:cry I need some advice. I won't get into too much detail but here goes. I have a beautiful, smart, 17 yr old teen daughter. She is in grade 12 and works part time. Up until about 4-5 months ago she was going to attend university and eventualy be a teacher. About 7 months ago she started dating a 21 yr old, who hasnt graduated, has a record, and lives on his own. He does however work, and seems to treat her fairly well.....The problem. She now skips school quite a bit, isn't studying, passing her classes but not trying, since buying a vechicle only comes home when we tell her she must. Now she is saying she may or may not go to university now, and anytime we give her tightened restrictions she just rebells and says she's been asked to move with her boyfriend and she's gonna leave. So I need advice !!

The moral of this story is no matter how hard you try, in the end, it all comes down to the choices they make for themselves.

Amen, sister! I couldn't have said it better myself.

I had complete freedom, could do anything I wanted within reason, my parents guided me, they didnt control me. I didnt do anything I wasnt supposed to do, I guess Im one of those kids that didnt really rebel, I knew that I was moving out and would be able to do a lot more stuff and it would be more fun when I was older. I didnt go out all the time, If I did I didnt come in late, if I was going out later than midnight I called and stayed with someone else. If I went to a party, I stayed there instead of trying to drive home. I just did what made sense to me and that was to stay away from drugs, dont have premarital sex, and if I drank then I didnt drive nor drank enough to get totally wasted or drunk for that matter. I didnt sneak out of the house, I didnt do anything that my parents didnt know. My rule is, if your parents wouldnt accept it then dont do it, especially in my town where everyone finds out about everything. I guess I was just responsible. I suppose you wanted my parents to quit their jobs so that they could taxi me around all the time...so they could not accept that I was getting older and needed to have a car to transport myself because they work full-time jobs with over time EVERY WEEK DAY...in fact I didnt have one car I had 2 just incase anything happened to the other. I havent turned out wild and crazy...YES I am in college, and YES I am your classic college student that parties all the time, but I am responsible with it. I get my stuff done, and Im enjoying being on my own and the freedom that it brings because I kept myself under control in highschool, my parents didnt have to.

I think you are the rare exeption to the rule. And you and your parents have done a great job . However that is not usually the case . If you give most children too much freedom they will get into trouble.. Children need guidance. I also think that your still looking at things as a "child" not as a parent. Not that you are a child or act like one but your not a parent raising a child. Parents tell their children to do things or not to do things to not "Control" them but to guide them or to teach them . As a teen we think its control but its parenting. It hasnt been but 15 yrs or so since i was a teen, my son is half my age almost . . I remeber all too well how it felt. I felt like i was being controled.

As a parent there are things that we give up and sacrifice for our children. I gave up my entire teen yrs to have my son as well as college and I would do it again . There are things I will NOT ALLOW from my son so that he will not have to go through what I went through and THAT I will NOT Compromise on . .

Rules are rules they are my rules, he can either choose to follow them or he can not . if he does not then he will be punished , If that means some incovienceince on MY Part then I accept that its part of being a parent. And I bet if you asked your parents they would have done it , They are lucky that they didnt because you were a good child.

Mindy

I think the issue about driving the kid around is based on a punishment that needs to be enforced, your situation does not apply since you were a responsible kid. This is about taking a car away for punishment, if that means inconvenience to me, so be it. I would do anything for my kids, tough love.

EXACTLY , My son got in trouble not too long ago and we couldnt think of what to do to get it to sink in. SO we took his bed out of his room ! LOL

Now if he has a friend that gets into trouble he'll tell their parents " Take his bed out THAT Will get their attention it got mine" . What ever it takes to get their attention , even if its not convient for me.

Mindy

Yep, it is a puzzle as to why some kids turn out okay and some don't. I was a rebellious kid and my parents were rebellious when they were young. In my father's case this saved his life. His family was Jewish - he himself never believed in any religion - and he ran away from his family and from Poland. After many adventures and hardships he washed up in England. My very rebellious brother ended up becoming a doctor but this was only after he had married and had three children. Earlier on he had dropped out of university a couple of times and was working as a hired hand for a chicken farmer. One of his kids has gone back to university as a single mum. She is 30 years old. The other two kids went through school and university the normal way. They have careers and are married.

That is the story of my family for what it is worth. As you can see, there has been bumps in the road. Of course it doesn't help that we are all raging depressives. But I suspect that many folks behave badly and make mistakes along the path. This always causes grief to their parents at the time. Nevertheless, for many of us it seems to be part of growing up; we figure we want to experience things for ourselves.

There will come a day, Cloe, when you and your daughter find yourselves laughing together about the drunken idiot in her car in the parking lot. She will say something along the lines of "ugh, I can't believe I was that dumb!"

I have gone through the same thing. My daughter graduated high school with honors. In her Junior & Senior year she started hanging with some other people I was not fond of. They were not bad kids but they had no ambition to go to college or work. She just turned 21 and dropped out of a very good private University in Chicago. She tried to go to community college and could not handle that either. She is dating this boy who in her case is a little younger. He seems to be a decent kid but does not go to school and has a hard time keeping a job. My husband and I have tried to talk with her. Most of the tell she tells us what we want to hear but then she does the opposite. We have learned from our mistakes and have decided we have done all we can . We cannot force her to do what we want her to do or what we think is best for her. She will have to learn on her own. Our biggest fear was that she would become pregnant which is something neither of them is prepared for. Luckily that has not happened yet. Just keep talking to her and trying to get through. Don't threaten because threats never work. I am very verbal and threatened her a lot. It only made the situation worse so I backed off.

EXACTLY , My son got in trouble not too long ago and we couldnt think of what to do to get it to sink in. SO we took his bed out of his room ! LOL

Now if he has a friend that gets into trouble he'll tell their parents " Take his bed out THAT Will get their attention it got mine" . What ever it takes to get their attention , even if its not convient for me.

Mindy

OMG, that is too funny! I will have to remember that one!!

OMG, that is too funny! I will have to remember that one!!

lol It works. When we catch him on the phone too late or his grade slip the door comes off the hinges. He looses his right to privacy when he doesnt keep up his end of the bargain . One time he wouldnt do the dishes with out complaining , so i went in and put some the dirty dishes under his bed. It took him a week before he noticed. I told him ' you have ONE CHORE you you bitch and moan about it DO IT Or your room will stink from now on when they dont get done . LOL We get creative with him so the rules sink in . So far he's a good boy and all his friends think we are " Cool " LOL

Mindy

lol It works. When we catch him on the phone too late or his grade slip the door comes off the hinges. He looses his right to privacy when he doesnt keep up his end of the bargain . One time he wouldnt do the dishes with out complaining , so i went in and put some the dirty dishes under his bed. It took him a week before he noticed. I told him ' you have ONE CHORE you you bitch and moan about it DO IT Or your room will stink from now on when they dont get done . LOL We get creative with him so the rules sink in . So far he's a good boy and all his friends think we are " Cool " LOL

Mindy

Wow, I'm coming to you next time my kid won't listen to me! That is GENIUS!! I love the door off the hinges too! Good stuff!!

My neighbor's son was threating to move out all the time. She moved him out into the back yard in a tent. She bought some of those Meals ready to eat deals and let him stay out there for several days. He was begging to move back in, and he followed the rules from then on out. ~Mandy

lol It works. When we catch him on the phone too late or his grade slip the door comes off the hinges. He looses his right to privacy when he doesnt keep up his end of the bargain . One time he wouldnt do the dishes with out complaining , so i went in and put some the dirty dishes under his bed. It took him a week before he noticed. I told him ' you have ONE CHORE you you bitch and moan about it DO IT Or your room will stink from now on when they dont get done . LOL We get creative with him so the rules sink in . So far he's a good boy and all his friends think we are " Cool " LOL

Mindy

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: LMAO!

My neighbor's son was threating to move out all the time. She moved him out into the back yard in a tent. She bought some of those Meals ready to eat deals and let him stay out there for several days. He was begging to move back in, and he followed the rules from then on out. ~Mandy

My girlfriend had never had children. She married a man with a 12 year old son. Betsy is a gourmet cook. The kid wanted nothing but McDonald's. So every day she took him to McDonald's after school until he begged to eat at home.

hmmm....makes me wonder what some people my age are thinking....I do hate it tho, the way my mother all of a sudden is in my business alllllll the time now that I am grown and not living with them, where as she could have cared less this time last year........Im confused........

Wow, I'm coming to you next time my kid won't listen to me! That is GENIUS!! I love the door off the hinges too! Good stuff!!

LMAO I learned from my parents with me, talking or lecturing doesnt help . it does in one ear and out the other. Plus my son is dyslexic , so he learned better from SEEING , hands on things LMAO . He was complaining one time about how he never gets anything , after we took him to do something, never satisfied kind of crap . TRYING To act like a spoiled brat. We warned him to stop. He didnt so he spent the night on the back porch with a tarp for a blanket ! He learned to appreciate things for awhile. Some of my friends say how Mean I am , but ya know what , my kid might attempt to give me lip every once in a while , they are the ones who have kids tell them how they hate them , argue with them something NASTY and are the ones that they have to go find at 2 am. My son says Yes mama and NO sir , respects his elders. My son KNOWS better lol . For now .He's not perfect. But he does have manner which is more than what i can say for some kids.

Mindy

Mindy

hmmm....makes me wonder what some people my age are thinking....I do hate it tho, the way my mother all of a sudden is in my business alllllll the time now that I am grown and not living with them, where as she could have cared less this time last year........Im confused........

They arent that's the problem . LOL I know I wasnt . Your mom is probably just trying to get to know you . Or be involved when she realizes she wasnt last yr. I did not want my parents to know anything about me, what i was doing , they would have been the LAST people I would have told my problesm to as little as 5 yrs ago . ( I still had some rebel in me then ) Now, my mom is the first person I go to with problems . My husband and My dad are so a like its SCAREY SOmetimes. lol.. When i was younger I could not STAND my parents . >>>>> I just caught something. Were you living with your parents last yr ?

If not the probbaly have empty nest syndrome. LOL They miss you and want to know everything your doing because your not at home. I saw a thing on oprah about this wants. They are called Helicopter parents. Cause the "Hover" From a far LOL

Mindy

MMMmm. I have 3 kids - one is gone and on his own - doing well and staying out of trouble - actually he's a blessing. My middle is a girl - teenager and full of life - but I keep her busy within the community and volunteering at school. I had one incident with her and took away the internet and phone for a week and it hasn't happened again. It's my youngest whose always been the trial - although I love him to death and he is cute (and know it) I'm not looking forward to the teenage years.

My mom still gives me advice even though I don't ask for it. I don't think you can ever take the "mom" out of mother.