I am enjoying myself immensity with M. I sought someone with a compatible personality vs common interests and it is working out fabulously, so far. He is teaching me golf and he'll dabble in horseback riding. We both love games and play lots of board, card and dice games...and talk for hours and we are both very social. He is an attorney and kinda likes to"fight" - and politics is what we have chosen to fight about which seems to provide endless entertainment. I have totally met my match on the debate subject and love it too...neither of us take it personally and respectful so it isn't negative. Most importantly, we have incredible chemistry and compatibility - time together flies! He makes me feel really good.

I have met lots of his"people" and since he is a very social person that would be overwhelming to an introvert...we went to a social gathering where there must of been 30 people who wanted to catch up so I wound up having to fend for myself. Once I realized the situation, I turned on my party smile and met everyone. I even got hit on..ha...I had to tell the guy I was there as a guest of M. Not everyone's comfort zone, but I had lots of fun and left that party feeling energized(classic extrovert).

So, next is the hard part. He has been patient with me - I spent the first month going really slow (kidney stone helped!) He reads people well so just expressed interest without pressure and has waited for me to invite the next steps along the way in getting to know each other. It has been really great. However I know he wants to engage in my life more. I want him to as well, but it is triggering fear in me. I haven't felt quite like this toward someone since I have been dating and I do want more, but I am self protective of my heart, my family, friends, my daily life. At some level I feel like if I can keep "love" in a box and not part of my full life I can manage the pain when it ends. I've had a couple of boyfriends since being single and they hadn't even been to my home.

I recognize that this"with holding" is a part of me that I don't like and something I want to face. He has met my (grown) sons, been to my home once. I am having him over for dinner later this week and he offered to help me with a big ugly chore (washing truck and trailer that are green with winter gunk). Sounds ridiculous when I type it but I feel some anxiety over starting down this path, because I WANT it, I am honestly afraid of failing in love.

So here is my question -would you discuss it? I believe he has the general idea about my self protective nature so it probably doesn't need discussing but I don't want to be misinterpreted. This is hard for me and I suspect has been an obstacle for me in finding a good relationship. I have been in very few relationships -spent most of my adult life as part of a committed/married couple. I don't really want to discuss it, maybe I can just mention that this is part of my personality I am working to change and not make a big deal.

I think it's odd I feel so strongly about this , the counselor I used to see told me that she felt the reason I found so many men I meet "boring" or unattractive is really that self defense kicking in, I never give it a chance and I really do want to change - not just because of M, but because I want to keep growing as a human.

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It sounds like you are moving forward and taking those steps toward him.

That is a wonderful thing! And going by what you have shared, it sounds like real progress too.

If the topic actually comes up, or if you feel that you might be sending him unintended/mixed signals, I say go ahead and share your feelings about it.

Otherwise, I would probably just let things happen naturally. This is a gift. Enjoy every moment you can You deserve it!

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It sounds like you have met a very understanding person who already has recognized that there is apart of you that is very guarded. As suggested, if it comes up, or if you feel that this is becoming an obstacle, discuss it openly and honestly. The longer such things are kept hidden, the bigger an obstacle they become. Get it out of the way so you can move on. I've often found that when I worried about discussing something with someone close to me, the strain and stress of worrying about it was far far worse than any reaction that took place. Good luck and enjoy!

So, next is the hard part. He has been patient with me - I spent the first month going really slow...he wants to engage in my life more. I want him to as well, but it is triggering fear in me. I haven't felt quite like this toward someone since I have been dating and I do want more, but I am self protective of my heart, my family, friends, my daily life...

... Sounds ridiculous when I type it but I feel some anxiety over starting down this path, because I WANT it, I am honestly afraid of failing in love.

So here is my question -would you discuss it?... maybe I can just mention that this is part of my personality I am working to change and not make a big deal...

I really do want to change - not just because of M, but because I want to keep growing as a human.

It sounds as though you may be in the third month of seeing M, going into the fourth? I think it's been about that long since you were having the health problems.

Why not take one layer of anguish off yourself. Just acknowledge that it's okay to feel fearful. Not that it's a desirable condition, but it just is the way it is. At the same time, acknowledge that the fearfulness is well known in the world of dating and letting relationships blossom.

By all means discuss it with M. He sounds like a good man and you may be correct. His relaxed, no-hurry stance and not applying pressure may well mean that he's gleaned the fear. If so, his sticking around says that he is indeed interested in you. I really do think that your upcoming date to clean the winter buildup from your vehicles is a real "step." Lots of everyday life's tasks are unglamorous. To agree to take part in them says that he just wants your company, mud and all.

"Discussing it" is not the same as blurting it out. It makes sense to wait until there's a natural opening for the discussion. The talk shouldn't be a "big deal," lest your fear turn into a living, breathing elephant in the middle of the room. It should, however, be more than two sentences. If a man were fearful of getting closer with me (and that happens twice before Breakfast nearly every day, don't you know), I'd want to know what he needs from me to help him relax. This, of course, not in the first few weeks or so, when it would be bizarrely premature.

You wouldn't even need to say "This is a part of my personality that I'm trying to change." The fact that you'd enter the discussion make it clear.

I hope I've helped.

keep going slowly forward and get used to it one step at a time! hopefully you two can talk to each other about where you want things to go as you move forward.

we are all scared of love a little - I think that's healthy.

I was married a long time (9 yrs) the first time and I never wanted to even date after he threw our marriage in the garbage, my David was a patient man courting me - but it has been worth risking my heart again.

Clunky technology

Edited April 11, 201610 yr by WLSResources/ClothingExch

Clunkier technology.

Edited April 11, 201610 yr by WLSResources/ClothingExch

If you are comfortable enough to talk about everything else, you can open up about your feelings. Just hold for that right moment to slip it into a conversation. It sounds like he really likes you, or else he wouldn't keep coming around. Good for you - you deserve to be happy - you have worked so hard to get where you are. Hugs.

Sounds like he's a keeper if he's been patient so far and taking his cues from you for pacing.

I don't know how old you are, but guys can calm down a bit 40+ in terms of pushing going to the "next level."

My completely unscientific personal experience is they've been burned, burned out, and want companionship and company -- in addition to the fun stuff:-)

Don't pressure yourself. You really like him. My guess is it'll happen organically sooner than later and this will be a blip. Smart guys know NOT pressuring a lady can sometimes be the biggest aphrodisiac. Works for me! LOL.

Sounds like he's a keeper if he's been patient so far and taking his cues from you for pacing.

I don't know how old you are, but guys can calm down a bit 40+ in terms of pushing going to the "next level."

My completely unscientific personal experience is they've been burned, burned out, and want companionship and company -- in addition to the fun stuff:-)

Don't pressure yourself. You really like him. My guess is it'll happen organically sooner than later and this will be a blip. Smart guys know NOT pressuring a lady can sometimes be the biggest aphrodisiac. Works for me! LOL.

Clunkiest technology.

Edited April 11, 201610 yr by WLSResources/ClothingExch

@@CowgirlJane - I'm glad for you. You sound like my girlfriend. When we met, she was only looking for an "adult companion" to do things with. We both have been very happy with the slow rise in intensity and merger. But she had to really work on changing her goals and expectations of a relationship. I had to work very hard at not trying to "sell her" on the idea that the relationship was great (I know I can be a little pushy and manipulative if I don't consciously watch it).

But we have had some nice serious conversations about the relationship. I have been so in tune with her that I have never been fearful. After many years of searching, finding "the one" person who doesn't cause you to fear or worry is great. She wrote me a wonderful note where she explained that she finally had to acknowledge she is in love. She is an attorney and has been very guarded with her heart after all the stuff she has been through. So in order for her to give herself permission to be in love, she had to write out the attributes of the relationship and saw that it met every Biblical characteristic for love on an objective level. Once she could wrap her mind around it, her heart followed.

So maybe this may be of help to you.

Note: Every guy has an old emotional wound. Could be an abandonment issue. He could have dealt with parents with substance abuse, or perfectionist expectations. He could have been embarrassed or berated. And we often create defense mechanism in childhood to protect our wounds.

So be sure to really understand his before you discuss this with him so you know how to discuss this with and avoid triggering his defenses. I think women (at least the smart ones) know and see these wounds more clearly in their men that the guys see them. The mean women use this knowledge as a weapon. The loving ones use the knowledge to protect the relationship by not re-injuring the wound and can help in healing.

I found out more about my defense mechanisms when I took this inventory: http://www.seinstitute.com/jpaq/. When I was at a point in my life when I wanted to grow beyond where I was, I had some old girlfriends take the test too so I could learn what worked and what didn't by comparing the results. The results were interesting and helped me really understand why those relationships didn't work, but it also helped me understand what I was looking for. For $30, you could have some really interesting discussions.

I'm just happy for you. We all deserve that butterfly in the stomach feeling again... Or even just once!

Revel in every moment right now. My thing is to not overthink it ...

But have a blast debating someone intelligent ....Who discusses fairly. ( sign of maturity)!

Dance, take rides,have fun!!

[emoji171][emoji171][emoji171]warmly

I agree about letting things just develop but that isn't what I am talking about. My meaning is that I want to be let him into my life more .. just the way things develop as a relationship grows and I feel some inner tension. It isn't because I have a bad feeling about him it's my pattern and I want to change it. Btw, I keep women friends at a distance too until I really know them a long time. Counselor said it is due to fear of hurt/abandonment and I think she is right. Even when I choose to remove someone from my life, I tend to experience it as a loss.

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@@CowgirlJane --

Sometimes we just have to fling ourselves off a cliff. Maybe you've at least lifted a foot toward that end without being aware.

It may seem simple, but I really do think that your car-washing date is significant. It's letting him into your day-to-day, non dress-up life. You'll get messy and have simple, laughing fun without the stiffness of earlier, getting-to-know-you-and-wanting-to-make-an-impression sort of date. You'll very much be Casual Jane in your own environment.

You're not going to turn off the inner tension in a blink. More important, you're not turning from it. Keep doing what you're doing. I think it's safe to say that we'll all pitch in at the next hurdle.

Edited April 12, 201610 yr by WLSResources/ClothingExch

We all have our baggage...

I'm just happy for you right now.

I am understanding better now what you are saying. What does your therapist recommend to get over the hump? I'm curious for myself, honestly.