Something is playing on my mind so I thought I'd just 'throw it out there' to the great and good on this site for discussion...

When I was big, I was repeatedly told in response to my insecure mutterings about my size; 'I never see your weight, Revs. You're just Revs. Always have been, always will be.' 'You have a big personality, Revs. That eclipses anything else. People see your character before they notice anything else.'

This has come in many forms and in various machinations. When done with love and delivered gently - its been from friends and family. With moderate, clumsy indifference and accompanied with the obligatory 'you have such a nice/pretty/beautiful/attractive (delete as appropriate) face' and lets not forget the 'You always dress really well and have amazing make-up'... (Subtext - your body is like the back end of a bus), its been from random colleagues and acquaintances.

So, when I was researching weight-loss options (this was over 10 years of dedicated YouTube, surgery website, academic journal perusing), I saw all these a-maz-ing transformations. People who had metamorphosed from looking like Sloth from the Goonies

into Demi Moore (in her heyday) and every shade of beautiful in between.

Consequently, when I had the surgery, I envisioned my kilo-losing metamorphosis. The egg, larva, pupa, to beautiful butterfly...

So here I am, a truck load of weight down and well, I haven't changed into the metaphorical butterfly I was hoping for. Don't get me wrong, this is not a pity-party or anything. I am elated with what I've achieved so far and before anyone bores me to tears with the 'but you've got a healthier you, that should be reward enough', line of tedium.....I wanted to look like Demi Moore GODDAMNNIT! <that's a joke btw and before anyone gets on a tip about 'loving who you are and not aspiring to look like someone else' in a yawn-fest, stating the obvious manner>

Now, I know miracles can't happen. You have what you've been given. I am VERY grateful for what I've been given, don't get me wrong. What I'm actually getting at is that there has not been the 'woooaaaah, you've changed' moment for me, as there have been for others. I go to my bariatric meeting and some people have had the 'Whoaaa' transformation. The Sloth to Demi moment. I, have not.

People of course recognise that I have shifted some weight and rarely acknowledge it - which is socially normal. But its like nothing has changed. Why?!

As the title suggests - should I be disappointed by this, flattered or just indifferent to it? Of course, I wanted a 'transformation' of sorts and have achieved that - of sorts. But were the utterances of others about my personality and face actually true all along and in fact, the only person who appeared to be bothered by my weight, or even noticed it, was, well, just me?!

By virtue of this, does it make the fact that I went through surgery ludicrous? Of course not, because (and I'm appealing to the health-freak tedious here), I have made myself more healthy. But really, all the long-held deep-seated and total misery about my weight - was it really only my problem all along?!

Who knows...

I am Revs. I have a personality. And everything else, despite this surgery, just appears to be, well, irrelevant!

<Omitting, of course, that my backside is considerably smaller and I can now buy the hottest clothes and the highest heels>

Anyone else had something similar? Anyone else after weight loss just been 'You' - but a 'lighter' version. 'You-Light', if you will!

Have your expectations matched reality both in physical, social and psychological terms?

Do, please tell! Looking forward to reading your thoughts... x

N.B I am hoping this will not become a 'before and after' photo opportunity thread, btw...... <The grumpy OP>

I love your humor! You put into words what I have definitely been feeling. I think for me it's funny when people say, "Oh, did you get your hair cut?" or, "Is that a new outfit?" because they can't quite put their finger on what's different. And no one wants to say anything about your weight because they'd be embarrassed if you said you hadn't lost any. So when people call out a non-descript change in me I just let them go on guessing. I haven't changed that much but enough for people to notice. My huge belly is reduced and that helps a lot. People who know I had the surgery are forever asking me how much I've lost which gets exhausting. And, they want to know what I can or can't eat all the time. Seriously people, you've never been this interested in my eating habits before - why now? It's an interesting journey we're all on and I love that we can share it with each other. I like having a somewhat anonymous forum with people who are a lot like me.

I didn't read the entire thread, but maybe you didn't need a Whoa! moment, maybe you have always been beautiful?

You mean I'm not going to wake up one morning with Sandra Bullock's body in Gravity? Ah man.

I had to laugh when i read this. I think that moment happed when I was 14 and my body looked good in boyshorts, but I can dream damn it.

Although I noticed the loss and people would say nice things it didn't click with me until just this week - almost 10 months out. I came home and my son comes running down the hallway and suddenly stopped. He just looked at me and said wow you are skinny! Best thing ever - for my almost 7 year old to notice it so spontaneously. I had stalled for two months and just now lost five pounds - but those are the five pounds that pushed my body out of its normal comfort zone - where it has always liked to settle over the last 15-20 years....I could never lose more than that - now I have - and I get it - I feel it - and it is awesome!!!

Your post reminded me of a re-occurring dream:

I have garnered the ability to fly with nothing but the power of my will.

I fly around friends, relatives, and strangers and they just look at me indifferently.

I am screaming in self promotion, "I can fly..I am unique...no one else can do this!"

No dice. Nobody cares. I am swamped by the feeling of frustration.

What I am missing in my dream is the sheer joy of flying. I have risen to a challenge that I had considered impossible. I am doing what I thought I could never do. But I am missing the joy of my new freedom to see the world from new perspectives because I waste my dream trying to get elevated approval from the earth bound.

Back into the conscious world, I have experienced this. My wife got the gastric bypass a short time before I got sleeved. Our weight loss was similar and we reached our goals.

We moved to Florida and met with relatives here. They went absolutely nuts about how great my wife looked...to me they just said, "Good for you." Mrs.Astounding Transformation and her husband, Chopped Liver. If I weren't the mature man that I am I would have been jealous but I was happy for her and didn't let it bother me.

Peoples is peoples.

Grab your joy where you can find it.

Edited February 11, 201412 yr by gmanbat

OMG gmanbat u both look absolutely fantastic! U look so much happier and younger!! Well done! It must be amazing for you to have done this journey together . Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!

I think this is interesting - I had to lose 50 pounds before anyone said anything about my weight loss. OMG - 50 pounds before I got an "Atta girl" from someone other than the 5 people that know I had weight loss surgery.

I was actually quite upset at my brothers and their families for not saying anything at Christmas time about my weight loss. Then I got to thinking - I'm more than my weight to them. I'm their sister, sister-in-law, crazy aunt, etc. They don't identify me as "The Fat Girl" like I identify myself. It takes me back to a comment my (skinny) brother said about 5 years ago when I told him I'm trying to lose weight...He said, "Why?" I was like, "You've seen me, right?"

I can tell things are changing from an internal perspective - I was on vacation recently and went to a restaurant where you have to maneuver around many tables to get to your seat. 50 pounds ago, I hated that place. Now, I glide in between people to and maneuver around like it's no body's business. I have no qualms about slipping in between chairs and tables. We sat down and my husband looked at me and said, "I like the new you!" I looked at him quizzically. He said, "Your more adventurous and you're happy." WOW.

I also found myself striking up conversations with people I don't know. Wow, that's the old-old me - like from my 20's and about 100 pounds ago!

I kind of like the new me, too!

Your post reminded me of a re-occurring dream:

I have garnered the ability to fly with nothing but the power of my will.

I fly around friends, relatives, and strangers and they just look at me indifferently.

I am screaming in self promotion, "I can fly..I am unique...no one else can do this!"

No dice. Nobody cares. I am swamped by the feeling of frustration.

*******What I am missing in my dream is the sheer joy of flying.******

Amen, Preacher Man. Amen. This is why I luuuuuuuuuuuv you.

Edited February 12, 201412 yr by LipstickLady

That Whoaaa moment? While I have not seen the total difference quite yet (down 90lbs), I have had friends that...shall we say were a little over supportive. I mean I was 312lbs. at 5'3 3/4". That's big, and by the time I'd lost 15 lbs. I started getting "OMG you look FANTASTIC! You must have dropped at least 2 sizes!!" ?? Really? My weight fluctuated near 10lbs. on a daily basis b****. I was and still am very public about my surgery. The amount of support I have received is amazing, but at the same time Im over it, kind of. I feel like some of it is over dramatized. Every time I walk out of the door right now, I know Im going to be talking to someone about the surgery. And while Im not embarrassed about my surgery, I hate when someone starts talking loudly around complete strangers about it. It just irks me sometimes that people don't think some of those things through. I doubt they would like it if I started loudly talking about their colonoscopy with complete strangers around. I guess I feel like a spokesperson :/ I'm sure given a year a so when I've steadied, in weight, it will slow down with the ridiculous amount of (maybe fake?) compliments and questions. I do talk about the surgery because its new and it's what's going on in my life. That doesn't mean I want to hear how fat I was on a constant public basis. Although, I think I have "inspired" one person to look into WLS for herself. That is awesome to know. Ok, I think Im done whining about my overbearing support now.

You just hit the nail. This is exactly why I'm not fully going "out". I can deflect a certain amount of unsolicited comments, but after a while, it's a distraction and becomes exhausting. When I lost 40 pounds (was only 30 from goal) many years ago I felt like I was under a microscope. I work in a hospital. One of the housekeepers made a comment EVERY SINGLE DAY. She was a bit "simple" and loved to talk. She was one of those people you'd want to avoid in a crowded waiting room. She'd go on and on and on about my weight loss. I didn't even know her name. We weren't even acquaintances. It drove me nuts. Anyway, your posts nailed it. It's about authenticity. I can't wait to have my butterfly moment but I'm still me. Don't make me think less of you because you're a shallow person who only sees my weight loss (or gain). Madame, you are smoking hot regardless of the number on the scale - I think your group probably sees the overall hotness you exude. Just saying.

Your post reminded me of a re-occurring dream: I have garnered the ability to fly with nothing but the power of my will. I fly around friends, relatives, and strangers and they just look at me indifferently. I am screaming in self promotion, "I can fly..I am unique...no one else can do this!" No dice. Nobody cares. I am swamped by the feeling of frustration. What I am missing in my dream is the sheer joy of flying. I have risen to a challenge that I had considered impossible. I am doing what I thought I could never do. But I am missing the joy of my new freedom to see the world from new perspectives because I waste my dream trying to get elevated approval from the earth bound. Back into the conscious world, I have experienced this. My wife got the gastric bypass a short time before I got sleeved. Our weight loss was similar and we reached our goals. We moved to Florida and met with relatives here. They went absolutely nuts about how great my wife looked...to me they just said, "Good for you." Mrs.Astounding Transformation and her husband, Chopped Liver. If I weren't the mature man that I am I would have been jealous but I was happy for her and didn't let it bother me. Peoples is peoples. Grab your joy where you can find it.

GMan - I love your posts. I really do. This is one of my all time favorites!

I have been feeling the same thing lately at work...I expect someone/anyone to say something...Hey people! I am down 65 pounds!!! But...another day goes by and nothing...zip. I then have to realize I see these people every day...I need to make plans to visit out of town family to get my ego boost!! SOON!!!

I have noticed that a lot of surgery candidates just don't do anything with their hair, make up or try to wear nice clothes. So they go from wearing t shirts, with blah hair, no make up and a look on their face like "please don't take my picture" to wearing hot clothes, cute jewelry, great stylish hair, great make up, getting teeth whitened, tanning, and smiling hugely. You sound like you already took pains to look polished and hot so you aren't going to have that same difference in the after pics.

Edited February 12, 201412 yr by Loveit2012

Rev's..you know my story! When I came home from the hospital and had dropped 90+ lbs. i made my way into the bathroom because that was the first time I had seen myself in over 5 months. No one told me how I looked and no one prepared me for the change that had occurred in me.

I looked in the mirror and could not believe the person that stood there. She was old. Frail. Hairless. Wrinkled and could barely stand up. Needed to use my walker still at this point. Looking back at me was my 80 year old mother. My mother was a striking woman in her younger years but as age happens to us all she changed.

There I was Rev's looking like she did now. It was one of the most painful things I have ever encountered. I had hoped when I did this that it would be so gradual that I would not be different. that it would not make me look old, or my age....

But it did..And i cried about it for weeks and weeks and weeks and wondered if I would ever get over how I looked then....Since then another several lbs. have gone missing and I still see myself as I did in that mirror that day..........I would give anything to not have made a complete transformation...

As I have said it was so dramatic that no one knows me and so therefore I never get the wow factor. And never will because of how it all came out.....

Be glad it was not so dramatic in your mind Rev's. Be glad that you had friends and family that did not notice a huge difference....

Me...I live with the difference every day. I will never see myself different then what I saw in the mirror that day...It has stuck with me like a coat of metal over me.....

I am just trying to make the best of it for all of us..they worry so much about me and my mind set....So i pretend it is all good most of the time!!!!!!!!!

I know it's all about your own perception.. But you're looking pretty bloody fabulous to me, RJ! x

my face seemed to be the last ting that would drop in weight every time.

so for the longest time I still looked the same from the neck up never really noticed the difference as I personally don't own a full length mirror lol

to look at myself fully I have to go to my sister.

every now and again I noticed the face but it honestly took over a year and looking back over that year to be like oh that's different!

now that being said I am in total 222lbs smaller to date and I get less attention now than I did at 350lbs or 380lbs 400lbs and 425lbs it was interesting and very very odd.

not shy never have been used to attention when I go out so to be in a group on a night out and completely overlooked the whole time (not that I am looking but you know um hello!) is like what the hell?!?!

I say as a joke but really do mean it "oh I am just another skinny girl now and I don't even have massive boobs any more!"

its drummed into us on all fronts skinny is better/beautiful/what everyone wants/looking for, so when you become "skinny" and your not (or don't feel like one anyway 24/7) a supermodel with everyone saying wow and falling at your feet its like your robbed a little.

don't think I had my butterfly moment either always had sharp features they just got lost when I went over 380lbs.

I hear ya. I don't want people to fall over me.. Just to recognise a difference.. Any difference would be good!

It's funny isn't it? Some people tell me I'm getting too skinny, yeah right (still in a 12-14), others say they can see a small difference. I've lost 59lbs and when I show a before pic then it's like WOW! I think that I had gotten to a point before vsg that I just didn't care so now that I do care I feel fat and gross. Wtf am I supposed to do with that? I guess I expected to look the way I used to, even though I knew I wouldn't, so now the way I look is a constant disappointment to me. I mean, I know compared to how I looked at 250lbs that I look great now, to others, but I just see a middle aged woman with saggy skin and some old grandmother's boobs that looks nothing like what I should look like. Ahhh

Take comfort in the fact there has been some sort of reaction - any reaction. No one has said a dickie-bird to me! As for how you perceive yourself.. I hear ya. I don't recognise who my bosom belongs to... They cant be mine? Surely?!