I am done!I feel like just quitting!

I scheduled a fill but Dr has no appt's until September.This set me off on a MAJOR binge.

I tallied up the total for yesterday and it was 2719 calories.

In the last three weeks i have gained almost 10 pounds.Of course i quit smoking(again)3 weeks ago as well.

Why do i do this?

Sometimes i eat and the food does not even taste good.I eat it anyways.I KNOW i am full but i sip Water slowly and then eat more!

I feel like just giving up.

I KNOW that i need to do the work but i just cannot change these bad habits.If i could, i would have done it without the band...right?

Is it really easier with a good tight fill?Just becuase i KNOW i am not tight it seems like i eat just cuz i can.

I have a 11cc band with 1.8cc.last fill was in June and my next one is not until Sept.

Why can't i let myself be successful?Why can't i be normal?It doesn't matter what i know,whnt i read my brain reads it,understands it but then does the opposite!

Sheesh.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

when i was not restricted these were some of my journal entries:

12-4-03

I HAVE HAD A REALLY HARD TIME TRYING TO STAY ON TRACK. IT IS EASIER WHEN YOU CANT EAT BUT A TINY AMOUNT. YOU DON'T OBSESS ABOUT food. NOW ITS ALL I THINK ABOUT!!! I NEED TO BREAK THIS CYCLE. I NEED SOME RESTRICTION!!! I WONT REACH MY GOAL OF 275 BY CHRISTMAS. MAYBE BY MY BIRTHDAY? IT IS FRUSTRATING TO SEE PEOPLE LOSE HUGE CHUNKS WITH BYPASS WHILE I AM STRUGGLING IT JUST SEEMS AS LONG AS I AM ABLE TO EAT HUGE AMOUNTS OF FOOD I DO. AS LONG AS I CHEW WELL I CAN EAT TILL THE COWS COME HOME. WELL NOT WITH THE CORRECTION ADJUSTMENT BUT I CAN STILL EAT WAY MORE THAN A 1/2 CUP MORE LIKE 2 CUPS...NO FOOD BACKING UP, NO PB, NO GOLF BALL PRESSURE, JUST ME GORGING MYSELF

1-23-04

SOOOOO i had my swallow study yesterday and i was told my band is fine. it has not slipped and my pouch is not stretched. so what gives??? my dr's PA (physicians assistant) told me just stop eating at a half cup. well hello if i could do that i wouldn't have gotten to 350 lbs. i told her why don't we do lunch one day so you can see me eat!!!!

I AM NOT BAND BASHING HERE. I LOVE MY BAND. WITHOUT IT I WOULD HAVE GAINED BACK ALL MY WEIGHT PLUS SOME. IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING FOR ME AS DESCRIBED.

2-23-04i don't know what happened to me today.

i had 2 scrambled eggs for Breakfast

32 oz Water

lunch- i had to go run an errand so i decided to pick up a can of chicken breast meat. well they had the 12.5 oz can on sale so i bought that thinking I'd be able to eat that for the next FEW days...

i ate the whole can in 30 minutes. then you would think i would have stopped but i had brought a salad for lunch originally so i decided to 'pick at it'. ITS ALL GONE TOO. so here i sit stuffed from the bottom stoma up to the top. i feel absolutely HORRID. NAUSEATED. GROSS. my salad was a spinach salad so not only am i FULL but those natural fibers are making me bloated to boot.

i know partly why ate that...i guess i wanted to 'test' my band. i have 4.1 cc's in a 4.0 band and still no FUCKING restriction (that was for you Jonathan) unless i eat solid meats. i have been to my dr too many times, had the swallow study and was assured everything's fine' well if it was I WOULD NOT PHYSICALLY HAVE BEEN ABLE TO EAT ALL OF THAT!!!!! i just know for sure that i will have REALLY WORK my band along with dieting until my insurance changes and the band is covered again.

Unless i want to sue my dr i don't have any other options. i knew this before i have known it since Jan 1. i just made a PIG of myself today.

well thanks for letting me vent. i know for 100% sure that i never want this feeling (stuffed pig) again.

michelle

on a good note i didn't have hardly any carbs in my food and was Protein first but my god a days worth in one sitting...

i ended up FINALLY getting restriction month 7 of banding

heres a post 2-3 months AFTER getting restriction and losing 40-50 pounds...

June 19, 2004

weight 236!!! still doing the atkins diet till i reach 199.9999

do i miss food?

no i eat all the things i love. i only eat things that are 'treats' now when they are PERFECT before i would eat a 2 day old donut that wasn't even the flavor i liked. now i haven't had a krispy creme in MONTHS but i will have one and when i do it will be from the K.K. shop when the hot light is on and i will enjoy that sucker!

Originally posted by ~c~

I KNOW that i need to do the work but i just cannot change these bad habits.If i could, i would have done it without the band...right?

Except, if you're as crazy as I am, until you got the band, you were not completely in touch with the fact that you are this nuts.

Is it really easier with a good tight fill?

I don't think so. You might just get more creative and eat things that go through the band easier. Of course, if you have NO restriction, then it's different. But if you do, and you're drinking to push food through so you can eat more, then no. You'll just start living off of cotton candy or something else you never cared for before, in some insane effort to consume more than you need.

Why can't i let myself be successful?Why can't i be normal?It doesn't matter what i know,whnt i read my brain reads it,understands it but then does the opposite!

Okay, now. Those would be the questions. I am completely unfilled. And working to maintain, but this week has not been good.

What kind of overeating do you engage in? Have you read any of this info:

http://www.niddk.nih.gov/health/nutrit/pubs/binge.htm

Good luck at the war,

Sue

anyway i hope you can see how frustrated and upset i was from the lack of restriction.

for the past 4 months i have not eaten that way. when you PHYSICALLY cant eat another bite without PB'ing it will keep you from overeating.

i know how hard this is for you...all i can say is hang in there! just do the best YOU can do until the fill. dont beat yourself up your tool isnt working properly yet...

and no matter how you slice it you are still smaller than you were before banding if you have been banded a year and lost 40 and lose 30 each year for the next 2 years that would put you at 130 CAN YOU SAY GOAL!! you are a 'lightweight' and that in itself makes you lose a little slower.

keep looking at the big picture!

michelle

Thanks guys...

Sue i don't have time to look at the site you sent but added it to my favorites for later and i am super excited to read it!

I sorta know what's going on.i eat cuz i am stressed about my marriage,bored,i eat to pass the time,alone alot in the eve and then it 's a free for all,i am a secret eater,the problem is how to control myself ,how to WANT to control myself.I tell myself i shouldn't be eating with every bite.One side of my head says "whoa! stop now! you can do this!you are stronger than the urge!"The other side says "SHUT UP i win!!"and the food slides down my gullet!

I also feel like it's IMPOSSIBLE to reach a healthy weight of 130.That it won't/can't happen to me.

It's never gonna happen,why bother changing anything.I don't know why i cannot believe it.What makes me think i am different than any one else who can lose weight.dunno.

I have had a consultation with a phycologist who agreed that i am in considerable distress in alot of aspects of my life.The problem is that i won't have an appointement for the next several weeks!

In the meantime,Can you guys be my shrinks??!!

C

Originally posted by ~c~

In the meantime,Can you guys be my shrinks??!!

C

We'll do the best we can, C.

Look at your stats. I can see where you've already lost a considerable amount of weight.

I don't know how long you've been banded, but, to me it doesn't matter. What matters is that you've already lost this weight, so you don't really want to go backwards and undo what you've already done.

That is my only saving grace - being un-filled. At first, I felt myself gravitating towards the hamburger joint and then it dawned on me that whatever I choose to do will have an impact on how far I've already come. That scares me.

Please don't give up. Try to name what it is that urges you to eat. Write about it, post here, get up and go for a walk. So you've had a bad day of choices. It's okay - don't beat yourself up. Just resolve to make the next day a little better. We didn't get here overnight and we're sure not going to be finished overnight.

Hold on til you can see the doc!! We'll be rooting for you here!

Chantal, try to hang tight till you can get a fill. I can definitely identify with you. I could have eaten 3000 calories in one seating! It's such an irony that the same food that gives us comfort, makes us feel like losers for eating it. Keep calling the doctor to see if there are any cancells, once you get restriction, you'll have the control you need. Good Luck.

This is NOT a charade and you CAN NOT GIVE UP!!!

Look how far you have come. When you have the urge to eat at night and you are alone, come here and post, that is what I do and it definately helps. I also stay far away from the kitchen after dinner like in my room here on my comp with as big 24oz bottle of ice cold Water. Night time is the hardest time for me and for alot of us here. We do great all day with healthy food choices but once the sun goes down it's like we are vampires but instead of looking for blood we look for food! Well for me it is like that anyways.

You have been successful until now Chantal, you can not give up! I agree with Neicy, call your doctor and tell them to call you if there is any cancellations, tell them you are desperate for a fill A.S.A.P.. Hang in there, you can do this!!!

Uuhmmm.... you sound completely normal to me. My head screams for me to eat. Nothing stops me once I get going. I doubt you can be any crazier than me... I don't think anyone could be crazier than me. And my mom and her sister have been adjudicated insane by judges, so when I say insane, I mean insane.

However, I'm afraid of my band, I fear my band, I pray to my band. My stomach/band doesn't always feel full but I stop eating because I'm afraid my band will slip, erode, explode. Maybe because I've been through so much with my infected port and 2 surgeries, but I'm paranoid now, which seems to be the only thing that stops me from eating.

I don't have the answers, but when I simply can't stop eating, I pick up the phone. People say they can't afford a one hour long distance call, but I say bullshit. If I can afford a week long binge, I can certainly afford some long distance therapy.

So call people! Get a list of numbers, keep them handy, and use them. Call me, call her, call him.... call, call, call. Or try attending some OA meetings. Even if you don't like them, "when you're at a meeting, at least you're not eating."

Chantal -

There is NO giving up - you are banded. The band is there whether you want to work it or not.

As frustrating as it is to wait for another fill, the reality is that you will have to deal with your psychological issues sooner or later (I know you have an appointment for that in a couple of weeks).

The very best advice I can give you is:

1. You have to change how you think about your goals. If you honestly believe that it is IMPOSSIBLE to make it to 130, then don't set that as your goal. Is it possible that you could lose another 10 pounds? Yes? Then that is your goal. Once you meet that goal you can consider making a new goal.

2. You are working in the diet mentality when you talk about "giving up". There is no giving up- you are living and breathing and walking around. This is your life - you can live it fat, or you can live it thin, or you can live it somewhere in-between. But you ARE living it.

3. Really make the spreadsheet I talk about in this link. It is a legit tool, and one of the most helpful things I learned in my compulsive overeating therapy.

http://lapbandtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=434

Know that there are ups and downs. Being up or down is not a permanent condition - there will always be fluctuations. What nice things are you doing for yourself that aren't food related? What hobbies have you taken up to burn the time that eating used to fill?

We're here for you. We understand your struggle. You WILL succeed. There are no deadlines.

xxoo

Chantal:

I went through the exact same thing you're going through. I did not lose a single pound from January of this year (when I was banded) until approximately the end of May. Then my most recent fill kicked in, I was busy working at a new job, taking care of my puppy, I joined a gym and I go to a class once a week with the puppy. Suddenly, I didn't have all that free time to think about food, to lust after it like I used to. 25 of the 30 lbs. I've lost so far has been in the past 2 months. I'd get pissed at my mom when she told me to "keep busy" when my boyfriend dumped me at the beginning of July, but being busy really helped dig me out of my depression and, consequently, made me not rely so much on food. I still push my band beyond what I should at times, just because I long to eat even thought I don't need it. But it's getting easier to just stop thinking about food constantly. I know this post was kind of rambling, but my main point is: I understand what you're going through. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk. Good luck!!

Gina, maybe you put your "numbered" goals on hold for awhile. Instead of saying your going to lose weight, why not make your goal something non-weight related? For example, my goal is to NOT eat when I get home late at night from my 2nd job. Or another goal is to stop eating while in front of the TV. The one that works for me is that I'm not allowed to eat dinner the minute I get home (that's when hubby wants me to eat.) But I make myself wait an hour because that's one less hour I'll have to worry about.

Don't put so much pressure on your goals. Baby steps.

Originally posted by DeLarla

Gina, maybe you put your "numbered" goals on hold for awhile. Instead of saying your going to lose weight, why not make your goal something non-weight related? For example, my goal is to NOT eat when I get home late at night from my 2nd job. Or another goal is to stop eating while in front of the TV. The one that works for me is that I'm not allowed to eat dinner the minute I get home (that's when hubby wants me to eat.) But I make myself wait an hour because that's one less hour I'll have to worry about.

Don't put so much pressure on your goals. Baby steps.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

She's not just cute; she has a real brain, too!

Originally posted by donali

Chantal -

There is NO giving up - you are banded. The band is there whether you want to work it or not.

As frustrating as it is to wait for another fill, the reality is that you will have to deal with your psychological issues sooner or later (I know you have an appointment for that in a couple of weeks).

The very best advice I can give you is:

1. You have to change how you think about your goals. If you honestly believe that it is IMPOSSIBLE to make it to 130, then don't set that as your goal. Is it possible that you could lose another 10 pounds? Yes? Then that is your goal. Once you meet that goal you can consider making a new goal.

2. You are working in the diet mentality when you talk about "giving up". There is no giving you - you are living and breathing and walking around. This is your life - you can live it fat, or you can live it thin, or you can live it somehere inbetween. But you ARE living it.

3. Really make the spreadsheet I talk about in this link. It is a legit tool, and one of the most helpful things I learned in my compulsive overeating therapy.

http://lapbandtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=434

Know that there are ups and downs. Being up or down is not a permanent conidition - there will always be fluctuations. What nice things are you doing for yourself that aren't food related? What hobbies have you taken up to burn the time that eating used to fill?

We're here for you. We understand your struggle. You WILL succeed. There are no deadlines.

xxoo

:::wondering how to start negotiating for the rights to bottle Donali:::

I'm sorry to have missed this important thread. Chantal, I've been thinking about you recently and wondering how you were. I'm so glad you checked in again--that shows you're already NOT giving up!

It's true, you can't give up. Even if you want to. But you can give up on being angry with yourself and feeling like a failure. You've come a long way and there are lots of pounds out there that you HAVEN'T gained that you might have otherwise had you not been banded.

There are other ways to battle boredom, frustration, and depression. They're out there. One place to start is right here with a like-minded set of people who know exactly what you're going through. Please come and share how you're feeling--we care a lot.

Sue, I'll buy a bottle of that Donali.

Uhmmm... why haven't you called me yet? I'm a tough love kinda gal, so if we need to lock you in the closet for a week, my hubby would be happy to pad the walls with rubber... and I could use some time in their myself, so you'd have company.