I am having my sleeve on December 10th and I was so excited but now I am thinking that I may have to postpone it. My husband and I have always had issues but lately it seems that they are boiling over. He has been trying to get his business off of the ground and buy a rental property and there are times where i dont even see him. I have gotten so emotional about it that i try to talk to him and it ends up in an argument. I am hearing more and more comments like- if you arent happy leave cause he is just trying to better his situation and him basically telling me that I need someone else who can be what I want. I am heartbroken and scared that any day now he is going to leave. The problem is- he was my support for me to have the surgery. I have five children so I cannot possibly do it alone. He is basically all the family and support I have. I am so confused right now and I have been crying all day. Its hard to convince someone that all you want is for them to be your husband and its obvious that he doesn't want to be. I dont know what to do. Am i emotionally capable of doing it?

Calling you ignorant and stupid because you want to be involved in a huge financial decision is UNACCEPTABLE. Actually - calling you that regardless of why he called you that is wrong. He has no right to do that. And I don't care how insecure he *might* be feeling.

I agree with you. Men say they want a supportive wife but I see that's not always the case.

Natural way my large A$$, geez that strikes a nerve with me. Every time my husband would say that, all conversations would just stop. Ugh. Just so annoying for someone to speak on how easy something is, when they aren't living with the problem.

While in preop I was visited by a male nurse who also had the sleeve. He was so reassuring. His wife got the surgery before him, and I think a few months later he did too. He lost over 100 lb already. I know I don't have that much to lose, but that's now...in 4 years after a few kids, who knows how large I would be.

I dont argue with stupidity or arrogance. There is no point. I value the opinion of someone who's experienced the problem over someone who's talking in theory. .

I wish I knew how many times people have told me to just work out. Omg!!! My husband is one of those people who gain weight then lose it just as quick as it comes. The nutritionist told us how men naturally lose weight faster and for the first time he was listening. I still have co workers who say well if fat people didn't sit and eat all day they wouldn't e fat. I sometimes wish that he holds on to that weight a little longer than usual just to see how it feels.

Honey I don't want to stress you out but I also don't want to see you in a mess.

If he's leaving, how will you deal with the kids when you are in hospital? How would you deal with them if you had complication issues? Who will clean the house, do the laundry, shopping, etc during the six weeks you are on lifting restrictions? Who is going to pick up the baby and change diapers?

You say you are having the surgery to avoid comorbidities, and from your picture I'm guessing that you are a lower bmi (I was at 35 when I had it). Is this cosmetic to you? Cosmetic and future good health? That's why I had it so don't think I'm saying that's a bad thing. But at this time of your life, with the situation, how will you deal with the above issues if he's out of the picture?

You also confused me..I thought he was your financial support for the surgery, then you say you are the bread winner in the house? Or did I read that right? Being layed up after surgery if you have no money is not going to work with five kids to deal with...

I think you should resolve your issues (leave or don't) and then proceed with the surgery when life is more stable. My hope is that you go it on your own, for the good of your mental health, and the good of your children. NO ONE deserves to be with a mate who calls them stupid. PERIOD NEVER!!!! It's a path to major depression or being alone. I don't care about the late hours or anything else...stupid coming out of the mouth of a spouse is a reason to be divorced IMO. That level of lack of respect is insurmountable, and living with it teaches your children to be that way to their future spouses.

My husband owns several businesses. He buys companies, large equipment, (like planes, hotels, etc) and we discuss it all. Do I give permission? No, we don't have that kind of relationship...I don't believe it them, but does he discuss the ups and downs of his business with me, and the major moves? Hell yes, both because it's good to be able to bounce things off of each other, and because he respects me as his spouse. When a big deal is going down he is gone A LOT (like days on end) but we still talk during that time and he makes time to speak with our son as well because his family is more important than anything to him. You deserve this kind of respect and your kids do as well. A family is not a dictator and a servant. My husband could buy a house every day of the week...but he'd never do that without us discussing it in debth as it would involve me as well. You deserve this kind of respect!!! YOU DESERVE IT!

In my experience when the words "leave" or "I'm leaving" "you can leave" etc, come up in a marriage, the marriage is pretty much over. Add stupid on top and I'd have to say I wish nothing more for you than a life of your own, stable with your kids, then when the time is right, have the surgery dear. Make your kids a priority (the fact that you lock yourself in your room and ignore them scares me about where you are in your mind). And make yourself a priority as well.

My grandmother gave me good advice when I went through my divorce. "Pick your battles. Small enough to win, but big enough to matter." That being said...you need to respect, love and care about you, your mind, your heart and especially your spirit. If you don't, no one else will. And if you learn to and your husband still doesn't, then he is not for you. It is well and truly his loss. Be there for your kids. Become the mother you AND your kids can be proud of.

Just remember that you are WORTHY of so much more.

I totally feel you in this, I did everything for my ex. I never did the things or went the places I wanted to go because he would never make my wants important, it was ALWAYS about him and for 20 years (started dating @ 15, moved in 2gether @ 17 was together 20 years & he never married me) I did all the changing and all the bending to make "his" life better & happier. Well at the end of the day he came home on a Wednesday said he wasn't happy and thought we should separate for a while, mind you we had not been fighting or arguing. Then he came home on Friday and said he was moving out on Sunday and on Sunday he left, knowing since I worked at a High school my job would be ending in June (this was in April) It broke my heart I spent many years trying to get him back and blaming myself for his leaving and him not being happy and when I finally started working on "ME" and fixing "ME" I realized him leaving me was the best damn thing that ever happened to me, I say that because if he wouldn't have left I would have never become who I am today and I can honestly say for the 1st time in a very long time I am very happy. Oh and my ex has spent the last 5 1/2 years trying to get me back and I know I am better and deserve better than the way he treated me. Met a man 4 years ago and got married in June. I am a better person and a better mother to my daughter. You are WORTH MORE and should be treated with love, honesty and respect. Unless you aren't giving those things to him. And if I'm not mistaken if your married and he buys a house don't you BOTH own it???? So if he's buying a house and leaves you won't you get 1/2????? just something to think about. Sorry my post was long winded, I hope it helped. And so you know even though the people on VST don't know you and you don't know them doesn't mean they can't give you support and lend an ear )or a computer screen...lol) I have just begun my weight loss surgery journey but since early October I have felt like these people understand me and are willing to help me and support me.

I wish nothing for you but the best life you can have and be happy, cus if Momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy. Those kids need a healthy and happy Mom, you can be what you want to be. I hope this has helped you know there are people who understand and care about you because you are you. Keep in touch and let us know how YOU are doing :}

Honey I don't want to stress you out but I also don't want to see you in a mess.

If he's leaving, how will you deal with the kids when you are in hospital? How would you deal with them if you had complication issues? Who will clean the house, do the laundry, shopping, etc during the six weeks you are on lifting restrictions? Who is going to pick up the baby and change diapers?

You say you are having the surgery to avoid comorbidities, and from your picture I'm guessing that you are a lower bmi (I was at 35 when I had it). Is this cosmetic to you? Cosmetic and future good health? That's why I had it so don't think I'm saying that's a bad thing. But at this time of your life, with the situation, how will you deal with the above issues if he's out of the picture?

You also confused me..I thought he was your financial support for the surgery, then you say you are the bread winner in the house? Or did I read that right? Being layed up after surgery if you have no money is not going to work with five kids to deal with...

I think you should resolve your issues (leave or don't) and then proceed with the surgery when life is more stable. My hope is that you go it on your own, for the good of your mental health, and the good of your children. NO ONE deserves to be with a mate who calls them stupid. PERIOD NEVER!!!! It's a path to major depression or being alone. I don't care about the late hours or anything else...stupid coming out of the mouth of a spouse is a reason to be divorced IMO. That level of lack of respect is insurmountable, and living with it teaches your children to be that way to their future spouses.

My husband owns several businesses. He buys companies, large equipment, (like planes, hotels, etc) and we discuss it all. Do I give permission? No, we don't have that kind of relationship...I don't believe it them, but does he discuss the ups and downs of his business with me, and the major moves? Hell yes, both because it's good to be able to bounce things off of each other, and because he respects me as his spouse. When a big deal is going down he is gone A LOT (like days on end) but we still talk during that time and he makes time to speak with our son as well because his family is more important than anything to him. You deserve this kind of respect and your kids do as well. A family is not a dictator and a servant. My husband could buy a house every day of the week...but he'd never do that without us discussing it in debth as it would involve me as well. You deserve this kind of respect!!! YOU DESERVE IT!

In my experience when the words "leave" or "I'm leaving" "you can leave" etc, come up in a marriage, the marriage is pretty much over. Add stupid on top and I'd have to say I wish nothing more for you than a life of your own, stable with your kids, then when the time is right, have the surgery dear. Make your kids a priority (the fact that you lock yourself in your room and ignore them scares me about where you are in your mind). And make yourself a priority as well.

Another member brought up the idea of counseling and I think that it is a great idea. You guys have offered great advice and it is amazing how you learn new things each day. The communication between my husband and I was a lot better once upon a time it's just amazing how we have got to this point. Sometimes I think that we got together so young that we may just be growing apart.

When I said that he supported me I meant by going to appointments etc. He is self employed and as many of you know the work is never steady. I pay the bills in the household and he helps when he can financially and by taking on other responsibilities. I know that financially I can take care of myself and the children but it is also emotionally draining. I lock myself in the room because I don't like for my kids to see me that way. I thought of postponing it for the very reasons you described although I would never want to.

The picture is not a good representation of my weight. My bmi is actually way over which is the reason my insurance will cover the surgery. I actually tried the Protein diet, the adipex and the b12 shot diet, and everyone else before I came to this conclusion. I know that if I don't do anything eventually I will get some of the things I am afraid of.

Thank you for your insight and it sounds like you and your husband have great communication which is something that I hope to have some day.

I totally feel you in this, I did everything for my ex. I never did the things or went the places I wanted to go because he would never make my wants important, it was ALWAYS about him and for 20 years (started dating @ 15, moved in 2gether @ 17 was together 20 years & he never married me) I did all the changing and all the bending to make "his" life better & happier. Well at the end of the day he came home on a Wednesday said he wasn't happy and thought we should separate for a while, mind you we had not been fighting or arguing. Then he came home on Friday and said he was moving out on Sunday and on Sunday he left, knowing since I worked at a High school my job would be ending in June (this was in April) It broke my heart I spent many years trying to get him back and blaming myself for his leaving and him not being happy and when I finally started working on "ME" and fixing "ME" I realized him leaving me was the best damn thing that ever happened to me, I say that because if he wouldn't have left I would have never become who I am today and I can honestly say for the 1st time in a very long time I am very happy. Oh and my ex has spent the last 5 1/2 years trying to get me back and I know I am better and deserve better than the way he treated me. Met a man 4 years ago and got married in June. I am a better person and a better mother to my daughter. You are WORTH MORE and should be treated with love, honesty and respect. Unless you aren't giving those things to him. And if I'm not mistaken if your married and he buys a house don't you BOTH own it???? So if he's buying a house and leaves you won't you get 1/2????? just something to think about. Sorry my post was long winded, I hope it helped. And so you know even though the people on VST don't know you and you don't know them doesn't mean they can't give you support and lend an ear )or a computer screen...lol) I have just begun my weight loss surgery journey but since early October I have felt like these people understand me and are willing to help me and support me.

I wish nothing for you but the best life you can have and be happy, cus if Momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy. Those kids need a healthy and happy Mom, you can be what you want to be. I hope this has helped you know there are people who understand and care about you because you are you. Keep in touch and let us know how YOU are doing :}

Wow, you ex chased you for years, I wonder what made him wake up and realize he made a mistake. You are definitely right that if I am not happy no one is happy and I don't want my kids to see me that way. They deserve to have a mom who is there for them 100%. I actually took them out today just to get some air and to show them that I am ok. One thing I have learned from the people on here is that they have been more supportive than anyone else that I know. Congratulations on your marriage and on your weight loss journey I am sure that you will be successful.