Hi -

I wrote a LOOOONG letter to you all telling the story of my wife and my struggle with weight and relationships and the log in timed out on me. Probably good news for you. So here it is in a nutshell...please don't think I am cold, though this will seem a lot colder than I mean it.

My wife has a band. Here are the stats:

Weight when married (8 yrs ago): 135lbs.

Weight when conceived first child (7yrs): 140

Weight when deliverying first child: 225

Weight when conceiving child 2 (3 yrs ago): 170

Weight when delivering child 2: 225

Weight when applied for lap band: 190

Weight when accepted for lap band: 265 (a new record, she just hit before getting approval for the surgery)

Time spent recovering: 6 weeks

Weight today after 1 year of lap band surgery: 230

Number of fills: 2 (within 6 weeks of surgery, hasn't been back)

Number of support visits attended: 0

Number of times exercised since surgery: 1

Number of times in counseling (recommended by dr) since surgery: 0

My wife is perpetually angry at me, and no one can talk about weight. She eats cake, icecream, Cookies, yogurt, anything she pleases. I don't think the band is working that much, though every once in a while she is taken by surprise and she throws up after eating too much I presume.

I do love her, but I think I need some help for her. I told her about this site, and how supportive everyone is. She hasn't looked into it. No support group, hasn't told many friends.

I make a very comfortable living. She has never had to work in our marriage. She watches soaps, doesn't have a degree, or work out, or pursue any hobby. She says, "You should just love me no matter what I decide to do. I need an unconditional husband". She says that's why she eats...to fill the void in her life I am causing.

Her mom says my wife is so headstrong that she can't be reasoned with. I own my own business and stick my neck on the line every day. I travel all over the world and am becoming a well known businessman in my space. When I come home, I get beat up and accused of not loving my children or my wife. Then my wife sobs for hours.

I am totally lost. I thought maybe people on this board would have some suggestions on how I might coax my wife to come into the light...to read some of your stories and be motivated. Maybe to tell her story and lean on your experiences for support. Maybe to get her to a place where she's happier and able to address what's really on her mind.

So, there you have it. In a nutshell. Does anyone have any advice?

I also agree with the letter, but try to keep the lines of communication open to her, and let her know that your concern for her weight is not about looks.

I have fought with my weight since having children and it depressed me to no end, and remarks like "you shouldn't be eating that" did nothing but make me eat more. Then with the weight gain came the diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol, depression, etc. I had to start taking meds for everything, and Celexa for depression (Celexa RULES, by the way) and I started worrying about my health but kept it to myself and just got more depressed. Finally one day my husband told me that we needed to talk, he said "I'm afraid" and I asked him what he was afraid about.

He told me "I'm afraid for your health, I'm afraid you are going to die and leave me alone, and I just don't know if I could go on without you". He then went on to say he loved me, no matter what I weighed, and would always love me, but that he wanted me be around to see our children get married, and to enjoy and share in having grandchildren together. He said he wanted me to outlive him and he was afraid that wasn't going to happen if my health go any worse.

Well, that was a real eye opener for me. Not only was he telling me that he loved me unconditionally, but for the first time I realized how much of an effect my weight had on him and how it was affecting the both of us.

I started researching options and found the band. I'm a newbie, have only been banded for three weeks, and I realize I'm having to make changes in my life, but seeing how he is supporting me has made all the difference in the world.

Yes, I am doing this for me, but my other motivation is to grow old with the most important person in my life, the one who cared enough about me to be honest and understanding.

I wish you and your wife the best on your journey. If there is any way to get across to her that there are so many people going through what she is going through, she may find that talking to some of us can give her hope.

Ahhh Celexa... made me feel like a chihuahua on crack inside me. I had a terrible time on it. Meds can make people worse too. Prozac had been known to help Thousands if not more but it also makes some people suicidal and homicidal. Meds are tricky.

That is why this should be something to look at too.

Good luck

BigGirlBanded, thank goodness I didn't have that problem with Celexa! It has been a miracle drug for me. I work a very high stress job and stayed depressed and stressed. Celexa worked wonders and I just do not stress out about things any longer and can look at things much more objectively, which had a tremendous effect on the depression. It's hard to describe, the best way I can put it is that I feel "balanced" for the first time in a long, long time. I actually feel like a normal person again.

DH laughed the first time we went someplace after I started taking it. We were driving on a two lane highway and he passed someone while another car was heading towards us. After he passed the other car, he started laughing at me and told me never to go off the Celexa because that was one of the only times I've ever ridden with him that I didn't throw on the imaginary brakes and fuss at the way he was driving.

Having said that, I think there is a strong correlation between weight and emotional stability...would you agree?

YES!

I know that's a hard concept to agree with, but I think the euphoria you realize knowing you can control your weight and you CAN be the woman (or man) you want to be - whether its weight, professional life, personal relationships, etc. Havign control over your destiny is a transforming idea!

But here's where you and I differ, so maybe this will give you some insight into your wife? Perhaps, so here goes.

I'm wired very differently. I don't "get" the self-actualized stuff you talked about below this quote. Waking up and being motivated to get "whatever" done doesn't get my goat. It overwhelms me, it does NOT challenge me. I don't have the cut-throat drive, whatever it is, that you described. I'm not about the challenge.

Many here ARE, and love tackling the next mini-goal, or really really do-it-up on the exercise, and feed off the adrenaline. Have that *hunger*.

My pace is slow and steady and MY way. Alot of my motivation comes from giving to others. This can backfire as well into co-dependence (and has for me) because I can so easily 1)become a martyr or 2)use my giving to get from others (this usually pops up in more personal relationships like with my hubby but I've been working on this one so long I recognize it readily when I try to do it) or 3)come up with all manner of excuses to keep me from reaching my goals. #3 is the target area for self-growth these days.

I'm "others" based in a very very selfish way. It's a struggle! Perhpas you see this in your wife? I dunno, but maybe it helps you. Your practical, goal-oriented approach may be a mystery to her, and it may just keep her from even *wanting* to succeed. You big-performers are a pain in the butt.

Anyway, hope that gives you some insight?

Kathy the Underachiever-don't be dumping all kinda self-actualized motivation BS on me cuz it's over my head...I'll be elsewhere, thanks

I'm being tongue-in-cheek, hoping it gives you something to chew on. No disrespect intended, okay?

It is ok to demand that she do SOMETHING to save this marriage too. It is not all about you staying home.

I agree with this, too! Just be careful it's not an ultimatum, unless you are willing to follow through on your end of the deal, right? Yes, she needs to step up to the plate, and perhaps she needs you to be firm about your expectaions in some areas? Be careful, though.

I agree. Ultimatums are useless if not followed through but giving her a sense of "you can get control again" might be the empowerment she needs to get motivated and see the light again.

I agree it is delicate but possible. Being firm about what the issues really are, the outcomes you want, and the expectations i think are great. Then everyone knows what page the other is on.

Dear AZ

I appreciate your candor and willingness to engage with this topic. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to have a situation like this in your own house that you cannot "inspire", "guide", or "teach" to make things better. Men like to solve problems with action, especially men who can make a lot of things happen all the time.

As a woman who has chronic depression and is fat, I can tell you from experience that "fat" is not going to get handled until the depression is addressed. Depression makes anything harder to do and trying to motivate yourself to "work" on some area of your life is nearly impossible to do. Better to get the brain chemicals back in balance and the rest will follow.

I'm about to say something very contradictory. On the one hand you are not likely to get anything to happen for her if you continue to see her as a problem that must be fixed. The message you convey by pushing her to change is that she is not alright with you just the way she is and that she needs to take some sort of action to get your approval and praise. Ask yourself inside if that isn't the place you are truly coming from? If so, you can see why she may be passive/aggressively resisting you.

On the other hand, I see no problem with a husband (who has stopped imposing his solutions on a wife), lovingly saying to his wife, "Honey, I'm so worried about you. You look sad and upset and the smallest things make you blow your top. It must be miserable for you too. I've been noticing the sadness for ___ months and it breaks my heart to see you this way. If I went along for support, would you be willing to talk to the doctor/health professional about this"?

Ideally you would be able to have her seen by a psychiatrist -- not because she is crazy, but in my experience, psychiatrists are better at prescribing the dosage of medication needed to effectively start working as soon as possible. The regular doctor is very nice, but they are trained to be extremely conservative with the dosing. It is harder for them to make the adjustments in dosing that sometimes are required. The psychiatrist can make the recommendation that talk therapy might be very useful as well. The two, taken in combination have the best success rate of managing depression.

I wish the best for you both.

Jo Ann

Jahair, I agree with you 100%.

By the way, I use Dr. Spivak too.

Jahair, I agree with you 100%.

By the way, I use Dr. Spivak too.

Thanks. Doesn't Dr. Spivak just rock??

Jo Ann

WOW! Women like your wife give us fat chicks a bad rap! I am probably going to raise some eyebrows, but it doesnt really seem like she has to do ANYTHING at all, so why should she?

Ok, before I start getting flamed, I have been diagnosed and treated for depression, very successfully.

I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband (he didnt work, sat on the couch and stared at the TV sorting through baseball cards, eating and creating messes.) There was NOTHING I could do to motivate him in any way. Beg, plead, get mad, pamper, coddle, give gifts, write letters, offer to take him on vacations, buy cars (hey, I was desperate.) Fortunately, we did not have any kids, so eventually I left. I was pretty sure he really did not even notice I was gone, but REMARKABLY, about 3 months later, he got out, got a job, started working out, lost 80 lbs., and got on with his life!! I guess that could have given me a complex, that the whole problem was ME, but I think my leaving shocked him into reality. He is very happy, well-adjusted, successful and a very different person. People who knew him when are amazed at the person he is now.

There is a better way of life for both of you. Your wife is checked out, she needs some kind of an intervention (friends, family, you...etc.) One person is not a relationship. From what you have said, you both need professional help ( I dont mean that in a bad way, you need professional help to figure out the best way to help her, and she needs help to help herself.) Good luck to you both, you seem really, really desperate to make it better for both of you! I wish you the best!

CJ

thanks CJ - I would love to think being a wuss (and telling her she's sexy and glorious and is so special - while she watches TV eating oreos by the bagful) would help her "see the light" at some point, but I don't think that's the way it really works. If she had a needle sticking out of her arm and had the same behaviors, I don't think anyone would recommend I tell her how beautiful she is to make her feel good about herself. There's a limit to what people can take.

I think with the surplus we have due to my work, there's no need to really struggle or try too hard on her part. Not even for me, not even for the kids, and that I think is really sad. I imagine that - not for the revenue - but for the responsibility - if the had a job or volunteered somewhere and got out of the house, had to abide by a schedule (my kid was tardy 14 times in the first trimester of school because she gets him to school late), had to dress and get ready every day (flylady says wear your shoes - good point), be accountable to a manager of some kind, then I think I'd see some of those differences. Its like you said about your husband. And - not only do we have kids, but in my wife is the person I really want to be married to. The person I fell in love with. She is waiting to blossom - I just know it. I also know that if I leave she'll be motivated to do the right things suddenly because the pressure to perform is back. The trick is, how do I get that motivation kicked in without leaving and breaking up my family unit? I thought the lap band was a step in the right direction!

If she had a needle sticking out of her arm and had the same behaviors, I don't think anyone would recommend I tell her how beautiful she is to make her feel good about herself. There's a limit to what people can take.

Excellent analogy. You are right.

(my kid was tardy 14 times in the first trimester of school because she gets him to school late), had to dress and get ready every day (flylady says wear your shoes - good point),

that's not good. that's not okay.

She is waiting to blossom - I just know it.

You hang in there. God bless you for not giving up on her. Maybe she can't thank you right now, but I will on her behalf. Thank you for not giving up.

I want to similarly inspire my wife. I (perhaps naiively) think I can coax her into trying harder...just so if she set one goal for herself (could be anything, not weight related, anything) and she achieved it - she would become addicted to success, instead of dwelling on the negative spiral she is currently on.

You cannot save your wife from herself. Stop beating that horse - it's DEAD.

It is true that some people have made peace with their bodies, excess weight and all. The fact that your wife has not tried to work WITH her band tells me that she just doesn't WANT results bad enough. And you have to want results with the band. It's not magic. It won't do it for you. And you can't do it for her, nor can we.

Is her weight a big issue for you? If so, this might be the one thing she can control and she isn't about to give it up, therefore she has sabotaged her success with the band (knowingly or unknowingly). Anorexics have the same problem, in reverse. It's a mental/emotional issue and has to be treated from that perspective.

I have had good success with the band - not good luck, good success. Luck had nothing to do with it. I walked 3.5 miles today, as usual. I made good food choices. Hopefully, I will have the strength to do the same tomorrow. It's like being an alcoholic or a drug addict - one day at a time.

I wish you and your wife the best. Please come back and keep us updated. I think maybe it's time to look into a change of meds. The Zoloft might not be working any more.

I have to wonder what made her get the band to begin with. Did she really want it or just go along with it? When she started this journey was she all gung ho? Did she do the liquid diet and all that stuff? I question because you say she does not do anything and I just think back to myself when I was first researching and getting all my little ducks in a row to get the band. I had to jump through lots of hoops and was just so very excited. Has she just lost hope or did she never have any to begin with? I am with the crowd that says, you cant make her do this if she does not want to. Before banding if my husband made comments about what I should eat or not eat (something bad for me) it just made me want it that much more and probably more of it than I would have originally taken. It was my own version of "screw you" and I also think it was my stress mechanism kicking in and so I would get angry and do whatever I wanted to do anyway. It sounds like there may be a lot more going on with her than just a fat issue. I hope all turns out for you and your wife. Maybe she is just not ready for this right now and will be ready to give it another try down the road. I hope she finds the help she needs to be the person she wants to be. Good luck to you both.

Would it be cold of me to ask for a job? I want something new in my life. I would love to travel internationally. I am pretty successful at what I do in the investment world, but I want more. I have my Series 6, 63 and 26. I totally believe in self actualization. It is just finding the right opportunity. I am two semesters away from my MBA in Corporate Finance, Financial Services and Global Business. Yes, three majors with honors. I totally understand and need to always be learning something new.

Your wife...gosh, I wish I had something brilliant to say. Have you thought about removing the television from the house or accidentally breaking it? Our TV does not turn on in the house except Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. At least she would have to leave the house to buy a new one...unless she has learned to use the computer.

You could try getting her cooking classes at an upscale grocery store...and you could join her. If you have some cash...there are so many things to do. I would love to be your muse and help you give her that extra nudge she needs.

Good Luck....