Hi -

I wrote a LOOOONG letter to you all telling the story of my wife and my struggle with weight and relationships and the log in timed out on me. Probably good news for you. So here it is in a nutshell...please don't think I am cold, though this will seem a lot colder than I mean it.

My wife has a band. Here are the stats:

Weight when married (8 yrs ago): 135lbs.

Weight when conceived first child (7yrs): 140

Weight when deliverying first child: 225

Weight when conceiving child 2 (3 yrs ago): 170

Weight when delivering child 2: 225

Weight when applied for lap band: 190

Weight when accepted for lap band: 265 (a new record, she just hit before getting approval for the surgery)

Time spent recovering: 6 weeks

Weight today after 1 year of lap band surgery: 230

Number of fills: 2 (within 6 weeks of surgery, hasn't been back)

Number of support visits attended: 0

Number of times exercised since surgery: 1

Number of times in counseling (recommended by dr) since surgery: 0

My wife is perpetually angry at me, and no one can talk about weight. She eats cake, icecream, Cookies, yogurt, anything she pleases. I don't think the band is working that much, though every once in a while she is taken by surprise and she throws up after eating too much I presume.

I do love her, but I think I need some help for her. I told her about this site, and how supportive everyone is. She hasn't looked into it. No support group, hasn't told many friends.

I make a very comfortable living. She has never had to work in our marriage. She watches soaps, doesn't have a degree, or work out, or pursue any hobby. She says, "You should just love me no matter what I decide to do. I need an unconditional husband". She says that's why she eats...to fill the void in her life I am causing.

Her mom says my wife is so headstrong that she can't be reasoned with. I own my own business and stick my neck on the line every day. I travel all over the world and am becoming a well known businessman in my space. When I come home, I get beat up and accused of not loving my children or my wife. Then my wife sobs for hours.

I am totally lost. I thought maybe people on this board would have some suggestions on how I might coax my wife to come into the light...to read some of your stories and be motivated. Maybe to tell her story and lean on your experiences for support. Maybe to get her to a place where she's happier and able to address what's really on her mind.

So, there you have it. In a nutshell. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks so much for all the posts...I see everyone is beating up on someone for asking for a job. Obviously, this board is not for employment problems...but it IS for support.

I don't have a band, but with your assistance and willingness to help I have tapped this community for a lot of support and you have all really helped put things in perspective and provided a lot of great suggestions.

If I can give a little back and be supportive to a member of this community, then I am going to do it. If it in some small way makes someone even more encouraged and they help 2 more people down the road, then that's what life is all about - and really what this board is all about. People helping people.

I am not a bazillionaire, I can't do significant charitable donations to help others, but I am a positive person who knows how to take opportunities and capitalize on them. I hope every one of you can harness the momentum of your accomplishment of beating this obesity demon, turn that energy and enthusiasm to your next struggle and hit the highest achievements you imagined for yourself.

Generally speaking, I believe someone who has struggled and pulled themselves up to win is by far a more capable, and interesting person than someone who has never had to struggle.

Happy thanksgiving to everyone! :hungry:

She wanted this all along. I didn't want this. I don't have pierced ears, tatoos, or any unnecessary mutilations. it was a foreign concept to me to willingly get your body carved up when willpower could achieve same results. But...I did some research including reading this site. It just takes some support, encouragement, and willpower - and when the willpower fails, the band gives you a boost. I get it now. I am just sorry my wife doesn't appear to.

If losing weight was easy and all it took was a little willpower, we wouldn't be an overweight society. It just isn't that simple.

She needs to get her anti-depressants leveled off. Once she is level, she will feel better and be more motivated to get out and about. Then she may be ready to start working with the band.

First things first. In my opinion.

Good luck to you and your wife. I truly hope things work out for you.

it was a foreign concept to me to willingly get your body carved up when willpower could achieve same results. But...I did some research including reading this site. It just takes some support, encouragement, and willpower - and when the willpower fails, the band gives you a boost. I get it now. I am just sorry my wife doesn't appear to.

Your posts have shown that you're a loving husband who wants nothing more than to better your wife. Not just physically but I think in all aspects.

I just had to address the little willpower part. Permanent weight loss, diets and such, have about a 95% failure rate. I just watched a show on MSNBC about meth addicts. They have a failure rate of about 94% for staying clean. I think comparing the two details just exactly how hard weight loss can be. Like others have said, if it was a little willpower nobody would be fat. I'm glad that by visiting this place you have come to understand a little better what others have to deal with.

Not everyone was blessed with a body that metabolizes at a rate where you can eat anything and everything and not gain a pound. So too was not everyone blessed with a brain chemical balance that allows them to easily control their food intake and remain positive. For some of us this is truly our last option other than simply accepting that our lives will forever be constricted and controlled by our weight, but your heart has to be in the fight.

I truly wish you all the best in finding that special thing that will help your wife get better. Do your best, but don’t tear yourself apart trying to fix the unfixable. Sometimes people have problems that, no matter how hard you try, can only be fixed by them. At some point you will need to decide if you can keep living with the woman your wife has become.

Wow you sure have a lot of advice here. Not much I can ad. But I do want to say that you are a very loving husband. When she is ready she will do it. It took me years to be ready. Family especially my husband stopped saying things because it just made me furious and then a huge figh followed.

I hope your Thanks giving was good. She is a lucky lady!

Permanent weight loss, diets and such, have about a 95% failure rate. I just watched a show on MSNBC about meth addicts. They have a failure rate of about 94% for staying clean. I think comparing the two details just exactly how hard weight loss can be. Like others have said, if it was a little willpower nobody would be fat.

WoW! I've never actually thought about it like that. It's actually quite scary.

I remember at the lapband information night, when the surgeon told us that diets have a 95% failure rate, the look on my mom's face. I think that's all she needed to hear to be at ease with the fact that the band was right for me.

Thanks for the new perspective.

The love you obviously have for your wife, and the struggles you are trying to help her with touched my heart. God bless the both of you, and I pray that you are able to make progress together.

I agree with many of the previous posters have suggested, especially those that have said that some sort of intervention is needed to let your wife know how much you are worried about her, that you love her unconditionally, and how much you and your family need and depend upon her.

I also agree that having your wife's medications and counselling reviwed should be high on your list of priorites - I hope that you are able to find a way to achieve this with her consent.

The counsellor I saw pre-band said that depression / weight issues are often due to an energy or well-being imbalance - you have to keep topping up the positive energy "bucket" (in the words of a previous poster) to be able to level out the negative. Often if you deal with the depression, the weight issues will begin to address themselves, or at least be much more manageable with tools like a lap band around to help.

Most of us are pretty much self-sufficient at keeping our buckets topped up, but we all need external inputs from those around us as well. Those of us who have suffered depression make concious decisions every day to get up and do things for ourselves, which in effect helps to fill the bucket. Many need medications to help keep the bucket filled up enough to allow them to get on with life. Some of us, like your wife is now, sometimes find ourselves in a place where getting up to fill our buckets is just too hard, even with medications in the mix that are supposed to help. I pray that you are able to find little ways to start topping up her "bucket" until she is able to manage it better for herself.

I also agree that some sort of readjustment to your family team may be useful. Itmight take a while to get her to this sort of a place, judging from your posts, but having her involvement needed in a real and meaningful way in your business could work wonders, providing that there is a similar teamwork approach at home too. It may help to give her a sense of purpose and responsibility, and help her to move on from this "checked out" place she's in now. Maybe you can share the family responsibilities differently between you. No doubt there could be enough flexibility in your lives to allow for a reorganisation of the family routine and responsibilities. Who knows, in time you may find yourself running to keep up with her, or the one who stays behind to do the school run while she travels!

I wish you and your wife love, power and strength to get through this period of trial and into a better place. I look forward to reading of positive progress for the both of you in future. All the best.

Has she been to a medical doctor for her depression? Seems like that's what it is to me. Some anti-depressants might help. I was a lot like your wife before I got my band and really got therapy and meds. They helped me.