self sabatauge....

[DylanRae 71]

I am ashamed to admit it, But I am clearly self sabotaging.

A little back story.

For the last three years I have been educating myself about all the W.L.S. options out there. I have now decided that the sleeve is for me. So in December I contact my doctor. My doctor sends a referral out to the barbaric clinic. I find out that I don't qualify because I do not have some sort of weight dependent disorder/disease/diagnosis. But before I am officially denied, I learn that I am "pre-Diabetes". Along with this, my joint problems have only gotten worse, and there is more and more symptoms leading us to believe that I am on the fast track to sleep apnea. Also, now that I am "Pre-Diabetes" There is this more focused thought about how to keep me from actually getting diabetes. Frankly I am surprised I don't already have it. All the women on my mom's side of the family have it, and have had it since their late teens.

I am 22, almost 23. I am 5'3" at 265 pounds, with a BMI of about 46.... My symptoms are getting worse, and all I want to do is have the surgery so that I can truly do what every doctor I have ever had has told me to do... "lose weight".

Now along with all of this, of course I have unsuccessfully attempted several types of diets. But more so, in the last three years I have completely changed my normal food intake.. I don't like to call it a diet, because it is more then that. I literally changed everything I did about eating.

I have not had a soda, or any kind of carbonated drink in over 2 years. I have only eaten the most expensive, all natural and organic fruits, veggies, AND meats. I have not had bread or any sort of wheat product in over a year. I have forgotten what ice cream and other desert like foods taste like. I rarely have any sort of dairy at all. And when ever I am hungry, I drink a full Water bottle.. (of filtered water), before deciding to have a snack or meal.

I have not only changed my eating habits, but I have changed other intake habits as well. I stopped smoking cigarettes over two years ago, and weed even longer then that. Binge drinking or drinking till I am tipsy is a thing of the past, I have spent the last two new years 100% sober and LOVE IT! If I drink now, it is sharing an Angry Orchard with my dinner mate.

Yes, all of this and I am still not losing any weight. And yet I still get a Kidney stone last winter because I have to much OR not enough Calcium, my doctor does not know which. Yes I needed surgery to get it removed. Need I remind you that I am 22 years old. On top of this, I have a medium case of PCOS. I don't ever have periods, and I need to take tweezers to my chin at least once a week. I completely shave my bellybutton in the shower. My current form of birth control is the Implinon... the little match stick thing that they stick in your arm. I have had this for about three months now. Before that I had an IUD, I had that for a whole two years until it completely disappeared. Yes x-rays, cat scans and all sorts of different ultrasounds where done to confirm that this IUD was for sure MIA. Before that I had the Nuva Ring, which I really liked because I could control when I had a period very precisely. But since I was smoking at the time, they advices me to take something that has less of a risk of blood clots.

So here I am, now waiting for my appeal to my denial, be approved. I got a letter in the mail last week telling me that they needed an additional 30 days to consider my case. After talking with several nurses and doctors, literally the only thing holding back an automatic yes, is the fact that I am not diabetic. Apparently pre-diabetic does not count.

This is where the shame and self sabotage comes in. In the last two weeks, since my appeal was sent in, I have been eating things I know I should not eat, things that I have not eaten in years, and eating LARGE amounts of it. If I am really that close to being diabetic, why not take the next month to tear the shit out of my body, so that I can get this stupid approval and then be on the road to a healthy happy life??

The biggest downside.. is that as I eat the half gallon of ice cream, I remember all the "pleasure" it use to give me. This is bad. As I eat a turkey sandwich on White .99 cent bread, I am anticipating making and eating two more. I am simply just so angry that I am trying to do everything I can to save my own life. To avoid losing my eye sight and 6 toes like my grand mother, and take action now, and the doctors are still fighting me with this! Its another case of, "just loose the weight" If only it where that easy!!!! GRRRRRRR!!

Am I in the wrong for wanting to push my health for the worst just to be approved for surgery? What can I do instead to help my chances of being approved? Have you found yourself in a similar situation???

[TriciaC. 11]

I am ashamed to admit it, But I am clearly self sabotaging.

A little back story.

For the last three years I have been educating myself about all the W.L.S. options out there. I have now decided that the sleeve is for me. So in December I contact my doctor. My doctor sends a referral out to the barbaric clinic. I find out that I don't qualify because I do not have some sort of weight dependent disorder/disease/diagnosis. But before I am officially denied, I learn that I am "pre-Diabetes". Along with this, my joint problems have only gotten worse, and there is more and more symptoms leading us to believe that I am on the fast track to sleep apnea. Also, now that I am "Pre-Diabetes" There is this more focused thought about how to keep me from actually getting diabetes. Frankly I am surprised I don't already have it. All the women on my mom's side of the family have it, and have had it since their late teens.

I am 22, almost 23. I am 5'3" at 265 pounds, with a BMI of about 46.... My symptoms are getting worse, and all I want to do is have the surgery so that I can truly do what every doctor I have ever had has told me to do... "lose weight".

Now along with all of this, of course I have unsuccessfully attempted several types of diets. But more so, in the last three years I have completely changed my normal food intake.. I don't like to call it a diet, because it is more then that. I literally changed everything I did about eating.

I have not had a soda, or any kind of carbonated drink in over 2 years. I have only eaten the most expensive, all natural and organic fruits, veggies, AND meats. I have not had bread or any sort of wheat product in over a year. I have forgotten what ice cream and other desert like foods taste like. I rarely have any sort of dairy at all. And when ever I am hungry, I drink a full Water bottle.. (of filtered water), before deciding to have a snack or meal.

I have not only changed my eating habits, but I have changed other intake habits as well. I stopped smoking cigarettes over two years ago, and weed even longer then that. Binge drinking or drinking till I am tipsy is a thing of the past, I have spent the last two new years 100% sober and LOVE IT! If I drink now, it is sharing an Angry Orchard with my dinner mate.

Yes, all of this and I am still not losing any weight. And yet I still get a Kidney stone last winter because I have to much OR not enough Calcium, my doctor does not know which. Yes I needed surgery to get it removed. Need I remind you that I am 22 years old. On top of this, I have a medium case of PCOS. I don't ever have periods, and I need to take tweezers to my chin at least once a week. I completely shave my bellybutton in the shower. My current form of birth control is the Implinon... the little match stick thing that they stick in your arm. I have had this for about three months now. Before that I had an IUD, I had that for a whole two years until it completely disappeared. Yes x-rays, cat scans and all sorts of different ultrasounds where done to confirm that this IUD was for sure MIA. Before that I had the Nuva Ring, which I really liked because I could control when I had a period very precisely. But since I was smoking at the time, they advices me to take something that has less of a risk of blood clots.

So here I am, now waiting for my appeal to my denial, be approved. I got a letter in the mail last week telling me that they needed an additional 30 days to consider my case. After talking with several nurses and doctors, literally the only thing holding back an automatic yes, is the fact that I am not diabetic. Apparently pre-diabetic does not count.

This is where the shame and self sabotage comes in. In the last two weeks, since my appeal was sent in, I have been eating things I know I should not eat, things that I have not eaten in years, and eating LARGE amounts of it. If I am really that close to being diabetic, why not take the next month to tear the **** out of my body, so that I can get this stupid approval and then be on the road to a healthy happy life??

The biggest downside.. is that as I eat the half gallon of ice cream, I remember all the "pleasure" it use to give me. This is bad. As I eat a turkey sandwich on White .99 cent bread, I am anticipating making and eating two more. I am simply just so angry that I am trying to do everything I can to save my own life. To avoid losing my eye sight and 6 toes like my grand mother, and take action now, and the doctors are still fighting me with this! Its another case of, "just loose the weight" If only it where that easy!!!! GRRRRRRR!!

Am I in the wrong for wanting to push my health for the worst just to be approved for surgery? What can I do instead to help my chances of being approved? Have you found yourself in a similar situation???

[gohelpyourself 377]

I had a baby at 40. I was able to get back to my pre-preg weight 2 1/2 years later and I was put on Lexapro for anxiety/depression that they related to post partum.... I gained 45 lbs back in 3 months. I was so upset. I knew I just could lose it by diet and exercise alone again. I was mentally and physically exhausted and I did not qualify because my BMI was only 35 so I ate up. Partly because I knew it would be easier to gain a few pounds than lose 75. I am having sleeve surgery Feb 3rd. On day 2 of liquid diet.... I want one of your turkey sammies!! NOW!!! LOL Stick with the appeal. Can you think of any other medical problems such as PCOS or back, joint problems? Anything you can add to your appeal to make it stronger do it.

[TriciaC. 11]

Hi DylanRae,

Your post really resonated with me. I was also denied payment for part of my surgery which is a revision from band to sleeve because the band removal was considered medically necessary but not the sleeve.

The waiting game is excruciating; especially when I was notified by my bariatric surgeon's office the DAY BEFORE surgery (my fast day which ended 14 previous days of a crappy diet to reduce my fatty liver).

I have however, changed my mindset towards this weight loss center in terms of self sabotage, as you brought up in your letter. That day I learned my surgery had to be cancelled (can't afford up to 25 grand for sleeve part), I went to Carl's jr and had sweet potato fries and a burger with my husband. At that point, it finally dawned on me that I am letting OTHER PEOPLE dictate my emotional eating and my husband was wrong for joining me in that self sabotage act. Afterwards i cried and got angry. All night. I finally came to a realization. I can change. I can do it on my own. **ck Them!!

My suggestion, cuz it is working for me, is to get angry. Yup, there, I said it, and most people would disagree with me. I am so angry at the system of bariatric surgeries that i am rebelling and remaining on MY OWN healthy eating plan and working my arse off with daily walks and weight lifting. I am losing weight, maybe too slowly for some, but it's working and I'm not as frustrated as I was before with that entire process. I limit breads and dairy, salt and fruit. I refuse to eat sweets or sugar and EXERCISE. You have to do both. I don't want to be part of that "cattle call" and the indignities that go along with it.

My advice to you is to get active. And get angry like me. Don't let bariatric surgery be your above all end all to you life as a young woman. You deserve to have a rewarding life of self control and self love. Keep telling yourself, "That will be there when I'm done" In other words all those foods that entice you will be there when you are done reaching your goal weight. Don't let other people convince you that you can't have that self control because you CAN!! Stay away from those people who like to help you sabotage yourself; you know who they are. Most people are clueless in how to support us.

I am 52 and you are very young compared to me. You have more time to change your life around and enjoy the benefits of exercise (endorphins and serotonin feel good hormones) and being outdoors. (it has helped me to become less mad, too).

Just start with walking around the block with your ipod. My music is so motivating for me.

I personally feel a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders for deciding NOT to get anymore surgery. Now it's time to trick your body into thinking it needs healthy foods, not fatty foods. Rebel girlfriend! Use that energy to rebel for yourself. For being your own solution that only YOU can take credit for.

There's my soapbox. Hope I helped someone. Hope I helped you. And I might add, before the hate responses start, that we are all unique individuals who sometimes just need to find that one thing that will motivate us to try to live healthier and happier. We can be the creators of our own destiny WITHOUT surgery. If you decide to go through with it; I will be your greatest supporter:-)

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

Hi DylanRae,

Your post really resonated with me. I was also denied payment for part of my surgery which is a revision from band to sleeve because the band removal was considered medically necessary but not the sleeve.

The waiting game is excruciating; especially when I was notified by my bariatric surgeon's office the DAY BEFORE surgery (my fast day which ended 14 previous days of a crappy diet to reduce my fatty liver).

I have however, changed my mindset towards this weight loss center in terms of self sabotage, as you brought up in your letter. That day I learned my surgery had to be cancelled (can't afford up to 25 grand for sleeve part), I went to Carl's jr and had sweet potato fries and a burger with my husband. At that point, it finally dawned on me that I am letting OTHER PEOPLE dictate my emotional eating and my husband was wrong for joining me in that self sabotage act. Afterwards i cried and got angry. All night. I finally came to a realization. I can change. I can do it on my own. **ck Them!!

My suggestion, cuz it is working for me, is to get angry. Yup, there, I said it, and most people would disagree with me. I am so angry at the system of bariatric surgeries that i am rebelling and remaining on MY OWN healthy eating plan and working my arse off with daily walks and weight lifting. I am losing weight, maybe too slowly for some, but it's working and I'm not as frustrated as I was before with that entire process. I limit breads and dairy, salt and fruit. I refuse to eat sweets or sugar and EXERCISE. You have to do both. I don't want to be part of that "cattle call" and the indignities that go along with it.

My advice to you is to get active. And get angry like me. Don't let bariatric surgery be your above all end all to you life as a young woman. You deserve to have a rewarding life of self control and self love. Keep telling yourself, "That will be there when I'm done" In other words all those foods that entice you will be there when you are done reaching your goal weight. Don't let other people convince you that you can't have that self control because you CAN!! Stay away from those people who like to help you sabotage yourself; you know who they are. Most people are clueless in how to support us.

I am 52 and you are very young compared to me. You have more time to change your life around and enjoy the benefits of exercise (endorphins and serotonin feel good hormones) and being outdoors. (it has helped me to become less mad, too).

Just start with walking around the block with your ipod. My music is so motivating for me.

I personally feel a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders for deciding NOT to get anymore surgery. Now it's time to trick your body into thinking it needs healthy foods, not fatty foods. Rebel girlfriend! Use that energy to rebel for yourself. For being your own solution that only YOU can take credit for.

There's my soapbox. Hope I helped someone. Hope I helped you. And I might add, before the hate responses start, that we are all unique individuals who sometimes just need to find that one thing that will motivate us to try to live healthier and happier. We can be the creators of our own destiny WITHOUT surgery. If you decide to go through with it; I will be your greatest supporter:-)

Personally..I admire your strength and attitude.....So many out there like you would benefit from your sound advice......I agree about getting angry and getting it done...anyway you can, is okay with me.....

I was approved for WLS and that was me..There are millions out there that don't need it! And they move their own worlds into place...........Congratulations for finding the answer for you......You got this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Miss Mac 6,261]

The forum is glitching when I it the "like" button, so, I say it this way. I agree with Triciac. If you can't get sleeved, it's O K to get angry at your roadblocks, and start taking the bull by the horns. There is nothing easy about weight loss - anyway you look at it. There is no weight loss genie coming to your front door to help you out. The determination and self control that you need, must come from the "inside" you that wants the benefits of better health.

I am 5'4" and my body gave up carrying me around when I hit 235 last summer. You surely don't want to have a reduced quality of life and watch while other people around you enjoy physical activity. You are young enough, with or without weight loss surgery that you can prevent becoming old before your 30th birthday.

I don't understand why your insurance is fighting against helping you. Mine and many other's insurance benefits automatically kick in with a BMI of 40 or more, with or without co-morbidities.

Please keep being your own best advocate in this. Wishing you good health and happiness.

[DylanRae 71]

Thanks Everyone! At the very least this allows me to take a breath and really have ownership for my choices lately. I have lead a very angry life up until recently and it is hard for me to be ok with letting myself become that angry again. I do understand that anger is often enough momentum for us to push through. I am hesitant to say that it is the route I should take.

Working the system is something I happen to be very good at. Skills you acquire many different ways, I happened to acquire that skill from being in the foster care system most of my teen years. One thing that I have learned when working "the system" is getting angry will only hinder your efforts. If you have ever gone into the DMV and yelled at the state worker for spelling your name wrong, or charging you thousands of dollars for a reprint of your ID, chances are that, you also only experienced a longer more frustrating time there at the DMV. I have come to learn that this is the case in nearly any and ALL large offices of business. Weather it is banks, Post office, Collage or any school administration AND Financial office. This happens even at the customer service desk at your grocery when your check bounces.. ALL of these places and more, getting angry only hurts your chances at getting what you want in a timely manor.

And for me, being angry is just a lot of work that ends up backfiring on me anyway. I love your kind words, and advice. I appreciate where your words are coming from. I am also glad that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. But I am not satisfied with simply getting angry as a solution to getting better. Mostly because Anger then feeds all sorts of other emotions that are just as negative. And to me, getting angry and using that anger as fuel for my behavior is the same as getting sad allowing those emotions fuel my bad eating habits. Either way it is unhealthy, and going the opposite direction, long term then staying logical, and continuing to jump through the hoops of the system.. :/

I don't know, maybe I am all wrong and twisted up about it. All I know is that, I have been angry before, all it did was give me several medical bills and suicide attempts.. That is not a road I am willing to go down again. :/

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Well, whatever you do, whether it' vinegar or honey, just stand up for yourself. You will find frequently throughout this forum that if you just let the process takes its natural course, you will get weary of waiting. When anxiety builds up, it can manifest internally. Keep us informed as you go through the process.