Just feeling weirdly out of sorts. Not even sure why. I had a good experience at my rheumatologist today. I went for a cortisone shot in my knee, and I have not been there since April. The last time I was there, I weighed over 50 pounds more than I do today. So it was good to get the positive affirmations from his staff. It's also the first time that I only had a shot in one knee instead of both knees. But I don't know. Something weird happened to me when I got on the scale there. I have been weighing myself only on Sundays. I had a nice weight loss last week. I feel good this week, and I was sure I've lost some more. Sure enough, I'm 1 pound down since Sunday, at least according to the rheumatologist's office scale. Logically, it shouldn't even matter to me. Every scale is different, and hey, it's a loss, right? It's not like I could realistically expect 3 pounds down since Sunday right? So what's going on?

After the shot, I was excitedly telling the doctor about my trip to Italy this summer, which he was quite interested in. I told him how easy it was for me to walk all over the hills of Italy. Suddenly, he cut the conversation short, said goodbye, see you next time, and almost ran out of the room. Now, normally I would understand that obviously something outside of my appointment caught his attention and made him quickly move along. After all, he was finished with my procedure. And he is a very nice man. It's not like him to be rude. So why did I feel so unsettled?

I returned to my office and finished up my day at work, and came home to a bizarre supper. Celery sticks and hummus. Not too weird, but not exactly a full sit down meal. I just felt like eating a lot of vegetables. A lot. So I sat there and munched and crunched and munched and crunched for about 15 minutes. I never did get the stop signal. I'm pretty sure it's because celery just doesn't do that for me, and hummus is really a slider. So I actually had to tell myself to just stop eating.

None of this is very dramatic, and I have only eaten slightly over 1000 calories today, but I just feel so weirdly out of sorts.

It just occurred to me why I might have taken that emotional plunge in his office. I can't believe I forgot about this until just now as I type this, but I did tell him that I had a very stressful summer. I mentioned about filing for divorce, and that my arthritis went into a severe flare about a month after I moved out. I told him all of that because I have found that my joints have been reacting badly from time to time over the last couple of months. So seeing this written down in front of me now, I guess it's not a mystery anymore. I spoke of something very emotional during the appointment, moved on to get my knee injection, was happily chatting about Italy, and then was told "see ya" fairly abruptly.

What the hell. No wonder I wanted to eat.

So there you have it. I'm glad it was only celery and hummus. And still managed to stay under 1100 cal today.

And oh yeah, I'm down that pound. Woot woot.

I'm glad this board is here. It's a sounding board actually. In case you haven't noticed, I've been working on addressing my emotional eating triggers. You lucky bystanders you.

Post on sista!

Were we twins separated at birth? Even perceived rejection from the doctor can throw you off, yes? Oh brother do I understand the way your head works. Remember when I wrote about going on a date? Want to know the motivation behind this decision? It's so I can work on trying to not blame myself every time a date goes poorly, or I get a rejection online. I always blame myself....it's somehow my fault because I'm not good enough. I'm working on this now with the therapist. I keep saying over and over again that I cannot control how another person interacts with me and that I am worthy of being loved even if I never find a significant other.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I felt bad after something didn't go as I expected and my first thought was to eat the hurt away. This part of the process is in some ways even more critical than the surgery itself.

Hang in there my friend. You did fine today and did not go back to bad behaviors. You will be so proud of yourself tomorrow for not giving into the negative feelings.

Thank you both. Yes I really do believe this is the real work. I've lost almost all of my excess weight once before. But the hard part is learning new coping mechanisms. What you just said about finding rejection in everyday interactions -- yes. Wow. It even continued after I got home. Sheesh. I'm living with my mom. Today she greeted me with "do you think you can eat some of that food you keep buying, because it's filling up the fridge and there's no room for my regular food". Oh, you mean my hummus and celery? I perceived it as a rejection of me and my invasion of her home. I'm taking up too much space in her life. Just like I'm taking up too much time in my doctor's office. I got pretty snippy with her but I later apologized because I realized I came home in a pissy mood. So we bonded over reruns of Scandal for a couple of hours.

This head stuff is complicated.

First of all living with someone else, especially family is hard enough & maybe you hit on something he/she hits home for your Doc & maybe they didn't want to get emotional in front of you , but good for you eating your veggies & knowing when to stop.

Boy oh boy, I know this one -- the whole taking up of time and space, being "too big" in a way. So, when we were bigger we were taking up less of that kind of space -- offing ourselves? And the getting too personal, feeling judged. I find myself worrying over offending two different people this week. As I come further into my own this will be inevitable, I suppose. If I stand up for myself or elect what I want instead of meeting others' needs first, then there will be times when things don't line up. Yikes, disappointing some one? Well, I disappointed myself for years instead -- no more. And no tamping down those feelings with food so there they are, front and present.

It's great that you were able to really tune in and notice that you weren't getting a stop signal -- and that you chose healthy food to eat. As for the Wham Bam Thank You Mam, maybe the doctor felt like he got too personal and he pulled back for some reason of his own -- thoughts of Italy might have swept him away for a moment and he felt uncomfortable. The last two times I saw my Bariatric surgeon I found myself to be quite effusive -- I'm so excited, and being in that setting is a reminder of how far I've come. I think I blow them all away a bit, that I am an unusual person anyway, artist type, etc. Shy but then spurts of Not Shy. I look forward to being in situations where people are not comparing me to what I was like before, seeing me as a size change, etc. I want to be taken as I am.

Your posts are wonderful -- yes, lucky us for being on the sidelines.

Boy oh boy, I know this one -- the whole taking up of time and space, being "too big" in a way. So, when we were bigger we were taking up less of that kind of space -- offing ourselves? And the getting too personal, feeling judged. I find myself worrying over offending two different people this week. As I come further into my own this will be inevitable, I suppose. If I stand up for myself or elect what I want instead of meeting others' needs first, then there will be times when things don't line up. Yikes, disappointing some one? Well, I disappointed myself for years instead -- no more. And no tamping down those feelings with food so there they are, front and present.

It's great that you were able to really tune in and notice that you weren't getting a stop signal -- and that you chose healthy food to eat. As for the Wham Bam Thank You Mam, maybe the doctor felt like he got too personal and he pulled back for some reason of his own -- thoughts of Italy might have swept him away for a moment and he felt uncomfortable. The last two times I saw my Bariatric surgeon I found myself to be quite effusive -- I'm so excited, and being in that setting is a reminder of how far I've come. I think I blow them all away a bit, that I am an unusual person anyway, artist type, etc. Shy but then spurts of Not Shy. I look forward to being in situations where people are not comparing me to what I was like before, seeing me as a size change, etc. I want to be taken as I am.

Your posts are wonderful -- yes, lucky us for being on the sidelines.