Afraid of the new me and losing who I am now...

[allyray 108]

Hey...as my date approaches, (June 8th), I am starting to think about how people will perceive me when I lose my weight...you know what I mean? I mean, I think I like how people treat me now...and that I'm in the shadows a bit... I've been reading obsessively from these boards, and it really scares me that I may be different after. This really does sound crazy as I'm typing it, but I don't want to be looked at differently.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I the only odd ball? lol

[SkinnyDown 409]

I understand what you mean. I think we will be different people in some ways. People will treat us differently. I'm looking forward to being treated like a regular human being. Honestly. Not like a sideshow circus freak, or like I have the plague. I'll look forward to NOT having mean people and young teenage boys yell horrible things about my fatness out of their windows, as they drive by. Or little kids remarking to their mom's about the fat lady. I've been made fun of my entire life.

But even though I am looking forward to all that....I still have family members who don't want me to have this surgery. They are afraid of what it will do to me. How it will change me. I'm not really sure what that means to them, change how? But I do know that what people should be seeing is a happier person, a person in a lot less pain, which means a lot less cranky and moody. A person who will be more free and able to move around more. Do more. That's the person I see. One of the reasons I am in the predicament I am is because I know I was protecting myself from men. That's what I am terrified of most...what if, after all this...a man likes me? Yikes...I'm working on that in therapy. You see I have never been average or thin. Ever. Well, maybe the first couple years of my life, but I don't remember that time. I have had some relationships, but not many, and I am extremely shy around men. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when and if I get to it. lol

Who do you see when you think of yourself in the future? And I guess we have to ask ourselves at some point, what does it matter what anyone else thinks of us, but ourselves? I think we will still at our cores, be us. But maybe better versions of us.

[Babbs 14,680]

It can be tough to deal with for sure. Even though I have been the size I am currently SEVERAL times in my life, I have noticed since my almost 70lb weight loss, I do get some "attention fatigue". I know when I'm going to see a client or friend I haven't seen since the loss, I have to deal with the "Wow! You look great! What did you do to lose the weight??"

Now I know to those of you who are new to the journey, that may sound silly. But you will understand it in time. Don't get me wrong, it's motivating and fun to have your weight loss acknowledged and noticed, but when you're used to hiding in the shadows like you said, the sometimes unwanted attention gets old.

On the other hand, I can't explain the amount of confidence you start to feel as the weight comes off. It really changes how you interact with others, and in turn I feel that others actually treat you better. It definitely is something that takes either professional help or just plain ol' moxy to deal with. It's part of the process that the doctors really never talk about for sure

[SkinnyDown 409]

Thanks so much @@Babbs for the insight. I've lost 100 lbs on my own before a few times, and yes you're right, people do ask, and start treating me differently. Although that was still not enough weight to make me look or feel average sized. I believe this surgery is going to make that goal of reaching a "normal" weight, a real possibility. Wow. The changes that are coming. LIke I said, except for the first 5 years of my life, I have never known (average, normal, skinny, thin) nothing in those categories. I better brace myself. LOL

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Allray, just my 2 cents worth, people DO look at you differently but in a "friendlier " way. I know its weird to think about, but Ive noticed that people approach me with a better, nicer attitude since loosing weight. I also pay much more attention to my appearance, making sure I have on nice clothes, and am well groomed. Never sloppy, or shabby or an "I give up attitude. " Because I send out the message that I respect and care for myself, people respond the same. ( And trust me, it ain't all bad ! ) You will be out of the shadows, so the more you send a message of self respect, the more respect you'll get from others. Good luck !!

[gowalking 10,790]

I understand what you mean. I think we will be different people in some ways. People will treat us differently. I'm looking forward to being treated like a regular human being. Honestly. Not like a sideshow circus freak, or like I have the plague. I'll look forward to NOT having mean people and young teenage boys yell horrible things about my fatness out of their windows, as they drive by. Or little kids remarking to their mom's about the fat lady. I've been made fun of my entire life.

But even though I am looking forward to all that....I still have family members who don't want me to have this surgery. They are afraid of what it will do to me. How it will change me. I'm not really sure what that means to them, change how? But I do know that what people should be seeing is a happier person, a person in a lot less pain, which means a lot less cranky and moody. A person who will be more free and able to move around more. Do more. That's the person I see. One of the reasons I am in the predicament I am is because I know I was protecting myself from men. That's what I am terrified of most...what if, after all this...a man likes me? Yikes...I'm working on that in therapy. You see I have never been average or thin. Ever. Well, maybe the first couple years of my life, but I don't remember that time. I have had some relationships, but not many, and I am extremely shy around men. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when and if I get to it. lol

Who do you see when you think of yourself in the future? And I guess we have to ask ourselves at some point, what does it matter what anyone else thinks of us, but ourselves? I think we will still at our cores, be us. But maybe better versions of us.

Great post Carol. Really great post. I started therapy when after losing about 75 lbs. I couldn't recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. I've gone through even more changes since then. I had my crumbling hips replaced and in time, was feeling like a normal person with normal mobility. This was an experience new to me after having mobility issues for years. Then it became all about the outside...suddenly wearing nicer clothing, makeup, changing my hairstyle...and yes...the other big change. I realized after some time that men were looking at me. Yes..I've been married and yes, I'd had other relationships. But nothing in a very long time and these days, I'm back in the dating world..with all those bad triggers out there that could derail my success.

So...to the therapist I go every Tuesday to work on the core behaviors that helped to make me obese in the first place and to learn how to not become obese again. One more thing to the OP...you will be a different person and people will treat you differently. Make sure you get help with this if you feel you need it. Nothing should stop you from your goal even if that is your own self.

Lastly...check out my before/after pic. Wouldn't you treat me or see me differently when you compare what I used to look like and what I look like now...and how my life has changed because of it?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I wasn't afraid of that in advance I was more focused on "survival" since my obesity was slowly killing me... however, i have experienced a big change in this area too.

After a bit of an adjustment i have to say i really really really like the new "me" and my new life. Perhaps you will too... think of it like the upheavals of your teen years turning you into a more settled adult. You might go through some upheavals after losing weight, most likely to settle into a healthier, more active, happier person when all is said and done.

[SkinnyDown 409]

@gowalking....wow. I am so impressed at your transformation. It's completely inspirational to me. I know the majority of the reason I am doing this is for health, but I truly do want to feel for once, that I am being treated with the same respect afforded most "average/normal" sized people in this world. I need that feeling.

I think of all of this as a big adventure. Not much is holding me back anymore. I even stopped smoking a year ago, so that no longer plays a part in my life, or stops me from travel or whatever I want to do. No longer will I have to ask for a seat belt extender, or see the disappointed face of the person next to me on a plane, because he/she knows I'm going to overflow into their personal space.

I see a therapist twice a month, and for many months we've been working on why I eat, what my triggers are, and how I got this way. Mind you, I have been big since I was very young, and we've worked out what we think is the most likely cause. I believe I gained weight to protect myself from men.

So now that I have that figured out and have done extensive work on that area, it's time to start thinking about what I am going to do when I do start getting attention from men. It's going to happen, it's not like it doesn't happen to me at this weight, it does. I imagine it will increase though, and that's going to be interesting to me, how I handle it.

Thanks for the great reply! Very insightful.

I personally would not treat you differently, but that's because I understand the shoes you were in. You were a beautiful woman and still are, from my perspective.

But believe me I know, from being out there in this world....just how differently I am treated. Sometimes people can't even keep their mouths shut and say the most demeaning and cruel things to me.

I even had a gf in college who was so livid at the fact that a guy she and I both liked, ended up getting together with me. Many years had gone by and it bothered her so much finally one day she looked at me and said...."Look at you, and look at me (her thin beautiful self), it's obvious who he should have chosen." I will never forget how hurt I was. I also will never forget the feeling I had that he did actually choose me over her, even though she was beautiful and thin, she was clearly ugly on the inside. I guess that guy chose the better of the two, me.

I know this...all the discrimination, the looks, the disgust I see on people's faces....

That's about to change.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@Babbs

And I get tired of the comments, because I just want to be "normal", and not constantly be reminded of what I WAS.

Maybe I'm just tired....

[pink dahlia 2,513]

All of the above , Amen ! Its a strange journey, thats for sure , but a journey Im SO glad I took. Finding myself again continues to be fun, and knowing for the most part I fit into "normal" just about everywhere is a reeeeeaaaalllyyyy good feeling !!! And after awhile, people forget that you were ever heavy, again part of the fun journey !!!!

[bewell 222]

Great topic!

I also had sheer terror and total anxiety my first 4 weeks after surgery. The changes for me were rapid but mostly I feared that I wouldn't be able to defend myself, or I'd be so tiny no one would see me. (of course I was still a big girl 250ish so it seemed totally crazy).

I got help from a therapist. Working on the feelings that were coming up because I literally could NOT eat over them. I had used food to push down those feelings for 50 years and not I physically could NOT eat when they came up.

It was an exciting time and also a scary time.

I can say it got a lot better for me after the 1st 2 months. I no longer have the terror and I work through the feelings of being smaller and sexual stuff as they come up.

For me, obesity allowed me to predict how people would perceive me. Fat, lazy, whatever. But never pretty, or sexual, or whatever. I hid behind the fat.

Today I feel good moving around in a smaller body. I'm feeling "girly" wearing earrings and caring how I look.

I do expect another round of feelings as i approach a "normal" size. I'm still a pretty big gal.

Best wishes to you. And congrats on noticing the feelings, that's how we get better. Recognizing what got us obese in the first place. And as many more experienced sleevers say here....we had surgery on our stomach not our head!

[parisshel 1,892]

People are much nicer to me now than at my starting weight. It is human nature for most people to respond positively to what they perceive as a pleasant aesthetic. That's just the way it is even if it is unfortunate.

Before, people would never hold doors open for me, or chat with me at the market, or (for delivery men at work) linger in the office. Now (and I'm far from my ideal weight, but more normal-looking than I was) I'm no longer (at the worst) scorned or (at best) invisible.

At my starting weight, I always had to "convince" any new person I was meeting that I was smart, competent, knew my area of expertise well, etc. I had to do this quickly before their ideas about what a fat person was took over and they tuned me out. I never realized how I had to gear up for this battle each and every day until I starting losing weight and people no longer dismissed me from the get-go.

My fat life was a hard life. I didn't really see how hard it was until I starting losing weight.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Just like pink dahlia, I did not lose myself, I found myself with my weight loss. I found the pre-heavy me who was fun and spontaneous, and I am not a part of the couch anymore. All of my changes have been for the better.

I was afraid that my boyfriend (Geeze that sounds so 8th grade - my gentleman companion hubbyman) was a chubby chaser and would reject a newer slimmer me.

But he has proven to be the best, supportive companion a girl could have. He loves the essence of the new playful me, regardless of what earthly container I ride around in.

[gowalking 10,790]

Hi Shel. How're you doing hon? Have your band issues settled down some?

[allyray 108]

Thank you for all your responses. I am carefully reading through each and one of them. I'll let you know how I am making out as I move ahead with this surgery in a couple if weeks!