Something is playing on my mind so I thought I'd just 'throw it out there' to the great and good on this site for discussion...

When I was big, I was repeatedly told in response to my insecure mutterings about my size; 'I never see your weight, Revs. You're just Revs. Always have been, always will be.' 'You have a big personality, Revs. That eclipses anything else. People see your character before they notice anything else.'

This has come in many forms and in various machinations. When done with love and delivered gently - its been from friends and family. With moderate, clumsy indifference and accompanied with the obligatory 'you have such a nice/pretty/beautiful/attractive (delete as appropriate) face' and lets not forget the 'You always dress really well and have amazing make-up'... (Subtext - your body is like the back end of a bus), its been from random colleagues and acquaintances.

So, when I was researching weight-loss options (this was over 10 years of dedicated YouTube, surgery website, academic journal perusing), I saw all these a-maz-ing transformations. People who had metamorphosed from looking like Sloth from the Goonies

into Demi Moore (in her heyday) and every shade of beautiful in between.

Consequently, when I had the surgery, I envisioned my kilo-losing metamorphosis. The egg, larva, pupa, to beautiful butterfly...

So here I am, a truck load of weight down and well, I haven't changed into the metaphorical butterfly I was hoping for. Don't get me wrong, this is not a pity-party or anything. I am elated with what I've achieved so far and before anyone bores me to tears with the 'but you've got a healthier you, that should be reward enough', line of tedium.....I wanted to look like Demi Moore GODDAMNNIT! <that's a joke btw and before anyone gets on a tip about 'loving who you are and not aspiring to look like someone else' in a yawn-fest, stating the obvious manner>

Now, I know miracles can't happen. You have what you've been given. I am VERY grateful for what I've been given, don't get me wrong. What I'm actually getting at is that there has not been the 'woooaaaah, you've changed' moment for me, as there have been for others. I go to my bariatric meeting and some people have had the 'Whoaaa' transformation. The Sloth to Demi moment. I, have not.

People of course recognise that I have shifted some weight and rarely acknowledge it - which is socially normal. But its like nothing has changed. Why?!

As the title suggests - should I be disappointed by this, flattered or just indifferent to it? Of course, I wanted a 'transformation' of sorts and have achieved that - of sorts. But were the utterances of others about my personality and face actually true all along and in fact, the only person who appeared to be bothered by my weight, or even noticed it, was, well, just me?!

By virtue of this, does it make the fact that I went through surgery ludicrous? Of course not, because (and I'm appealing to the health-freak tedious here), I have made myself more healthy. But really, all the long-held deep-seated and total misery about my weight - was it really only my problem all along?!

Who knows...

I am Revs. I have a personality. And everything else, despite this surgery, just appears to be, well, irrelevant!

<Omitting, of course, that my backside is considerably smaller and I can now buy the hottest clothes and the highest heels>

Anyone else had something similar? Anyone else after weight loss just been 'You' - but a 'lighter' version. 'You-Light', if you will!

Have your expectations matched reality both in physical, social and psychological terms?

Do, please tell! Looking forward to reading your thoughts... x

N.B I am hoping this will not become a 'before and after' photo opportunity thread, btw...... <The grumpy OP>

Yes.

One of the fantastic about the online community is that you can meet and discuss things with people without actually seeing them. The benefit is I have from post #1 thought you were a quirky, intelligent and sexy woman. This was prior to any photos. So did I "see" the "real" you or ?

Metaphysically speaking WHO are you anyways? Are you the body? Are you the mind? WHO are you? What makes you think you were not already beautiful just as you were? Was that you or You?

I have no answers for you other than I still think you are quirky, intelligent, and sexy.....regardless of your weight. I will grant you the lizard part of my mind is more on alert with your after photos, but this is just the body saying you are a hottie.

Anyways, sorry if I inserted too much reality here.

But really, all the long-held deep-seated and total misery about my weight - was it really only my problem all along?!

Crikey! That just made me blush! I don't normally do blushing! Thanks for the vote of confidence - sincerely

That Whoaaa moment? While I have not seen the total difference quite yet (down 90lbs), I have had friends that...shall we say were a little over supportive. I mean I was 312lbs. at 5'3 3/4". That's big, and by the time I'd lost 15 lbs. I started getting "OMG you look FANTASTIC! You must have dropped at least 2 sizes!!" ?? Really? My weight fluctuated near 10lbs. on a daily basis b****.

I was and still am very public about my surgery. The amount of support I have received is amazing, but at the same time Im over it, kind of. I feel like some of it is over dramatized. Every time I walk out of the door right now, I know Im going to be talking to someone about the surgery. And while Im not embarrassed about my surgery, I hate when someone starts talking loudly around complete strangers about it. It just irks me sometimes that people don't think some of those things through. I doubt they would like it if I started loudly talking about their colonoscopy with complete strangers around. I guess I feel like a spokesperson :/ I'm sure given a year a so when I've steadied, in weight, it will slow down with the ridiculous amount of (maybe fake?) compliments and questions. I do talk about the surgery because its new and it's what's going on in my life. That doesn't mean I want to hear how fat I was on a constant public basis.

Although, I think I have "inspired" one person to look into WLS for herself. That is awesome to know. Ok, I think Im done whining about my overbearing support now.

I suppose in this there's an element of good attention, bad attention and too much attention... Maybe in this, there are many reasons why no attention or indifference is a very good thing.. The jury is out!

I didn't read the entire thread, but maybe you didn't need a Whoa! moment, maybe you have always been beautiful?

Thank you - I wish!.. I was just hoping that on some level, I'd get affirmation for my own mind and my own insecurities, that I no longer look like the back-end-of-a-bus, like I'd always felt...

Your post reminded me of a re-occurring dream:

I have garnered the ability to fly with nothing but the power of my will.

I fly around friends, relatives, and strangers and they just look at me indifferently.

I am screaming in self promotion, "I can fly..I am unique...no one else can do this!"

No dice. Nobody cares. I am swamped by the feeling of frustration.

What I am missing in my dream is the sheer joy of flying. I have risen to a challenge that I had considered impossible. I am doing what I thought I could never do. But I am missing the joy of my new freedom to see the world from new perspectives because I waste my dream trying to get elevated approval from the earth bound.

Back into the conscious world, I have experienced this. My wife got the gastric bypass a short time before I got sleeved. Our weight loss was similar and we reached our goals.

We moved to Florida and met with relatives here. They went absolutely nuts about how great my wife looked...to me they just said, "Good for you." Mrs.Astounding Transformation and her husband, Chopped Liver. If I weren't the mature man that I am I would have been jealous but I was happy for her and didn't let it bother me.

Peoples is peoples.

Grab your joy where you can find it.

Your post is very much in line with the saying 'its not the destination, it's the journey'.. Which is absolutely correct.

This is not necessarily about self-promotion, however.. Its more to do with affirmation from somewhere, that I am no longer the back end of a bus and in particular, reconciling with how I viewed myself then and how I view myself now. Do I have the right to believe that I am no longer the horrendous blob I once was? Add to it the doubt thats been generated post my friends/family saying 'we never see your weight, we just see Revs' and the post weight loss tumbleweed around me, were the insecurities about my weight, really all in my head? As egotistical as it might seem (although that is not the intention) I need some form of feedback to confirm or deny all of it... and I know, this will probably only come from people who've known me the longest... I often find to gain greater clarity and appreciation of the now and of the future, you often have to look back. The analyst in me, I guess.

They don't identify me as "The Fat Girl" like I identify myself.

Do I ever hear this... That's exactly what it is for me.. I need a different lens with which to view myself. I guess I'm seeking permission to do that.... BOOM!

I can't wait to have my butterfly moment but I'm still me. Don't make me think less of you because you're a shallow person who only sees my weight loss (or gain). Madame, you are smoking hot regardless of the number on the scale - I think your group probably sees the overall hotness you exude. Just saying.

And this is it.. If they do they're damned, if they don't they're damned.. Either way, I need data (any data) to allow myself the permission to feel like the butterfly moment has happened within me.... and to also remedy and put into context the years of misery I'd piled onto myself for being big. Could I have avoided that all together? Did I waste many years feeling hateful towards myself - impacting upon my relationships, my career, and on and on it goes...

I have read through the entire 5 pages of this post with great interest. I too get what you are feeling, I think. I struggle to see a "Demi" transformation. It is like I went from Sloth to RuPaul. Why did I pick a drag queen to compare? Because under the wig and war paint (make up) and body shapers he is nothing but a skinny dude. I get compliments how I look now, out in public. People do notice a change. But it is a total and complete sham and I feel like a fraud. I go home, take off my wig and war paint and less fitting clothes and I am no Demi. I see an old woman. Things dangle and jiggle. I have scars. I have aged. I love being thinner for every health benefit imaginable. But I have to work a lot harder now to be "passable". I am not a natural beauty. I would never say I was, but I was ok. Now I am not. I am so self conscience now, and I never imagined this. I thought fat was the worst thing. But this is running close to it. Anyway I think I went off on a tangent here. I guess the thing is I do have some who have noticed. Wasn't until I was down nearly 60lbs before that happened. And I know I have a lot more to go to be near or at goal. I have had to realize I am no longer in my twenties. ( although my mind has issue with that fact) I am not going to look like those who are. No matter how thin I get I won't be a Demi. ( unless I win a lottery and get LOTS of plastics and a hair transplant) I sit and think " I haven't been this size in about 15 years", but it isn't as I had hoped. Because I put my body through the wringer with the fat in those fifteen years. It is a whole lot different coming down than it was going up. And I am fifteen years older, that won't change either. It is hard to put what I mean into words. I think it boils down to expectations. Pre op my expectations were different than where I am at now. I had the dream, believed the fantasy. I saw all the amazing before and after pics and wanted that for me. Now, I just hope to lose as much as I can to be healthier. And maybe, just maybe, I can hope for a older Demi moment! LOL

I have read through the entire 5 pages of this post with great interest. I too get what you are feeling, I think. I struggle to see a "Demi" transformation. It is like I went from Sloth to RuPaul. Why did I pick a drag queen to compare? Because under the wig and war paint (make up) and body shapers he is nothing but a skinny dude. I get compliments how I look now, out in public. People do notice a change. But it is a total and complete sham and I feel like a fraud. I go home, take off my wig and war paint and less fitting clothes and I am no Demi. I see an old woman. Things dangle and jiggle. I have scars. I have aged. I love being thinner for every health benefit imaginable. But I have to work a lot harder now to be "passable". I am not a natural beauty. I would never say I was, but I was ok. Now I am not. I am so self conscience now, and I never imagined this. I thought fat was the worst thing. But this is running close to it. Anyway I think I went off on a tangent here. I guess the thing is I do have some who have noticed. Wasn't until I was down nearly 60lbs before that happened. And I know I have a lot more to go to be near or at goal. I have had to realize I am no longer in my twenties. ( although my mind has issue with that fact) I am not going to look like those who are. No matter how thin I get I won't be a Demi. ( unless I win a lottery and get LOTS of plastics and a hair transplant) I sit and think " I haven't been this size in about 15 years", but it isn't as I had hoped. Because I put my body through the wringer with the fat in those fifteen years. It is a whole lot different coming down than it was going up. And I am fifteen years older, that won't change either. It is hard to put what I mean into words. I think it boils down to expectations. Pre op my expectations were different than where I am at now. I had the dream, believed the fantasy. I saw all the amazing before and after pics and wanted that for me. Now, I just hope to lose as much as I can to be healthier. And maybe, just maybe, I can hope for a older Demi moment! LOL

I hear ya.. I knew I wouldn't look like Demi at the end of it, because of the age, the weight, the stress on my body... But was maybe lusting after a 'butterfly-like' reveal. Or even, just a change in the positive that was noticeable and allowed me to rationalise the years of misery...versus where I am now.. and allow me to 'celebrate' and congratulate myself for my efforts and results. As it stands, I feel like I cant be happy for what I have until, almost, someone lets off the starting pistol?!

In short, I should care less about what people think and be happy with my smaller bottom.

I do find myself looking at my face like it's not my own. My face slimmed down very quickly - I had to reintroduce myself to my jawline, which I haven't seen in many, many years.

I saw one of your pics and I think you might have some body image issues. Don't we all?

You look beautiful even with blurred out eyes.

You realize even Demi Moore doesn't look like Demi Moore right? She has had so much plastic surgery and Botox, and then there's photoshop to help her look shiny and new.

I think the deal is it's in your head and you thought losing weight would make your head issues go away. But I think Demi Moore probably frets about aging and her body, or else she wouldn't have plastic surgery and Botox.

Before and after pics:

http://www.slideshare.net/techblogshare/demi-moore-plastic-surgery-before-and-after-photos

some amazing stories here...read thru it all..

I don't think I've had my "butterfly moment" yet either (love that term)... my (now) husband knew me FAT and didn't care, just wanted me to be healthy... he makes cute comments every now and again, but I could tell he always loved me; he has been my best advocate.

I don't see many people, or have a lot of friends here...always been a bit introverted; in the office, it took over 50 pounds before ANYONE said a word...and I can count on one hand the number of people here that have commented at all... but we sit behind big walls in a call center all day long (which added to my S P R E A D). I have RA so I could barely move, felt like JABBA... now I can move and do regular walking without my cane or walker...so that's awesome; however, I don't feel all that much different about ME, if I was to be honest... I have been thinking of treating myself to a hair salon day to add color and maybe a make-over someplace just to feel pretty for a day... I haven't given myself much attention in a long time (especially working in a call center where you see NO ONE)... but I think it's time I think about ME ME ME for a change

I saw my sisters in September and they barely commented about the loss; which made me a little sad in retrospect... they knew I had the surgery, but still...give me a W H O A!!! I agree!

So my cheerleader remains my husband, and I'm ok with that, as long as he sees me as beautiful that's all that really matters; and I will work on seeing myself, at least, pretty...

We have a vacation coming up next month; he earned a trip for the two of us on a cruise, so there will be a LOT of picture taking...and this time, I may actually let people take my picture... which is a huge change for me right there...

I guess we have to be happy with our internal selves and not care about what others think, but heck fire, man...this is AMERICA, of course we care about what others think!!! LOL

I am healthier and definately, happier than I have been in a long time, to be able to do normal things for me is a huge step forward (literally and figuratively), since I needed a walker a little over a year ago, just to go down the hall to the bathroom!!!

I look in the mirror and I see my mother as well, don't know if that's good or bad...but I noticed that I feel I look like her now...

I may never reach the full butterfly effect as I prefer things warm and cozy in my cocoon... but I may break out soon, just to feel the sunlight on my face!!!

You are a beautiful person, Rev... I believe in you.... go get 'em girl!

Edited February 13, 201412 yr by BigGirlPanties

I saw one of your pics and I think you might have some body image issues. Don't we all?

You look beautiful even with blurred out eyes.

You realize even Demi Moore doesn't look like Demi Moore right? She has had so much plastic surgery and Botox, and then there's photoshop to help her look shiny and new.

I think the deal is it's in your head and you thought losing weight would make your head issues go away. But I think Demi Moore probably frets about aging and her body, or else she wouldn't have plastic surgery and Botox.

Before and after pics:

http://www.slideshare.net/techblogshare/demi-moore-plastic-surgery-before-and-after-photos

Aww, bless you. Thanks. The Demi Moore thing was metaphorical, to be fair. To evince the difference between 'Sloth' from the Goonies and something considered 'beautful' and 'butterfly' like. I think we all know she's been 'enhanced' to the maximum and thats not a path I'd take.. But, i'd kill for her hair!

As for the body issues. Yes, clearly have a ton of them. Where's my fairy with its magic wand?!

some amazing stories here...read thru it all..

I don't think I've had my "butterfly moment" yet either (love that term)... my (now) husband knew me FAT and didn't care, just wanted me to be healthy... he makes cute comments every now and again, but I could tell he always loved me; he has been my best advocate.

I don't see many people, have a lot of friends here...always been a bit introverted; in the office, it took over 50 pounds before ANYONE said a word...and I can count on one hand the number of people here that have commented at all... but we sit behind big walls in a call center all day long (which added to my S P R E A D). I have RA so I could barely move, felt like JABBA... now I can move and do regular walking without my cane or walker...so that's awesome; however, I don't feel all that much different about ME, if I was to be honest... I have been thinking of treating myself to a hair salon day to add color and maybe a make-over someplace just to feel pretty for a day... I haven't given myself much attention in a long time (especially working in a call center where you see NO ONE)... but I think it's time I think about ME ME ME for a change

I saw my sisters in September and they barely commented about the loss; which made me a little sad in retrospect... they knew I had the surgery, but still...give me a W H O A!!! I agree!

So my cheerleader remains my husband, and I'm ok with that, as long as he sees me as beautiful that's all that really matters; and I will work on seeing myself, at least, pretty...

We have a vacation coming up next month; he earned a trip for the two of us on a cruise, so there will be a LOT of picture taking...and this time, I may actually let people take my picture... which is a huge change for me right there...

I guess we have to be happy with our internal selves and not care about what others think, but heck fire, man...this is AMERICA, of course we care about what others think!!! LOL

I am healthier and definately, happier than I have been in a long time, to be able to do normal things for me is a huge step forward (literally and figuratively), since I needed a walker a little over a year ago, just to go down the hall to the bathroom!!!

I look in the mirror and I see my mother as well, don't know if that's good or bad...but I noticed that I feel I look like her now...

I may never reach the full butterfly effect as I prefer things warm and cozy in my cocoon... but I may break out soon, just to feel the sunlight on my face!!!

You are a beautiful person, Rev... I believe in you.... go get 'em girl!

Babe, you've got it bang on! Thank you for sharing my path with me x

Honestly when I lose weight it makes me uncomfortable when people comment.

And I don't say anything to other people who lose weight because I think it's rude. Because seriously what if the reason they are losing weight is because they have cancer?

I think a lot if people take it like "oh so I didn't look good before huh?"

I just marched right into the office and said " wtf, people!, I've lost a boat load of weight and you people better start acknowledging it". Turns out they DID notice , but they were afraid to speak up about it! They thought by doing so, they'd be reminding me that I was fat....as if I'd forgotten

So, I think in order to experience that BIG REVEAL, one would need to walk in to the perfect storm of a situation. A setting where not only has this audience not laid eyes on you for some time, but also a bunch that is not afraid of/ intimidated by you (as they were in my case)