I keep hearing about that "act like a lady, think like a man" book. Reading the reviews it doesn't really sound like my world view (the tired saw that all men are dogs). Hell, at my age I am pretty stoked to find a guy who matches my libido...but I digress. since what I have been doing is no longer working for me, I am gonna change things up even if I have some doubts about the underlying premise.

The big mistake I make over and over is narrowing to one person too quickly, I lose interest in meeting anyone else. This has resulted in a few relationships over the last few years, none of them lasting more than 3-4 months and i am tired of it. (Not entirely true, had a pretty long relationship with someone who was supposed to be a more casual thing - weird, huh?)

I realize this is starting to impact my feminine self esteem even though I have been just as likely to end things...more like I just am tired of getting to know someone, they impact my life and then are just gone. I don't take losses well, even unimportant ones like breaking up with someone I wasn't in love with.

This wasn't my experience when I was young so I guess I am finally taking seriously the advice EVERYONE has given me and when I am ready to "try again" to avoid this pattern. What the heck, nothing to lose - I am going to do the thing where you see several people and wait for months before exclusively dating any one person. Is this what people call serial dating - a term that makes no sense to me bit I have seen in guys profiles "no serial daters". Me, I am just trying to avoid serial killers, I have very reasonable standards.

Here is the thing I keep wondering about people who date 3-5 people (the members of the pool most likely change quite a bit until you find a serious prospect ) - how on earth do you have time? I mean I figure you need to see a person at least 3x a month so they remember you, right? That is alot of dates.

Do you move toward going "dutch" in this situation? Men always pay for dates in my experience unless I specifically am treating them, but I would often cook or do things like that. I guess I am wondering what people think is typical.

I am just trying to figure out how to actually do this thing I said I am going to do. Hope the book comes with an instruction sheet.

I predict that I will start going to meetups, fire up an online profile etc in March. so far, getting dates has been no problem, but finding love has been quite elusive. ....

I have another change I need to make but I am not yet sure how. I need to learn how to flirt better. I mean with complete strangers - I have this terrible habit of avoiding eye contact or smiling at someone I find attractive - I think i send out "don't come near me" signals sometimes. I am not a shy person so it is quite specific to men I find interesting, you know at the store or out at a dance or something ...maybe remnants of my history of feeling bad about my looks???

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I was writing my last pages in a journal I started in Nov 2014 doing a recap of sorts. After doing a lot of thinking the last few days, I realized that you have to put some serious effort into online dating. I have a bunch of guys who have "liked" me...and a few emails. One thing that POF does that irks me, they now have it set that you have to have a subscription to see who likes you. But you get emails that state so-and-so likes you. So I decided that I am going to get a new notebook for dating. I'll write down the guys screen names from my email and look them each up. I'll add notes as I go along. Since I'm not even in my 40's any longer, I need to figure out more of what I'm looking for. So, I'll make myself take some time each day, or every other day and try this out. If I can play on FB for over an hour, why not look at profiles?

Here are two selfies. The flower in hair one is a few years old, but I use it still. I like to have shots with my hair curly, straight, no make-up...etc. I haven't changed much, my face is thinner...but if people from high school come up to me out of the blue saying I look the exact same.... As for having others take my picture, I usually dislike how I look. I know that I take great shots for folks as they always end up using my pis for their FB and dating profiles...go figure.

@@FinallyFit50s you are really cute! I would probably not use the one that looks like you are laying down. I one time had a picture that wasn't very revealing, no cleavage,, and not bodycon but my shoulders were bare. I got alot of emails and someone actually told me that i should rethink how much skin I was showing. Thing is, it wasn't really that revealing, but it did not get the attention I wanted. I do a combination of a clear face shot, some activity pictures, and then a clear fullbody shot. And I make them current and put the month/year in the photo comments. I have the right to be pissed off when i meet someone who does not vaguely resemble his photo - that happens so often an it is kind of a show stopper as to me it is lying. I think it is good to pick flattering photos, but honest and flattering is best. And apparently, do not show shoulder skin - ?

The other thing is - you don't really find out much about a person from their profiles and a thousand emails. You learn superficial things, but you don't really get much of a sense of them. When you are ready to dive in the pool, might as well just do it and be ready to have a few coffee dates. If nothing else, it is practice!

Laying on the pillows is going to attract perverts. It is a cute picture though.

Yeah a little skin goes way to far in profiles

Skin = want to bone in online dating.

Yeah I basically thought I could cheat and weed out a lot of drama by dating older, which has always been my preference anyway. Dating guys in their 30s and 40s when you are in your 20s is a lot different than dating guys in their 40s and 50s when you are in your 30s. I'm old enough to see through the BS very quickly. Also in the past when I dated older men, they were men I through business connections, so they had to act with some decorum. Now with internet dating, you encounter a bunch of savages.

Yes, they are online, validating their existance. Trying to see how many women they can pull and what quality they are. A lot are married, bored and have no intentions of divorcing or dating seriously. they want pen pals or just sex. Mainly it seems like a lot of men view online dating as an easy and free way to get sex. LOL Keep dreaming.

I am finding younger men don't care about your age as long as you look good. As one told me, "No one would guess your age by looking at you, you look good". Also there is some appeal to dating an older woman that might not be looking for marriage and babies. I definitely am not interested in either, and that takes a lot of pressure off for some guys.

It is a hard knock life out here in the dating world. Still when I read most peoples posts about being married, I am very happy to be now this is just tons of emails, so not sure if my new tactic will pay off... stay tuned.

Hey, it takes two to tango. You were a participant not a victim. I'm sorry to sound really angry but I'm a little tired of women feeling used because they consented to something and then they " felt cheap on the back end" and then blamed the guy ( not that I'm bitter or anything). Blame yourself. You said yes. Ok so it didn't work out. Oh well

Ok why am I bitter? Had a couple of good dates with a wonderful, intelligent woman (Vice President of a major bank), third date we end up naked in my hot tub. She feels bad, blames me. I didn't force, coerce, drug, manipulate her into this. But she killed a potentially great relationship because she could not accept she wanted sex and connection too.

Dumb. Admit you want it all too. Quit blaming the guys unless they are lying, drugging, or otherwise using the tactics of a rapist.

Btw if you are using makeup and spanx ...geez who is lying? I'm just suggesting that there really should be some reality in this discussion and not general blame of one sex over another.

Both sexes enjoy the game of seduction. One likes to pursue and the other likes to be pursued. So the guy is in the game and hasn't figured out his feelings yet. So what else is new? We only use half our brains. The female brain is wired to use both halves at the same time. I almost can guaranty that most women know when a guy isn't fully committed to a relationship yet these same women succumb to their wooing because they get an ego stroke too.

Don't get bitter. Just own what you know. Chalk it up to experience.

I may be asking too much. Women regret what they have done, men regret what they don't do.

@@OKCPirate

Oh I'm not playing victim, and I am not bitter, bored mostly. I am not playing innocent at all. I have specific needs and desires and I am not willing to compromise.

I just thought older men would be more together, and I am finding too many men that are in mid life crisis. There is nothing wrong with being in a mid life crisis or a bad place in your life. Just be self aware enough not to push that crap onto other people.

Most of these guys don't get far with me, I can weed them out usually before even meeting them.

I realized I was expecting to much to think that people who are trying to date are in a healthy mental place before making a dating profile.

This is why I stopped trying to meet new people for now. I don't have the time or energy weed through people and try ad gauge their true intentions. Time is precious and my free time right now is better spent focusing on making it to my WL goal.

We are women talking about dating men, and dating them online and how to screen them. I don't know what it is like to be a man and date online, I only know what is like from a female perspective.

There is some guy that posts on here about dating women when he is still married as hell and he gets less kick back than you just gave me.

Edited February 24, 201610 yr by OutsideMatchInside

I can so understand how @@OKCPirate felt in that post. Just sayin'.

Each of us knows the many layers of our own insecurities, but very little about others'. And everyone has insecurities -- that are very hard to fix. In other words, everyone is just as fucked as we are.

I cannot think of many areas of life that fire up our insecurities more than dating / looking for love -- at any age.

Protip: Ain't nobody out there who is a perfect human being. No-body! The miracle of love is that every once in a while we find someone who "fills gaps."

I didn't come up with that. Rocky did.

I can so understand how @@OKCPirate felt in that post. Just sayin'.

Each of us knows the many layers of our own insecurities, but very little about others'. And everyone has insecurities -- that are very hard to fix. In other words, everyone is just as fucked as we are.

I cannot think of many areas of life that fire up our insecurities more than dating / looking for love -- at any age.

Protip: Ain't nobody out there who is a perfect human being. No-body! The miracle of love is that every once in a while we find someone who "fills gaps."

I didn't come up with that. Rocky did.

Funny, I watched the movie for the umpteenth time last week and that line stood out for me. "Paulie: What's 'gaps'? Rocky: I dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps. " I'm sure its because of where I am (or am not) in my dating/lovelife.

@@OKCPirate I can't speak for anyone else but I take responsibility for my own actions and you are giving me WAY too much credit if you think I "know" what a man is thinking. I admit to being overly trusting and take people at face value. Dating has taught me to question, frankly to just assume I am not being given the truth. That is unfair but I have to protect myself. Most of the time, I think it is lack of self awareness on his part, but I have been manipulated too and of course some are genuine and honest too, we all know things may not " work out".

When I shared the story of being so annoyed by married guy, because I liked him and he manipulated me onto believing that he liked me too...someone on here said "you must have known". No, I didn't know until the instant he acted weird, and dropped the fake veil. Until that instant I thought I was on a magical,chemistry filled date with someone who was into me as much as I was into him. He was a sociopath... because he even looked different in that instant.everything about him was a carefully crafted lie. And then he turns it into blaming me" I thought you knew" how would I know? My girlfriend that met him thought he was single too.

What hurt me was to date someone for months who had big emotional issues, that were hidden from me. We all have issues, but his are huge and scary and he was dating basically as part of his therapy. I can see the clues in hindsight but at the time I thought we really had a shot.

So, whether it's jaded or just being sensible I don' take people at face value now.

@@OKCPirate

Oh I'm not playing victim, and I am not bitter, bored mostly. I am not playing innocent at all. I have specific needs and desires and I am not willing to compromise.

I just thought older men would be more together, and I am finding too many men that are in mid life crisis. There is nothing wrong with being in a mid life crisis or a bad place in your life. Just be self aware enough not to push that crap onto other people.

Most of these guys don't get far with me, I can weed them out usually before even meeting them.

I realized I was expecting to much to think that people who are trying to date are in a healthy mental place before making a dating profile.

This is why I stopped trying to meet new people for now. I don't have the time or energy weed through people and try ad gauge their true intentions. Time is precious and my free time right now is better spent focusing on making it to my WL goal.

We are women talking about dating men, and dating them online and how to screen them. I don't know what it is like to be a man and date online, I only know what is like from a female perspective.

There is some guy that posts on here about dating women when he is still married as hell and he gets less kick back than you just gave me.

Sorry the rant was harsh and sounded personal when I looked at it this morning. It was supposed to a generalization not a personal comment.

And I agree with Jane, sociopaths really knock your confidence meter off. It can happen to either sex and whatever the circumstances those people really make you nervous about everyone.

I

@@CowgirlJane ... for some reason I thought that the married guy you met was someone you had gone out with only once -- not for months.

EDIT: Or ... perhaps you're talking about two different guys. ?

2 different events separated by like 6 months. Marriee guy pissed me off but I had no commitment or investment.

The man I dated, I was invested. I am not upset it didn't work out, I am hurt because it never had a chance and I was led to believe otherwise. In that case, I don't think he even realizes it, and it is complicated but it ticks me off that therapists push people to online dating when they have other really big stuff to address. He was doing it because he is trying to pretend he is ok and ready to move on, but he isn't. He is obsessed with many things, one of them his ex wife. Now I know why she moved out of state. I see everything he said about her in a whole different light.. I haven't seen him since May but I recently revived my dating profile and he is monitoring me....he checks my profile every day or two. I don't think he is so invested at this point he will do anything or bother me but he has issues and owns a freaking arsenal and does taxidermy... there is a slight unease for me even after all this time. An intelligent, highly organized guy with money and mad survivalist skills who is paranoid and I would argue delusional is unleashed to the dating world thanks to the prodding of his therapist.

More than fear or unease, I felt hurt because I really thought it might work and I invested heavily from a time, energy and emotional point of view. My only real consolation is my friends were duped too, initially they all thought he was great too.

@@CowgirlJane ... for some reason I thought that the married guy you met was someone you had gone out with only once -- not for months.

EDIT: Or ... perhaps you're talking about two different guys. ?

I totally agree on therapists telling people to get out there and date. Is this a money making ploy? Send messed up people out into the world to mess up other people and maybe they come to you or a colleague? It seems so unprofessional and just bad advice. Dating is stressful for anyone, even someone together, it is worse for people with other unresolved issues. Why put more on their plate? I don't want to be involved in rehabbing some man. I already saved a dog, I have done my part for the universe.

@@CowgirlJane

Sounds like you were dating a Dexter in training.

I totally agree on therapists telling people to get out there and date. Is this a money making ploy? Send messed up people out into the world to mess up other people and maybe they come to you or a colleague? It seems so unprofessional and just bad advice. Dating is stressful for anyone, even someone together, it is worse for people with other unresolved issues. Why put more on their plate? I don't want to be involved in rehabbing some man. I already saved a dog, I have done my part for the universe.

Trust me, I know that dating is risky. But dating doesn't require a license or certification. Everyone gets to do it. Confident people, scared people, even loons.

And any therapist who suggests that their clients "get out there and take some risks" is fine by me.

It doesn't shock me that some of their clients are people I would want nothing to do with. On the other hand, I'm also in therapy.

BTW, there's nothing new about any of this: From "The Big Chill":

Meg: They're either married or gay. And if they're not gay, they've just broken up with the most wonderful woman in the world, or they've just broken up with a b***h who looks exactly like me. They're in transition from a monogamous relationship and they need more space. Or they're tired of space, but they just can't commit. Or they want to commit, but they're afraid to get close. They want to get close, and you don't want to get near them.

Sarah: It can't be that bad.

Meg: I don't know. I'm goin' easy. I've been out there dating for twenty years. I've gotten where I can tell in the first fifteen seconds if there's a chance in the world.

Sarah: Well, at least you're giving them a fair shot.

@@CowgirlJane (thanks for the compliment) and @@OutsideMatchInside -the laying down pic isn't one I use for online.

My jerk guy story: I dated a guy for a few months. He will would call me all times of day and night, was great conversationalist. We'd get together for Breakfast or lunch mostly as my kids were still around. Had THE most romantic date of walking in the park one afternoon. I had this gut feeling that something just wasn't quite "right". I broke things off. A friend did some digging for me and compiled a dossier....this azz wipe's wife was a DOCTOR! She was in residency, so she work d all kinds of weird hours. And I used to go to his job and everything!

What's makes this worse, my gf was dating this guy who KNEW all along that my azz wipe was married, and knew that if I knew I would not have dated him. Damn bro code...Worse, the azz wipe had started talking to another woman as things were winding down, and she Not only KNEW he was married, but also knew that I DIDN'T know! How screwed up is that?

I worked with guys most of my adult life, I could get a read fairly quickly...this one was just too bizarre.

Okay you win the asshat dating competition. What the hell is wrong with people? I am no prude but do people have ANY sense of what's decent and civilized?

This whole thread was about that book that I am kinda ...ehhh on. On thing he did say is why the heck do single people (women ) participate in the lying cheating affairs? I guess lots of women cheat too.. . So why not let them all just do whatever this crap is together?

I was pissed about wasting a night of dancing plus a dinner date on an effing cheater - I am not sure how I would have handled your asshat & company. It's probably just as well we don't find out...

@@CowgirlJane (thanks for the compliment) and @@OutsideMatchInside -the laying down pic isn't one I use for online.

My jerk guy story: I dated a guy for a few months. He will would call me all times of day and night, was great conversationalist. We'd get together for Breakfast or lunch mostly as my kids were still around. Had THE most romantic date of walking in the park one afternoon. I had this gut feeling that something just wasn't quite "right". I broke things off. A friend did some digging for me and compiled a dossier....this azz wipe's wife was a DOCTOR! She was in residency, so she work d all kinds of weird hours. And I used to go to his job and everything!

What's makes this worse, my gf was dating this guy who KNEW all along that my azz wipe was married, and knew that if I knew I would not have dated him. Damn bro code...Worse, the azz wipe had started talking to another woman as things were winding down, and she Not only KNEW he was married, but also knew that I DIDN'T know! How screwed up is that?

I worked with guys most of my adult life, I could get a read fairly quickly...this one was just too bizarre.

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