even been to my home.

I recognize that this"with holding" is a part of me that I don't like and something I want to face. He has met my (grown) sons, been to my home once. I am having him over for dinner later this week and he offered to help me with a big ugly chore (washing truck and trailer that are green with winter gunk). Sounds ridiculous when I type it but I feel some anxiety over starting down this path, because I WANT it, I am honestly afraid of failing in love.

So here is my question -would you discuss it? I believe he has the general idea about my self protective nature so it probably doesn't need discussing but I don't want to be misinterpreted. This is hard for me and I suspect has been an obstacle for me in finding a good relationship. I have been in very few relationships -spent most of my adult life as part of a committed/married couple. I don't really want to discuss it, maybe I can just mention that this is part of my personality I am working to change and not make a big deal.

I think it's odd I feel so strongly about this , the counselor I used to see told me that she felt the reason I found so many men I meet "boring" or unattractive is really that self defense kicking in, I never give it a chance and I really do want to change - not just because of M, but because I want to keep growing as a human.

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Wow. You are tremendously self-aware, and that's just about the greatest asset someone can bring to a relationship. I think you should discuss your fears and self-protective tendencies with him, and emphasize that it's something you're working on incrementally. You're getting there an inch at a time, and it'd be nice if he was there to grow with you.

I think it's not only okay, but smart to keep part of yourself guarded, so long as you can unfold yourself a little bit more as the trust builds. After all, people who love indiscriminately aren't exactly healthy or wise about it either.

I'm happy for where you are. You seem like a lovely person, and so does he. Wishing you the best.

Thanks @barrysue.

You quoted my post which caused me to skim through it. I wrote I was "afraid of failing in love" but I read it as " afraid of falling in love" which is probably the truth.

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@@CowgirlJane is actually one of the most self aware people on this forum, Barry Sue. I always enjoy her posts becuse of that.