the guilt is eating me alive

[LonghornNiner 75]

I posted here a week ago about how my girl of 10 yrs left me for someone else because she felt I looked to different and felt different. I wasn't the same man she fell in love with. I have been torn apart since that day and the guilt of getting the surgery and losing weight and causing her to leave me is eating me alive. I barely eat and I just can't sleep. I work 2 jobs and I have been working triple shifts to keep my mind busy but my body is just giving up. Can anyone offer some kind of advice on what to do to put my mind at ease. I just want to find peace again. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I'm sorry for being weak but I don't know where else to go or who to talk to anymore.

[brebee 29]

Sometimes people cant take the changes. I dont think we change we may look at food differently. My dr office said that it is common that couples split during and after the weight loss. Im so sorry your having to go thru this. Dont regret the surgery i know you feel healthier and things will work out. I have alot of faith and i believe everything happens for a reason.

[SueJH 205]

First I have to say, you DID NOT "CAUSE" her to leave you! She did that for her own selfish/cowardly reasons. Most people would feel happy that their mate was taking steps to get healthy to be around longer. It is her own insecurities that caused this, nothing that you did. I honestly think you should go for counseling. We can all offer you a word of encouragement here, but I think you need a professional to help you see that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I wish you nothing but the best and you deserve nothing less. Keep moving forward. You are doing this for you, not for anyone else.

[thinathart 197]

I wish I could fix things for you...or fix you up with a friend?

When relationships end, it's easy to turn to food for comfort. You're going to need to use a whole new set of coping skills to help heal your broken heart. Please remember that there is great support on this board. Lots of us have had to mend a broken heart. It's no fun, but you can get through this. Focus on yourself and before you know it, gals will be knocking down your door.

[BrianSATX 116]

First I have to say' date=' you DID NOT "CAUSE" her to leave you! She did that for her own selfish/cowardly reasons. Most people would feel happy that their mate was taking steps to get healthy to be around longer. It is her own insecurities that caused this, nothing that you did. I honestly think you should go for counseling. We can all offer you a word of encouragement here, but I think you need a professional to help you see that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I wish you nothing but the best and you deserve nothing less. Keep moving forward. You are doing this for you, not for anyone else.[/quote']

I was going to recommend the same. Counseling is a great option. I knew I'd face issues after the sleeve and in my psych eval I asked the counselor doing the eval for a list of recommended counselors for bariatric patients. She happily gave me a list. I'm betting your surgeon's office would have one and be glad to offer you one. This may help you work through the hard times and refind your mojo.

[No game 14,436]

Please, you did nothing wrong to feel guilty about. When you love someone you love them through life and the changes that come with it.

I don't understand when people split because their partner or spouse is "not the same person I married" I am not the same person my husband married all those years ago and he is not the same either! We've signed up for this journey to know each other through all of our changes.

Unfortunately your girl wasn't able to grasp the beauty and honor of someone letting another in to their lives to share good and bad and yes the changes we go through.

She was not the right one. But know that this frees you to find the right one and live and love the way it's meant to be.

[leeann71 539]

As time goes by it will get easier I promise. You need to nourish your body with healthy foods to also help with your depression. You will get through this, keep your head high and your attitude positive you did the right thing for you.

[LonghornNiner 75]

^{I appreciate all the comments. Thanks for the information. I never thought I'd need a therapist for this. I have spent the last 10 years loving this woman. I do not know anything else but that. Our anniversary would of been on the 7th of this month. I just wish this was a nightmare and I'm going to wake up and see her next to me.}

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and I will tell you that you are not responsible for her actions.....You had this surgery for your health! I believe it's time to put the blame where it belongs and that's on her.....She would have left you anyways.....now is the time to work on taking care of yourself and learning to love yourself by taking care of your body. Focus on you. Get some therapy and work on personal issues. This procedure is the best thing you have ever done for yourself..It's a start in loving yourself......

[aliekat55 157]

when i was training i was so surprised about the number of relationship breakups when an alcoholic began recovery. not implying you are that, but that long term relationships are in balance and when a big perturbation happens sometimes the balance is irrevocably disturbed. nevertheless it does not mean that anyone needs to remain in their disease to keep the relationship. Guilt doesnt enter into it. you did what you had to do. I have been married for 35 years and my wife has never seen me at a good weight. I have no choice but to move forward, if it disrupts our relationship we will deal with that when it happens, but guilt is not an option. If I have to remain unhealthy to keep her, then that is a problem in itself. IMHO

Alex

[TJL 222]

I feel the same as everyone else, you didn't cause the break-up by having the surgery. I've been married for 31 years to the same guy, you have to take the good with the bad and roll with the changes. Please avail yourself of a good therapist like everyone has said, and take care of yourself, eat healthy and maybe work in a little exercise, the endorphins are good at elavating your moods.

[leeann71 539]

Like Laura said the right one is out there for you. You need to start working on you. Got out in the sun, take some long walks and breathe in the air and let your worries go. Life is so short to begin with and probably shorter if you didnt have this surgery. My theory is everything happens for a reason, better now than in the future. Usually when a partner leaves after they have surgery is because that person gets confidence and think they can do better. As for your case maybe she would not be able to deal with the confidence you were showing before she left. Be proud of yourself you deserve to be happy everyone does. Take this time as a new begining.

[NtvTxn 1,262]

Find a good therapist, if nothing else, find WLS support groups to attend. They will keep you busy, you'll meet people and make friends. I'm sorry she did this, but I have to agree with everyone else, this is about her, not you. Change scares people, you making this change threatened her, scared her....something. Can I ask you, is she heavy? Could this be insecurity? Good luck to you.

[DeezJeanz 1,065]

I posted the first time u told us ur story, nd it still saddens me that ur still blaming urself for her decision. As one posted, she wudve left eventually bc love: 1 Corinthians 13: 4-13. Please read this verse now, nd if this is NOT what she offered to you, then PLEASE, find a way to heal. God has told us how to love nd whom to love and if its not balanced, no matter how many years uve been together, u will not last bc its not possible. You can only be who u r, nd expect the same from the one u choose to love nd be loved by. You can NOT force som1 to Love u the way u love them but u can CHOOSE to find the one whose willing to give it their all. You sound like a giver, one who gave most in the relationship, so tell me Long, y not start giving to urself? Giving urself time to heal, time to grieve, time to live a healthy life, time to love who u r nd what u have to offer. Y give her the power over your circumstance, y give her ur tears, y give her the satisfaction of hurting you nd not apologizing for it, why? Please read that verse and forgive urself for not giving to urself. It's ok to be sad but take that feeling and go to the gym, do somthn healthy, take some kickboxing, just use it to re energize urself. You can not change the fact that u had this surgery, you can change HOW U LET THIS CHALLENGE manage you! U had part of ur body removed to make a better you and it wasn't ur HEART, its still there and beating nd waiting for u to let it heal and move on to what God has in this life for you...the best, nd trust me, she's out there. But give God the glory nd pray that He'll help heal you from this, He will, nd I'll pray for you as well. Dee Dee

P.s. just curious, were u always overweight in the tens yrs w her? If so, perhaps u spent that ten years thinking how some1 cud b w u at that size nd perhaps she made u feel like she was doing u a favor being w u. That being Said, if that's the case, it stands to reason y u feel so guilty about the surgery nd blaming urself for her meanness. It's like emotional abuse, nd it takes time to heal. A person n an abusive relationship, altho knowing its wrong, has a hard time thinking they are worthy of greater love bc the abuser suppressed them so much. So now u have to learn to rethink that u are worthy, whether big or smaller, you are worthy. Don't b afraid to let the new you shine on the outside too, ull be surprised at how happy ull b. Again, get some prof help to help u peel it bck, and get to the root like another said. you can do this.

[liteNsun 58]

One other thing to keep in mind is that if one has minimal coping skills you could pick up a different addiction other than food to deal with your emotions. I know others who lost weight after surgery and turned to drinking or shopping addictions. Be very cautious with HOW you vent your emotions. Feel the emotions and peel back the layers head on, usually fear is below all of it. That is a normal emotion. The sooner you get to facing your emotions the sooner you will have a healthy perspective to move on from this or any challenges.