Hi -

I wrote a LOOOONG letter to you all telling the story of my wife and my struggle with weight and relationships and the log in timed out on me. Probably good news for you. So here it is in a nutshell...please don't think I am cold, though this will seem a lot colder than I mean it.

My wife has a band. Here are the stats:

Weight when married (8 yrs ago): 135lbs.

Weight when conceived first child (7yrs): 140

Weight when deliverying first child: 225

Weight when conceiving child 2 (3 yrs ago): 170

Weight when delivering child 2: 225

Weight when applied for lap band: 190

Weight when accepted for lap band: 265 (a new record, she just hit before getting approval for the surgery)

Time spent recovering: 6 weeks

Weight today after 1 year of lap band surgery: 230

Number of fills: 2 (within 6 weeks of surgery, hasn't been back)

Number of support visits attended: 0

Number of times exercised since surgery: 1

Number of times in counseling (recommended by dr) since surgery: 0

My wife is perpetually angry at me, and no one can talk about weight. She eats cake, icecream, Cookies, yogurt, anything she pleases. I don't think the band is working that much, though every once in a while she is taken by surprise and she throws up after eating too much I presume.

I do love her, but I think I need some help for her. I told her about this site, and how supportive everyone is. She hasn't looked into it. No support group, hasn't told many friends.

I make a very comfortable living. She has never had to work in our marriage. She watches soaps, doesn't have a degree, or work out, or pursue any hobby. She says, "You should just love me no matter what I decide to do. I need an unconditional husband". She says that's why she eats...to fill the void in her life I am causing.

Her mom says my wife is so headstrong that she can't be reasoned with. I own my own business and stick my neck on the line every day. I travel all over the world and am becoming a well known businessman in my space. When I come home, I get beat up and accused of not loving my children or my wife. Then my wife sobs for hours.

I am totally lost. I thought maybe people on this board would have some suggestions on how I might coax my wife to come into the light...to read some of your stories and be motivated. Maybe to tell her story and lean on your experiences for support. Maybe to get her to a place where she's happier and able to address what's really on her mind.

So, there you have it. In a nutshell. Does anyone have any advice?

Azgunslinger

I Am A 39 Yr Old Woman With 2 Boys Ages 12 And 14. I Too Am A Stay At Home Mom. My Husband Owns 2 Car Dealerships, A Wholesale Co., And Builds Houses, So Needless To Say He Is Never At Home. I Think Your Wife Has A Misconception Of What Depression Is. I Was Not The Crying Sad Depressed Person People Imagine. I Was Angry, Thought No One Understood How Hard Things Were For Me, Wanted To Stay In The House Cause It Was Just Easier. And Would Never Admitt Anyone Besides Myself Was Ever Right. All Them Feelings Are Now Gone Because One Day I Decided A Prozac A Day Was Easier To Swallow Than Knowing I Was Wasting My Life. I'm Sure She Has Joulousy Toward Your Career And What She Thinks Is Your Freedom She Feels She Doesn't Have. She Doesn't Realize Freedom Is Getting To A Place Where You Are Comfortable Saying I Am Doing The Best I Can Possibly Do And Truly Meaning It And Not Lying To Yourself. Everyone Needs To Be Appreciated And Loved Unconditionally. Sometimes 1 Kind Word Is All It Takes. Maybe A Phone Call During The Day Not Because You Want Anything But To Just Say You Love Her. Just That Can Make Her Feel Like She Is A Part Of Your World Not Just When You Walk In The Door. If She Was Like Me The Reason She Wouldn't Go With You On Trips Has Nothing To Do With The Kids It Has To Do With The Pressure Of Having To Come Up With Clothes That Fit And Actually Look Good Enough On You To Be In Public. When Your Overweight You Notice What Every Other Woman Looks Like And How Put Together Everyone Else Seems To Be. And The Worse Yet Is Now Having To Be Introduced To People She Has Never Met. Before She Was Just Your Wife At Home Taking Care Of The Kids Now People Have A Face And A Body To Put With It. That Can Be Horrible. Even More Horrible If You Don't Feel Good About Yourself. No One Wants To Be The Fat Wife. She Says She Likes Herself But If She Did She Would Not Be Hiding From The World.until She Realizes How Important Her Job Is And How Her Behavior Is Affecting The Kids She Will Remain The Same. She Needs To Realize You Only Get One Shot At Raising Wonderful Kids And One Life To Make Everything The Way You Dream. It Can All Be Taken Away Tomorrow. And I Personally Would Hate To Think I Slept Through It All. Try To Get Her On This Website I Would Love To Talk To Her. I Know Exactly How She Feel. I Was Banded On 9/05/06 And Have Lost 40lbs. I Am Actually Going On A Trip With My Family To Fl. In A Week That A Year Ago I Would Have Made Excuses On Why I Couldn't Go. Life Is Now Great And My Husband And I Talk Alot About What We Are Going To Do In Our Retirement. I Hope Your Wife Can Get Where I Am Soon. Peolple Say That It Has Nothing To Do With Weight It Is About Self-esteem But When Your Heavy Its Hard To Feel Good About Yourself. Your Tired, Irratible, And A List Of Many Other Things. Good Luck, I Hope This Helped.

AZ,

Much good advice on here! I can tell you love your wife....but can she feel the love??? Let her know ...romance her.....but also a good kick in the pants isn't a bad thing at times!!

I'm medical.....if the Zoloft isnt' working....there are other things. One is Wellbutrin which can give energy and another side effect is wt loss!! But if she gets anxious easy it can affect that as well.

You can't fix her....wish you could for your marriage.

I think wt and depression are like the chicken and the egg....they just go together and who knows which came first. I am upbeat as a choice.... I believe you choose your emotions.....someone doesn't MAKE you mad....you choose to get angry over what they said or did!

YOur wife needs to take ownership....she's got to decide that she isn't in a happy place and then do something about it!

I am a CHristian...I have found a lot of peace and HEALING thru Jesus.... I had some childhood experiences that led to my eating to protect me.... I had to deal with this to decide that I didn't need to protect myself anymore!

I am going to pray for you and pray the Lord strengthens your wife and helps her see where she is at!!

God Bless,

MElody

Banded 3/20/06 -91lbs :Banane20:

Did your wife even attend college, or get a degree? I know she stays at home now, but maybe taking some art classes or foreign language classes would get her out of the house, and inspire her to wake up a little. You say you travel world wide? How many languages do you know? Do you hire intrepreters? Maybe you could ask her to help you learn a foreign language for a business trip, and ask her along to help out? It seems like she is stuck in a rut, not just about the food. Sounds like she is depressed. Maybe a change from the zoloft to something else? I don't know. I wish I could help more. Did she ever have any hobbies before you got married? If you make so much that any income she could contribute would be minimally helpful, then perhaps she could pursue volunteering at organizations, just to get her out of the house. She could be a docent at a local zoo, or serve at the homeless shelter, or drive for meals on wheels delivering lunches or dinners to older people who don't get around. These things can make her feel needed and appreciated. I am not saying you don't appreciate her, but its all about perception. Maybe something will come up. Good Luck!

Banuchi.....shame on you!

Carol

Why shame on me? Is it wrong to want more in life? Never. I can't help him with his wife, but I may be able to help his company further succeed.

My husband has actually been a stay at home dad for 11 years. We absolutely love our situation and wouldn't change it for the world. I am not a trained professional in the Health Field.

Okay, shame on me. I want more and I demand more from the people I work with, from my kids, from my husband, to my siblings, to my professors, from my doctor, etc. I think of it as paving the way through for those that are intimidated by a challenge. My doctor told me that he had never been asked if he could record the surgery from the monitor he was using. He was impressed that I wanted to learn in such detail what was happening with my body.

Would it be cold of me to ask for a job?

Maybe this would have been more appropriate in the form of a PM?

What is a PM?

Private message. It means email him directly so the whole board doesnt know you are begging for work from some one who is not solicitating for workers but actually looking for support.

Banuchi...this Lapbandtalk.com. He didn't come here to get help for his company, nor to further help you with your career. The request was quite inappropriate and insensitive of you.

Carol

Don't beat up the job seeker, forget it - everyone just wants to help this guy.

To the real point- You need to figure out your priorities- her weight or one or the other issues. When ones DH is unhappy with several issues, the wife sees it, rightly so, that she is not good enough. Every one has weaknesses, but having your spouse disappointed in you can be paralizing. (Imagine how you would react if you KNEW your father was dreadfully dissapointed in you?)

I say, the medication needs attention call the Dr instead of refilling next time.

Next, find something your wife does to your satisfaction and tell her, show her, get the kids to /show tell her. I once thought of the anology of a depressed "self", as empty bucket with the bottom bashed out. To give to others and to yourself you must "pull something" from the bucket. Problem is, bucket is empty, to fill the bucket you and family must refill the bucket. At first the things you give to her will just fall through but eventually something will stick. From that point if you continue to give - without making her give up that valuable "plug", the bucket will begin to fill and the plug will become less fragile. Then, when armed with a full bucket, she can begin to function and occasionally even begin to assorb and then....give back.

She needs herself back and respect for something before she will have the strenght to give you and herself a thinner body. For now maybe she can hope that she is dissappointing because she is fat- what if she loses the weight and learns it is not the fat but really her?

I haven't read any of the responses to your original post because I'm pressed for time right now, but one thing that stuck out to me was that she's at home all day basically doing nothing (not your fault) while you're at work and/or on business trips. It sounds like she's not a self-motivater, feeling sorry for herself, and resenting you because she has nothing to do.

Is there any way you can include her in your business? Is it possible for you to take her on some business trips with you so at least you two could get some alone time together and make her feel like she's either contributing or she's important to your business success?

I personally don't think it's good/healthy for anyone to be idle from work, whether that work is keeping a home, raising children or working in a business. It sounds like she doesn't have much to do to keep the home, the kids are off at school, and she has nothing to occupy her mind. In that situation, a lot of people turn to unhealthy outlets.

My suggestion would be to start by asking for her help with stuff. I don't know what you do, but, "Honey, I'm overloaded at work and I really could use help with [insert task here -- even if it's coming into the office for an hour a day to help with filing]. Could you give me a few hours a week?" Or "I'm going on a business trip for 3 days to [interesting destination] and I'd like to take you with me. Can your [mom, sister, friend] watch the kids while we get some time away together?"

It's good of you to be seeking solutions. I hope something someone has posted will help!

Azgunslinger, the Zoloft might not necessarily be working for your wife. I've been on antidepressants for years, and they DO make a huge difference, when you get the right combination. She should go back and have them try something else. It takes more than a few visits.

Having said that, it is very difficult to motivate a spouse. My husband has been on disability from brain cancer for two years (he's been in remission that long). He doesn't want to see a psychologist or take antidepressants, but I see that he has made his world very small, much like your wife. Since I have lost weight and become more energetic, I notice it even more how lethargic he is. Can you find something to do together on a regular basis that doesn't involve eating? Is there some activity that you could do with the kids, like bowling? I think that if you make some small changes (baby steps), she might be receptive to more. Good luck....

Wow, PM means a lot! By the way, I am not begging. I wish him well with his endeavors! Life is too short to hold grudges. Good luck with your weight loss and thanks for letting me know what it means. I didn't realize we could do that. Thanks for teaching me something new today!

You said, "Private message. It means email him directly so the whole board doesnt know you are begging for work from some one who is not solicitating for workers but actually looking for support."

__________________

I have to wonder what made her get the band to begin with. Did she really want it or just go along with it? When she started this journey was she all gung ho? Did she do the liquid diet and all that stuff?

She was very sad at the time when she first mentioned the lap band or even gastric bypass. She couldn't decide between the two, but she kept repeating she had "tried everything" without success. I have been with her for almost 1/3 of her life and I do not believe she tried everything - not by a long shot. We had a gym membership for 5 years, she went for ~30 days in that time. No liquid diet, etc.

She did most of the research on her own, but I was waiting for her in the bariatric office one day and I was listening to the office gal operate in what i thought was a questionable manner by telling the prospective patients how to do things to qualify for the surgery. That was the predetermined outcome the surgery center wanted - qualify for the surgery - at any cost. My wife gained some 50lbs in the 5 months before the surgery. I later learned she was turned down because she wasn't morbidly obese (she was less than 100lbs overweight) and had no comorbidities. She was 29 when she had the surgery.

She wanted this all along. I didn't want this. I don't have pierced ears, tatoos, or any unnecessary mutilations. it was a foreign concept to me to willingly get your body carved up when willpower could achieve same results. But...I did some research including reading this site. It just takes some support, encouragement, and willpower - and when the willpower fails, the band gives you a boost. I get it now. I am just sorry my wife doesn't appear to.

Would it be cold of me to ask for a job? I want something new in my life. I would love to travel internationally. I am pretty successful at what I do in the investment world, but I want more. I have my Series 6, 63 and 26. I totally believe in self actualization. It is just finding the right opportunity. I am two semesters away from my MBA in Corporate Finance, Financial Services and Global Business. Yes, three majors with honors. I totally understand and need to always be learning something new.

Your wife...gosh, I wish I had something brilliant to say. Have you thought about removing the television from the house or accidentally breaking it? Our TV does not turn on in the house except Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. At least she would have to leave the house to buy a new one...unless she has learned to use the computer.

You could try getting her cooking classes at an upscale grocery store...and you could join her. If you have some cash...there are so many things to do. I would love to be your muse and help you give her that extra nudge she needs.

Good Luck....

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